WIBU to get involved with schools disciplinary process?

[throwawayname00]

Long story short.
Last term in my DS8 and a bunch of boys in his class were involved in some bullying of another child. it was reported and dealt with by the school.

Parents were called, kids were talked to and for the rest of that school term the 'bullying' boys were not allowed to play together. I personally felt that was a bit OTT but went with it.

We've gone back to school this term and DS has come home saying he still isn't allowed to play with the other boys, they are all being kept apart during class times, lunch times and play times.
And this was announced to them all by the teacher in front of the whole class with her saying "XYZ, you still aren't allowed to play together because I still can't trust you"

I'm intending to speak to the teacher at pick up or maybe just email the school directly.
I feel this has been dragged from one term into another by the teacher, i feel they were spoken to by teachers, head teacher and parents. They were kept apart for 2/3 weeks last term and it could have been left there.
And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

I want to use this thread to check myself before I go in guns blazing.
WIBU to step in at this point?

If you read OPs subsequent posts if the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree it may be that it’s the father rather than OP that’s probably the issue

I'm confused about where I've said my son hasn't stopped?
There seems to be a lot on this thread where people are commenting about how I'm not dealing with it or how my son has done XYZ.
He absolutely has stopped, reparations were attempted (the mum refused to speak to any of the other mums - I for one immediately texted her upon finding out and asked that my DS apologise to her son and her face to face but she didn't reply so we wrote a letter which she handed back to the school unopened)

But the vast majority of replies on this thread seem to suggest that he hasn't stopped bullying or that I am egging him on and finding it all utterly hilarious.
I'm asking for advice as I'm on my own here, and this is a learning curve as i have not done this before.

I am very surprised that someone with any sort of experience in child development would be prepared to label a young child like this

My son was bullied through year 3 and 4. He has just been referred to the pathway for suspected ADHD. He has a very strong fight instinct, and when bullied would respond by either losing his temper and shouting, or trying to turn it into a game to protect himself. From the outside, without understanding the context, it would have looked like he was engaging or playing. I was in and out of school who minimised it saying he was playing along. It took a self harm attempt after I spotted bruises in the bath (over a week after the incident as he hadn't told me about it) before school took it seriously. Funnily enough, it took calling out the children in class in front of their peers to stop the behaviour.

The teacher said it, in your OP. The teacher said he can’t be trusted to not bully others so can’t be with the other bullies.

The mother is quite right not to engage with you in any way. This is being dealt with formally through the school

And calling them out like that in front of their peer group is awful IMO.

His peer group will already be well aware of the situation.

The only awful thing here was what your son and this gang did.

Shouting "you'll never catch me" and running off is not bullying. Its tag!

Hiding someone's coat or throwing their lunch across the hall, is bullying. At any age. Its malicious.

Id imagine the school are separating the bullies semi permanently to encourage new different friendships to form with a different (better) dynamic. Encourage your son to expand his friendships.

@throwawayname00 you handled the apology to the child and mum really well. Shame that the victims mum wouldn't take the apology. That's her mistake for sure

But don't encourage your son to be friends with these boys. That is a mistake from you. He needs to widen his friendship group, they clearly aren't a good influence to each other

(Oh and ignore the massive tangent on applying names on here. It's not actually helpful to you)

@MilkyYay it's totally not guaranteed to be tag and is easy to be something a bullied child would say to try and be brave and stand up for himself.

Good for the school. I hope my child’s school has a hardline stance on bullying when she goes.

School bullies did a huge amount of damage to me when I was young, they need dealing with when they start. It’s a shame for you that your kid is a bully, but great for his victim(s) that their school isn’t prepared to let him get on with it easily with his other unpleasant friends.

To be honest if you texted me I would politely tell you to stick with communicating through the school

I would not want to meet you and your child over this

Prayingandhoping agreed, but i wouldn't describe it as the bullied child joining in or "bullying back"!

I dont think this was "handling it well"

I dont think the OP should have approached the mother at all, it was attempting to get the situation resolved entirely on your own terms, and you don't get that privilege. The other mum could have accused you of harassment. Do not approach her again

I think its a good thing, these boys clearly egg each other on to do sillier and sillier things. Encourage other friendships. I've had to do this for my eldest, he's not bullied anyone but ends up in trouble when hanging around with a certain group.

I would be glad the school was dealing with my child like this. There has to be big consequences for bullying imo. It has a lasting effect on kids being bullied, it’s mean & unnecessary & needs to be dealt with harshly.

There is NO way I would address this with the school- I would also come down on my DD like a tonne of bricks if I found out she’d bullied another kid.

The mum doesn't owe you jack shit. Especially when it sounds like you didn't even apologise or are supporting the school.
You sound like a horrible person op.

Oh, and you need to have lots of discussions around 'good choices'. Its a good choice to hang around with other children as he isn't getting into trouble. He makes good choices by being kind etc.

Oh and as a child who was bullied, hearing apologies from bullies often doesn't help. The parents of bullies want it to happen to give their child "absolution", to wipe the slate clean, for the bullied child it can feel tokenist and diminishing, and it often leads the bullies resentful towards the bullied child so the situation never improves for them and they can be outcast.

Shouting you'll never catch me was 100% something my son did when being bullied. He didn't want to show weakness and tried to turn it into a game in order to belong. It came to a head one morning when we walked into the playground when there was a group of 8 kids waiting for him so they could 'tag' him, and every time he managed to tag one back, the entire group ganged up to get him back. It was very distressing to see and I had to pull him to one side and stop him from playing. Even the parents of the group were uncomfortable and stopped the game. Children want to belong, they don't want to stand out. He didn't understand it was bullying - just knew that it didn't feel right and wondered why he always had to be on. They told him repeatedly that it was because he was the slowest and weakest.

@Nimbostratus100

She did not approach her

She text her and apologised and asked to meet yes and was ignored

She then wrote a letter which was returned unopened.

How on earth is that harassment. She tried to apologise. She didn't turn up on the woman's door or hound her in the playground.

The fact you're finding this "utterly hilarious" is really not how you should be taking this situation.

Clearly the bullying has had a serious impact, and the school feeling keeping the boys separate is necesssary.

This reminds me of when my son was bullied at a similar age by a group of kids, always the excuses. 'The child dared him to bite him' sounds like rubbish kids come out with to try and pretend they didn't do anything wrong.

I wouldn't say anything to the school, and would encourage my kid to make new friends.

That is two approaches. Both inappropriate

I approached the mum because she was publicising the entire thing on the group WhatsApp. Every single aspect as the school was dealing with it was being relayed to the entire class of parents so i assumed she was open to being contacted. I think its fair to be clear that this was never mentioned on the group until it had been reported to the school. And personally i don't feel it should have been put on the group at all. but it was, so i contacted her directly.

Also, it wasn't as attempt as resolution. it was an attempt to give her and her son an apology and an attempt to have my child apologise to someone he had wronged. And ill hold my hands up, my DS sucks at apologising so it would have been a consequence for him in and of itself - caveat: it wouldn't have been the only one. I don't think that constitutes harassment.