MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

[SlashBeef]

Yanbu! She's a little baby! Breastfeed as long as you want to and stand firm on the sleepovers until you're comfortable. She shouldn't even be in a separate bedroom now anyway so it's a moot point. Just tell her that.

[Neodymium]

She is nuts.

I am super close to my mum and my kids didn’t have sleepovers with her until closer to 2. They were all breastfed too.

i had a friend once who thought that breastfeeding was selfish and prevented fathers/others from bonding with the children.

[LolaSmiles]

YANBU

Do what you and DH feel is right for your daughter. She's a real baby and person in her own right, not a living doll to be passed around because MIL wants a turn with the new toy.

[Kevinyoutwat]

Fucking hell.

You know, you never “have” to let your child sleep over there, right? And she can get to fuck with the breastfeeding comment.

Is she controlling in other ways or is this the first time it’s come out?

[Highlyflavouredgravy]

I normally try to see the MIL side of things but this is batshit!
I didn't leave mine until he was 2 and that was a one off one night and i worried the whole time!
Your baby is not a doll.

[MissMarplesbag]

Ask your mil how old your dh was when she sent him over for a sleepover at his grandma's, her mil, house.

[Pearsandclocks]

Nope not unreasonable at all. She’s far too young to be without you 2 nights per week when it’s not necessary. If you had to do it for work purposes then of course that’s different.

She doesn’t sound very nice to be honest! I mean what woman tells his son he must not let his wife do something 🙄

My teenage children have a great relationship with my parents but they’ve never stayed the night. They’ve never wanted to.

[LookItsMeAgain]

She's nuts.

You need to be 100% sure that your DH didn't sow any seeds in her mind to give her the impression that this was ever on the cards.

They you both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and any further questions about it get stopped before they get started.

Lovely that she did this, but not likely to ever be used.

I never did sleep overs with my kids and most definitely not before the kids were 3-4yrs old at the earliest.

[Ginandtoner]

What did your dh say in response to this ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’
That is an absolutely batshit thing for someone to say about someone else’s child

[BarbourandWellies]

She’s being way OTT. I mean, it’s nice I guess that she loves your daughter so much and that she’s gone to so much effort for her but she needs to respect you as DDs parent! She’s only four months fgs. Realistically your husband needs to shut this down and present a united front which, admittedly, he seems to be doing a gentle version of, but if she doesn’t stop, he needs to be much firmer.
For comparison, I’m aware my MIL would love to have sleepovers with my son but I’m not keen and she’s never pushed it, and she’s certainly not gone over my head and started haranguing my husband!! My sons a lot older too, 14 months.

[2Rebecca]

Sleepovers are for children's benefit (unless the parents need a break) They aren't for the benefit of the host. Under 1 year they are unlikely to help the child and may be harmful. A baby doesn't care what colour the walls are so the fact that she's decorated is irrelevant.

[Merlott]

Jesus H Christ. MIL is batshit and you are being far too nice. Bending over backwards to try and make her behaviour reasonable. No. Batshit!! 100% insane.

My DC did their first grandparent sleepover at 4. That was fine.

A baby does not need sleepovers ffs it's a baby not a dolly for grandma to play with.

[Lentil63]

your mother in law needs putting in her place!

[StarsSand]

What a piece of work she is.

She wants your daughter to wean before you're ready so she can play dollies with her.

Tell her no. She needs to calm down.

I don't understand this obsession with sleepovers. Tiny babies should be with their mothers- you are her world right now. It's not her job to entertain bored granny in the unicorn room.

[Ducky88]

Hope your DH responded appropriately to the breastfeeding comment! I’d be feeding for as long as possible (or at least say I was just to wind her up 😂).

I have a 5.5 and almost 3 year old, they have never had a sleepover with grandparents. I’ve just never found the need to and they both live 3 hours away. MIL brings it up regularly but my kids don’t have a close relationship with her so they wouldn’t want to anyway.

[Squidlydoo]

I read this and had to double take it said 4 months and not 4 years!!

4 months is much too soon… it’s definitely not you being unreasonable.

Please Don't let her (or your husband) put you under pressure to either stop breastfeeding or start sleepovers until you’re ready!

once or twice a week?? 🤣🤣 I’m gobsmacked

[Cleane]

I seen this line and thought I was going to agree with MIL...

not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in

The more I read the more batshit it got! She would be getting told to fuck right off!

[Anotheryearsameshitshow]

Your mil has no right to be making plans for your dc. And it would be a no from me until dd is at school.. She is telling your dh her needs to have dd are more important than dd's needs to be bf.. Bonkers. Bonkers.
And hopefully dd will bloody hate unicorns.

[FoxtrotSkarloey]

She's batshit in her approach but don't burn your bridges. In eight months time, if you end up with a non-sleeper like mine, you'll be delighted to have anyone who will have her overnight and give you some respite.

[EsmeeMerlin]

No she is too young, my eldest Ds started sleepovers just before his 3rd birthday. A 4 month old breastfed baby can't sleepover. Stick firmly but kindly to your guns.

[Parkopedia]

She is absolutely nuts!!!

I see so many posts on here about family wanting to have small babies overnight. I just don't get it. Overnight is literally the worst time to have a small baby! Especially when at night they just need and want their mum to comfort them. What planet are they on!

Stick to your guns and breastfeed as long as you want. Ideally get your husband to get her to back off a bit

[MoggyP]

1. it is useful to teach your baby to drink from a bottle, so that she can be left (either in an emergency - such as your being ill or having an accident - or so you can leave her when you want to)
   
   
2. they want to help, and your baby won't always be tiny - there will come a time when having helpful and competent GPs on hand could be very useful. They become competent by good communication with you and DH, and by spending time with sole charge of DC
   
   
3. straight to overnight is a bit much - but what about a couple of hours here and there?
   
   My guess is that they are worried that you mean never. And perhaps need some reassurance that that's not the case.
   
   I think there are risks in stonewalling them, and benefits in improving communication. You need to stop damning her for "carrying on like this" and planning to punish her by withholding sleepovers and babysitting all together.

[Thereisnolight]

I thought you said 4 years at first and thought YABU.
4 months and still being breastfed - of course YANBU.

[MollyPocket]

@Kevinyoutwat

Fucking hell.

You know, you never “have” to let your child sleep over there, right? And she can get to fuck with the breastfeeding comment.

Is she controlling in other ways or is this the first time it’s come out?

Yes she can be controlling and manipulative but since having DD it’s gone up a notch. She always worries she’s missing out etc and pushes lots of unwanted advice onto me.

She’s been very critical about the whole co sleeping thing - and now I know why!

[Thereisnolight]

@MoggyP

1. it is useful to teach your baby to drink from a bottle, so that she can be left (either in an emergency - such as your being ill or having an accident - or so you can leave her when you want to)
   
   
2. they want to help, and your baby won't always be tiny - there will come a time when having helpful and competent GPs on hand could be very useful. They become competent by good communication with you and DH, and by spending time with sole charge of DC
   
   
3. straight to overnight is a bit much - but what about a couple of hours here and there?
   
   My guess is that they are worried that you mean never. And perhaps need some reassurance that that's not the case.
   
   I think there are risks in stonewalling them, and benefits in improving communication. You need to stop damning her for "carrying on like this" and planning to punish her by withholding sleepovers and babysitting all together.

But there is food for thought here too.