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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

313 replies

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

OP posts:
wkakso · 03/01/2023 07:10

But maybe these are things you want to do but they aren't so fussed about but go along with it to make you happy.

Original poster
Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:11

Fair point. I'll try and reflect on that. Thanks

OP posts:
SaintKilda · 03/01/2023 07:11

You equate good times with spending money. So yes it's a bit unreasonable

HangryFeminist · 03/01/2023 07:12

I don’t think you are an idiot, at all, but perhaps you should cut back on your hours and not pay for the expensive trips. If anything is said, just say “you told me to work less hours and now I can’t afford to pay for you all as well as my kids/husband”.

Perhaps look at cheaper ways of seeing them, if you can, and cut back on hours.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/01/2023 07:12

Your not an idiot. I can understand why you feel upset and your family absolutely should be thanking you for the nice things you do for them (for the effort and financial burden).

However, as you predicted, I do think the answer is to just stop doing it, or to just do what you feel comfortable with doing without feeling resentment. If your parents/sibling can’t afford these trips, maybe as a family you should find more affordable ways to be together, so everyone can contribute in a way that is accessible to them and the burden doesn’t go to one person.

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 07:13

Quality time is more valuable than expensive trips. There's no point paying out all that money then being too exhausted to enjoy it or only being able to give time to your family that fits around your work.

GlitterSquid · 03/01/2023 07:14

Not all treasures are silver and gold, mate.

Curiosity101 · 03/01/2023 07:15

How do you imagine they would react if you stop doing it?

Maybe they go along with all the expensive stuff to keep you happy. Maybe "you really need to work less hard" really means "stop spending all this money. I'd rather you had an easier time of life than that we had all these fancy things"

upfucked · 03/01/2023 07:16

But if they said no to the panto and the cottage it wouldn’t have made you work less. Do you want to work fewer hours? Or do you feel pressure and are you blaming them for your choices?

DomesticShortHair · 03/01/2023 07:16

I do the same with my cat. I give her dreamies because I know she likes them and they make her happy, and I want her to like me and give me some attention in return.

She, on the other hand, just takes them and wanders off. Any reaction that I hope I’ll get is entirely on me, she’s under no obligation to feel how I want her to feel or react. Am I disappointed- yes. Is it entirely my problem- yes.

MintyFreshOne · 03/01/2023 07:17

SaintKilda · 03/01/2023 07:11

You equate good times with spending money. So yes it's a bit unreasonable

I feel this is unfair. She’s spending money on experiences that you couldn’t get by gathering on a back porch with mugs of tea.

Both have their place

picklemewalnuts · 03/01/2023 07:17

You need to reevaluate. Check that your priorities are the way you want them to be.

If you are working hard, pushing hard, for more money and a better lifestyle that allows you to treat your extended family and that is what you want, then it's fine.
If you are doing it for 'success', to impress them, to fulfil a need to be responsible, then maybe it's not actually what you should be doing.

Generally if we are happy with our choices and priorities then we aren't bothered by what other people say. We know they are wrong.

As you are bothered, check yourself out!

Canuck48 · 03/01/2023 07:18

Time to stop being the family bank. They expect it and are taking advantage. And or are completely oblivious.

Take a step back and realize it’s not worth it. It is worth more to have time off with your children and spouse. It’s important to have financial security for your children and DH but I wouldn’t work more to do extra for your brother and his family especially as it takes away from your own family time.

In the end, you will resent it. They won’t appreciate it. Maybe decide on a budget and do one experience of you want ie a night out to a Christmas themed thing you like and that is it. It’s not on you to finance everything. Everyone can live within their means and still make the holidays meaningful.

TeaAndToastest · 03/01/2023 07:21

I feel like this too, op- I regularly pay for trips etc for my family (or we “split the bill” but in a way which means I pay more). There is very little appreciation from them.

Your post has actually been an eye opener for me as I’ve just sort of accepted that this is how things are (as have they) but of course they needn’t be.

I think perhaps people just assume that, if you’re paying, you must be happy to pay. They may not be as bothered as you are by the lovely things. I think your options (which are also my options) are to continue or to stop. I don’t think there's a way forward which involves them suddenly appreciating all you’ve done, being grateful, making the link between your hard work and being able to pay for things etc.

The more uncomfortable truth is that they may not be that fussed either way, and of course that if you no longer pay you no longer have the same degree of control.

OffredsNose · 03/01/2023 07:21

Just stop doing it and if they mention it say you’ve taken their advice and are now working less, hence no longer have the money

StaceySolomonSwash · 03/01/2023 07:21

DomesticShortHair · 03/01/2023 07:16

I do the same with my cat. I give her dreamies because I know she likes them and they make her happy, and I want her to like me and give me some attention in return.

She, on the other hand, just takes them and wanders off. Any reaction that I hope I’ll get is entirely on me, she’s under no obligation to feel how I want her to feel or react. Am I disappointed- yes. Is it entirely my problem- yes.

That is a brilliant analogy. @Bigcrane maybe give some thought as to why you feel that spending money seems to have more importance to you than just being with those who love you?

Your mum and SIL may be worried you're going to burn yourself out plus with young children it's the being there for them that matters, not where.

You can have an equally good time whether you're staying in an expensive cottage or whether you bring a couple of chairs round to auntie Jane's so you can all be together at new year.

icelollycraving · 03/01/2023 07:22

Have you never replied that the trips and treats would need to stop then?
Sometimes I find that people will happily take without much thought of the implications.
Working hard is fine, shows ambition and is setting you up for a good career. Always good to show children that both parents can work hard.

TeaAndToastest · 03/01/2023 07:24

DomesticShortHair · 03/01/2023 07:16

I do the same with my cat. I give her dreamies because I know she likes them and they make her happy, and I want her to like me and give me some attention in return.

She, on the other hand, just takes them and wanders off. Any reaction that I hope I’ll get is entirely on me, she’s under no obligation to feel how I want her to feel or react. Am I disappointed- yes. Is it entirely my problem- yes.

Great post.

Perditanoy · 03/01/2023 07:24

It's ultimately your decision to spend this amount of money on everyone and work like crazy to afford it. You are under no obligation and can't complain when they don't react in the way you expect/ imagine. There are plenty of cheaper ways to spend time together - why don't you look at those? Also explore why you feel the need to bankroll everything and spend all this money? One special trip is fine but you've literally paid for everything

Draconis · 03/01/2023 07:25

Would you all have had a good time if you hadn't done all those things but just been together for Xmas and done free or cheap stuff? A walk on a beach or at a local nature area?
Gone to see the city lights? Drinks at a pub?
Everyone could have shared expenses for food and drinks.

Maybe you don't need to do what you do for all of you to have a good time?

Of course, the fact that you do it is really generous and they should be thankful. Do they feel embarrassed that you're paying for it all?

Sussexlass84 · 03/01/2023 07:26

Sorry to hear this OP...I'm wondering how it's decided that you should pay for these things?

Do they ask? Suggest it? Or do you offer?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/01/2023 07:27

You sound lovely OP, but please stop paying for everything, it's not on you to create everyone's else's happiness.

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 03/01/2023 07:36

I'd stop treating them to extras asap as they clearly don't appreciate it.

Focus on you and your immediate family's happiness in 2023.

Newmindset2022 · 03/01/2023 07:37

I think OP just wants them to be grateful for what she does… it doesn’t matter if it’s a coffee from the cafe or expensive treats like this - you expect a bit of gratitude - and let’s face it brother and SIL kids would not experience the things they have without aunties money….
If you want to do things like this for others, then maybe next time go somewhere cheaper and spend quality time or ask for each person to put their hand in their pocket and even pay a portion

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 03/01/2023 07:38

My sister does this, and I do to a degree also. I think primarily because my other sibling and our parents wouldn't be able to afford things so they pay for us also to make it fair when they plan a trip or treat. Even though I'd rather pay for my family to attend and feel bad and try to make it up in a different way. I also pay for holidays or trips or dinners for us all etc, but less.

I've similarly said to my sister that I think they need to work less, because they work constantly and are tired and stressed. We all wouldn't mind if we were all hanging out together at the family house, cooking, or getting takeaway, rather than being away - it's about getting together when we live apart. They instigate the treats. We work hard also in London, but nothing compared to the hours they put in. We'd all much rather they had more of a work life balance and less stress, and just do simpler things. I think it can make people feel awkward and indebted a bit to constantly pay for things also - I know my BIL feels like this so we try to reign it in