To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

I hear you OP. We have one child, largely by choice. Still happy with that choice, but it’s hard to swim against the tide in any aspect of life, and despite one-child families statistically becoming more common, there aren’t very many others that we have come across, and 2 or even 3 children is still very much the norm.

We’re lucky in that we haven’t had many direct comments on our family size from friends and family, but I have had a few from strangers and acquaintances along the lines of ‘Oh, you definitely need to have another one or DD will be terribly lonely’. Also a certain degree of incomprehension that we are happily ‘one and done’, rather than struggling with secondary infertility - there seems to be an assumption among some people that you can’t be content with just the one, or that you’re somehow trying to dodge the stresses and strains of ‘real’ (in their eyes) parenthood.

The other thing that sometimes gets me is the frequent casual comments on here and other sites about having a second child ‘because I knew I didn’t want DD/DS to be an only’. And flippant comments among friends irl like ‘I feel like we’re a proper family now we have our second’. I certainly think it’s true that the majority of people don’t care how many DC other people have, but I also think there is still an implicit, often unconscious, idea that only children are somehow lesser, and to be pitied.

The school bully was one of 5 kids

There seems to be lots of people on mn who don't speak to their siblings. In real life, I don't know many people in this situation. I speak to my sister every day and see her several times a week. She has kids and my DC adore their cousins. My parents were both dead by the time I was 25... if I didn't have my sister and her family, I'd be really alone...apart from a few distant relatives.

Only thing that's garbage is the assertion that somehow your anecdote is a superior truth to mine.

I already acknowledged this is based purely on my experiences, not a scientific study posturing an objective truth, purely anecdotal and can't be generalised to everyone - which I already said.

I say, “Well, it took us eight years to have our daughter… she’s actually a miracle child”. Then, they usually shut up.

My dad doesn't speak to his brother and hasn't for over 20 years. I have zero contact with my cousins from my dad's side.

Although my mum's brother and her get on, we only see him a few times a year at most as he lives abroad as do his kids (two live in the same country as him, two in a completely different country). I haven't seen my cousins from my mum's side in years.

My brother lives in the same city as me but he has his own life and we meet up every few months.

Not unusual at all.

I only want one child and my DH's younger sister started saying that children needs siblings. Bearing in mind that she is a 20 something in a flatshare and thus has no experience of how much it costs to have children/mortgage/childcare (was saying that how can anyone afford £1k for childcare when that is standard in many places, not just the UK).

I told her that DH and I have been using natural family planning for 8 years so probably not the most fertile, would be happy to have 1 child rather than planning for multiples. That shut her up.

That level of closeness to a sibling is, while nice, probably unusual. So the norm is likely somewhere in between that and no contact at all.

You would be absolutely insane to have another baby with a useless partner and I think you know this

only child judgement definitely exists- but I think you are struggling because your circumstances and boyfriend’s parenting skills is stopping you having the sized family you want

There seems to be lots of people on MN who don't speak to their siblings. In real life, I don't know many people in this situation

I don’t know anyone who actively dislikes or has zero contact with their siblings. But I do know a lot of siblings who are pretty indifferent to each other, or who through lifestyle or circumstance have ended up with fairly distant relationships. I’m not an only child myself, but my brother emigrated several thousand miles away, and any elderly/dementia care for our parents will inevitably fall to me.

@Suprima You are correct-if I had more support from partner and a bigger support circle I would have been more likely to have another child.
But it is what it is and I'm trying to accept my circumstances.

Being an only has made and will in the future make my life much harder.

It is selfish.

I get the not wanting to be overwhelmed but then you can have big gaps so only one young DC at a time.

We all do selfish things though. It's not the end of the world. But own your choices and accept them.

@TempsPerdu Great post and I totally agree- rarely get comments from close friends and family, it's more the wider circle of people we know think it's an acceptable seemingly endless conversation starter! Definitely seen the comments on here and elsewhere suggesting a family of 4 is 'complete'.

It is hard to swim against the tide even when you know it is the right decision for you.

@felulageller How will your life be harder?

I'm sorry but I really don't agree having an only child is selfish.

I am not a mummy yet - currently 22 weeks with our first! But I think people are like this with every aspect of your life

If you’re single, people ask when you will get a partner

Then they ask when are you getting engaged

Then they ask when is the wedding?

Then they ask you about having a baby

Then they ask you about siblings

The list continues!

I have learnt not to ask these questions. It was a killer when people kept asking when we were having a baby after our wedding because we had just miscarried twins weeks before our wedding day…

In case anyone is wondering my own family set up, I have a brother, close in age.

Whilst we got on well as children, we became very different people in our teens.
He's now 36, a (recovering) addict, no money and barely a pot to piss in if you excuse the phrase. Forever asking my parents and me for money and generally giving us headache. I love him very much, but siblings do not always make life better.

I have absolutely no doubt that he will not help me at all when my parents die.

@MRSDoos People always ask questions don't they. I've never understood why! I don't ask these things about anyone!

Sorry for your losses and congratulations on your pregnancy!

I am an only to a single mum. I am many things but not selfish. I regularly fly home from Europe to help her care for my elderly gran.
My mum is 1 of 4. Her siblings are selfish. They do absolutely nothing to help my gran and dump all the work on her.

How many siblings you need not be an indication of how selfish or otherwise you end up.

It's not actually a choice for all of us.

@XelaM Wow, I'm wondering if we know the same people! I know a set of twins who were from a family of 5 children. Of those 5, only 1 had DC, and she had only 1. The other twin says she doesn't want kids as they are hard work and take too much away from your freedom.

So coming from a big family can have the opposite effect.

This is true. But it's also quite a nosy type of small talk when you think about it and when you've been on the end of this type of 'small talk' question being painful/difficult to answer you tend to change what you ask. I have better conversations now btw.

OP, I completely get what you mean - it's a flippant way of asking something that it sounds like you have agonised over and it brings up that difficult decision at a time when you might not have been thinking about it and aren't in a position to answer frankly because it wouldn't be socially appropriate to be so open/vulnerable. I have it with 'are you married' all the time - such an obvious/inoffensive/open question but it makes me feel like 'oh, it's back to this again. I can't just exist in the world being valued for what I do offer without it quickly being turned around to this thing in my life which hasn't gone well'.

If you feel able, and particularly given the same people are repeatedly asking you (which is odd!) - I would actually not be flippant in response but make them feel a little bit uncomfortable for having asked such a personal question. No need to be rude or anything but make it clear that you think it's an intrusive/unwelcome question. 'That's a very personal question. Nothing's changed since we last spoke about this Simon. Now, how's little Johnny?'.

The issue with anecdotal evidence is that you can find some to suit almost any point of view and many people have low awareness of confirmation bias.

@TIGTBTSCIH

You have hit the nail on the head for me. Totally. Don't know how to quote but this particularly stood out:
'Oh, it's back to this again. I can't just exist in the world being valued for what I do offer without it quickly being turned around to this thing in my life which hasn't gone well'

I've thought of trying to make them uncomfortable but in a workplace scenario I'm conscious of it sounding like I'm weird or argumentative. Your response is great.

I agree that we can't be expected to tiptoe around conversations on the off chance that something is a sensitive topic.

However, to me your holiday example is not at all comparable with asking about someone's family plans. I think it should be obvious these days that having children IS a sensitive topic, with everything we know the high rates of baby loss/fertility issues (and that's before you even consider all the other factors that go in to a decision to have additional children, which OP has clearly articulated).

Within the past year I've stood next to my friend at a wedding while she politely cooed over someone else's new baby. Only for the conversation to then turn to 'do you think you and X will have children soon?'. I knew that at that very moment she was going through a miscarriage and that surface innocent question (when the asker likely didn't even care about the answer) was going to be salt in the wound.

Actually having another baby is purely for the benefit of the parents - not the existing child. When my parents had my brother I absolutely hated it, as prior to that I had their full attention/praise/time/money etc etc. My own daughter is even jealous of my relationship with our dog and would hate to have a baby sibling which would mean I would have less time for her/her activities