MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

What do you call a sleepover? I go to my mums with the children and we stay over together ( I separate rooms) but at the age of 10 and 8 they’ve never slept there alone. My husband and I never had a night together without chn since having children. It’s just a sacrifice we’ve made in order to have children.

is there any way you and your husband could stay at your parents in law with the children ?

Yes, I did notice that too! but the breastfeeding comments needed more attention ;)

margegunderson · 05/01/2023 00:51
Is nobody going to raise the point of the ghastly decor? Why do people think girls have to be surrounded by bloody pink and unicorns??
And the rest of it is mad as well.

What’s wrong with pink? If it was painted any other colour it’d be ok but not pink? If she had been born with a penis then pink would be ok but no pink for anyone with a vagina? My eldest is pink and unicorn mad, she’s 14, my youngest daughter is the complete opposite. At 4 months old you can’t possibly know her personality yet, so it’s grandma who has chosen the decor. It can always be changed in a few years if she turns out to not like pink and unicorns. But there’s nothing wrong with a child or an adult, male or female, liking pink and unicorns. Bit sad that people are so desperate to be edgy and woke that they’d force their daughter to have a different colour to what she actually wants and likes.

There are far more pressing issues with this situation than the colour of the paint on the walls 👏

I do think MILs get a hard time on here, but im in agreement, on this post, its too soon, my grandson is 15months i look after him weekly while they are at work, but they insist at their house rather than mine, which i agree with, cupboards have locks his toys are there hes familiar with his own room for naps ect.
They informed me yesterday that they have now bought a travel cot for when he comes to stay with me, im SO excited, the time is right.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as your baby is very young, breastfed and not "sleeping through". Also, it's not good for grandparents to try to set the agenda for a grandchild's routine - obv needs to be at child's developmental pace and in accordance with wishes of parents. The only thing I would say is that imo both sets of grandparents should be treated relatively equally if possible (although obv not if one set are being unreasonable). I'm speaking as a grandmother as well as a Mum x

Even if baby wasn’t breastfed they’re too young to be away from mum overnight.

Babies naturally move onto sippy cups, there is never a ‘need’ for a bottle. I taught breastfeeding for years, I’m a paediatric and general nurse. Breastfed babies manage with a teaspoon as well, so no need for a bottle unless mum wants to reduce breast. No reason to leave any baby this young with someone else and unless there is a requirement. Granny could spend some time with baby with parents around, ie. Give mum a couple of hours break, so mum reading, washing hair, having ‘me’ time and granny in house looking after baby.

Overnight care? When the child is ready to say they want to. I had first grand child overnight at 3 when he kept asking to be allowed to stay over. Parents are ten minutes away and I kept them in the loop, photos, little videos of said child…eating supper, playing and from there it became a regular stay once a week. Second grandchild a bit older as was still in nappies and I said when they were dry I would have them. It’s a treat for us, me and the children. I never asked for them to stay, the kids did.

Mine didn't start having sleepovers till they were 5 or 6 years old. What happens if she wakes up in the night wanting you. Would you trust her to settle her or get you if necessary?

Those saying to introduce a bottle, one of mine refused to breastfeed after getting used to a bottle so its not always neutral.

Those saying to introduce a bottle, one of mine refused to breastfeed after getting used to a bottle so its not always neutral
Exactly and primarily why on earth should a mother stop breastfeeding to appease other adults?

My oldest struggled with bottles because of the amount of air he would take in because he was a guzzler so bottles weren’t used often. He also hated formula when we did try and would throw it up. The second tried a bottle and not only hated it but refused to take it even if he was hungry. Wasn’t too surprising since he hated dummies. He moved on to a sippy cup on his own accord which made more sense anyway but still preferred the breast.

Ooh - alarm bells ringing big time!!

Who the hell decs out a room without even discussing the whole sleep over thing first!? I sort of assumed at the very beginning your DD must be about 2... But 4 months!!? No bloody way would they be doing sleep overs especially not 1-2 times a week! That's insane. Poor baby. It would totally kill your routine at home and could completely mess up the sleeping. Not to mention - is she a let them cry it out sort or a pander to every tiny thing? Either way it's going to mess up what you do at home and baby will be so unsettled.

She went to all that effort on her own - she never asked you so dont feel bad about it for a second! It was extremely presumptuous and entitled of her to think you would just toss her your baby for 2 nights a week. Frankly plain weird unless that was an arrangement you had.

My ex husband and PiL were like that. Just expected me to pop one out and hand it over. Breastfeed was a huge no with them - apparently i was purposely depriving them all of feeding by doing it and using it as a weapon (daughter also had massive feeding issues, allergies and stuff - boob is all she would except). Apparently i was mental because i co slept, breastfed and wouldn't pack her off from day one, even though its exactly how my son was raised from a previous relationship 6 years before.

You do what is right for you and baby and dont let her guilt trip and manipulate you into getting what she wants (i predict a massive adult toddler tantrum from her when you stand your ground so be prepared and just let it wash over you. Take everything she says with a pinch of salt as it will all be for dramatic effect and manipulation.)

I would be having a good chat to hubby over how to jointly tackle her as he seems to be on the same lines as you which is brilliant. I would be busy for quite some time to create a bit of breathing space too. Good luck 🤞

hope the talk went ok op

You are NOT being unreasonable AT ALL. Honestly, MIL sounds concerning. She isn't putting your child's needs first and is treating your child like a plaything. She also sounds very possessive and interfering.

Speaking from experience, in my case with a very overbearing and controlling mother, please, please, please do not ever leave your child unattended with this woman. No sleepovers. No babysitting. YOU are always there.

When my son was 2, I went into the hospital for major surgery. My mother was supposed to watch my son for the day and then give him to a family friend where he was spending a week. After my surgery, I awoke to a police officer and social worker in my hospital room because my mom had tried to run off with my child. She got caught with my kid, my car, and a huge wad of cash in a sock because she was acting weird in a conversation with a hotel concierge, and given how young my son was at the time, he called the police.

How did the talk go OP?

Imagine thinking you get to decide when a mother weans their baby. The grandmother could've made a Playroom for the granddaughter and said when YOU are comfortable, we'd love to have her overnight. If people have nothing, they have AUDACITY

i can't help wondering if there's a sad story here. one of my friends always had a very difficult relationship with they own mother but was close to their grandmother, and this had roots in the fact that their mother had very severe PND and anxiety around the time of their hounger sibling's birth and they were sent away to live with Grandma for several months at a very young age, and I rather think this traumatised the whole family in a way that has never been properly processed.

Said friend isn't a grandparent yet, but I can totally imagine that someone with a trauma like that in their past might feel that they have to be ready to step in to be substitute parent at a moment''s notice if needed. Might feel it's important for the child to get familiar with sleepovers with grandma so that if something like that happens it won't be such an enormous unfamiliar shock
Might even feel that they have a better shot at being "a good grandma" than they had at being "a good mother" if they don't feel they had a good mother themselves. ( I also wonder if being deeply controlling and manipulative could be character flaws that could develop from such a trauma)

Doesn't make the behaviour reasonable of course, but possibly more understandable.

Have you been back for a visit since you were shown the room @MollyPocket and have you/your DH had a word? How did it go?