AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Do not drive. Make up an excuse about the car or your health, if you have to. Make this a test case and see what happens.

Me again OP!

You're right they do clearly have a seperate group but that's ok because it makes it even clearer what horrible 'friends' they are.

I'm really glad to see how you have now backed out of this whole nonsense from them!
You sound lovely-
They've taken the piss out of you for years and I'm glad you won't allow it again.

Take care.x

Sorry wrong thread 😂😩

For the benefit of the posters who CBA to click on "see all" or read the OP's updates:
SHE ISN'T GOING

Update below

simonsay · 05/01/2023 18:21

UPDATE

I sent the message to say I wasn’t going and had a very quick reply which was odd since I’d been ignored for so long before….They are now going to book something closer for only 1 night to keep the costs down…..

It’s not right for people to assume that everyone else has the same amount of cash just to burn , just say you can’t afford it

You're better off without them!

I haven’t read all the thread. I’m older and in my experience social life changes on having kids. Good friends will understand this, others might fall by the wayside. It’s not possible to be all things to all people all the time and your family unit is so important.

Just say no. But don't send money for yeh birthday girl earlier, a normal
Gift will be fine!

Can you put it in terms they can understand? If I come with you then my family won't be able to eat for x weeks. I'd love to come but we don't want to starve.

YANBU! IMO social media has a lot to answer for these days. Everything has to be instaworthy and ott and I imagine that is why each of your friends want a massive to do. Whether it’s a birthday, hen do, gender reveal, baby shower! It’s got people going broke to look rich and I applaud you for saying no to this. We are in a cost of living crisis and I think it’s selfish to expect people to fork out for such things. I can guarantee if sm did not exist people wouldn’t do half the sh*t they do!

I hate bloody "surprise" parties, hen dos etc for adults. Just all have an adult conversation.

RampantIvy I think your post is unnecessarily rude.

OP - come back! Have you confirmed with them you're still not going even though they changed the plans?

The driving part alone would make me put my foot down! Do not go into a list of reasons and profuse apologies, they don’t deserve it. True friends would understand and wouldn’t be pushing this.
I would be sitting back and watching to see if they still go ahead without their driver 🤨
will they be doing this for everyone’s 30th? If all of you are similar age then it could be a very expensive year… sounds more like a hen party than a birthday party

OP Isn't Going.
She said, back on page 11,
When I then sent the message to say I wasn’t going, one replied within seconds to say the plans were going to have to change because of the cost. I wrote back and said I still wasn’t going and those were the only messages that have been put on the WhatsApp group since. It was only a reply from one person as well so the others have said nothing. They definitely have another WhatsApp group but I’m actually at the point I don’t care now. I’m done with them, so they can keep it!

Apologies, I have finally caught up with all of the 17 pages of posts.
I don’t think I can edit my first post so just posting again to say Well Done! It’s not easy to break trends and potentially break ties with ‘friends’ but it sounds like you are making the right choice and ultimately will be happier for it. When they all have children they might realise and come crawling back… or they might not and good riddance in that case.
you did say you had other friendship groups but I just thought I would mention Peanut App, I have found a lovely group of local mums that meet regularly for walks, coffee, nights out and play dates. There was a bit of trial and error but I am so glad to have found lovely women in my area. It might be a nice way to connect with local mums in your area, especially when you’re the first in your circle to have children.

You sound intimidated by your group of friends, afraid to upset them? If they are true friends they will empathise & respect your situation. If you cannot persuade them to resign in the expense then you must do what’s right for you & pull out of the trip altogether, however ‘awkward’ that may feel in the interim, in the long run you will be better off, as they will know not to push your boundaries in future. If you do persuade them to lower costs & decide to go, do NOT offer to drive!! Being a motorist/car owner/ light drinker does NOT equate to being a designated free taxi driver! So if you are asked to take on this role just give a firm, polite ‘No, I would rather not’ and leave it there.

I think perhaps you are a ‘people pleaser’ in your dealings with everyone in general? You must learn to assert yourself without worrying about upsetting others - as long as you are polite in any refusals you shouldn’t upset anyone, the only people who might get angry with you are the selfish ones, and if they choose to reject you as a ‘friend’ then they are not really your friends to begin with & you would be better off without them.
That said, I hope it’s just thoughtlessness on their parts & you can resolve this amicably. Instead of WhatsApp, pick up the phone and ring the main organiser to talk about it, sometimes a proper conversation can clear up a whole load of confusion as opposed to WhatsApp’s. Good luck in asserting yourself, and DO NOT give them money to spend if you don’t go - buy the birthday girl your own gift 🎁 instead.

How are you doing @simonsay are you pregnant again haha