I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

[glasshole]

I went through a phase of having much more disposable income than my sister and another time my best friend. I paid for 75-100% of our activities as I wanted to do them and wanted them to do it with me. I wanted us all to enjoy it. The alternative was me doing it Alone or not at all. For me it very much was NOT about the money. Note the strain is flipped and my sister pays for the lions share. Swings and roundabouts?

Are they bothered about going to a lovely cottage? Or do they feel they are going just because YOU want to. Not everybody is fussed about things like that. My DH. Would happily never go out on another day trip or holiday again ( hence me recruiting others).

[AlwaysGinPlease]

@piedbeauty

Who suggests all the Christmas trips? How does it come about that you pay for everything? Do your family thank you?

Didn't you say to your mum ' if I work less hard I won't be able to spend thousands on you all at Christmas'? If so, what was the reaction? If you didn't, why not?

What's your relationship like generally with your family?

This. All of it!

[CousinKrispy]

Hi OP. Just wanted to say I understand the difficulty (though I'm not in the position of being able to pay for family myself, haha). I know it's easy to say "just stop paying for expensive trips" but it doesn't sound like you're booking anything unreasonably luxurious ... for several people, cottage rental or panto tickets do add up fast but, while they're unfortunately out of the reach of many people, it's not like it's a luxury cruise round the world. And those things are NICE to do ... hopefully your family would be equally happy to see you for a free walk on the beach (though there's still transportation costs!) or a chat over coffee, but a week in a cottage or going to the panto is presumably enjoyable for them. I know I return to my memories of happy family holidays again and again and same goes for my daughter and other family members, we talk them over often and going for a walk on the beach for a couple of hours wouldn't be the same as a week away together!

I wonder if it's a roundabout way of saying "It really sucks that you have to work so hard" (rather than advice to cut your hours back) and is therefore a very subtle acknowledgment of the sacrifice you're making for them? Do they never say thank you at all when you announce you've booked the panto tickets or whatever?

[sjxoxo]

Take it as a compliment that you make it look so easy they think you could still earn great money with less hours’ work!!

Be more careful about footing the bill.. don’t do it if it’s making you resentful. Xxx

[CousinKrispy]

Also just wanted to add that of course attitudes toward money within a family are soooooo complicated. I can talk more openly about finances with some of my sisters but with one of them it's a no-go area. In theory you OUGHT to be able to have a frank discussion with them about how much they can contribute to these outings, whether they feel entirely comfortable with you paying or not, set budgets for family get-togethers, etc. But I know that in practice this can be terribly difficult!!

[Littlewhitecat]

What's the general family dynamic like OP? I was in a similar situation where I organised all family get togethers ( and not expensive stuff either) and similar comments were made to me. I stopped doing it to see what would happen. Turned out I was the social glue that held my very dysfunctional family together. I'm now blamed for the fracturing of my wider family. Made me realise I was subconsciously doing all this because I knew what would happen if I didn't. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Could this be why you feel compelled to do all of this?

[Benjispruce4]

Are they asking or expecting you to pay the bulk? Whose idea was it?
Any future trips should be shared equally and be afforded for all. If you want to treat something make it for a special birthday or anniversary and it doesn’t have to involve you paying for everyone and everything. Nobody expects that. I would feel uncomfortable accepting that.
Work the hours you need to supply our family and the lifestyle you are happy with, nobody else’s.

[Benjispruce4]

Typos! Support your family not supply.

[CatJumperTwat]

I think they're sending a clear message - "You don't need to spend all this money on us. We'd rather you looked after yourself." That you've taken it completely the opposite way and assumed they're ungrateful and oblivious is quite sad.

[jjeoreo]

@LetsDoThis2023

Me. I have some friends and family with lots of money and some with less. These are conversations we would have if one member of the group offered to pay for us to do something special.

Maybe I'm absurd. Willing to take that on board. It seems the consensus here is that comments like "you shouldn't work so hard" or "we're worried about tired you seem" actually mean "we just want to spend quality time with you, you don't need to buy us stuff". The latter seems taboo somehow.

I think other posters who have said have an honest conversation about it have got the right idea, whatever that looks like in your family OP.

[TeaAndToastest]

@Creepinglight

I actually don’t agree that this is a good analogy. We are not cats. As humans we understand relationships are reciprocal. When we give, we expect to get something back, whether it’s thanks, appreciation or a gift in kind in return. Without this, we feel we are being treated unfairly and eventually feel hurt, or bitterness or resentment.
The only exception to this is parents with very small children, where you do give and give and expect nothing back.
But after early infancy we teach children to say thank you, as we know they will not form successful relationships if they cannot show appreciation. It’s absolutely fundamental and relationships wither and die without it.

I think this presupposes that the family actually want or expect OP to do be doing all this stuff. Maybe they do, but there is nothing in her post to suggest it.

Perhaps OP feels resentful at being unappreciated and the family feel resentful at being expected to feel indebted for things they didn't want in the first place.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Time to stop being such a martyr. Even your Mother is telling you to stop bankrolling it.

So just stop!

Or does it make you feel important?

I think you need to work out why you keep doing it.

[ridiculoso82]

Do they get “what”?

that you like to spend a load of money?

probably but given you make absolutely zero indication that ask for you to spend the lonely or even hint to you that they want you to… I reckon you do it because you want to and they’re not fussed either way

[ridiculoso82]

Lonely should read money

[Squabbledee]

Maybe they feel like you're shaming them a bit to be more verbally appreciative.

[Littlepuddytat]

Maybe your mum is worried about how you're working yourself into the ground to pay for things that aren't really necessary. You could spend time together without pantos, santa trips and holiday cottages.

[Allsnotwell]

I would feel awkward if my sibling paid for everything - and to be fair I could pay for a huge trip with everyone - but they would feel awkward - and it unbalanced the relationships.

I have poor friends - we go for coffee - I have rich friends we have weekends away - I have friends where we save for a Christmas meal.

Everyone’s different and we should stick to the lowest persons budget - because we want them to feel valued no brought.

[Allsnotwell]

Maybe your mum is worried about how you're working yourself into the ground to pay for things that aren't really necessary

Maybe your mum is telling you these trips are wasted on ungrateful family? Maybe they aren’t as poor as you think!

[pizzaHeart]

I agree that you need to stop paying for this. It’s not good that no one said “thank you” to you and it looked like they didn’t appreciate your efforts. However it’s difficult to say what was the reason behind this.
It could be that they used to it and they just entitled t**s (sorry, I know it’s your relatives) But it might be that they were not interested in doing this otherwise and only joined as you paid . They felt a bit awkward to say “no” so instead they were saying that you should work less = spend less on these activities. If they would thank you profusely it would look like they loved it and wanted more but it’s not true.
It doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with you. They might want to do it differently. My parents would rather have big family barbecue then go to a theater. I would rather go to a theatre.
Also your brother and his wife could feel pressure that they should organise something like this or share expenses whereas they couldn’t afford it (or again want to prioritize something different) hence their reluctance to say something.

[fruitbrewhaha]

They probably feel a bit guilty. They know you work hard and struggle to juggle and therefore feel an awkwardness at profiting from your hard work with such a lovely treat. But you don’t work hard for them, do you?

They should be bloody grateful though. I’d Send a thank you card, and get the kids to make you one, plus take you out for dinner or have you over for a lovely dinner/lunch. There are lots of ways they can reciprocate without spending as much.

[Abigail69]

Hi OP

IMo, I don't think you will ever change but you are not an "idiot."
You are a credit to your family.

[Onnabugeisha]

I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

While I agree they should absolutely be saying thank you when you are paying for holidays, activities and such, I was wondering in the context of a relative who is a workaholic they might not want to encourage you by making you feel good by thanking you. They sound very worried about you and rightly want you to cut back on work. I think they absolutely get the link between your hard work and the good times you pay for- how could they not? They’re all adults and they know where honest money comes from.

I think they’d much rather a happy and healthy you than trips away in cottages with fun activities. You don’t need to spend money to have good times as a family. Even free picnics at a park can result in very good times!

[JessicaBrassica]

Are you hourly paid? Or working for a big bonus? Does working more hours give you more money? If you're working unpaid overtime then they probably have more of a point.
If you're just working hard, being tired, not seeing enough of your kids then decide on your priorities. There's no requirement for you to fund everyone else.

[Onnabugeisha]

I was trying to say this as to why they’re not thanking you
If they would thank you profusely it would look like they loved it and wanted more but it’s not true.

[Kanaloa]

@Onnabugeisha

I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

While I agree they should absolutely be saying thank you when you are paying for holidays, activities and such, I was wondering in the context of a relative who is a workaholic they might not want to encourage you by making you feel good by thanking you. They sound very worried about you and rightly want you to cut back on work. I think they absolutely get the link between your hard work and the good times you pay for- how could they not? They’re all adults and they know where honest money comes from.

I think they’d much rather a happy and healthy you than trips away in cottages with fun activities. You don’t need to spend money to have good times as a family. Even free picnics at a park can result in very good times!

Surely if they’re so worried and don’t want op to work hard for their benefit they would stop accepting the gifts? Honestly if a relative of mine was working extremely hard and regularly paying for expensive luxuries for me I would not accept/would accept only if I could afford to pay my own way.

OP, I would simply take their advice at face value. So much in my life became easier when I started to take people at their word. If they didn’t mean it then they shouldn’t have said it - I don’t twist myself in knots trying to discover what people ‘really mean.’

I would say ‘huh, you’re right, I think I will drop my hours a little bit and find more time to relax! Thanks mum/sister.’ And then I would drop my hours and take ‘whole family holiday cottage’ out of my budget.