MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Wow she’s an arse. Your kids are not her kids. Don’t listen to anything she says honestly!

I’ll never understand why some people decide to turn grandparenting into a badge of honour. Do they just want something to talk about with the neighbours? Something to parade on social media to feel relevant/needed again now their own kids are adults? Do they really have no other means of validation or self worth?

Anyway, her vile behaviour has nothing to do with what’s best for your child.

I really hope your husband has your back here. Mine would have told her, quite literally, to F off…

Eh?

Absolutely insane. The good news is you don't have to do it (ever, if you don't want to) and you're not responsible for her feelings about that.

Bloody Hell, talk about overstepping boundaries (MIL, that is).

OP, my DC didn't have "sleepovers" anywhere at all until they started school. I did take them to stay with my parents when they were small, but they shared a bedroom with me when I did that.

This!!!

Um no. MIL is batshit.

I do know some people who have chosen to leave babies with grandparents from the get go for an overnight a week and it was fine for all. It's usually due to work. It doesn't work if breastfeeding.

Ours have never had a sleepover with either set of grandparents despite being looked after 2 days per week by one set. The other set will never have them alone during the day or overnight as they are not nice people.

The one time DH and I have both been away overnight, grandparents came and stayed at our house.

Do what works for you.

@MintyFreshOne - "I sometimes don’t understand these types of posts lol I’d kill to have family around to take my kids overnight. I breastfed and co-slept (still am) but I am willing to break routine once in awhile …"

Did you have those 'breaks in routine' when your child(ren) were 4 months old?

@MollyPocket- I have had even more time to mull over the situation and I'd find it very very strange that a granny would actually go to the expense of redecorating one room in their home with things for a baby if somewhere along the lines, someone hadn't given her the impression that sleep overs would be possible. I'd suggest you find out if your DH ever gave her that impression and nip it in the bud straightaway.

I agree that at some point in time, getting your child to drink out of a bottle/sippy cup will be of major benefit to you as you'll be able to leave the child with a suitable adult while you go to an appointment or if you're ever taken ill. 4 months old is not that time. That's the only thing I think I agree with from another posters message listing the benefits of the situation that you now find yourselves in.

Best of luck making the situation crystal clear to your MiL and on that I think it must be done with you present but by your DH!

Wow this is quite crazy!! I thought you'd written 4 years old not 4 months!

Do it whenever you feel comfortable, not when your mother-in-law wants. And your husband needs to have your back 100%.

I thought you were going to say 4 years old. Not 4 months, of course she’s too young.

Have you posted about this before OP? There was an OP in a similar predicament fairly recently.

At first I thought it was 4yo and thought why not if the child was okay with it, but then read it was a 4mo baby and breastfed at that. So MIL is clearly batshit, and not only that but not acting in best interest of baby - babies that she need mum, they also should sleep in with adults per SIDS recommendation, not in a separate room irrespective of the unicorns.

Tell MIL you have no plans for sleepovers, at all, ever. Then buy her a dolly to play with in her pink frilly wendy house. Or perhaps a book on gender stereotypes.

She is really odd. Why is she so keen to have a tiny baby sleep over? I would definitely stick to guns.

My children are 12 and 13 yo and I can count the number of sleepovers (without me) they've had on both hands, but I don't need to pull socks off to count more. Every time has been because I needed a night away - residential courses, a 10 year anniversary meal etc. I had children to be part of my family and I don't need them to be overnighted often at all. If they want to go to a friend's house, that's fine, but so far we've tended to do the sleepovers as we have the space.

Generally it's my mother, or occasionally a close friend who does this. It's not my PIL because they have no awareness of danger - this has been demonstrated time and time again. They did ask, and whinge, but tough.

If criticised I used to simply say that I love spending time with my children and have no need of a break from them. It's hard to argue with simplicity.

Our ds is 16 months old, still breastfeeding and cosleeping and I wouldn't leave him anywhere without me until he can talk unless it was an emergency 🤷‍♀️ He's my little baby and I know that in a few years he will want to spend more and more time away from me with friends and will be at school ect. Don't ever feel guilty for spending every minute with your little one while they're still little as it goes by so fast!!
I won't be doing sleepovers for no reason either as I don't understand how it would benefit him in any way 🤷‍♀️ Obviously if he asks when he's older I will consider it but until then, no way 🤷‍♀️

I'd be quoting the WHO reccomedation that all children are BF for a minimum of 2 years.

And that it would be such a shame for the room to go to waste so why don't her and FIL have another baby.

Grandparent sleepovers are great. But only when the parents feel ready AND they want the break. Not a moment before.

I am a big fan of allowing DCs to spend time on their own with GPS. I was very close to both my GMs and had lots of sleepovers, and was happy for DS to do the same.

However, he was 1 before he stayed over and it was one night a week.

Your MIL seems to be one of these crazy ladies who think the grandchild is really hers, and is massively overstepping boundaries. Mine was a bit like this but DH was really supportive, and it was him who put his foot down and explained clearly what was and wasn't going to happen.

It would be a shame to deprive your DD of a lovely relationship with a doting granny, but she has to understand what you will allow and what is practical. The sooner this happens the better.

To be fair though if the mil has half a brain she will know that recommendation plays to the lowest denominator and is due to women in third world countries not having access to clean water /good nutrition. The who don’t give recommendations by country. So I’d not use that if I thought the woman was even minorly not an idiot.

There is no way I'd allow this. If I have to sleep in another room because of illness my breastfeeding 18m old wakes up and cries where's mumma? Why inflict this on a baby? How selfish of her.

There is no need to teach your baby to drink from a bottle. You can go straight to water and/or cups when old enough.

My 21 and 19 yr old have never had a sleep over with their gran , my MIL. She never seemed interested in having them and the fact they smoked and had a temperamental dog put me off even if they did show interest.

Does your DH know if your MIL used to send him and his siblings to sleep over with her in-laws at this age?

She's being an utter dick. Jesus wept

Well she doesn't sound the brightest spark to be honest @Porcinimushroom

Anyone who thinks a mother should give up breastfeeding so that they can have 'a go' on the baby (which is literally what she's doing) doesn't have the best interests of the mother or the baby at heart.