MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Your MIL is clearly getting carried away and has no clue your DH needs to affirm the boundaries with her! 4 months is way too little my DH had his first sleepover ar GPs when he was 2!

My MIL did this. And then started pointing out things to DH... I needed to stop breastfeeding, we needed to introduce solids early, DH needed to meet them secretly without me.

After those, there's no chance that they'll have DS without me or DH there until he's at least 4/5, if at all. They have shown that they are not putting what he wants first, they just want a baby to play with. The disrespect is unreal.

DH needs to stand up for you, not just on the specific breastfeeding point, but overall. I hope he did.

She sounds totally batshit. I had to read 4 months a few times to make sure you hadn’t written 4 years (when it would still be completely within your rights to say no!) why are so many people obsessed with having tiny babies sleep over in their house!? Bonkers!!

Has she got other dgc? Mil had ds's and dgs's. When dd was born she announced she had bought a load of dresses from a church fair she would be changing dd into when she slept over... I said point blank it wouldn't be happening. And it never did. She absolutely hated me bf and told me it wasn't fair as she never could.

Wow, she's truly batshit and I also thought you were going to say 4 years not months!

Does she even realise that a baby of that age wouldn't be sleeping in a room on their own and would need to be in with them if she did stay there?!

I have babysat for a child that young but this child was bottle fed, knew me well and mum was a single parent with no other support and needed a night off so it was very much for her benefit not mine.

Does your husband know you've seen the message? He needs to deal with this asap and if he won't it's left to you I'm afraid.

Obviously you should also tell them you're breastfeeding until she starts school. 😄

Another crazy MIL. I think she is totally out of order. There's no particular need for your child to do overnight stays at all unless you need a babysitter.

My DGD was two before she had sleepovers with me. I wouldn't want sleepovers (other than out of necessity) any earlier, to be honest. I think it's important that the child can communicate and understand where they are and why before they spend the night away from home and their parents. I'd hate a baby in my face to be really distressed because they wake up away from their environment and their secure parental attachment and don't know what's happening.

Yeah, I put lots of effort into decorating my bedroom but George Clooney still won't move in.

Honestly, emotional blackmail much? I'm with the MNetters who think sleepovers are weird anyway - until there's a reason for them. Tell her you'll get back to her when your baby is of the age to request a museum day in London with an early start.

I misread that as 4 yo not 4 months. That is just bonkers. Totally out of order.

totally nuts! she's being ridiculous.
I sympathise that she maybe misses the baby years and wants to relive them but your baby is not a prop for her benefit.

as for telling your DH what you mustn't be "allowed" to do, that would make me explode. does she really think DH should be controlling you like that,for his mother's benefit??

we tried our first grandma "sleepover" when DS was 27 months (not actually a sleepover but her doing bed time while we went to an event nearby that was 8pm till midnight, and we would return then and sleep there too). I did the normal bedtime routine and left at 7:30, but he didn't settle and was upset no matter that he was very familiar with the house and his grandma, she eventually phoned me at 10pm in defeat, he had been shouting "I want my own mummy I want my own mummy" over and over. very traumatic all round. eventually did an actual sleepover age 6.

There certainly are families where kids get used to sleepovers from an early age but no one gets to decide on your behalf if that isn't your choice.

Absolutely not.

Your baby is still so tiny.

I would be upset with her running to your DH demanding you stop breastfeeding.

I would be telling DH to put in some boundaries and definitely wouldn't entertain any babysitting / sleepovers until you are comfortable with it.

I can foresee my ILs being like this and I am already dreading it.

Enjoy your baby and do everything on your own timeline, no one else's.

She is nuts. However as someone with no over night childcare I think you should so easy on MIL so you still have that option in the future.

Get DH to send her a link to the NHS info on breastfeeding which recommends bf for at least 2 years.

Both my DDs loved spend (love) spending time at their grandparents. It started at around 2yo though.

Get DH to thank his mother and say you both hope it will be an activity they enjoy when older... be that in a few months or a few years depending on what suits your child

Grandparents can get overexcited. Its often well meant even if completely over the top.

Best comment

Your MIL is mad. Small babies are grotty at night. If I could unload mine onto someone else so they could deal with the nights and I could just sleep, I would. Unfortunately, it wouldn't end well for either the baby or the sitter, both of whom would have an unsettled night.

I would view with deep suspicion anyone who voluntarily asked to look after a small baby overnight (as opposed to doing a huge favour to a sleep-deprived parent). It's such a crazy thing to want.

Missing out?! DH needs to remind her she’s had her baby and DD is yours and his. Absolutely insane, the whole thing.

FWIW my mum is completely sane, supportive, wonderful, she and DD are incredibly close and adore each other. DD will probably have her first sleepover with grandma when we have this one in the spring and it’ll probably be here as mum wants DD to be happy and comfy. DD will be just 4. I bf her till a few months ago and we've never wanted a night away from her. Plenty of time for all that and it should be when the child and its parents are ready and suggest it.

DH needs to knock this batshittery on the head firmly and now and be prepared to reiterate it as often as needed. This is YOUR baby, she’s tiny, she only needs you. And unicorns suck, you’re right about that too!

I thought she was maybe just being the unpleasant side of ‘keen’ until I read the breastfeeding comment. That’s actually really off.

I would expect my DH to put her firmly in her place there and say you will BF as long as you and the baby want to and she needs to stop mentioning overnight care. At all. She is out of order and should be told so.

tbh I wouldn’t trust her one bit and wouldn’t want her doing even daytime care. You can bet she will be one of those grandmas who does it exactly her own way regardless of any plans you have or routines you want her to stick to.

Please stand up to her now and ensure your DH is very firm too.

Tell her to fuck off

Oh my that is just crazy and controlling behaviour with your DH to get her way. She has no rights and you do things when you want. Don't let her push you or your DH around with it.

4 months!! When I read the first bit about the decorated bedroom I thought you were going to say she was about 4 years. No baby needs to be going for a “sleepover” with GPs unless the parents request it (e.g. emergency). And she wants to do it 1-2 times a week?

The comment about stopping BF so she can have your baby to stay is so insane and awful it would make me want to stop seeing her. It’s a clear sign that this is about her wishes not the baby’s and parents’ needs and well-being. As a pp said, your child is not a dolly for her to play with. Shame your DH is trying to appease her like DHs usually do instead of telling her not to be ridiculous. And it’s a shame you actually feel bad for her and are actually thinking of handing your baby over at only 6 months to please this woman. Who having won this battle, would no doubt start demanding more.

It’s only on MN that I’ve ever heard of these in-laws and other relatives demanding “alone time” and “sleepovers” with babies and young children against the parents’ wishes. It’s bizarre, and even more bizarre are the MNers defending them. I cannot imagine wanting to take a tiny baby away from its mum for a night. And I know that if my mum or MIL tried that, my DH would have given them a firm “absolutely not”.

Ask your dh to explain that the baby is too young and still bonding with you and dh and you will be breastfeeding for the foreseeable future. When you are ready to let baby sleep out you will let her know. Don't feel bad she has deliberately manipulated this situation. Do it when u and your dh are ready.

Christ alive, is she ill maybe? That is totally ridiculous.

My mother was the Waltons of mothers and did have the grandchildren for sleepovers from being about 9 months old but she only did it when asked or it was suggested.

This woman has no boundaries at all.

She is utterly nuts! YANBU!!!!!!!! Please don't let anyone gaslight you into feeling guilty or in the wrong in this situation. Your MIL is clearly extremely selfish and not thinking about your child's best interests!!!!!

Why do so many MILs on here seem to want to overstep boundaries? They've had their children.
I hope if I am ever lucky enough to be a MIL, I'd respect the parents and wait to be asked.

I wouldn’t be sending links about breastfeeding.

That sort of thing doesn’t work with people like that.

You need to be direct and say that you will not be doing sleepovers and it’s not up for discussion.

What she chooses to do with that (cry/throw a tantrum) isn’t your responsibility.