WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

[throwawayname00]

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

This.

There's always threads on here about schools not dealing with bullying. I am glad to hear of one finally taking it seriously.

Why would you want your child to play in a group of kids who bully another child? If i was you, i would be working with the school and make sure that they know that you support them in making sure that your child isnt 'playing' with these other kids.

I would encourage seperating them and i wouldn't want my child to be playing with anyone who at 8 years old bit another child.

For the record - singling out as a group by - chasing, throwing that child's property and also hiding his things - is so nasty and is bullying and probably something that in a long line of horrible things that these kids have done to this boy.

Yes covid was hard for everyone unfortunately but, still - basic manners and behaviour is still able to be applied, whatever the situation.

Honestly you should be pleased the school are working towards resolving this as an ongoing process rather than just sweeping it under the carpet. It is not just knee jerk punishment your DS needs, it's effectively retraining to form good friendships and understanding of how his behaviour impacts other people.

As other people have already told you, what you consider to be low level can have a significant impact on the victim decades later. I would wager that you don't have experience of being in this position because you wouldn't be minimising your DS's behaviour if you did.

If you do speak to the school about this, I would be doing so only to say you support whatever they feel they need to do to break up this nasty little bullying group your DS was part of. Being called out publicly for being part of it may help him understand the impact of being singled out.

, I don't think that makes your son a bad person or a bully for life.

Op will ensure that happens though by making excuses. A normal parent would be horrified.

It probably took the victim's mother a good couple of weeks to extract the details from him. This process is akin to excavation with some kids (my eldest being one such).

It's good that this school have made the consequences visible, however unpalatable that may be to some. More of that in society at large wouldn't be the worst thing.

I don't think you should view this as all guns blazing or nothing. I think it's fair enough to ask the school why they are still being separated - if nothing else I would be worried it suggests there is still some undesirable behaviours going on. You could couch it as you wanting to know if that is the case.

Although I have been defending the OP a little bit, and I do believe that mistakes can be rectified, I do also believe that the school / teachers are best placed to make the call on whether it is appropriate to allow the boys to play together again if they don't feel the situation has been resolved.

The difference is that OP’s DS hasn’t changed his behaviour. That’s the huge, huge, huge difference between a child being a bully and a child being a former bully. Your child wet themselves, they were a “wetter” (is that even a word for someone who wets themselves?). But he stopped, so no, not “labelled for life”. OP’s child isn’t “labelled for life” either - they’re labelled for the time that they keep behaving inappropriately. The teacher has said that they still can’t be trusted not to bully other children and they’ve absolutely bullied a child just a few weeks ago - that makes them a bully. It’s not “labelling for life” to say someone is a bully based on their current continuation of behaviour that was acknowledged to be bullying behaviour just a few weeks ago.

Pleased school is dealihg with this.
No harm asking when the boys will be allowed to play again. But politely, not "all guns blazing".

So if you have been drunk once. It would be be ok for me to label you a drunk?

I would avoid defining any young child by their behaviour, it really isn't helpful at all

The reports of the bullying are all from the bullied kid. No staff saw it happening or intervened until the kids mum said something.
so what does your son say? Does he admit he did it? You must believe he did as so you not also say the other child started it?* *

It would be acceptable for you to label me a “drinker”, yes. Someone who drinks alcohol is a “drinker” by definition. If I stopped drinking alcohol then I’d be a “former drinker”. Why does that concept offend you?

You’re right. The most “helpful” thing to do is to tell a child that bullying others doesn’t mean they’re a bully and to just carry on making other people miserable. Heaven forbid a child understand that the way they choose to behave impacts how people view them, it would be awful if bullying children ever thought that their actions had negative consequences for them and not just for other people.

I would speak to the teacher. I would ask how your ds can move forward in a positive way. Is there anything specific you need to work on with him ( other than not to bully, be kind etc that you are hopefully doing anyway) and have they noticed any seeds of friendship with anyone you can encourage as he’s feeling lost without his previous friends.

You are minimising serious bullying, the school are handling it well in keeping these boys apart, but I hope they are also finding positive ways to move them on rather than just the needed discipline.

No not a drinker. A drunk.
Once you got drunk therefore you are a drunk.

A negative label that stays with you.

That’s not what that word means though. If you change the meaning of words in order to (try and) make a point then obviously it’s offensive. Using the correct term isn’t offensive.

because it is damaging, particularly for children.

Labelling this child a "bully" at this age is likely to be a self fulfilling prophesy

Labelling a child a "hardworker" is setting them up for a load of pressure and expectation, with nowhere to go to improve

Labelling a child a "a good girl" for being friendly and compliant sets them up for a life time of being a door mat.

It is far more constructive to talk about the behaviour.

"What you did in this incidence was bullying" not "you are a bully"
"Well done, you worked really hard on that" not "you are a hard worker"
" I am proud of how kind and friendly you were to x individual today" not "you are friendly"

30 years in education, (including in youth prisons) 10 years foster carer

I have just as much experience as you do and I disagree. All you’ve pointed out is that calling him a bully is going to be more effective at conveying that it’s unacceptable.

Do you not understand that children have killed themselves over being bullied? It’s serious no matter their age/circumstances. It’s better to be stamped out now than when they’re older and the consequences are more dangerous.

I'd be delighted that the boys were being kept apart. During the 2/3 weeks, did your son play with some new kids? Did he get into trouble ?

You are massively underplaying what happened. Obviously I wasn't there but "You can't catch me" isn't necessarily a challenge to chase him. It could easily be a way of saying "I'm going so leave me alone" I think that you've fallen into the trap of thinking bullying victims and bullies are a certain way. Maybe the victims need to cry, beg the bullies to stop and so on?

It's unusual for schools to take this seriously imo. Stuff like this is often dismissed as banter or silliness when it can have a major effect on the self esteem.

Sometimes kids can be mean. Mine are great kids but have had their moments and they've probably learned plenty from their mistakes. Talking about bullying openly is a good thing. Even adults can't recognise it - I've read lots of posts on here asking if an OP is over sensitive or being abused?

Your son isn't destined to be a bad person because he messed up in this case but avoiding the other boys is a good idea. The pandemic has meant less unsupervised playground time but instead of blaming it and asking for the school to overlook the bullying isn't the answer. Kids need to learn and primary school is an appropriate time to learn that this kind of behaviour isn't ok. If he was the target, he'd want support from the adults around him.

But @throwawayname00 he does have another chance. He hasn't been excluded, he has another chance to make new friends and not bully again. Thus showing he he has changed and can be trusted.

You are wrong.

My dc was bullied aged 8, half their lifetime ago but still see the impact now.

I agree it might be useful to ask the school for a plan of how your ds can redeem himself but I would be pleased that he is being encouraged away from a less healthy friendship group.

Have you and ds wached the film Wonder? I think it deals really well with bullying. Watch it together and have a discussion with him.

What a compelling argument, I fully accept that I must be wrong because you say so. By the way, all the people on this thread saying how rare it is for schools to bother taking bullying seriously and complaining that staff care more about the bullies feelings that about protecting others from bullying - they’re talking about you!