To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

Tell the truth. Why say environment? Your business. So own it. No need to lie.

But I thought you had step children according to another thread I was on with you 😐

I certainly won't be losing sleep over the anecdotal musings of @BabyOnBoard90 and her partner.

Sitting around a table and pulling a friend's character apart shows such a tactless disregard for others that I'd assume you must both be only children.

I think it is because it is partly to do with the environment...I don't want my kids to inherit the mess of climate change.

I think it comes across as the smug, moral high ground which would annoy some but also a good answer as it's true.

If people ask personal, annoying questions that make people uncomfortable, give them annoying answers that make them feel uncomfortable.

But you said “in reality” for very different reasons than the environment

And it will come across as smug to some… so you will end up in a debate about that

and some will agree

and most will just nod and move on. Same as if you’d told the truth

I eventually got to thinking through pros and cons, and came to the conclusion that my main reason "for" having a second child was other people's views on only children. My mother had always been very disparaging about only children - to be fair, she didn't mention this at all after we grew up and started families, but that didn't unsay the things I'd heard her say when I was a teenager.

Once I realised that, it was a no brainer that we stuck at one. It worked very well for us, and she is very happy to be an only (now 16). I do think that she might have found the first lockdown easier with a sibling, but she's not convinced, and that wasn't exactly a scenario we saw coming!

I kept waiting for the comments on only children and social skills - in fact, nobody voiced them, but I would have been ready to point out that I wasn't that good socially, and I was one of four - it was more likely a hereditary issue!

I was fascinated that her primary school friendship group was mostly "onlies", plus a couple who were quite a bit younger than their siblings. I don't know whether that was partly because they all had the same sort of family dynamic at home, and so related to each other more easily. It was also the case that all their mums were at the older end, all the mums were in engineering/maths/science, and the kids themselves were all very bright (and now heading for maths/science) - so other common factors, quite possibly related.

I guess I'm lucky that my child's friends' mums were all quite similar to me - hopefully you will find some people you get on with. We were also able to trade childcare (something that is MUCH easier with onlies) as we worked part-time/flexibly/from home.

People who ask repeatedly about whether you're having another are very insensitive - suppose there's a medical reason why you can't that you don't wish to discuss. I'd be inclined to be blunt, and point that out. Asking once may just be "making conversation", although I think I've always avoided that as a conversation-starter, just in case.

I think that can be the experience of having 2. My sister has 2 (DD12 and DS9) though and she spends her life breaking up fights. No way would she get peace at the pool! I’ve just booked a holiday for me and DD for the summer and we are going to a gorgeous hotel and will swim, sun, read and snorkel. We enjoy a lot of the same things and she’s great company! We will probably also go souvenir shopping and eat out a fair bit. She can amuse herself so if I do need an hours peace she’ll happily colour, read or play on her tablet. She’s old enough to stay up until I’m sleepy so I can have a drink in the bar and we both love a bit of people watching. Last year we went to Greece and had the best time ever bobbing about in the warm sea on inflatables and eating geek food. 2 kids is not wrong but one kid doesn’t necessarily leave you with a perpetually miserable and bored child either!

We have an only child in their late teens now & I have walked this path a long long time now.
My biggest wish is that these regular threads about this would actually cause those of you who consider asking deeply personal & invasive questions as 'small talk" to stop & think & not continue doing so..If 'no-one cares how many kids you have & it's only small talk' then why are you asking that question which has the potential to really upset the other person? Just talk about the weather or something if you're so inept at small talk!

We didn't even consider having a second until our dc was 2 yrs old & even in that phase I was asked multiple times if we were thinking of having another. I also noted it was ALWAYS women asking me as the woman- never men asking my dh. Nor indeed did these women ask my dh either. Its a weird bubble some women seem to get trapped in.

We decided to try for a second & went on to endure 8 years of heartbreak - monthly disappointment for 5 years- that's 60 individual cases of dashed hopes & tears compounded many many many times by insensitive comments & prying by other mothers at children's parties, school gates, play dates etc. Each question badly answered by me & it was like a knife in the heart. 'Small talk' to them - a wound to me - do u lie & say we don't want more when that was the very opposite if the truth or do I lay bare the raging pain over the cupcakes & cocktail sausages in the spirit of small talk?

After 5 years we entered a new phase of invasive treatments - IUI, IVF, finally a pregnancy after 8 years only to lose it at 12 weeks. That was the end for us. The questions has trailed off by this stage which I was thankful for I have to say.

My observations were that it was always women of a certain type who asked all the probing questions - they usually had a minimum of 3 kids themselves, an assumption that they way they did things was the way everyone should do things, not particularly aware of things outside their orbit (that's bring dimplomatic) & not particularly phased by the fact that their asking of that question has caused someone else to stumble out an answer. They simply has zero comprehension of HOW personal a question it was as they had no direct experience of that struggle or how it permeates every fibre of your being when your in it

I know my story only represents those of us who have an only child not by choice & there are just as many who have made that choice for other reasons. Imo its still not a topic for 'small talk'

I am in my 50s now & I have never & will never ask anyone if they're having more children..I wish more people would engage some critical thinking & stop asking. Find some better small talk topics .

It's a really personal decision, as you say - and any child brought into the world should be truly wanted. I am an only child and I hate it. I think having a sibling (for better or for worse!) is a key human experience / relationship and something I regret missing out on. The loneliness only gets more acute as I get older: I wish there was someone else out there who understands the intricacies of my family dynamics (in a way you only can if you've lived it), I wish there was someone else to share the emotional and practical burden as my parents age, I wish there was someone else who has known me all my life. I was 100% sure that I would adopt a sibling for my first child if we could not conceive one naturally - for me, it's that important. All of that needs to be balanced against your MH and the other factors you mention. My parents were very introverted / anti-social, so we didn't have much contact with wider family either. If you just have one, I think it's important to make an effort to forge bonds with other children in your child's wider family if at all possible.

Apologies for all the typos I'm positing from my phone.
I also posted too soon. So, not by choice, we have an only & we have done everything in our ability to give her as good a life as we can. She is sociable & outgoing & has a wide circle of lovely friends. We gave her our time & attention. Our love & our hopes for her to have a wonderful life. What other choice did we have. Interestingly she has never wanted a sibling. She loves to socialise but also loves to recharge her batteries at home in peace. We're always here for her but we give her space too. We both work full time & have full & interesting careers & an active social life ourselves. We love with all our hearts being her parents & we're grateful every single day that we were lucky enough to have her & indeed, what a good one she is!

I get it OP. I think what you are talking about is not often voiced - that there are reasons other than infertility that make having a second child impossible for some families.

It's a painful reality to face and other people's lack of understanding do not help. I don't know if I will ever be at peace with not providing a sibling for my DD, but having a second would be an enormous risk to our ability to parent our existing child adequately. What I would give for one supportive grandparent or aunty to help carry the load.

I sometimes get asked this question too (but not very often) and I simply say ‘One is enough for
me’.
I don’t really see a problem, people are curious and ask all sorts of things, it’s OK.

Also - there is an only child topic on MN, maybe we could set up a supportive thread there?

I tried posting there once and got flamed for using the term only child. I find that aggressive attitude from people who feel that having one child is amazing to be as invalidating as the people asking - when will.you have one more.

Tbh I don't get why anyone gets so pressed by the views of a stranger on the Internet.

There's no expectation that people share the same views or opinions IRL, it should be significantly less so on an Internet forum.

I do ....she had DGP's on her maternal side that she spent a lot of her summers with ( the only family on her mothers side allowed to have her unsupervised...tbf they were lovely), leaving just me and DD on our own during holiday times. Why should DD lose out because her sister was spending carefree times in Cornwall for 4 weeks. I would take DD away...which I couldn't have done if her sister was with us. As the PP was talking about the summer holidays, that was what I was responding to.

@NegroniLover just to say how refreshing to read your post. I’m that Mum in the thick of it right now with a 5 year old and can honestly say it’s the toughest thing I’ve had to deal with. I can’t escape the sibling/baby reminders and the insensitivity of some people has astounded me, even family or so-called close friends. Secondary infertility isn’t a light hearted conversation to open up with somebody who’s struggling to hide their heartbreak.

Really? I don’t find any aggressive attitudes like that. In my experience, it’s more common for people to ask ‘why do you have only one child?’ than ‘why do you have more than one child?’ but no aggression, I think people just want to know what it’s like, pros and cons etc

@Jellyfish7 sending you solidarity & love. It's also the hardest thing I've ever endured too. All I can say is, whatever way it works out for you, it does get easier!
After that last miscarriage I was literally on the floor & it tool me a long while to pick myself up. But I did & slowly peace came with the acceptance that we had dd & we were lucky to have her. (She was 10 at that stage).
As the months went by & we'd given up all hope & effort it became easier & it also became easier to find joy in life as it was not as we wished it might be.
Our dd is the light of our lives & she is the singular best thing that ever happened to us. However we're v careful to not put all that pressure/ focus overtly on her. I began focusing more on my career & have had several promotions etc since.
We have a fantastic life with dd & we also have a fantastic adult life too with friends & tracel & events etc. I can truly say I'm happy & at peace with it all now.
I wish you the very very best & hope you also find that peace of mind whether that's with a second baby or not x

I would also like to add that @BabyOnBoard90 your comments are ridiculous & offensive. And I hope it stays fine for you with your assertions that you will have a minimum of 2 kids. Many of us on here also had that hope....

As for your 'only child syndrome'..poppycock!

In primary school dd had issues with 2 girls who wanted to boss her around & be top dog or 'the leader' & who had issues sharing both physically with toys & socially with taking turns & guess what - they were both middle children of 3. Perhaps they struggled to assert their dominance at home with one older & one younger etc but.who knows. And I don't go around saying all middle children are bullies...because that would be wrong. And stupid.

Don't care

I am an only child and my DD15 is an only child. We are far from selfish/ lonely/ bored. We have a great relationship and brilliant friends.
Would it have been nice to have a sibling? Maybe, but it didn’t do me any harm not having one.
My daughter got a step brother her age around 3 years ago- they hardly talk and mainly argue.

I am 38 and don’t want anymore children I’m more than happy with my one and tell people exactly that

😂

@BabyOnBoard90 i am cringing for you

you boast post about offending your best friend by saying she’s a “typical” only child whilst on holiday, then you list a load of negative features that you have collated on the pool of single child friends that you are close to and then wonder why people may care .

Parents tend to get upset when twatty posters lost generalisations about how their children will likely turn out in adult hood.

As I say, I have siblings and my children have siblings, so I have no “skin in the game” as such but I read your posts and I shake my head at your lack of nuance and narrow mindedness

And the cherry on the cake

@BabyOnBoard90 currently has one child. Yes she wants more but as it currently stands…. She is a one child family.

Oh and started a thread post the birth of her child about how let down she felt by her family for not visiting or supporting her post birth. Even mentioning one sibling not having bothered to visit 5 months after the birth.

doesn’t exactly sound like quite the picture perfect sibling relationship you’d have us believe here @BabyOnBoard90 !!