To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

I've got several friends with one child and have never thought anything of it. If anything , thinking about it, I feel envious of them

I tried to only have a only child.

I have two now. My son was born with a coil attached.

I get so jealous of one child families.

Just because other mums of only children are considerably younger, it doesn't mean you can't be good friends with them. It might help.

I forgot to add.

All the well rounded successful people in my life have no siblings. :)

Thank you for all the replies and helpful advice. The only child book sounds so helpful, I will look it up.

I feel it's unlucky (not the right word) that some of my colleagues tell me regularly I should have a sibling for DD and ask if I'm having any more. I am quite close to them and have worked there many years so maybe they feel they can say this stuff. I do feel recently that wherever I go I get asked about having another. One mum saw me in the pub over Christmas and I was drinking diet coke (i was hungover!) and she asked me if I was pregnant , then conversation moved to if I was going to be soon. It makes me obsess over it. I really need to distract myself and think about other things.
I know the anxiety sounds crazy, but I'm on long term ADS which help but it's underlying and I'm a natural worrier.

I feel very lucky to have DD, she's great and I couldn't ask for more.
I will try to make the most of what I have.

I don’t think people really care. I only have one child. He was born after four years of trying/ IVF but I made a choice not to try for another. My sister has very complex medical and social needs. My mother is a carer in her 70s. My partner is an only child and very happy about it. People will always have a comment to make about your choices but everyone’s situation depends on their own circumstances

It really is bizarre. I was never asked about whether I was going to have a second child, and there's nearly 7 years between my two.

Couldn't of written this any better, spot on

We only have one child, for many many reasons but we decided not to have another

That is a fact unless the subject comes up like this thread now I don't think about it, it is what it is

There are good and bad to both. I have three and get jealous of people now who can go off on holiday with ease with their one child, pay for all the clubs and activities they want. My first child child has severe needs which didn’t become apparent until I was already pregnant with my second. Had I known about his issues I think I would have decided that we should just have one. On the other hand he has benefitted so much from having a sibling to love him unconditionally. Don’t listen to anyone, people will judge us no matter what we do. Be happy with what you have and love the life you have been blessed with.

Some of my best friends are only children, and I can confirm only child syndrome is definitely real.

Sorry. they're still good people though.

I used to get the “only children are spoilt” line thrown at me, the reality was my parents couldn’t afford to have another child. It’s such bollocks really.

Please elaborate with examples of their behaviour as I'm curious now

Ignore it, OP, they’ll pipe down in a few years when it’s obvious you’re not having another child. It’s so boring when people rabbit on about it though!

I’m an only child and my honest opinion is that it has many advantages in terms of time and attention- but it can also be lonely. Definitely cultivate links with cousins, for example.

It sounds like you are in an area/ with people where having children is considered v v important to get asked this so often?? Of course, it’s important but isn’t necessarily everything (fertility problems aside).

There are some groups on FB that helped me work through my feelings about being ‘one and done’. One is called something like ‘parents with only child by choice’ and there is one where it isn’t the parents’ choice.

Saying ‘we’re one and done’ is quite categorical and others should understand that. If they keep asking, just smile! You could say, ‘we’re good the way we are, thanks’ or ‘My one is more than enough!’ If you want to and have the energy. There are many positives to having a singleton and many reasons for doing so but equally there are as many reasons for having multiples. We are fortunate if we get a choice.

Some of the reasons having one by choice:

• focus time, energy and resources
• environment
• parents might be more able to carry on with career
• have time for more hobbies
• easier/cheaper to go on holiday
• easier to support young adult child through university/ first stage of job etc…

The lonely, spoilt child is a stereotype but does exist! You can develop friendships more to help counteract this and family links eg cousins if you have them.

pros and cons to everything, op. 💐🌼

We should just copy/paste this every time the subject gets brought up

This really applies to larger families too, tickets are really geared to two parents/two kids

I agree the societal norms need to be challenged. I feel for people who can't have children and for people who choose not to because our society makes people feel like an outsider if they don't.

Ds was an only child for 11 years. I was sick to death of being asked when I would have another.

Then, I did have another and everyone was very relieved. Phew for them!

Then I had a third and some were outraged.

I can’t win 🤣

(Oh and when ds was an only child, one family member went on and on asking me why I didn’t have another baby so much that one day, I snapped and told her about the two horrific late miscarriage that almost killed me physically and emotionally and told her to shut up and never ask me again. But then of course, I was the bad guy for upsetting her).

I have 5 children and people asked me if I was having more regularly when they were younger. People made assumptions about what their childhood was like, why we had such a large family and were generally fairly annoying. They make similar daft assessments of sahm’s and working mums. People aren’t really engaging their brains in this instance and are just waffling on. No one really cares what you do.

Good point, I don't remember questioning peoples parenting choices but I may have asked the odd or two over the years

If I did it was in passing or just making conversation, rightly or wrongly

So I don't have in-depth thoughts on whether people will have more children or will stop at 8 kids or whatever, so I presume people don't have in depth thoughts about my choices

It is clearly bothering you an awful lot and you are hyper aware of it, deals on tickets etc. if I were you I’d work on how to change your response to the world for your own sanity. Do not choose to let the questions bother you.

I have had to force a similar way of outlook over questions about my mother when she was an alcoholic and I was NC. I had to learn not to react or get upset when colleagues asked about things like Mother’s Day etc.

i found looking into stoicism helped me, helped me learn to accept that i didn’t have to let the actions of others upset me. I could take that power away from them with my own reactions.

I think many people are jealous as they have to fork out double or triple for things like activities, child care, holidays etc etc and spread their time more thinly amongst multiple children rather than having the time, money and energy for one.
A friend of mine shuts them down with the line "we got it right first time, thanks" which I think is brilliant.

Same applies with big families, assumptions I can't give my children what they need emotionally and they miss out, tickets for 2 adults, 2 children, rarely for more than two amongst other things, the societal "norm" seems to be to have 2 children.

People are rude and intrusive, my brother had a baby via IVF, them having one was a miracle but they're plagued by "why not give him a sibling he'll be lonely " he won't be lonely, he has friends, he has cousins and he's loved. I got comments like "don't you have a TV" etc. Which used to piss me off, now I reply with yep it's tuned to Pornhub and people soon shut up. You made a decision that's best for you and your family, enjoy it and shut down interfering assholes.

I don’t think it’s ok to say ‘people are just making conversation’ when the root of that chit chat is essentially societal pressure. When you’re dating it’s questions about marriage, then babies, then another baby… essentially we collectively conspire to force people down the ‘this is what you’re supposed to do’ route, whether consciously or not. While I think that there’s no malice in 90% of these questions, I do also think that when someone doesn’t ‘conform’, there’s an element of people feeling a bit put out (sometimes- not all people)- it’s almost like someone NOT conforming is seen as a comment on the lifestyle of the majority? We had this a lot when I didn’t change my name on marriage, and we’ve had it again with having an only child.

There are advantages and disadvantages to pretty much any choice like this OP. We’re better off financially and DC has much more of our attention. I do worry about them being ‘lonely’ when older but neither DH or I get on with our siblings, so I don’t think this is a good reason to justify a second child. A sibling isn’t a guaranteed friend for life unfortunately.