MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

She’s being very unreasonable.

4 months and breastfed - no way. I ebf my ds and the first sleepover he did was when I went into hosp to have dd two years later.

decorating a room and then doing a big reveal is really pushy imo.

This is appalling. Who are these women in real life who behave like this? It’s utterly unacceptable.

I first thought you'd say your DD is 4 YEARS old and your MIL had done this. I still would have found that very inappropriate and gaslighty to just decorate the room and put demands for sleepovers on you without discussing it with you first. And in actual fact your DD is 4 MONTHS!!! Completely, utterly batshit of your MIL to do this!!! I would keep her at a very long arm's length after this. Asking your DH to put pressure on you to stop breastfeeding just so she can play mum - this is infuriating.

My son had his first sleep over a couple of months ago at 3yo! I had been very clear that I wasn't expecting it to happen until school age but DS mentioned staying over wanted to. I feel like, when they are old enough to ask, is the best time.

There is no way I'd allow a child this young to
have sleepovers. I do, however, recognise that not all people feel this way. BIL has allowed my nephew to have sleepovers at a matter of weeks old.

Do what works for you but do not feel pressured into anything you're not comfortable with. Stand your ground if it's something you feel strongly about.

Yanbu. She is being ridiculous. No way would I leave my baby with her.

This has just reminded me of my mil when I was pregnant with my eldest. We visited one day and she proudly wheeled out the oldest, dirtiest, most battered looking pushchair you've ever seen. It was not even suitable for a newborn, it was a buggy type for a toddler.

She said her friend had given it to her now her grandson had finished with it. We asked why she needed it and she said "well one day you might just ring up and say "we're in a rush, on our way now, dropping the baby off" and I'll be ready now I have this".

Um no. There was no way my baby was going near that infested looking piece of crap that her friend had obviously palmed off on her to save a trip to the tip. There had also been no talk of her providing any childcare whatsoever, she was physically disabled and we weren't close.

We told her in as polite a way as we could that she didn't need to keep hold of that pushchair. Ds is now 12 and has never spent time at her house without us. It's weird how some people just assume they are entitled to alone time with other people's babies.

Your MIL is being ridiculous. I would be very blunt and knock this on the head.

Why are some people, not just MILS so threatened by the mother-baby bond forming??

Apart from harming mother and baby it’s so short sighted, they’ll have far more fun with a securely attached child for years down the line if they can just be patient - and support the new parents during this period

Me too!!

I'm having my baby soon and will be (when she is hopefully safely here) bottle feeding (due to complicated PTSD reasons). I still won't be allowing any overnight visits for a significant amount of time! I would need to feel extremely comfortable with the idea and have a very settled baby. The fact your MIL decorated a room (without being asked) really doesn't factor in. And I don't feel the feeding method factors in either. Even if you decided to stop,for any reason, it wouldn't change your decision. She's got to reign it in by a huge amount.

Next meet up tell her the benefits of long term bf. Suggest you hope to be feeding dd at 3yo...

This is one that needs knocked on the head, not only because it ridiculous, but also it is important to set the tone for any future demands. She needs to know you both will not be manipulated or engage in elongated discussions about the decisions you make for your child.

Your dh shouldn't be pussy footing around, he needs to just tell her straight that it isn't happening, she has jumped the gun with the baby room and it does not change anything. He will let her know if/when you both feel ready to be away from your baby but there are no plans on the horizon in the next few months so don't ask again.

End of story and do not engage in conversation about it again, if she asks just say we have discussed this already and change the subject. Let her tanturm.

batshit

I'm a new grandmother and it's so bloody exciting! My DIL is amazing and sends me pictures most days (we live very far apart). However, DGC isn't mine. I will be honoured when I'm first asked to have them over night (if ever) but it isn't my place to request this.

She is nuts. Put an end to this now or you will be battling with her for years to come.

Woah, whaaat? Where has the expectation of sleepovers come from? How bloody intrusive! This is your bonding time with your baby.

I also thought you meant 4 years at first and thought it was odd to demand a sleepover without discussing it first.

Agree with pp, you do not have to send her for a sleepover ever, if you don’t want to.

I left my DS at my DPs at 4 months so I could go to a wedding. The purpose was childcare help for me, rather than an “experience” for them. So I’m not against leaving babies in principal, but there’s only one party who should be deciding when it happens.

I’d shut it down completely- “thank you for offering, we’ll let you know if we ever need someone to look after DD overnight”.

Totally agree. My toddler son has two sets of grandparents who worship the ground he walks on, and I have no doubt either would have him overnight if I asked. But they certainly haven't pressed the matter themselves - they're quite happy getting full nights sleep in thanks very much! 🤣

Do NOT let her bully you into having that baby overnight! Your baby is far too young to be having ‘sleepovers’, you need to resist this for her if not yourself. She sounds like a controlling nutter and your DH needs to reply to that effect.

Also misread 4 years, but yes, 4 months is tiny and your MIL is being far too pushy! Get your DH to have firm words with his mum and say, whilst you both appreciate the enthusiasm, she’s too little at the moment and sleepovers will not be happening for a good while yet. He needs to tell her to stop mentioning it as it is putting you under pressure and you will ask her when you are ready and not before.

It’s difficult because you have a MIL who is desperate to be involved which ultimately is a good thing (and will hopefully benefit you both in the long run) but I don’t know why I keep hearing these stories of the MIL’s being way OTT. Can they not see they risk pushing their DIL’s away? Anyway, I think YANBU but I wouldn’t cut MIL off just yet and I’m hoping she’ll calm down after your DH has had words 🤞

So she will continue to be controlling and manipulative around your daughter…..
You need to stop this right now.
The breastfeeding comment to your DH would make me see red and want to go very LC with her.

Smile sweetly and say that as breastfeeding is the best possible start for your baby, you have no intention of stopping it anytime soon, and your baby will not be spending any nights apart from you for a very long time, and why would anyone want to take a baby away from her mother? Let her see how odd you find her behaviour.

Don’t feel guilty about the room. She chose to do it, and she kept quiet about it because she knew you wouldn’t like it.

Do you live very close to them? I would honestly not want to see her after that!
No way would I be letting her have baby alone either. I wouldn’t trust her.

@MollyPocket
I also have a MIL who harboured the fantasy of caring for my baby in her home without me there. It's weird and I hated it.

My baby is now 4 and is still hasn't happened. You don't have to indulge her, you don't have to explain you just have to say no. On repeat....untill you're comfortable, and if you're never comfortable that's fine too. My tatic: smile, say no thank you change subject, leave room etc etc.

At age 4 she has now created a childs bedroom in her house, which i have agreed is lovely and will be just perfect when we visit as a family at Christmas.

My DS hasn't had a sleepover at grandma's yet and he'll be 10 years old next month. You don't have to allow this ever if you don't want to.

Another set of nutter PIL who just don't know any boundaries at all!

A 4 month old for crying out loud?

Like, nothing in their brain clicked to say that the baby's probably too young?

She’s absolutely nuts and overstepping the mark, but I wouldn’t burn my bridges as overnight childcare when she is a bit older and weaned will be great for your relationship

just tell her firmly that she is tiny and it won’t be happening any time soon. You’ll let her know when.

Where is your DH on all this boundary crossing?

I would be clear that my daughter would not be sleeping over for quite some time, if ever, as she lacks boundaries and has made you very uncomfortable with her overstepping, pushiness and demands about your daughter.

Bahahahaha.

Yeah, no, she's nuts.