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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

241 replies

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 18:18

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 05/01/2023 19:28

Nobody cares how many children you have.

IAmTheWalrus80 · 05/01/2023 19:30

awakenme · 05/01/2023 18:57

I avoid asking people about when they are having children or more children full stop. I have one child and got sick of people asking about siblings so I started to tell the truth. I had multiple miscarriages before my daughter was born and 2 since. The emotional toll was too much so we stopped trying. It might be what some people use to make small talk but it's intrusive.

Show quote history

I honestly think people who make small talk by asking others about their future plans for their genitalia must be seriously socially inept.

I’ve never made small talk by asking about whether people are going to have children or more children. For the same reason I don’t ask single people why they aren’t married. Or any other intrusive questions with a potentially painful answer.

Judgyjudgy · 05/01/2023 19:31

donttellmehesalive · 05/01/2023 18:40

When you're dating, people ask when you're going to move in together or get married.

Then they start asking about babies.

Then they start asking about siblings.

It's just small talk. There is no intent to upset you. Nobody gives a shit, surely, how many babies someone else has.

Totally this.
Most people are probably asking to just make conversation.
I wasn't sure if I could even have children, and people asking me when or if I had children made me so uncomfortable

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 05/01/2023 19:35

YABU Like you said you are not at peace with it so maybe others are picking up on your uncertainty and are just interested. I doubt they are that invested. Something to talk about it isn't it. If you said nah just one. They're not going to challenge you!

The thing about 2nd baby announcements makes you sound resentful. Why is it hard to see that they dont want the same as you? Sounds like you're making it into an issue on some level you're blaming other people as you can't decide. You need to be more confident in your decision then I doubt it'll bother you.

CAJIE · 05/01/2023 19:37

Cant u ignore societal pressures? Oh sorry.silly question.. this is Mumsnet

fajitaaaa · 05/01/2023 19:38

The worst is when you answer it "just the one for me" and they say "ahh you'll change your mind" and you say "no I can't have more, I got lucky with (name)" they shuffle off without an apology as if you're the one who made it awkward.

Newjobformoremoney · 05/01/2023 19:40

Hi OP
Same age with a single kiddie (who is absolutely fabulous). My only advice would be think about how many fucks you actually have mentally to give and then think is this really worthy of one.
I don’t have a fuck to give on this one so honestly it doesn’t bother me.
You can’t change society, but what you can change is your reaction to it (I learnt that on the amazing Spider-Man series.)
I hope you find peace in only having one. It’s a journey and don’t underestimate the weight that you’ll be carrying

fajitaaaa · 05/01/2023 19:40

awakenme · 05/01/2023 18:57

I avoid asking people about when they are having children or more children full stop. I have one child and got sick of people asking about siblings so I started to tell the truth. I had multiple miscarriages before my daughter was born and 2 since. The emotional toll was too much so we stopped trying. It might be what some people use to make small talk but it's intrusive.

Show quote history

I might try that approach and be blunter

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 19:42

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 19:02

@thirdtimeluckyorwhat If people don't care, why do I get asked by the same people on an almost weekly basis? I do not know what to say anymore. Cant be rude as some are work colleagues.

Seriously? How often a week do you meet someone new who asks how many children you have? 😐

justasoul · 05/01/2023 19:44

I’m not too sure about your rambling post, OP, but agree with the sentiment of the title. There definitely are some people out there who are prejudiced against “onlies” - maybe not consciously. One of my DD’s KS1 teachers asked if she had siblings and when I said no she said she couldn’t tell because she was so kind and social and good at sharing Confused

I agree with PPs saying no one cares how many children you have but some definitely make assumptions about you and your child if you only have one.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 19:46

@Goodgrief82 They are not new people I meet. They are colleagues who ask over and over again. Maybe it's just me 😅

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 05/01/2023 19:51

It's the same colleagues over and over gain? That is actually quite odd. Can't you just say 'never' and shut them up?

CoalCraft · 05/01/2023 19:51

Once you have two people ask about number 3! I shut it down by jokingly saying "ha, no, DH is on the waiting list to make sure that definitely can't happen!" (which is true)

Soproudoflionesses · 05/01/2023 19:55

I couldn't have any more after dd was born and got fucking sick of people asking me when l was having number 2. Didn't want to have to explain why we only had one as it was nobody's business and really upsetting to me.

I hear you op.

Original poster
reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 19:56

@donttellmehesalive They do! English is not their first language however so I wonder if it is something to say to make conversation, but it's been like that for a couple of years now so 🙄
Next thing on my list is to say 'You have to have sex to get pregnant last time I checked" but no doubt that will draw more attention to me than just saying never 🙈

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 05/01/2023 19:57

This is 100% an issue of just being determined/assertive about your own family planning and a side of eye-rolling when the stereotypes are brought out.

We had a large planned gap, basically just deflected any only child/large gap nonsense and had some strong still-only families in our circle.

MontyK · 05/01/2023 20:04

I have an only, nearly 8 years old. I've had people ask me throughout the years but the older he gets, the less people ask and the less they tend to give a shit! He used to talk about siblings but it tailed off when he was 5/6.

It probably helps that I know a lot of people with one child, in his year at school there are plenty. I certainly wouldn't say it's unusual and it's fast becoming the norm imo.

Don't feel pressured by what other people think you should do. It's not right for you and you're making the best decision for yourself and not caving in. Be proud of that!

Judgyjudgy · 05/01/2023 20:04

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 19:46

@Goodgrief82 They are not new people I meet. They are colleagues who ask over and over again. Maybe it's just me 😅

Oh well in that case, just tell them they're rude and shut them up

SpongeBob2022 · 05/01/2023 20:13

I only have one, which is due to fertility factors and not choice. I spent several years feeling incredibly guilty for not giving my DS a sibling. I've made my peace with it now though (he's 8) and people do tend to stop asking once it's obvious there's a huge gap.

Obviously I spend time with families of different sizes and what I've realised is that those with siblings may be lucky to have a brother or sister to play with but they are no happier overall in life than my DS. And they're also no more or less rounded as people. DS would love a sibling but he's not lonely.

In all honesty I also think my mental health is in a better state having only one. I do hate the only child stigma and it does exist for some people, but I think those of us in that position can be oversensitive about it. I also think that what you have to deal with around only child stigma is nothing compared with being in the 'no child at all' camp.

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 20:29

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 19:46

@Goodgrief82 They are not new people I meet. They are colleagues who ask over and over again. Maybe it's just me 😅

Well they sound a bit stupid… to continually ask the same question. How bizarre

Outandover · 05/01/2023 20:43

To these people who repeatedly ask say “Why do you want to know?” Rinse and repeat. Don’t elaborate, just repeat back to them again and again. Put the onus on them to justify repeatedly demanding such personal information from a colleague. Maybe they might eventually reflect on what they are asking and whether it is a welcome question (or maybe they are too thick to).

I am an only child and my DS is an only too. Neither was through choice but my parents, and my DH and I, dealt with the hand that life gave us all. It’s no one else’s business and only small-minded people make sweeping statements about the behaviour of children according to their birth order.

UnaOfStormhold · 05/01/2023 20:47

There's a book called Parenting an only child by Susan somebody which I found very helpful in getting over the guilt of not having a second (we had fertility problems so were incredibly lucky to have our first). There's lots in there about the possible advantages having an only child and what you can do to compensate for the potential disadvantages.

Testina · 05/01/2023 20:52

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 18:54

Little things like; when trying to buy tickets for an activity over Christmas, I noticed there is never an option for 1 child 2 adults, only 2 children 2 adults or 3 children 1 adult. Ridiculous to question why perhaps, but there is it.

You know that businesses decide their pricing based on - well, business! - not your perceived prejudices, right?

A two adult / one combo is more likely to buy without any discount because there’s more likely to be two earning adults in the group, and they’re only paying for one non-earning group member. Oh yeah - and cos they’ll pay up cos only children are spoilt 😉🤣

”It gives me anxiety.” <<< this, is ridiculous. Either stop bandying around debilitating medical conditions that you don’t have, or if you do have - see a GP.

Woodenheart33 · 05/01/2023 20:55

You don't need to justify your life or choices to anyone op, do what works for you.

SwingandaPrayer · 05/01/2023 20:55

I'm totally frank when anyone asks why I didn't have more kids and say my ovaries dried up and DS1 was hard enough to have in the first place. All true. Then they change the subject. I have grieved for the sibling I could never give him and discussed it with my therapist but focus my energy on making sure DS9 does not fit into all the usual negative stereotypes aimed at only children.