AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Bit blunt but get a back bone and just say No, not sure why you are continuing to negociate with them- Just say ' Sorry, I really cant come this time, will see meet up for drinks before or after trip though'.
You also do not need to send a contribution if they go and you don't.
Just buy your friend a nice gift and a few drinks when you do meet up.
Its that simple

Op I'd actually be loathed to chip in for birthday girls gift. I think I'd do a bottle of champagne or flowers, something just from you. That way it's completely in your control what you are spending.

This made me laugh, because honestly before I had my DC I absolutely would have told them to fuck themselves! 😂My DC has made me soft, I’ve lost my girl balls!

They're meant to be your friends - just be honest that you can't afford it.
Lots of us are having to economise, there's no shame in saying that.
Plus they take advantage of your good nature anyway !

1. Sounds like they need a lift and cash more than they want you.

1. Why are you considering their additional expenses when they are not considering yours?

I would just say I don't want to be away from my child for that long. You all say you want me there but have shot down any suggestion I've made to try and make it work for me. I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back, have an amazing time!!

Oh god, this sounds like a "let's split £500 bill equally between the 5 of us even if you have just had soup , salad and a water, because that fair" type of scenario. Absolutely not.

Thank you! I think I need people to be a bit brutal with me because you are right. Why am I negotiating?! I’m making myself feel like a burden when actually the burden is on them. If they want a lavish weekend away, they can do it, that’s nothing to do with me!

Thank you for all your replies so far! I won’t reply to them all individually as it will clog the thread but it really does mean alot to just get some backup! It’s made me feel like I’m not a complete cow for feeling the way I do.

That’s exactly what it’s like! I always have a fight at the end of a meal when they’ve drunk 3 bottles of wine and I’ve had 2 lemonades because I’m their taxi! If anything they should do at for my lemonade for being their driver lol

Say no. Tell them to stop putting pressure on you to do things you can't afford. Tell them they you feel they are not listening to you.yiud like to the part but not in expensive trips.

Whatever you do don't send cash towards the weekend. Do you think they will bd saying "how nice @simonsay paid for this"? At best they will accept it and not appreciate it.

Personally I'd distance myself from them. drop them before they drop you. They are not acting like friends.

Please please just say no.
I’ve had friends like this and whilst it’s awkward standing up for yourself initially, you’ll feel so much better after.

I had this when my best friend got married. I was chief bridesmaid, and one of the other girls didn't like the sound of what I was planning for the hen.

She took over a planned a £350 hen weekend, which I then could not afford to go on. I nearly lost my best friend over it. And she hated her hen weekend!

You're not being unreasonable. They are being selfish. Tell them that you hope they all have a wonderful time and that you look forward to seeing them for a drink when they get back.

Honestly, just tell them you're not going. If they get arsey about it, or decide not to go themselves, that's on them. You are not responsible for the chauffeuring around happiness of a bunch of grown ass women (who frankly sound like hard bloody work). You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

@simonsay Absolutely got this vibe. I think you can still be polite - you sound like you don't like to offend people - but still stick to your guns on the low on finances reason.

Just don’t go. You can dictate your conditions and stop them doing what they want.

cant dictate!

Oh OP - just say to them what you said right at the end of your first post.

‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’

If they argue with that or are funny with you they’re not great friends.

Ydnbu just say no x

What PP said. Just say youvd had a good think, and reallh can't afford it and you would have loved to come. I'd also do it sooner than later so they can start booking things, if you drag it out then it will annoy them. It also sounds like you don't really want to go anyway, so just get it over and done with and tell them so you can stop stressing about it

Definitely say no! And don't give cash for the birthday girl. You can buy her a separate present. If they want you to join so much, they can arrange something that you can afford to go to.

I did read the whole thing OP, and absolutely, you're being too soft. But you know this...

Be blunt and firm, "sorry girls, I just can't afford this. Let's meet for drinks/meal before or after and I'll see you all then."

Do not give them the cash for birthday girl's activities etc. That will get swallowed up by their contribution and somehow the fact that you sent money will be overlooked. It will be remembered as "Simonsay didn't come OR even get birthday girl a gift!" Get something nice for her 30th and give it to her when you meet for a meal.

if friends drop you because you can't afford something, they're not really friends at all....

When I'm in a bit of a quandary about what to do, I ask myself "on my deathbed will I regret more the time/effort in doing something I didn't want to do, or the repercussions of standing my ground?".

Sounds a bit twee, but it does tend to focus my mind.

In your case, would you regret more the distain of your "friends" or the time away from your family and money spent to act as a taxi driver?

The key message here is that whilst a train is too expensive for them, they have zero interest in what is too expensive for you (time/petrol/additional accommodation expenses).

To be fair, often there can come a hiatus in friendships when some have children and others don't.

Priorities change and it's often that until those former friends have children themselves that they begin to reevaluate their actions (even if they don't do so historically).

In your situation I'd buy a birthday gift but decline the holiday. Be gracious but not be a meal ticket.

You don't need to make an excuse. Simply say that due to family commitments (both time and money) you can't attend but hope everyone has a lovely time and you will be happy to buy a couple of bottles of fizz to help them celebrate and would like to FaceTime a "cheers" to the birthday girl.

If that's rebuffed - well you know where stand and frankly cut them loose without regret.

Don’t go and definitely don’t put money in - it will become an expectation for any future trips you don’t go on!

Op have they taken you on an expensive birthday weekend?

Like others have said just say NO. The fact that you have been making these suggestions and been overruled means it won't come out of the blue. Saying 'now we have a little one we can't afford it' is fine (not to mention the cost of living crisis) of course your priorities have changed. They sound very pushy. I cannot believe they insisted that you drive - I hope they paid for the fuel and yes you shouldn't have been buying their alcohol and they should have chipped in for your meal if you drove. Possibly should have been blunt with them to have nipped it in the bud