MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

My kids have had an occasional sleep over with grandparents. Not as babies. And not a regular sleepover.

why would MIL think that you would be happy for your child to live with her for 1-2 days a week? Crazy

ask her when your husbands started having sleepovers at his grandparents a couple of times a week???

Four months! Why would anyone want a baby overnight anyway, other than their own? What do they think is going to happen at this magical sleepover?

I would breastfeed for six years out of spite. But barring that, just deflect and ignore – and don’t read anymore texts on DH’s phone. Let him play gatekeeper to the crazy, and you carry on feeding, sleeping and parenting as you want.

I miss read at first and thought you did was 4 YEARS old and then I thought even age 4 is too young let alone 4 months!!!

I still breastfeed my DS (3) but I made sure he could take milk from a bottle in an emergency; and while I had ‘trained’ him to accept all his breastfeeds at night as I work full time and long in the day, you could do it the other way around and so there would be no barriers to the occasional one night sleepover. Your DC is 4 mths old, one or two months away from weaning, and you gave a gran who wants to help so why not?

I'll never get my head round the GP's who think and behave like this.

Your daughter hasn't been born as a source of entertainment for MIL, and she literally has not a single a single in say in any aspect of how you raise her.

As for the text, I'd be messaging her a back myself on that one. Not links, no justifications on BF, just a a very clear message that I'd seen hers and that it was far from appropriate.

Well it’s lovely that she has decorated a room for your dd, how nice it will be to have a place where you can breastfeed her in privacy and change her nappies in a dedicated place when you all go to visit. When she is a bit older she will be able to have an afternoon nap there comfortably and grandma will have a place to keep her toys tidily, and maybe when she is about 4 or 5 she might be happy to have a sleep over. Until then grandma thanks but no thanks.

If you allow regular (weekly) overnights you are setting up the potential for a claim for grandparents access...

I wouldn’t be doing this. I would be suggesting when you feel overnights are suitable it won't be until the children are much older and it wouldn’t be a regular commitment, just as an when it was necessary

YANBU. The duplicity of trying to encourage you to stop breastfeeding via your DH is a huge red flag and I'd be allowing visits only when I'm there to supervise.

I'm a granny, many of my friends are grannies and NONE of us would behave in such a batshit, entitled way. Only on MN have I ever heard about these insane MILs. Ask her for a copy of the timeshare contract you must have unwittingly signed when you announced your pregnancy. If there isn't one just ignore her.

She is fixated on this and yes, it's weird. They're not even meant to sleep alone until 6 months, plus DS is now 4 and insists on sleeping in his grandparents' room on his mattress for sleepovers!

I stopped breastfeeding at 21 months and I think he was 3 before sleeping anywhere else.

My 8 year old doesn't sleep out, she really just doesn't want to. Even IF your daughter was old enough she might not even WANT to. As for the rest, your MIL is batshit, I hope your husband was on your side?

I never understand why someone wants to be woken up multiple times a night by someone else unsettled baby..

What makes some mils act like this. I had a great relationship with mine before DS was born and she turned similar to this. It's sad actually as it has ruined our relationship. I told mil directly DS won't be sleeping over until he can communicate to us that he wants to (mil lives 5 hours away so it's not like they see each other a lot and DS is already a mummy's boy at night). She's just had to live with it as DH backed me up.

Really?

Lots of grandmothers want to help out etc, but decorating a bedroom for a grandchild is just plain fucking weird. 4 months is tiny, just a baby, you can't go leaving them with other people when breastfeeding. Its not normal.

Absolutely insane behavior from MIL. I personally would let a child do any sleep overs until at least 5 or 6 and they can communicate with me properly. Far too much SA risks, even with family.

This is a very good point!

Yanbu - I thought you were going to say your DC was 4 years old not 4 months old!!

Batshit is not the word and sleepovers aren't the issue. The way that she's gone about this is manipulation, plain and simple. She used the room to try and present sleepovers as a fait accompli and make you seem like the unreasonable one in this situation (and don't even get me started on her text to your DH!)

You need to dig your heels in very firmly on this and be careful not to reward this kind of behavior - if she learns it yields results then you'll have much bigger problems ahead.

She’s bloody nuts, 1-2 overnights a week at any age is just ridiculous thinking, let alone at 4 months. That’s more than some non-resident parents get! I’d be making it very clear to DH that he needs to set her straight or I will. And then if brought up again just completely change the conversation. Your daughters not a toy. She does sound like my mum. She was planning on when she was going to babysit and take my DD on holiday from when I was a few months pregnant and she was really put out when I said that I was not agreeing to anything and would wait and see. She got over it eventually.

My eldest is now five and has never stayed away from home. She’s been looked after overnight at our home whilst I went in to labour with her siblings but she’s never wanted to stay over anywhere and it’s never been necessary so it’s never happened. It all depends on when you and your DD are ready for her to spend the night elsewhere, for some children that’s younger and some it’s older. I was 7 before I stayed at my nans, I didn’t impact our relationship one bit.

I'd be very annoyed by this!

Omg! I was shocked when you said your DD was 4 months old! Your MIL needs to back off, wth

There are good MILs who suffer from all the comments and jokes in part because of a MIL like the one OP refers to.

Too many reasons to note as to why the OPs views I support.

How controlling I would be furious! The thing with MIL they either don’t want anything to do with the baby or they want way too much to soon. No happy medium. Take your time and only do what you are happy to do. Being pushed to do things by others will lead to a lot of resentment in future…

Parents. Tiny babies should be with their parents. Not exclusively Mothers. Other than that, totally agree!

Babies don't have "sleepovers" unless it's an emergency. Surely? I can understand grandma's getting excited but she's at least 5 years too early imo.

She's mad. tell her it won't be until she's about 4. 4 months is far to young.