AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Really sorry but i just cant come
No childcare for child, Husband cant get the time off and to be honest with bills rising i really cant afford it
Hope you all have a great time

Done

(Do not send them any money, unless you are actually crazy)

Don't go and don't give them a penny! Buy her a nice present and that's it. You would be crazy to contribute to the holiday. It sounds as though you've done enough for them.

Good luck with standing up for yourself op!

Please do this & don’t make yourself miserable by fretting over it .

Agreed. Your contribution get swallowed up and forgotten, especially as birthday woman is being paid for.

Did she send you a gift for your 30th in covid times? If not, no need to give her a present. A card and chocs at most.

Just tell the truth! It's too expensive and inconvenient in terms of childcare.

Why would you send them any cash?

Buy the girl a birthday present, like most normal adults. Whats with all the fanfare and trips away anyway? Completely unnecessary.

The cost of a weekend trip needs to work for those on the tightest budgets. Give them your financial limit and available dates, then back out before they book if their suggestions don’t meet your criteria. It’s quite straight forward. Then either they find inclusive holidays and you go or they don’t find affordable breaks and you don’t go.

can you start looking for destinations and making accommodation recommendations? Involve yourself in the organising and research stage

also state your prepared to drive 5 hours total, which is 2.5 each way as otherwise it’s too much for you and someone else will need to borrow a car to drive

Sod that for game of soldiers. Even if the cost wasn't an issue I can guarantee it wont be much fun.
I blame it on celebrity culture

Don't go and I think you'll find that more people will decline once you have. It just takes one person to start the process before the rest follows.

Now is a good opportunity for you to highlight the unaffordability of the celebrations by declining. It is not very inclusive of the group to celebrate like this because not everyone can join in because of cost.

If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

They sound like a bunch of arseholes, to be honest.

I think it's always difficult when you're the first/only one in a friendship group to have children. Your priorities change and it's hard for others to get that.

If they can't accommodate you, didn't make any effort for your own 30th and expect you to be a free taxi that all speaks volumes about how they view you.

If you do go with them, absolutely factor in your petrol costs. When I go away with friends usually one books the accommodation, one does the food shop, another books the activities, one does the driving - we add up ALL the costs and split them equally. Why are your petrol costs not equal to the others?

If you don't go, then fair enough get the birthday girl a gift (equivalent to what she spent on your 30th) but do NOT - under any circumstances - send them cash! Why would you?

Ive just read this whole thread - these people are not true friends, they are takers.

I hope you did send the message to say go ahead and book whatever you want that you can't make it. Keep saying this until they get it. Don't be drawn in to any discussion and don't allow them to emotionally black mail you into anything.

If they can't be arsed to do something nice for your 2 birthdays! Then no way would I be forking out £££ for them, never mind being a free taxi service.

NO!

Your last paragraph - just say that. Sorry but they will have to understand, there’s a cost of living crisis and people can’t afford multiple birthday holidays. I only do big bday holidays, one holiday for friend and I between our bdays. That’s plenty, we could afford every year but we have families and it’s hard finding the time

Unfortunately I agree with PPs. They’re users and you’re their taxi. It’s also not on that you’ve repeatedly said you can’t go and they’re insisting you do. A 400 mile drive? They’re taking the piss massively.

Don’t be wishy washy about it with “I don’t think I can make it” or “I don’t think I can afford it”. That just gives them wriggle room. Simply say no, I won’t be going as I can’t afford it. Then repeat and repeat.

And DO NOT offer to or send a financial contribution! That’s your guilt talking. There is no need for it. Buy her a card and a present like normal and that’s it.

Well done! They are users, so it's best to stop that dynamic. You can always join them but make it on your terms.

Just say no, you can't make it.

If pushed you could say that you thought you'd reduced it to one a year, it's more expensive than the last one, too far, childcare. And then add that you are not prepared to be the driver, (even if you do go) and that driving must be shared.

This. Fact is you can’t afford it. The friendship dynamic is another issue entirely

Absolutely say NO there’s so many reasons not to go as you have stated! Don’t feel bad about it either

Politely decline.

I am in total agreement with your reasons. I'd support you saying no if you were a millionaire.

Every birthday unless the clocks go back or forward is 24 hours- the expression 'big birthday' should be consigned to history.

Face up to it this time and say no. The sooner the better.
And I wouldn't chip in with money either, just buy a birthday gift.

I have got so much better at saying no to these ridiculous requests now.

If they can't understand how difficult it will be for you to attend op even though you have tried explaining then they are being really unfair.

It is fine for you to not go.

I'd say no because you now have a small child, and cannot afford to go away. Buy her a nice present though. You have to learn to be strong and put your child first, when it comes to finances. It's nice to be asked, but you don't have to accept invitations. Life has changed for you, don't feel bad.

If they reply and make you feel bad, remember to re-read this thread and listen to your husband!

Glad you’re standing up to them OP. Stay strong