To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

We have one child as my husband only wants one and quite frankly it does make more sense given my health issues. However, I would like a second so when people ask me it does feel really awkward to reply as people always want to know why. I think that's what really annoys me, I don't mind being asked if we're having more children but being asking why we're sticking with one or do I want more children is a much more awkward question to answer!

It’s your husbands sister

if you don’t feel you can, then HE needs to stop with the vague “quality over quantity” and be direct. No need for shouting or drama. Just a firm,” please stop asking. You were a great support during difficult pregnancy and birth, and now we need you to support our decision and not mention again”

It’s not my husband’s sister, it’s my cousin’s wife. We see them a few times a year.

Some people struggle to have one. Like me. I'd trot that one out if I were you, soon shuts them up. Unless they want to hear gory details about stillbirth and miscarriages.

Besides, I get a decent discount when booking holidays as single parent with child so, flicks hair.

Just be thankful you are not an only child who does not have children.

People are annoying and shouldn't be asking you when you are having another child.
However, you need to ignore them. I am an only child and I am lovely

I have one DD who is 15. I couldn't have more. She's the loveliest child and life is much easier in many ways only having one.

Ignore the idiots and enjoy your child.

People make all sorts of lazy and annoying assumptions. The bossy eldest, the attention seeking middle, the babyish youngest, the only that can’t share. Are you trying for a girl because you’ve had boys, you must be done because you’ve had one of each. Etc. Etc.
It really isn’t anything to waste time thinking about. Enjoy your child! Besides, in my DD’s class (she’s 5 and at a private school in London if relevant) there are as many onlys as there are siblings. The unusual one these days tends to be families with 3 or more.

I get it Op. If it helps it does seem to get easier with time.

I've read my original post back and agree it doesn't come across well and is garbled. Had a difficult day yesterday and sometimes Mumsnet is a good place to vent when you have no one in RL to talk to.

There have been some great points made on here and I thank everyone for their insights. Good to hear both sides of the coin. And thank you for some posters who have been kind. DD is my best little friend and we are always out, we see lots of other people, families of all different sizes and she has plenty of friends whose mums I know. Admittedly, these people do ask me about having another child too. I know they don't really care about my answers but when you get it a lot from different areas of your life over a period of years it can be annoying and make you feel 'lesser than'. For this reason I love seeing my childfree friends as they seem to have a different perspective on life and it's nice not to have to justify things and talk about something else.

To the pp who said it's not anyones fault I grudgingly decided to stick at one....it's not grudgingly. I wish i was someone who wanted a lot of kids and was more maternal. I'm not. I'm not prepared to have more children to fit a mould and to give DD a sibling as I couldn't cope. Some women can, some can't. It makes me feel sad that I couldn't cope with more but it's good to be self aware. I need to focus on giving DD a good life.
Sorry to hear the losses that have been expressed on here x

@WannabeMathematician Exactly this! People always want to know why.
If no one cares, why are they always asking?! It is an awkward question to answer and one I have never really found an ideal response to.

Maybe I'm very odd but I've never once asked anyone when they are having a baby, why they aren't having kids, why do they only have one, why do they have 3, etc. None of my business and I do think it's rude. Maybe I am wrong.

Me neither asked but you’re not right and you’re not wrong.

We can’t expect others to be sensitive to issues that are impacting us but at face value…. Aren’t sensitive issues.

So asking where someone is going on holiday. Face value? Not a sensitive issue. But what happens if the respondent is enduring serious financial hardship and the very notion of a desperately yearned for holiday is completely out of the question

The most common thing is

• they are all about themselves and struggle to feign genuine interest in the lives of others, and even when they do the subject matter is quickly unintentionally diverted back to them.

• They're also not the most confrontational, and either shy away from conflict or have poor approaches to conflict resolution. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people this AM.

• They don't like sharing things most don't care about. Conversely expect you to share things most wouldn't ask you to share.

I remember this became a subject matter on holiday in Thailand, and my best friend was shocked and offended that we all agreed they had only child tendencies. The VERY next morning I asked my friend how they had found the holiday so far, after they answered I then proceeded to ask others at the breakfast table. My friend literally piped up and said "I just already told you?!" I said "... I know.... But there are other people on the table Ms OC". Which gave us all a good chuckle.

Of course I can't generalise to everyone, this is just my anecdotal experience, my partner has made very similar observations, and insists we have a minimum of 2 kids. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people and be quoted a thousand times.

I'm sure only children can have perfectly happy upbringings. My only concern would be that their future children will have no aunts, uncles or cousins on that side of the family. I'd worry about future loneliness in next generations as families shrink. My parents died young...I'd be so alone if I hadn't had a sibling.

Out of interest, how many people are we talking about here?

I only have one child who is now 27. I don't recall ever being asked about stuff like this. If I had, it would have pissed me off too. People need to mind their own damn business.

My only DS (15) is a delight. I read some of the threads on the Teenagers topic and am aghast at what some parents are experiencing.
Now I'm not saying he's a delight because he's an only child, but it clearly hasn't caused any selfish or domineering tendencies.

@BabyOnBoard90 That's a bit shitty to your friend isn't it? Picking her bad points out with your other friends and telling her it's due to her being an only child?

I'm not denying these traits exist, it's very annoying when anything negative about a personality HAS to equate to them being an only child.

Yes, that can happen to some of us.

I am all along dealing with my only surviving parent (lost one in childhood) and their dementia. I wish I had a sibling. I know that relationships break down, siblings don’t speak but not always. I need help and support with my father. I need a break from it relentlessly just being me. If I had a sibling, there would be a fighting chance of having that, at least. Or, I could have been the arsehole sibling to have thrown the towel in - it might have saved my mental health from nosediving.

I was also incredibly lonely growing up.

My son was an only child until he was 11 and I made sure he wasn’t lonely, but it was hard work sometimes. So different to his two younger sisters now who have him and each other. Even with the age gaps, they are all so close and I wish I had experienced that.

Well we all have traits, which was part of the conversation.

Oldest child traits, youngest child traits, middle and only child traits. Doesn't make us bad or defect, just part of our character. The traits you can deal with will be dependent on your own traits.

E.g. I'm the oldest sibling, so used to control and direction. My partner is the youngest sibling. The inverse relationship works for us.

How many only children have I known over the course of my life? I don't know. I'm in London so I've known many. And even dated a couple who I'm still distant friends with.

What garbage!

My best friend is one of 4 siblings close in age and one of them is her twin(!) and she is the most self-centred and selfish person I know. She actually acknowledges it and that's why she never wants kids and can't understand anyone who would want kids because she wouldn't be able to concentrate on herself/live her best life.

I hate the whole 'I dont want my elderly care to be burdened on just one child.'

Or

'I want them to have company and play with each other.'

None of these things are assured - I never played with my brother growing up and he did absolutely fuck all help with my Dads end of life care. If anything, he was a hindrance. We dont speak.

I often wonder if money wasnt the main issue for our decision to stop at one, would we have another? I dont think I would. I am 40 this year, I know my risks for having a child that may be ND is higher and I know I would struggle.

Instead we are able to offer our child a wonderful life of travel, security, expenses and our time, whilst also having time just for us as adults.

My daughter's four closest friends are only kids and they are totally lovely and very caring girls. On the other hand, her best friend from primary was one of three and quite selfish.