AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

As I'm sure most will say, you can't afford it and that's all there is to it. I'd be hurt that they have continually pushed for an exorbitant amount to be spent when you've expressly and repeatedly told them no. I see this as thoughtless on their part, and don't be paying towards the birthday girls stay !!!!!!. Dc comes first.

Just decline. Believe me, you'll feel such relief.

That’s why we always have a separate booze bill for a big group of us otherwise the non drinkers get hammered. Or not but still have to pay!

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty!

You are being unreasonable to think this 😁

They're taking advantage of you as their driver and don't sound like real friends at all.

Buy birthday girl a gift, if you like, and don't contribute to a trip you aren't going on. 👍

Say no and under no circumstances do this. Get a birthday present separately.

Wow thank you so much! What a lovely reply.

There will come a point, in about 20 years, where you will probably be finding the cash flow easier, and if you're still friends with them, most of them will still be struggling with the cost of teenagers, and all this will be a fun and distant memory.

If you look at it all through a very long lens, you'll see that the sooner you get them told, and move on to the next part, finding out if they stick with you, the better.

The outcome might be painful, but the sooner you know, the sooner you can move on.

meh move on from this friendship=your kids and your dh are your priority now. Agreed they are using you for the lift and that's why they so insistent you come, not because of your great company. Sounds harsh but as the saying goes ''a fool and their money are invited everywhere.''

I know you aren't a fool and it's not money but more so that people always want you there when you can benefit them in some way. I'd end up seriously resenting the lift situation and I've being severely used before just for lifts so fuck that.

YANBU op, don't go and don't be bullied into it. If they are your friends they won't fall out with you over it.

oh wow! What a awful situation you’ve been in. I’m sure your best friend would have much rather you been there than not!

I’ve never understood this whole ‘let’s spend a fortune on every life event thing’. What happened to just keeping it simple and going home at the end of the night! I much prefer it!

I’ve had a similar situation - a best friend’s 40th birthday week in Asia when I was on maternity leave… I had to say ‘sorry it sounds amazing, it looks amazing and I’d love to go there with you but I just can’t afford the money or the time away from home. Let’s celebrate together when you’re back.’ She was a bit huffy but I have no regrets. This is what you need to do too. Real friends will accept it.
and don’t contribute anything to the weekend- she won’t appreciate it. Get her something from you individually.

Just say no, if they have a problem that is their issue

No they haven’t. My 30th was during the first lockdown so we couldn’t do anything at the time, but nothing has ever been made up to me since or even discussed. Last year I had a WhatsApp message on the main group (we have seperate ones for birthday plans so we don’t know what’s going on). It was a week before my birthday and it just said ‘what do you want to do for your birthday’.. I just said I had no idea, I hadn’t thought about it… I was quite hurt at the time as I presumed they had planned something for me, but they hadn’t. Still waiting for that for that actually.

To be honest, you have really added perspective to my feelings around this subject! Why am I worrying about this when they can’t even be bothered to book me a table at a restaurant for dinner?! I feel like a idiot now!!

I went through a period like this with friends hen dos. They would progressively get worse as the next would have to be bigger and better than the last. I'd advise reading "the life changing magic of not giving a fuck". It helps you stop spending time and money you don't have doing things you don't want to do.

this

So it’s going to cost £300 to do something you don’t want to do on days that are inconvenient for you, giving you days or weeks of annoyance and anxiety rather than eager anticipation?

You’ve answered your own question, really! Look after yourself, these get togethers shouldn’t be an expensive chore to get through. xx

You’re right! And I love your quote thanks for sharing. I’m not easily offended so I don’t mind people being harsh when needed!

I do resent the lift situation. Last time we went out for a local evening in the town where the non driver lives (20 mins from me), i said I was going to head home as they were absolutely wankered and wanted to stay out until the next morning. They also decided to leave at the same time and literally just got in my car. I actually said to them ‘what the hell are you lot doing in my car, bit rude of you to presume I will take you home’…but I did and end up driving all around the town in the opposite direction to my house dropping them off at home. I couldn’t forgive myself if anything happened to them as they were all completely wasted! But they know it, and that’s why they just get in the car without asking!

If they couldn't be bothered to do anything for your 31st having missed your 30th then it really is time to loosen the ties.
"Sorry Girls I can't afford it"
If they never even bought you a present then I maybe wouldn't even bother with a gift either. Card and wish her a good birthday

I bet they don't even give you a penny in petrol money?

yes a very similar situation. Ironically I was better off on maternity leave as I didn’t have nursery to pay for 😂…how does that work? Lol.

Ooo I will definitely read that! I lost alot of confidence after becoming a first time which I think was more to do with lockdown than being a parent, so I think I need something like this to get me back on track.

your situation with the hen do is exactly what the birthdays were like, to think it all started with going out for a meal and a couple of drinks and we are now spending £300 on a weekend away!

They do offer petrol money to be fair to them, but let’s face it, a 400 mile round trip is going to be 2 tanks of fuel in my car (it drinks it) and that’s £95 a pop so that will be £200 on top. I highly doubt they will be offering £50 each in petrol money!

Well I say they offer, only on the weekends away type trips, not the normal local/day trips

Sometimes it is wise to hold on to that feeling of being an idiot.

Admit it and not push it away.

Your husband is right, it is very convenient if you drive.

No apology necessary bar a "Can't join you, but have a great time".

No discussion or excuses, bar "It really doesn't suit me, but thanks".

No offer of fizz either.

They never bothered last year and now want to guilt you as you are the convenient driver?

10 years from now is it likely you will still be close to such a bunch of users?

Probably not.

Save yourself the angst.

You work part time with a child, of course you have other priorities.

Don't apologise, you have NOTHING to apologise for.

Op make some new friends for yourself. Do you work full-time or are you able to get to some midweek baby / toddler groups?
Those are great places to meet other mums. I've made a few good friends through kids easier when they are pre-school.

Aye I thought so.
The next time you go on a big trip with them, you fill up before you leave your home town, they fill up when you are away and again when you return.

So you end the trip in exactly the same position you started with a full tank.