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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

419 replies

simonsay · 04/01/2023 23:48

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

  1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.
  1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.
  1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.
  1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.
  1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

OP posts:
winterpastasalad · 07/01/2023 09:31

We have become so incredibly self absorbed and think that everything has to be a big milestone that everyone wants to give up their weekends and huge amounts of money for.

pinkfondu · 07/01/2023 09:33

If you decide to go away with them again I suggest a driving Rita for trips!

T1Dmama · 07/01/2023 09:35

Same. When my friend and I took our kids to wales (5 hour drive) I filled my car up with fuel on the way and she put some in it on the way back. Never would I just fork out for all the fuel. I’d say beforehand ‘right fuel is going to cost £50 each. So take £200 off my hotel cost and you can each pay that as your contribution. Suddenly the train or staying local will appeal more.
mum glad OP has said no…. Must be a huge weight off her shoulders !!
Also OP thinks she maybe pregnant again… I hope so and wish her all the best x

T1Dmama · 07/01/2023 09:38

She’s explained further up that one drinks and drives and others don’t have big enough cars etc

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/01/2023 09:42

You said you genuinely enjoy their company. I think it would be a good idea to consider this group as good company rather than friends. It makes a huge difference to your expectations and the weight you give considerations.

angela99999 · 07/01/2023 10:01

Just say no. You can't really afford it, don't want to leave your family and don't want to drive for 8 hours. If they don't want to go that's up to them, but no reason why you should go if you don't want to.

masterblaster · 07/01/2023 10:08

You only need to say “sorry, I can’t afford it, have a great time”. I have a walking holiday every year and though some could afford more it is always kept affordable because some can’t. Friends don’t make friends spend money they can’t afford, or are ok with them politely declining.

RampantIvy · 07/01/2023 10:17

Hasn't anyone bothered to read the OP's updates?

Miisty · 07/01/2023 10:22

Also you are using 8hours of petrol not cheap and wear and tear if car Just send them some money and say no your life has changed and save the money for a family break

sevensocks · 07/01/2023 10:46

converseandjeans · 06/01/2023 22:40

@Morph22010

I was also wondering if the group bought OP a gift for her 30th. It's relevant after all this pressure.

In lockdown lots of companies were still sending out stuff.

OP has said they did not do anything for her birthday.

KTheGrey · 07/01/2023 11:13

The Other WhatsApp is a bit of a giveaway.

Morph22010 · 07/01/2023 11:38

sevensocks · 07/01/2023 10:46

OP has said they did not do anything for her birthday.

Show quote history

She said they did not do anything which I take you mean they didn’t do anything as in go out for meal, go on trip etc, i was wondering if they actually at least bought her a present though

threatmatrix · 07/01/2023 11:47

Say you’ve just had your license suspended and see how they react.

Louise2732 · 07/01/2023 11:58

I was like this for so long with a group of girls from school so way back now. Always forking out to the point i went on a hen to portugal pregnant. Tbf ended up being a lovely break but not the point i put myself out for people constantly. I had my son and about 9 months in there was another wedding an hen to pay for. I literally just took myself out the group and said i wont be going anywere unless i can afford it now girls sorry and left. I instantly felt like a weight was lifted. You need to put yourself 1st and your family.

whynotwhatknot · 07/01/2023 12:33

i know youve already said no but they sound like users

dont feel like driving? well tough innit everyone should take turns or not go as far and drive themselves there

do you only see them now on these extrvagant trips op?

Taytocrisps · 07/01/2023 12:36

When a group of friends is organizing an event or holiday, they need to consider the requirements of all of its members to ensure (as far as is reasonably possible) that everyone can go. You've made some very reasonable suggestions i.e. one event to celebrate all of the birthdays and to keep the cost below a certain level. Both of those suggestions have been ignored. So just bow out. A simple message along the lines of, "Sorry, the dates don't suit me and the cost of the trip is working out quite expensive, so I won't be joining you. Hope you have a good time anyway". If they're decent friends, they'll re-consider and come up with something that works for everyone. If they're not decent friends, I guess they'll go ahead anyway. There's no need for you to make a contribution to the birthday girl's expenses when you're not going yourself.

Tahlbias · 07/01/2023 12:44

Yanbu You have responsibilities and you need to put that first. If they were true friends, then they would understand. It's true that you only realise who your true friends are when you have children. Good luck!

LookItsMeAgain · 07/01/2023 12:54

I do hope they realise just how foolish they have been to be taking your kindness to drive and save them on transport costs all these times.

I would have to use one of these gatherings to make them more aware of how much they are taking me for granted. By that I mean if they are arranging a celebration for someone and it's within a train ride, say nothing to them but when it gets closer to the event say that you're tired of doing all of the driving and you've decided to take the train instead and you're going to enjoy having a drink on the way. See what they say.

I'm not sure if you're teetotal of not but this might be a way to gauge where you are with this particular group of friends. If you withdraw one of the things they have relied on you for, whether they would get uppity about it or go with the flow.

I'd also like to know if they got you a gift for your 30th (which was in lockdown) and a separate one on the birth of your baby. Both are milestones in their own right and if, as you say, they celebrate the milestones, both should have been noted and celebrated separately, and if no celebration was possible, they should play catch-up on them before too long has gone.

Blarney72 · 07/01/2023 13:17

Exactly this and give birthday present direct.

PepperRed · 07/01/2023 13:30

Congratulations on birth of your first child. You sound lovely and so does your husband. Given all that you wrote, I believe you already knew what to do and how things stood so do not be hard on yourself. Just do what suits you in future

petmad · 07/01/2023 13:33

Just say no

BigDaddio · 07/01/2023 16:43

Exactly this !

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2023 17:01

You’re better off without this group, their loss 100% (and not just because of the lifts)! If the birthday girl has a little baby, does she even want to go 4 hours away? They sound mental.

ImBlueDab · 07/01/2023 17:44

Remove yourself from the group and concentrate on your friends who appreciate you

Grrrrdarling · 07/01/2023 18:08

simonsay · 04/01/2023 23:48

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

  1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.
  1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.
  1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.
  1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.
  1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Just say no. Your life is no-longer one where you can afford to do this sort of thing & you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. Lives change & so do financial circumstances so if they are any sort of friends they will understand.

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