AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Like a PP I was about to say, if these are ex-colleagues, they are "reason" friends. I have a 4 year old and a part time job so my limited time and effort is going on DH, the odd current work thing with "reason" friends, fellow toddler mum "season" friends and my lifetime mates from school/uni. Sack them off. Someone will have to drive or they'll have to pay for transport.

I wouldn’t contribute to this if you’re not going as then you’d get abuse for not going on the trip and not even getting a present for her to make you look like the bad guy where as your contribution would be quietly forgotten

YANBU OP, times have changed, you have a toddler now. I bet you anything when you say no, I can’t come, can’t afford it etc, the plans will change, as they would have lost their driver. Of course they don’t care about a 4hr drive for you, they sound very selfish to me. Say no.

You did the right thing saying No, particularly as it sounds as if these trips are largely subsidised by you acting as unpaid taxi driver.

However I hate this undercurrent from some, that women are not allowed to go on expensive trips. I regularly go away with my friends and if someone can't afford it they don't come. We also go for meals out so there are other options here.

I'm not saying this trip isn't problematic- and the paying for the birthday girl is also a weird dynamic.

If they come back and try and persuade you , I'd say " Just realised I missed my birthday trip. A meal out for that would be lovely ".

Yes, they will. They are Cfers! They are not friends. You might have to rethink your relationship with them, if you don’t go. I know, it’s easy for us to say, but l wouldn’t go. You have different priorities and they are not taking it into account. You sound lovely, please don’t let them take advantage of you anymore. 💐💐

The famous Mumsnet ‘No is a complete sentence’. Nip this nonsense in the bud. If they can’t afford it without you being unpaid chauffeur then they can’t afford it either. Give the birthday girl a gift or the cash equivalent to spend on her trip with a smile and just let them get on with it. Pat yourself on the back for the experience of saying no to every other CF request you are presented with in future.

No, life moves on for most people. By 30 not everyone in your friendship group with have the money, will or time to spend on a specific short break.

At least your conversation last year laid the ground for the place you find yourself.

I wouldn't go myself. If friendships fail on that basis they really aren't friends. By your age friends you should be able to leave for ages, years even, and pick up where you last left off when you meet again.

Yes, this.

What I’ve done in past as driver when wanting to be fair on splitting fuel (this was mainly because my friends would try and overpay though) is fill up just as you are leaving so you know you have a full tank, then fill up,when you get back at same place and you’ll know exactly how much used on trip, do when everyone still in car. If you have to fill up in between whilst away you’d have to add that bit on

Say you can’t afford to go. If they have a problem with that, they are not your friends.

The birthdays sound like hen do type affairs I.e a one off type extravagance.

I work FT and would struggle to afford this. Im checking every financial transaction atm the the cost of living and cutting back. I'd have no problem saying that to friends. I'd back out and set an example by having a very simple birthday celebration myself.

You're hardly going to enjoy the weekend if you don't want to be in the first place, plus stressed about money and child care.

Don't go - and don't contribute to 'birthday girl's' costs of the weekend. You made your thoughts and position on the costly weekends away well in advance. You may be the first, but I'm sure that many of the groups' priorities and finances will change over the next few years.

Send a card. buy a gift or flowers - or even treat her to an inexpensive meal out to celebrate.

I walked away from similar situation. Eventually felt better about excluding myself from the expense and being available at their convenience. Now see the friendship group has fallen apart and when I bump into any of them I’m told about their moans about the others, I don’t join in. Just glad I became independent when I did. Definitely don’t contribute as it won’t be acknowledged, if you want treat the birthday girl to a lunch or whatever suits you. MN should have a separate topic heading for this you’d be surprised at how often it comes up!

I wouldn’t chip in either for their present, see the birthday girl for a lunch or coffee and give her a present you can afford (if you want to, a card is fine!)

Just say you can't go. It would be interesting to see if plans then change if you're not there to drive them.

She can’t have a simple birthday celebration her 30th has been and gone and they did nothing which makes it worse!

They're taking the piss, just say no! Friends would respect you can't afford this trip or plan something which includes you and where everyone can enjoy themselves.

Honestly it sounds nuts, I am in a similar big group of friends and there would always be different people at different events due to funds or prior commitments and that was totally fine with everyone.

If you have become the driver it may be time to take a step back and remind them you are not a chauffeur, I hope they have been paying for the petrol at least?

YANBU. We regrettably had to decline a family one recently as the travel to get there was £800 alone! Then there was food, accommodation and activities on top, we just couldn’t stretch to that. Be honest and it’ll be fine. I’m sure others will be feeling the same as you.

Didn't see that bit. In that case -- fuck them!

I'd agree with all of the advice about saying no. Keep you reasons simply and brief, that regretfully it's more than you can afford in the current economic climate. Be wary of them trying to buy you off by suggesting they might pay for some things to get you to go in any case. It's X's birthday, you can't possibly do that.

One bit of advice I received some time back: this event you've been invited to, imagine it's tomorrow, would you really be happy to go and would you be thinking, oh, I wish I wasn't going?

And don't offer them any money if you don't go! Having to buy your way out of a hostage situation like that is demeaning.

Just rip off the plaster.
"I cannot manage this trip, so you'd best look for something you would like to do with the reduced number. I hope you all have fun."
Rinse and repeat.
My and my friends (6 of us) do 1 weekend away per year for all our birthdays. Always by train, always in agreement. It's plenty!

It's already been said and I'll say it again, just say no! You have other priorities, don't want to do what's been suggested, need the money to be spent elsewhere, and are not their taxi service!

Have you sent the message that you're not going?

You need to get comfortable with saying 'No!' - otherwise you will be treated as a pushover / doormat for the rest of your life.

TBH - it sounds like they are using you as a taxi service.

What's the betting that now you've said 'No' that the celebration becomes a more local affair?!
If this happens - just keep saying 'No' - they are just using you.