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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

257 replies

throwawayname00 · 05/01/2023 09:25

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 05/01/2023 09:28

I actually think it’s good? If the dynamic of the group has led to bullying then surely you’d want your ds separated from that?

Allsnotwell · 05/01/2023 09:28

I think you need to leave the disabling policy with the school. Clearly these boys aren’t good together.

I think you are down playing the incidents.

Your son needs to make a better choice of friends, and you need to support that.

Allsnotwell · 05/01/2023 09:29

*discipline

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/01/2023 09:30

Your son was bullying someone and you’re cross that school has stopped that happening? Yup, you would be unreasonable to go in all guns blazing.

FatGirlSwim · 05/01/2023 09:30

Calling them out for bullying is fine imo as it sends a clear message and a zero tolerance approach. The boys need to realise the seriousness of their actions.

If it were my child, I’d be happy for that group to be separated and would probably encourage new friendships.

Onnabugeisha · 05/01/2023 09:31

I’m sorry but you lost me when you put bullying in to quote marks. It sounds like you haven’t accepted the fact your DS is a bully and has been caught by the school bullying. It’s not unusual at all for the school investigation to find that certain groups of boys tend to egg each other on into ever escalating poor behaviour- including bullying. Breaking up the group was the right thing to do.

I think you’re being unreasonable to think the group being broken up is a punishment, when it benefits everyone. It’s primarily for the safety of their victim(s), but it’s also to the benefit of your DS to not be in a toxic group of boys.

Sirzy · 05/01/2023 09:32

I think trying to keep them apart is sensible and I would be encouraging a new friendship group

Whinge · 05/01/2023 09:34

DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.

This is quite difficult to manage, so wouldn't have been put in place unless absolutely necessary. I'd be interested in hearing more about the bullying, as you seem to be downplaying how serious it was. It might be time to encourage other friendships and remind your DS that actions have consequences.

SoupDragon · 05/01/2023 09:34

If my child had been part of a bullying group, I would be pleased they were being split up.

WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 09:35

I would be 100% with the school on this one

toomuchlaundry · 05/01/2023 09:36

Going in guns blazing is never a good idea.

You can ask the teacher calmly what the position is. It’s feasible that the teacher had seen the boys gang together before class started and had to nip it in the bud before it escalated again. How do you think the boy who was subject to this bullying feels?

pointythings · 05/01/2023 09:37

I'm also with the school on this one. Clearly there's a bad dynamic in that group, and 2-3 weeks isn't enough to break that up. Bullying is serious, don't minimise it. You should be grateful to the school for teaching your DS that it isn't acceptable. Let's hope he learns the lesson.

PrayingandHoping · 05/01/2023 09:38

Why would you want your son to be playing with these boys? They clearly aren't a good influence on each other

And 2/3 weeks apart is never going to be enough to resolve it

You do sound like you are downplaying the fact your child has been part of it all

Tempone · 05/01/2023 09:38

Disbanding a gang of bullies is always a good thing IMO.

LadyDanburysHat · 05/01/2023 09:39

You really shouldn't do this. I agree with others they should be kept apart. And I would also be happy my child was being separated from others who he had behaved badly with.

Also they were only separated for 2-3 weeks, I don't see that as long enough.

RayRai · 05/01/2023 09:40

I'm with the school.

Original poster
throwawayname00 · 05/01/2023 09:41

Whinge · 05/01/2023 09:34

DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.

This is quite difficult to manage, so wouldn't have been put in place unless absolutely necessary. I'd be interested in hearing more about the bullying, as you seem to be downplaying how serious it was. It might be time to encourage other friendships and remind your DS that actions have consequences.

I think bullying was too strong a word tbh, between these boys the other kids coat was hidden, his lunch box thrown across the hall, he was chased around the playground.

However, the reports are he would also throw their lunchboxes, he would run off shouting you wont ever catch me.
One of the bullies bit him, after the bullied kid dared him to bite his arm.

I also, wonder if I feel this way as I have very little communication from the school here. I hear things from my DS and then have to corroborate them with the school, where as I feel the parents should be made aware of how the school are handling it.

I also personally feel that they all missed huge social development milestones during COVID lockdowns and as such, their social development is delayed. If this had happened in year 1 instead of year 3 they would have treated it differently.
These boys are learning those boundaries now. They made mistakes and it has been dealt with, how will anyone know if they can be trusted if they aren't allowed to try again?

OP posts:
MrNook · 05/01/2023 09:41

And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

Bullying a child is awful IMO!

Surely if your son is bullying/in a friend group with bullies you wouldn't want him hanging out with them anyway?

WendelineTestaburger · 05/01/2023 09:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
throwawayname00 · 05/01/2023 09:45

MrNook · 05/01/2023 09:41

And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

Bullying a child is awful IMO!

Surely if your son is bullying/in a friend group with bullies you wouldn't want him hanging out with them anyway?

I agree that both are awful, but I struggle with where does the situation get to be left in the past and moved on from?
I am not saying, although people seem to be reading it that way, that it should be swept under the carpet and completely forgotten about but I do feel that at some point you have to let children move on from (and learn from) a negative incident.

Speak to them privately, I am most unhappy about it being in front of everyone.

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 05/01/2023 09:46

And who reported that the child also did things to the bullying group? Your son and his friends?

I'm afraid this really does read as a parent who doesn't want to believe this of their own child..... (which I do understand must be hard)

toomuchlaundry · 05/01/2023 09:46

My DS was bullied at Primary. A group of children ganged up on him, sometimes it was physical but a lot of time it was small things that on their own might not mean anything but added up made DS’s life a misery. Luckily a new teacher took a very hard line on it and sorted it out. It’s horrible (and scary) when a group single out one child

OopzIDidItAgain · 05/01/2023 09:46

However, the reports are

Official reports from staff or reports from your son and his gang of bullies? I'm willing to bet I know the answer.

Support the school. I'd be embarrassed of my child bullied someone and would be pleased the school is stepping in to make up for my lack of good parenting.

FatGirlSwim · 05/01/2023 09:49

My child is in y3, and I honestly do think you are victim blaming and making excuses. If my child had behaved that way, I’d be appalled.

Another of my dc was involved in an incident of bullying. It was a total one off, and not one sided, but my child was in the wrong and behaving badly. I came down like a ton of bricks, my child wrote a letter of apology to the other child, copied to the other parents and teacher, and never did anything remotely like that again.

You could ask for a meeting with the school to make sure you’re fully up to speed and on the same page in handling it. I would want to know what had happened and how school were dealing with it, if it were my child, but definitely think that separating the group would be something I’d encourage.

BaconMassive · 05/01/2023 09:49

I think you are right with the impact of the pandemic. Missed milestones and a period of isolation from their peers where social norms are learned.

There should be more unconditional positive regard, which in this case means kindness.

However schools can't have children biting each other.

The school needs to get the balance between disciplinary action and positive regard correct which I agree with you that if a line has been drawn and a fresh start announced then that should be the case.

I would possibly send an email pointing this out.

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