MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

My MIL tried to pull similar stunts when DC1 was born. She lived in a caravan at the time beside this huge house she decided to buy which was an absolute wreck, had no running water or gas etc and she was obviously going to renovate it except she never actually did but that’s beside the by. She also had two big dogs in said caravan. She thought we’d love DC1 to stay over in said caravan with said dogs and got very upset when we turned down this offer. She also bought really hideous baby items from charity shops and got offended when we didn’t use them.

Just stay firm. She’s massively jumped the gun with the garish bedroom for a 4 month old baby and she’s being really weird about the breastfeeding situ. BF as long as you like, ignore the mad MIL.

No just no! Tbh I wouldn’t (and don’t) let my 3year old stay with somebody like that. Sounds like she needs a dolly.

Some grandparents just don’t get that they are grandparents not parents.

My reply when I got told ‘the only problem with breastfeeding is that other people can’t feed the baby’ was that it wasn’t a problem and even if I was formula feeding I’d be limiting it to myself and my husband. It wasn’t the only problem as far as this person was concerned , “you don’t know how much they are getting”, “she’s hungry already”, “ it’s just weird” etc.

She is a baby! Ask MIL what age your DH was given to her in laws for a night. I fed all my kids for a minimum of a year, five years for youngest. I think your MIL wants to take your baby over. Did she have a daughter of her own? I would nonchalantly mention her text to your DH when you next see her and say you don’t expect her to be ready for quite some time to come, then smile.

She wants you to stop breastfeeding and co-sleeping with a tiny baby just so she can play at being it's mother! She's nuts. My mil said I bf for my benefit not the baby's, also nuts. Something wrong with both these women to be so ignorant, cruel and selfish. Tell her that excessive cortisol from the stress of early separation is not good for a baby's development. And don't even consider it until you think your baby is ready, which was 2 with us as I bf exclusively until 6-7 months and then on demand until they stopped at about two. By then they were happy and confident enough to spend time with their grandmother and decide if the wanted to sleep over. I know lots of people work and don't have the luxury of this choice and others make different choices and their kids grow up fine, but you don't have to unless you think it's right for the baby and you. Call me old fashioned if you like as mine are in their mid twenties now but there plenty of evidence in the literature about the importance of this primary baby/ carer relationship 🙂

I wasn’t sure what to think until I read that the child is 4 MONTHS! I thought you’d mistyped at first and she was 4 years old. She’s only just out of the newborn stage. She’s not a dolly for grandma to play with and dress up!

WMA
You beat me to it!!!!
Sorry, OP, your MIL is a piece of work-your little girl is 16 weeks old and breastfed-just tell her that if your daughter wants to sleep over, she will tell you (so that's a couple of years reprieve, at least!!!)
😱

In fact, just tell her that this is not even up for discussion, as you feel uncomfortable that she is trying to undermine your marriage by trying to turn your husband against you breast feeding.
Or tell your husband to man up and say this to her.

If it helps OP our boys (now 8&6) have never had a sleepover with either set of grandparents and have fantastic relationships with all of them. Hope your chat went ok and fingers crossed she’ll calm down, my MiL was very OTT (although didn’t and wouldn’t have dared suggest I didn’t breastfeed she did decorate a room, but a cot and a pushchair etc!) but has chilled out a bit now they’re older thankfully!

When I first read this, I thought you said she was 4 years old, and I thought, "That's a bit young for sleepovers." Four months is insanity!

I’d worry that she’d be the grandmother who, without asking, takes your dc for their first haircut, gets their ears pierced etc.
Completely out of order.

My son has just turned 4 years old and I have only just started letting my mum have him for sleepovers. I would have never considered it when he was being breastfed and I’m still anxious as hell when he goes.

4 months is way too young for sleepovers (especially considering infants are supposed to sleep next to their parents until 6 (ideally 12) months. It sounds like your MIL is expecting your DD to sleep alone in her new room. It’s a no from me.

The world health organisation recommend breastfeeding to 2 years at least.
the lullaby trust recommend the baby sleeps with you in your room until at least 6 months.
it is your baby your rules.
you might have to put some distance between you and the MIL.

my daughter is 15months- we bed share still- some nights she is attached to the boob all night.
please don’t give in to pressure to wean off to save someone else’s feelings .

@MollyPocket - please come back when you've met with your MiL again with your DH to let us know how you got on. I am thinking of you and hope the meeting goes well.

That’s just horrific. Your poor baby!

Any update, @MollyPocket ?

YANBU in not wanting your littl'un to stay over yet, and MIL is being too full on. However...

YABU in calling her nuts. It's her grandchild - she's excited and it comes from a good, if misguided, place. It seems to me you need to find an honest, firm but fair way of communicating with her as you seem to be developing quite an antagonistic approach which, if allowed to fester, will damage relations and be a headache for you all in the years to come. If you're seriously thinking about only asking your parents to babysit in future, effectively cutting the other grandparents out of the equation, then you'll only have yourself to blame for the heartache which will follow.

Speak to your husband, get him on board with presenting a united front, but be kind and fair!

My goodness, yanbu!

In fact you have taken to this quite well as my mum did the exact same thing when my dd was around the same age. She spent a fortune on bedroom furniture and also said i was selfish for ebf for the first year. i told her straight that she was out of her mind for even thinking i’d be changing my baby’s feeding and sleeping routines just to satisfy her need to ‘have’ the baby overnight. I also said she’d had her turn bringing me up and she was being selfish not allowing me the space to bring my child up the way i want. I was pretty cutting, but i was so annoyed with her trying to force my hand. You, on the other hand, come across as much more considerate of your MILs feelings 🙈

My mum was very put out but she had this romantic notion of looking after a 4 month old, but clearly forgotten about the reality if it! She wouldn’t have coped.

^ This

Another controlling manipulative MIL!! I know exactly how you feel, its difficult because you don't want to cause any tension but stand your ground. My MIL wanted alone time with my DS, don't know why they think they have this right. Especially with breastfed babies when they can't meet that basic need! Their opinions will never go away, you just have to choose which ones to ignore and which ones are worth the battle.
I hope I learn from this and be a decent MIL if / when my time comes along.
Hope it has all settled down, but just enjoy your time with your baby. Dont waste time worrying about other peoples opinions.

Bear in mind that you have only recently had a baby and that your hormones are still going through your body so take a deep breath. First of all your MIL has no right to go behind your back to your DH. In my home most decisions about childcare were made by me because I was the one caring for the children. My MIL was from hell and only saw my DC when she visited or when we went to her. She complained bitterly about not being more involved but my DH supported me side by side and that is what you need to do. Talk to him about it. Then, when you are ready to do so, leave your baby with your parents. I say that as you will trust them more. Go shopping for an hour and then go back. I was awful about leaving my first child even with mine. Once you have got used to that then do the same with your PIL. Do make sure that both sets of grandparents know what your rules are, not theirs. Even if you are homebodies, sometimes it's nice not to have to get up in the morning.

Your baby is 4 months old, and imo that’s far too young to be away from mum. Saying you should stop bf would make me hit the roof. Both my kids were exclusively bf until they were 2 and 3 years old, and neither slept over anywhere during that time. Remind your MIL that this is your baby, not hers. She sounds a bit unhinged tbh, like a midlife crisis or something. She needs reminding that she’s a grandparent, not the mother of a baby.

I was guilted in to leaving my first (who was combi fed) far sooner than I was ready, but it was still way older 4 months. I don't even know many bottle fed babies left that early for overnights.

My second is nearly 2, was exclusively breastfed, not sleeping through the night yet & tends to come in my bed from midnight/1am. Definitely not leaving her with anyone untill she is regularly sleeping through & I'm glad I've stuck to my guns this time. Aside from stress & worry - it's just not worth it. One bad night away from you can take days for their sleep to recover & mean you get the following few days of bad sleep. & It's not like you'll get a full night's sleep when they are away, if you regularly feed overnight your boobs will be waking you up anyway!

I think it's really OTT that she's decorated a room without even having any discussions about sleepovers first. I just can't see how anyone could be that delusional or have misjudged the situation so much.

Actually, the reality of this just hitting me, but is she actually planning on putting a four month old baby alone in a separate room? I know not everyone follows safe sleep guidance but I get the impression you aren't leaving the baby sleeping alone & the recommendation is at least 6 months, but clearly she hasn't consulted you on it & that's a pretty big thing.

Also, if she knows the baby doesn't sleep though, & is used to breastfeeding & cosleeping, why the hell is she so desperate to have her overnight?? It doesn't sound like her expectations are grounded in reality, because it could potentially be a pretty horrible night for both your baby, you, and her.

Really good points here. There's lots of research now about cortisol and early trauma/separation and the effects it has on human development. If you don't need to do it (i.e. you're not in a dire childcare crisis) why on earth would you send your very young baby elsewhere at night. Your baby needs you when she wakes at night.
Quite apart from needing to breastfeed, which of course is also your right to do as long as you like and none of your MiL's business. My circumstances were such that I was able to let both my children take the lead on when to stop breastfeeding (one was 2.5 and one was about 3 years old when they chose to tail off). Of course, you should do what feels right for you, but if it's working and you're having no issues don't feel forced to change because of someone else's desires. Her wants are nothing to do with your baby's wellbeing or yours.

My LO was about 1yo before he stayed with grandparents. And I know I'm not overprotective because I've seen plenty of overprotective parents! At that age he wasn't breastfeeding as much so I could just leave some expressed milk, and I knew that my body and milk supply would cope just fine without needing to express overnight to replace his normal feeds or anything.

I also think 1-2 nights per week is too much, although obviously it's personal preference. My LO has been spending at least ½ day with his grandparents most weekends recently and as much as I appreciate their help and also want them to have time with him, it just feels too much. So overnights every week would be way too much imo

At that age ,staying away from parents is only for emergencies,I think...which can be useful of course. I often had my granddaughter overnight as a small baby but she was bottle fed, they lived with me for her first 2 years and she was completely happy with me. Her little brother has stayed as well since he was about 3 but is less happy about it.
I can't understand wanting to have very young children overnight unless it's necessary to help out, they are much happier at home, and what grandparent seriously wants broken sleep? Maybe I'm heartless!