I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

No one needs paid-for kids activities when away with family or panto or Santa day at a theme park. They aren't what makes a family Christmas fun. What about going for a walk, playing games, sitting chatting, making nice meals and cocktails etc.

I absolutely detest social medica for influencing and manipulating our thinking when it comes to what makes kids' lives fun, and it's especially bad at Christmas. I remember being taken to the panto as a kid. I didn't really enjoy it. Thought the humour was old-fashioned and the whole "he's behind you!" pathetic. I DO remember the adults who had taken me constantly looking at me to "see how much I was enjoying it". I couldn't have cared less if we hadn't gone. My kids have always rolled their eyes at them too and never knew who the "stars" were that we were paying all that money for. i used to take them to a smaller theatre in our city where the shows were much more interesting, but no ex soap stars or lame jokes. Just proper theatre! It was much cheaper.

As for the constant Santa experiences you see on social media. Kids find it all a bit overwhelming. They find the magic in the little things.

Perhaps if life were a bit "smaller" we would all enjoy it a bit more. OP, perhaps all your family go along with what you plan because they think it's YOU that is getting most out of it. Would they still want to do it if they had the money to do it but had to pay for themselves? People prioritise - they put stuff into "things I will pay for because I love doing them" and "things I will do if someone else pays because they love doing them and I find them ok" and "things I just won't do because I hate doing them, paid or not".

Put your family first. Have you enough money to fund university fir kids, help them on property market etc?

are you trying to buy or get your family’s affection through these purchases?

Are they even grateful?

Your working less would mean more to them than the holidays and days out.

No one can understand your family dynamic from a one sided post but YABU to feel under appreciated and upset, but it suggests they might have hit a nerve.

People are motivated by different things and people have different arenas in which they like to express them self best. For some this work, others home, or hobbies. Perhaps work is an important part of your self expression that they don't understand? Perhaps they're worried you're going to burn out, or that you'll regret having taken on so much once your kids a grown. (Not everyone does, but societal attitudes tend to assume one will.)

It sounds to me like they're worried about your work life balance. Maybe they're wrong and should mind their own business only you can decide that. Good luck.

sounds to me like they care more about your well-being than trips or outings, which is a good thing

but yes of course they should say thank you.

Or does it make you feel important?
This is interesting thought. My sister went through the stage of much bigger income and she noticeably changed and behaved like she’s more important and became less inclined to listen others.

You could tell them all how much Christmas extras cost you this year and say they enjoyed it and want you to organise it again for next year, you'll be setting up a savings account that they can pay into monthly between now and then.

I agree with some posters on here.
Why are you spending all this money?
You could have had a great time at home eating snacks, playing games and having a laugh, all whilst making memories.
No need to move heaven and earth and spend thousands to "show" your family you love them.
Sounds like you're trying to buy their love.

I thinks it’s their way of telling you that you don’t need to do it.
It can be quite humiliating sometimes being the one who is always paid for because what you can afford yourselves is deemed not good enough.

But why must her family pay for it? Did they ask OP for an elaborate Christmas?

I would personally send them a group message saying you have decided to take there advice and work less this year and that means you will no longer be able to pay for xyz etc see what there reaction really is? Also preparing them to save for there own treats so you don't just cut them off unprepared

I agree with this.

It sounds like OP chooses and pays for the activities and then the families feel like they’ve to attend.

I definitely wouldn’t want to be the one paid for all the time.
They’re telling you they don’t want these things. Listen to them.

I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it.

Do they want these expensive trips and outings or do they go along with it because they want to spend time with you? Are your mum and sister trying to tell you that you don't need to put your hand in your pocket to get time together? Are they perhaps also gently implying that it is exhausting having to feel in a perpetual state of gratitude to Lady Bountiful?

I wouldn’t do this. This is really cringe. No announcement is needed.

I agree.

Totally agree.

That's such an obnoxious message to send

Agree. Don’t be an arse and just pull back from spending and do it subtly. You can still treat your parents to a meal out etc. They will all likely be relieved

I think sometimes unless you point out how much things are, people do not get it.

I would work less and spend less and see if they notice.

OP, I think you are making the common mistake of good people everywhere which is to sacrifice themselves for others, without being asked to, and then to expect others to appreciate the sacrifice.

Is it possible that the family would be just as happy getting together at each others' houses, everyone sharing the cooking cost and labour by bringing a dish, skippong the panto or chipping in for tickets or going to the am dram one at the village hall for a fraction of the cost?

Would it be worth reflecting on how you would like to live, for yourself, on your own terms? Would you like to work less hard and have more time? Would you be OK with the less glam get togethers? Would you feel out of kilter if you no longer had the role of provider? Could you reposition yourself in the family?

If on reflection you realise you love being the hard working benefactor for all, and it gives you a role and a benign power within the family, then keep going but without feeling sorry for yourself. If however, you feel worn out and under appreciated, step back, reduce your hours and tell people you took their advice but it means you can no longer foot the bill and you're excited to jointly come up with plans for get togethers where everyone chips in.

Who is organising all this? If it is you and your are not happy about paying for it (as evidenced by this post) you need to question why you actually do it?

Is it about validation? Reinforcing status? A display of wealth? Buying love?

Maybe your family members aren't bothered at all and that is why they suggest that you work less. Maybe they are aware that you are doing too much and that you needn't.

I think it’s absolutely lovely that you want to spend your hard-earned money on your family. Yes people are saying money isn’t everything but the reality is that it’s nice to do nice things with those you love. And sadly in this day and age, a lot (not saying all) of that involves spending money.

It sounds like your Mum hasn’t really made the connection. Perhaps it’s worth gently explaining to her that her comments are upsetting and she’s not seeing the bigger picture.

PS if they want to do the same this year, they are more than welcome to pay!!

I also want to say good for you, OP, for being so receptive to comments.

If you really do want to make memories with your family and to see them all happy (which is lovely of you), without such a burden, they have given you an opening.

Could you say to them (not via text, in person, in a relaxed way!). i really enjoyed spending so much time with you all this Christmas. I've been reflecting on what you said and I agree with you that I need to try to work a bit less hard this year and so my resolution is to switch to organising fewer activities and trips so that I can afford to take more time away from work. Was there anything that you particularly enjoyed so that I can give thought to what I'd want to prioritise next year?"

See what they say - you might be surprised to hear what they value - you don't have to do what they value, but it is much better to hear what they much prefer Christmas lights over panto or whatever than to feel that if you don't do both everyone is feeling like they really miss out.

My DH is incredibly generous and loves buying gifts. I hate receiving gifts, I live a very simple life and don't like having nice things as I'm very clumsy and inevitably end up breaking or losing them and feel guilty that I've wrecked something. When my DH buys me expensive gifts I say thank you but I don't put on a big show because tbh if I had £ i would spend it day to day stuff I actually need to replace rather than jewellery/gifts that I don't need or want. The process of giving gifts is more about him than it is me to be honest. It takes away the choice of the person receiving the gift. This year I asked him to not give me a gift and I really appreciated it.
My DP are well off and buy my children a lot at Christmas, it's always clothes and a big toy which makes DPIL gift of a toy look small. However my DP don't spend the time building a relationship with my kids so the toys are often not appropriate. And I would much rather they popped round for a coffee every couple of weeks and mucked about with the kids rather than spending ££ at Christmas and birthdays.

I wonder how many of the people saying “you don’t need a holiday, or the panto or to spend money to have fun” have had a holiday, gone to the theatre or done a paid activity with their family this year.

The suggestion that OP is mercenary for doing these things is peak mumsnet.