AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Just say no.

I've only read the title and came to say - just say no

I’m sorry I didn’t really the whole thing but really, just say no.

You could not be less unreasonable.

Just nip it in the bud and say, ‘sorry, this holiday just isn’t doable for me - have a great time and really looking forward to hearing all about it when you’re back’.

I seriously would not be throwing any cash at it, but that’s up to you.

Sounds like they are using you as their transport and have done for years-I would refuse to go on that basis alone!

Fuck that. Just say no. If they don't go because you're not going then that's on them. Not your fault.

YA definitely NBU.

Don't contribute cash for their trip. Just give your own birthday gift, if you want to!

OMG no way would I be doing this. Say no!

Geez just politely back out. They won’t mind.

You really need to stick up for yourself here. And don't chip in for the Birthday girl if you don't go; why on earth would you?

Yes, say exactly that.

I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t read it all either lol. Got a bit carried away with my feelings. But I do feel better for getting it out there! Thank you for your reply 😊

There is literally no benefit in this for you.

You fork over wodges of cash, and you’re basically the help - driving them everywhere.

And they wonder why you don’t want to go?

Thats what my DH has said for a long time! I know he is right deep down, it’s just hard to admit sometimes!

Well I would buy her a present normally so I would give them the equivalent of what I would spend on a present to put towards the weekend instead if that makes sense? That way if they go out for a meal or do a activity, I would basically pay for the birthday girl to do it.

They hardly sound like good friends of yours. A good friend would be considerate of your needs, would be aware of your regular driving duties so would themselves initiate a rest from that duty once in a while Moreover a good friend doesn't like spending others hard earned money on themselves. And being precious about a 30th birthday is just being precious. Deffo say No.

Just say as much as I would love to come, I simply can't afford it

Hi, you lot go ahead with that weekend because I'm going to have to sit this one out. Catch up before you go, have a fab time x

Op just say "No, I can't afford it, you go ahead and I'll catch up next time".

Nobody can argue with finances. It also sounds like you feel these friends are using/ taking advantage of the fact you don't drink much.

Please please tell them to go fuck themselves (maybe don't use those exact words ) and don't go on this trip. It's way too much for a birthday celebration. Don't give them any money towards it, instead as you said use the money for a holiday with your DH and your baby.

Just say no, you can't afford it. Good friends would understand.

And then you could either treat the friend to a birthday meal separately, or make a contribution towards her birthday meal on their holiday (but make it very clear you're doing it).

YABU,to be making such a fuss about it. You don't want to or can't go, just say wont be going. Conversation over. What's all the shite about?

This is the best suggestion

Totally unnecessary!

Don’t offer cash - offer to take birthday girl out for a meal instead. You may as well get some benefit from the money.

Just say, sorry can’t make this one, catch up at the next one.