WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

[throwawayname00]

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

but I do feel that at some point you have to let children move on from (and learn from) a negative incident.

Again you're minimising what happend. It wasn't a negative incident, it was a prolonged period of bullying.

And this is how bullies get away with it for years

And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO

Bullying is much worse and the school and teacher sound great.

YABU to consider going in “all guns blazing” when it’s your child that’s been the problem.

If the boot was on the other foot and your DS had been the victim, and he’d come back to school, only to find the same group of boys allowed to gang up on him again, you’d be singing a very different tune.

I do see where you’re coming from, they are kids, they have been punished and they need to be given the chance to demonstrate they can behave better, but 8 is plenty old enough to know and understand that bullying is wrong, so it was a conscious decision to bully, not an honest mistake. The moral of the story for your son here I’m afraid, is don’t bully, and if it sucks for him to learn that lesson then tough shit, being bullied sucks even more.

Were you ever bullied OP?
I was, but only very briefly when I lived temporarily with my Dad, while my Mum was ill. Literally just a matter of weeks. Similar age to your son. It was very low level bullying. No pushing or shoving, not even stealing my stuff. Just things like saying I couldn't sit at a table unless I knew everyone's name (on day 2!), and telling me it was PE when it wasn't, so I'd be worried because I didn't have my kit that day. Really minor stuff. But my powerlessness against this group of girls was devastating at the time, and I still remember it, more clearly than any other memory of primary school. And even now, nearly 50 years later, I still wish pain and misery on those girls, I really do. I think you are massively underestimating the significance of what your son and his friends did.

Wow, you really don't get it, do you? You're minimising what your son and his friends did. Clearly you have no idea what it is like to be bullied.

By all means go to the school. I hope they laugh in your face. Raise your son better.

Support the school
And teach your son to be a nicer person!

@throwawayname00 say nothing to the school. Your son is extremely lucky this is his only punishment. He seems to be working you like a puppet, telling you what you want to hear - namely that he isn’t really a bully, just misunderstood and that there are all kinds of reasons why it wasn’t his fault. The school need to shine light on these problems, you are embarrassed because your son’s embarrassing behaviour has been exposed. Focus on improving your son’s maturity and social skills and yes very strongly encourage other friendships. What does his dad think about this situation?

The reports of the bullying are all from the bullied kid. No staff saw it happening or intervened until the kids mum said something.
It took her over two weeks to report that he had been bitten.
so its all coming from the mouth of babes here.
However, when i questioned that they bullied kid had also done some of this behaviour, the kid was asked and we were told yes, he admits shouting you'll never catch me and then running off etc etc.

I feel like i'm doing a lot of defending here. I'm pleased the school stepped in and stopped bullying before it escalated into something more.
I'm pleased to support them in that.
In my OP i even refer to my kid as having bullied someone. thereby acknowledging it and accepting it.
I just wondered how far was too far when we're talking about such young minds.
I'm open to having my mind changed, and obviously i have more information and this is a learning curve for me too. I've never had to deal with this before.

And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

Two of my DC were horribly bullied in school to the point I had to switch schools more than once. The only time a school succeeded in stopping the bullying was when it was not kept a secret from the rest of the class. The bully wasn’t named and shamed as a “bully”, but the teacher did discuss that certain actions of theirs were wrong and other students were not to copy them. In that sense, they were called out in front of their peer group and I think it was very effective and an appropriate action on the part of the school.

I can understand why you feel that publicly calling them out shouldn’t have happened. There are arguments on both sides but your point of view is valid.

To the pp’s equating bullying with poor parenting - ANY child is capable of getting caught up in this kind of behaviour. What matters is how it’s handled.

I am 50 and was bullied at Primary age 9/10 and it still affects me.
Its good to see a school actually take bullying seriously.
I imagine your son being spoken about “publicly” was less upsetting for him than being bullied was for the other child.
The school knows more about the situation than you and don’t have a mothers rose tinted glasses on so let them deal with it

I think ‘bullying’ is absolutely the best word to use to define the actions your DS and his friends have taken.
You are trying to justify their behaviour by minimising it. What you shoul;d be saying to your DS is “You did an awful thing that has impacted on another child and as such there have been consequences. Until you can be trusted to not repeat these behaviours, you are better being kept away from each other”. Then let the school deal with it.

I personally would not want my DC to be a bully. I know for my DS hanging around with one other boy brings out the worst in him (not bullying just bad behaviour between the two of them) and I would be over the moon if the school seperated them. Surely this is the best thing for all the kids? I would support this.

However, when i questioned that they bullied kid had also done some of this behaviour, the kid was asked and we were told yes, he admits shouting you'll never catch me and then running off etc etc.

I don't understand how you think this is comparable? He's running away from a group of children who are stealing his things, throwing his lunch and biting him.

Speak to them privately, I am most unhappy about it being in front of everyone

the bullying wasn’t done in private and likely your son wouldn’t have done it on his own. All the bullies (and their parents) need to learn that their actions have consequences and they don’t get ti be afforded private conversations about their very public and disgraceful behaviour.

I hope this is a lesson your child won’t forget and will learn from. You’re not helping with your attitude in minimising it.

, he admits shouting you'll never catch me and then running off etc etc.

Wtf. This is either a perfectly normal thing for a child to shout during a game, or a simple statement from a child fleeing his bullies.

Sadly, I suspect that the reason you can't see this is because you were probably a bully on your own day and have passed these delightful victim blaming skills onto your child.

Own that your child is in the wrong. Stop minimising it.

Furthermore, even if the child did fight back in retaliation quite frankly sounds like your son deserved it. If he carries on this behaviour hell pick the wrong person when he is older and end up getting lamped or sacked.

I think bullying was too strong a word tbh, between these boys the other kids coat was hidden, his lunch box thrown across the hall, he was chased around the playground.
What is it then? High jinks? Boys being boys?
They sound like nasty little shits to me.
If my son had been part of this sort of thing I'd hang my head in shame and would certainly not be minimising the way you are doing on a public forum
Imagine you were at work and your work colleagues did similar to you? How would you feel?

I think bullying was too strong a word tbh, between these boys the other kids coat was hidden, his lunch box thrown across the hall, he was chased around the playground.

what would you then see as bullying op? The above is nothing but your dc not being allowed to keep 'playing' with the boys he does this with is awful and unfair?
Well done to this school!

@throwawayname00 ‘It took her over two weeks to report that he had been bitten. so its all coming from the mouth of babes here.’ Do you really think an eight year old has concocted an evil plan to take down your child and spent two weeks coming up with ‘he bit me’? You need to seriously wise up or you are in for a world of trouble with your son by the time he is a teenager.
And of course it’s all from ‘the mouths of babes’ they are all 8. Your son is also giving an account from the mouths of babes, who else would it be from? The Solicitor General?
You need to show your son you support the school and that the punishment is appropriate. Have you imposed any punishment at home?

I don't have to say direct to my child 'you are a bully' but more like 'a situation has happened thr school cannot get to the bottom of it so the group will not be playing with each other for a while'

Not exactly like that but my son knows I am not for or against the school or him

But I will support the school with also speaking to him to work out a plan

The running off saying ‘you’ll never catch me’ could easily be a child trying to deal with a group of bullies. Just because the other child wasn’t a passive victim that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a serious impact from the bullying.

The child may not have told his mum that he’d been bitten straight away?

If you haven’t had a conversation with the school to find out what happened/ how it’s being dealt with, that would be a reasonable thing to do.

To the pp’s equating bullying with poor parenting - ANY child is capable of getting caught up in this kind of behaviour. What matters is how it’s handled.

It's the ops minimising of it that marks her out as a terrible parent. It oozes through every pathetic defence of her child.

Ffs

Your child has bullied another child.
The bullies have been separated in school as they can't be trusted not to do it again.
You want to complain? About what?

Speak to your child. How are they showing the child they bullied that they are a reformed character? How are they showing the teacher that they treat all children with respect?

Good on the school for taking the issue seriously. Clearly, your ds and his friends were a bad influence on each other. Surely you would welcome them being separated from each other.