AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Sounds dramatic, but your response made me cry (in a good way). I’m a bit emotional at the minute (wondering if I might be pregnant with number 2) but you are completely right! I don’t have to make excuses, I don’t have to apologise! If anything they should apologise to me for not even bothering to reciprocate the effort I have made over the years to celebrate with them!

Oh Lord God Op just say no - you're essentially paying to be the hired help here. They're not friends - because if they were they would have listened to your concern re:cost, location and actually just realised for themselves that you wind up doing the driving. No matter how many years I've survived on earth would I ever, ever be comfortable putting someone in this position for a jolly for a fucking adult birthday.

And for godsake don't throw any money at this - you're not even going and it already sounds like they've taken far too much of your grace for granted. Say no. Back away slowly. Ghost them. You're better than this.

I do resent the lift situation. Last time we went out for a local evening in the town where the non driver lives (20 mins from me), i said I was going to head home as they were absolutely wankered and wanted to stay out until the next morning. They also decided to leave at the same time and literally just got in my car. I actually said to them ‘what the hell are you lot doing in my car, bit rude of you to presume I will take you home’…but I did and end up driving all around the town in the opposite direction to my house dropping them off at home. I couldn’t forgive myself if anything happened to them as they were all completely wasted! But they know it, and that’s why they just get in the car without asking

yep had this too many times with friends and colleagues. People just totally taking the piss. 1 night I went out to a staff night out, wasn't drinking. Leaving a colleague who was a mate said can he get a lift to station I was passing, he then lied and said he lived just down the motorway. I got tricked into it and ended up doing a 2 hour round trip nearly.

Taught me the hard way though to be blunt as no good deed goes unpunished as the more you try to help people the more they take advantage and you got to make excuses. As my mum says ''be nice but look out for number 1.''

Good suggestion.

The just sitting in your car is shocking.

Definitely focus on your boundaries.

I agree a simple "can't afford it", on a loop.

You sound too nice.

Nip it in the bud now are you could end up being used by mummy friends for childcare etc.

Boundaries and general assertiveness is a great life skill to learn and model to your children.

Say no, and I would buy a present not send cash

OP if no one has replied to your "I can't make this date" message

"Hey everyone on second thought go ahead and book on those dates without me. Unfortunately I don't think I can realistically afford to go. Happy to do something separate locally to celebrate X birthday though."

Just send it and lift that weight off your shoulders

Oh I do have other friends. Probably should have explained that in the OP. This group are ex work colleagues I’ve kept in touch with. I have my absolute best friends who I’ve known since school (they don’t cost me a penny) and I have current work colleagues and a couple of mums from toddler groups too. So to be honest if they did stop speaking to me over this I still have a nice support network of people. It’s just frustrating because I actually really enjoy their company, it’s just a shame it has to cost me so much everytime I see them. They are unfortunately just a group of people that will never be satisfied with just a meal, it has to be a meal and drinks. Or if we go to each other houses for a evening, it’s never let’s get a pizza and have a few slices each, it’s a £100 Chinese takeaway and 4 bottles of wine. Everything is too excess and I’m just not like that. I’m a simple person to be honest, I can enjoy myself without having to spend a lot of money, they don’t seem to be able to. I wish we still worked together to be honest, would be much easier, I would see them on the 3 days I am in and then I wouldn’t need to meet up outside of work lol

Agree with PP just draw a line right now and message them with the hard no. It will be a weight lifted.

magic of not giving a f** is available as a TED talk and it’s wonderful.

Oh christ no! No way I’d be used for childcare. I love my own DC but can’t stand other peoples! That I really would put my foot down on 😆.

Send @LazyLara's tect and be done with it.

Trying to keep up with people is not a good idea.

If you are planning more children, you have other things to spend money on, not other peoples lifestyle.

They weren't so wasted not to use you for a lift home🙄....remember that.

Well thank god for that!😁

Op draw a line under it. They might be fun but they are using you. It's likely they'll drift apart too when others start having kids.

I’m sending that! Thank you, I’ve been trying to word something for the last 30 mins, and as you could probably tell from my OP I do like to over explain the situation! Yours is exactly what I need, short, direct and polite! I’ll let you know what happens.

These people are not your friends. Don’t invest any more time or money in these relationships which clearly don’t serve you in any way.They have so little respect for you they waste your time driving them home and ignore you talking openly about your situation. You’re driving them round the houses and to Timbuktu and they can’t even book a table or give you a special lockdown 30th party on Zoom???

You don’t owe them an explanation either, just say “this doesn’t work for me, hope you have a great time”. It’s not unreasonable and explaining just encourages negotiation.

I declined a hen do recently and it was so liberating! I’ve had enough of spending loads of money on holidays with people I don’t really like doing activities I probably wouldn’t choose myself. You could have a lovely holiday with your DH and LO for £300 which would be much nicer than being the Cinderella to their ugly sisters routine!!

Yanbu.

You should say you are not driving when the next invitation comes.

I just wanted to say thank you to every single person who has replied to me so far! I’ve looked at mumsnet threads for years, and was really nervous about posting this as normally the threads I look at are littered with nasty people with no constructive feedback, they just like to insult.

You’ve all given me so much perspective and have backed me up even though you are complete strangers. Im feeling more confident with every comment I read knowing that I’m not going mad for feeling this way. I really appreciate it!

Genuine, good friends are understanding of each other's varying circumstances. They don't get huffy like silly little girls. I'm glad yo hear you're going to say no and stick to it.

Give your "normal" present. I'm usually in favour of experiences over things but in this case she won't remember your association with the experience because you weren't there. As for the rest of the proposal: no, nope, noperoni nooooo! Like pp said tell them " have a great time look forward to hearing about it on your return". Bet they don't go once the free ride is off the table!

I've just written on another thread about how I've spent quite a big chunk of my life tagging along to social events that I don't like, or making up excuses, because I was afraid of offending people. But in recent years I've finally learned to just say "No thanks" and realised that I have as much right to make my own decisions as anyone else. I don't owe the world excuses and explanations for everything I do.
True friends actually don't get offended by "No thanks, I don't fancy that" or "Sorry, too expensive" because they respect my autonomy. It's a cliche, but "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter" is usually true.
You are entitled to make your own decision, and to share as much or as little about the reasons as you like. You are not however responsible for the rest of the group. You're not stopping them going. If it makes it more expensive/difficult for them then they either deal with that or change the plan. It's not your job to facilitate their weekend away, or your responsibility to put yourself under financial pressure to save them from the same problem! Nobody likes to lose friends, but honestly, from what you've said, if they fall out with you over this they probably aren't that genuine and you might actually find it quite liberating to be free of their expectations.

Look it’s simple even if the money was not a problem, why would you want to go? I wouldn’t, I could afford the money and will happily treat friends but I’m not a mug to be taken advantage of. They won’t go to the planned place unless you are daft enough to drive them there so that they can save on train fare. It costs you personally more money than everyone else ( possible childcare, petrol costs - cause it sounds like they make a contribution rather than splitting the actual cost, subsidising their drinking cause you can’t drink just because you have to do the driving) you’re missing family time and they didn’t even bother for your birthday! Save yourself from an endless parade of “big “ birthday celebrations and stick with doing things with your nice friends who don’t treat you like a convenient doormat.

If they keep pressuring you after that, just say “Look, I didn’t want to get into this in a WhatsApp message, but I think I’m pregnant again and my car’s knackered. Trying to work out how to get that fixed and afford childcare for two atm. Not really up for celebrating right now. Thanks for adding extra pressure.”

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

That's because you are being too kind! Could you reframe it as going away for the weekend means you can't go away with your husband and toddler?

To be honest, I thought it was unfair that they hadn't realised your changed financial situation or organised you a post-Covid birthday celebration. Then I read about you providing a taxi service and paying more towards meals out and I got very angry on your behalf!

You didn't mention this in your post but are you the first person in the group to have a baby. If that's true, they will belatedly realise your situation when they have children of their own. It shouldn't be this way of course because they already know you are working part time. They could also recognise that you are always the designated driver.

Good luck with sending the text suggested upthread.

I wouldn't make excuses about being pregnant etc. Be straight.

I can't afford it, I don't want to be everyone's taxi, no one bothered to organise anything for my birthday. I'm out.

This is bloody ridiculous. Just message the lot of them now and tell them you have decided not to go. You don’t even have to justify it by telling them about your finances. Just say it won’t work for you this time so you are saying now that you won’t go. As for a present for your friend - spend a sensible amount. No more than about £40. You can’t afford grand gestures, nor should it be expected of you. Give your head a wobble 😉

You are young. You are in the process of transitioning from child free to a parent with a mortgage and all the financial and time commitments that involves.

you need to accept that puts you in a different place to your friends atm and make appropriate boundaries.

Accept that they just don't get it. Why would they? Their lives are in different places. Don't expect them to understand. Five years ago you might have been as unaware as they are.

Be upfront. Tell them straight out -it's not doable for me. I don't have the money or the childcare. I hope you all have a great time. Send me loads of photos.

Don't give them cash for the weekend - you aren't their mum or their sugar daddy. You don't need to subsidise them. If you like them and enjoy their company offer to host an afternoon tea a few weeks after the do to hear all about it and see the photos. That won't be expensive and will keep you part of the group. If that seems like too much hassle or you feel it won't be appreciated it tells you a lot you need to know about your connection with them.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime - which are they?