MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Wow, that is absurd. When you said how she’d decorated it I thought you were going to say the child was about 7.
Personally I’m not ok with sleepovers (unless in an emergency) until the child is old enough to understand fully what is going on, where you’ve gone, when you’ll be back and communicate all their needs.

I’d agree with this. My DS started sleepovers at around 18 months - 2 years, and breastfed until 17 months. But please don’t burn bridges with MIL hastily - willing, free childcare will be a saviour in future.

She is a baby and YOUR child so your say goes! Also you breastfeed your baby as long as you and she are happy. Your MIL expecting you to stop is only to benefit her.

My DS didn't sleep over without me until he was 3. When he was 5 he went on holiday without me and honestly it felt like a physical pain.

This has made me so angry. YANBU obviously. Absurd..

She is nuts. Be absolutely firm with her. I’d be tempted to breastfeed till your baby is school age.

I have had all of my grandchildren overnight but none before they were one and none before they were happy in my company. This is your baby not hers. I just do not understand some of the mils on Mumsnet. I want to be a Granny, nothing more. My job is help my child so what they say goes.

This is so weird. Is your dh her only child? Seems like she’s hankering for another chance at motherhood.

Do this!!!!

Print all the replies to this thread and ask her to read them

This was my mother-I was 19 when I had my first and she was the overbearing (read narcissistic)mother from hell-I’m now nc with her but at the time,she was my mum and I thought I owed her

i gave birth on the Thursday,came out of hospital on the Saturday and she demanded my baby for a sleepover on the tuesday (as she wasn’t working on the Wednesday)

I was breastfeeding and her solution was for her to have dd and ‘a bottle won’t hurt her for one night’ (sod my poor tits)

I refused-dd is now 26 and her nana still bangs on about how unreasonable I was-after all,all her friends had the grandchildren from birth

(oddly,I did allow a sleepover just before dd started school-she was picked up at about 6pm and brought back to me at 2:30am as she was ‘hard work’-I’d love to know what she expected,a child who went to sleep in a strange bedroom,that she’d never really been in before due to my mothers ‘do not go upstairs in my house’ rule,and would sleep from 6:30-8?that wasn’t going to happen-she still woke at least twice a night with sleep terrors which I had made very clear,but I was either lying or my mothers wonderful parenting would sort it)

(And,the one friend she’s talking about had a dd who was one of those mothers who was happy for this to happen-her friend brought all the dd’s children up and they are now adults-that’s the mothers choice-but it wasn’t happening to my baby)

Nuts; it needs nipping in the bud early doors.
I’m sure the time will come, when you feel comfortable, that the break will be appreciated - but that seems like it’ll be way in the future.
You know what your boundaries are, so stick to them.

100% batsh*t craziness! I would never leave my child with her, just purely based on the fact she seems so stupid and crazy.

I never breastfed but PIL did not have DS1 overnight when he was a baby. He stayed with them when he was 3 but by then we had DD and then later DS2 and they could not manage all 3 overnight 😁

They just live 10 minutes walk from is and are great babysitters.

I breastfed my dc until they were around 2 yrs old and I suggest that you do the same.

Personally I would have chucked DD at anyone who would have her at that age (any age really).

BUT your MIL is insane, who does that and the “stop breastfeeding, it’s inconvenient to me” is just appalling. Your Dd is not a doll or a thing.

Do you know @MollyPocket i read the whole thing having mis-read your DD’s age as 4 years, and I did think that it was maybe a bit unusual, or at least maybe it would change in a couple of years.

At 4 months your tiny baby is where she needs to be. Keep BF and co-sleeping and whatever else works for your baby, you and your DH as a family. Hell, do it until she’s 4 years old if you want.

Some people choose to allow sleepovers when they are older, some don’t. That’s ok.

Just turning 4 maybe, but even then not every week. Just turning 4 months? She's batshit!

I think you're nuts for posting this every year @MollyPocket @MNHQ

Please set firm boundaries or else there will be big trouble ahead! Your MIL is being ridiculous! It's not her child FFS! Your DH needs to have a firm word. I'd be saying that it's my way or no way.

Just stick to what you're comfortable with. Some families have sleepovers all the time from a tiny age and some don't. Neither is right or wrong.

What is absolutely right is that you and your husband decide when and if your DD is ready to sleep over at your MIL's and whether either of you also go with her.

There really is no norm for this stuff. I was staying alone at my grandparents house from 6 weeks old (and was fine), whereas my kids (now between 2 and 12) have stayed at their grandparents without a parent maybe twice, and only then once they were about 8 for the older ones and 6 for a younger sibling as they'd have the big ones to help.

If MIL has different expectations then your DH and MIL should be able to have a grown up conversation about it, but the outcome is non-negotiable as it can only be whatever you and DH decide is right for your DD.

The lack of consideration for the baby not being a doll to share around is one thing, but the 2 faced attempts to cause issues between you and your partner to get what she wants to the extent of trying to get him to attempt to end breastfeeding is just disgusting. I wouldn't want someone that selfish, manipulative and sly alone with my kids nevermind for whole nights.

My son started sleep overs at his grandparents at 9 weeks old. I’d stopped BFing and I was going out of my mind with lack of sleep. He’s slept over loads since so I think sleep overs at any time are fine- as long as you, the mother is ok with it.
Your MIL was completely disrespectful!!! And undermining. I’d be raging!

Right? I sometimes don’t understand these types of posts lol I’d kill to have family around to take my kids overnight. I breastfed and co-slept (still am) but I am willing to break routine once in awhile …

Actually find a bit creepy that someone would redecorate a room for a baby that doesn’t live with them.

This is absolutely spot on. My mum first had my son overnight when he was five months at my request. It was fine for everyone involved so I find the MN horror at such an idea a tad ridiculous to say the least. This is by no stretch of the imagination acceptable behaviour from your mil @MollyPocket. Your bloke needs to shut it down fast.