I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

It's your money. You can rearrange it to be spent as you want. Hopefully the relatives will still be good.

I agree with @BloodAndFire - you made
out that your SIL and Brother were freeloading when actually they’ve paid their share of the cottage. I think you’d have got very different responses if you’d included that bit of information in your op.

Tell your parents they need to pay
if you want the money - don’t martyr yourself, and take a break from organising things. It may be that they’re not that fussed but it’s easy to go along with it when you’re doing all the planning.

As much as all you do and have done is wonderful and so kind, try not to be such a ‘people pleaser’. It doesn’t matter how much money you have thrown at whatever event you’ve paid for in the past or in the future, as longs as you’re all together, that’s what counts. Money is nice to have, and it’s lovely you want to spoil everyone and do nice things, but surely you can do those nice things together without having to splash out tons of money. They may not even be bothered about the extra stuff, just being there with one another is the main thing, that’s important, not how much things cost.

maybe take a step back from paying for everything, and suggest some ‘free’ get togethers. I get you want family to be appreciative, but they probably just think you will do all these nice things with or without a thanks. It might be worth rethinking your next get together and just do it without paying for it all. You don’t need money to have a fab time.

You are being really unfair to SIL given that she paid her third. If it should have been more then the time to speak up would have been during the booking process.
You have a communication problem with your parents. Maybe they are freeloaders or maybe they want you to stop organising expensive stuff that they aren’t arsed about. We don’t know and neither do you because you book tickets and events but don’t actually communicate with them. It’s easy to stop. Instead of “I’ve booked panto tickets for us all on the 21st” then either say “we are planning to go to Cinderella at x theatre on the 21st. If anyone wants to join I’ll let you know our seat numbers.” Or “thinking about panto this year. Ideally like to go the week before Xmas. I don’t mind Cinderella and x theatre or Snow White at y theatre but open to suggestions. Does anyone else want to go? Happy to book for everyone so we can sit together if you forward £x. Just bowling ahead and booking shit without talking isn’t working.

So stop doing it if you don't get the feedback you wish for.
What I think you do want is to be fulsomely thanked, to be the family marvel. The organiser, the payer, the caring sibling.
Your family may go along as someone has said, to keep all happy. They might not want it all. They might feel embarrassed by it. The holiday might not be their idea of one but don't know how to say so.
Acknowledgements come when people are truly pleased and happy with a situation and a kindness that has occurred.
If people get a sense they are part of some sort of image being satisfied ie. they are part of a picture showing others how much you care about family etc, it will be most off-putting.

I think that's hit the nail on the head. You might be better off working out what you can do either for free, or that involves an equal financial contribution from everyone. Is there any reason for the comments about them hoping you work less? Do you seem stressed? Or have little time for things other than work? They may genuinely be more interested in your wellbeing than the trips away etc.

This. Have you said that? As then the connection is made, at least verbally, by you.

Would you actually work less if you didn’t have these (treat related) outgoings? Is part of the annoyance actually the implication that they know better, that they’re saying you working hard is a negative aspect of your personality, while seemingly they’re enjoying the positive output of that - and not appreciating your success and something (your career) you feel is an achievement? So actually not about the treats at all, but about how much you might feel they know and appreciate you as a person?

No good deed goes unpunished!

You want gratitude but shouldnt the point of doing something nice for someone just be in the giving and the warm feeling it gives you to be able to do that for them?

You should stop paying for these treats if it isn’t making you happy anymore - that’s ok, to stop you know?

I do think your family could be a bit more gracious, but speaking as the mother of a career daughter with 2 under 5s, I bloody worry about her overworking and picking up nearly all the childcare and housework as well.

I do what I can, so does the other gran, and she does now have a cleaner, but I really worry about her burning out.

I'm so proud of her, and tell her so, but she works so hard. Maybe your mum feels the same but is expressing it badly?

I think you know very well that they dont connect the two and now just expect you to pay. I also think you know very well that they dont truly appreciate all your kind efforts and are taking advantage more than a little bit.

I think you know all this and you know the answer is to just stop doing it but the real question here is WHY dont you want to stop? What is behind your need (or even compulsion) to do all this?- I suspect its the old classic of people pleasing, feeling that if you dont do this it might mean you arent a "nice/good person" (it doesnt btw). I would have a good think about what it means to you to stop doing this and what feelings/fears this might raise within you about your own self worth/self value. Other questions to ponder: do you feel really uncomfortable saying no to people? do you often put others needs above your own? do you constantly feel exhausted trying to keep everyone happy? do you feel in some way that other people's happiness is your responsibility? if someone feels sad, do you automatically think it might be something you have done to cause it? if the answer is yes to most of these then you are people pleasing and you really need to stop doing that because you will end up damaging yourself- both mentally and physically. If you recognise that this might be the case, I really recommend the book "not nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura.

Stop paying. Next outing is to the park. Or a free museum. Save your money for your kids to go to university, to learn to drive, get a deposit on a first home, whatever. I wouldn't spend it on people who a) aren't grateful and b) who are actively rude about your work.

My sister is a very high earner and treats the wider family and kids to many things. Everyone does appreciate it and realise she works very hard. However, at the same time, particularly our parents wish she didn’t have to work so hard.

I hear you 100%!!
Selfish bastards but we love them 😂

Not really the topic, but I quite often see posts where people know that they earn more or less than family members.
Is it common to know and discuss these things?

I have a rough idea what my sibling's income range is, based on what they do, their housing, life style etc, but we never actually talk about our salaries.

But did anyone ask you to book such pricey activities?

I have DC a similar age to yours and we have had a genuinely fun and lovely December without needing a Theme Park trip to see Santa (which must have cost you hundreds for all of you!).

Christmas is exciting enough without needing to do the big whizzy activities on offer (or maybe do one of them but not more).

I’d be very grateful if my sibling paid for a day out for DD and I but they’d know how much I appreciated it and I certainly wouldn’t let them keep treating us to more and more expensive activities.

Isn’t them suggesting you should “stop working so hard” just a nicer and indirect way of saying “stop wasting all this money on extravagant trips for us all?”

just because they can’t afford to take themselves doesn’t mean they want to go. It seems like you expect them to fawn over you in gratitude but that’s a strange family dynamic to desire. Also it would personally make me feel uncomfortable having my SIL pay to take me away.

all the best opp

Think of yourself look after yourself
They really wouldn't mind if you didn't do this much.

It will only lead into resentment

What about doing mini break away for your parents only let them go by themselves .

So basically your DB/SIL paid their fair share and you didn't ask your parents for their share and so you are moaning about your Mum and SIL telling you to work less 'while sitting in the cottage I paid for'. Do you just enjoy the feeling a bit too much of paying for everyone? Your working too much or not is down to you OP, don't blame others for it. Deal with it.

OMG SO ANGRY AT ALL THESE RESPONSES.

I think OP is upset by the hypocrisy of her mum both accepting her generosity and simultaneously putting pressure on her to focus more on her kids.

its NOTHING to do with OP being a martyr and everything to do with wildly unfair expectations placed on women.

It also happens around “make sure you get a good pension / spend more time w kids” or “don’t become too dependent/ make sure you spend more time w kids”… It’s all bullshit OP and I hope you call them out on it.

btw I think it’s totally fine for you to pay for others and I don’t think you’re being a “martyr”. I also think it’s totally fine, when a person places these wildly unrealistic expectations on you while also enjoying your hospitality, that you fucking remind them that you can’t actually have it all.

aaaaaaaaaand breathe 🧘‍♀️

Communicate how you feel. Start to drop it in to conversation. About working less and paying for less treats etc. so they start to understand. You can still have nice days out for free with your parents, beaches parks etc. If you want to take them on holiday from time to time you still can. Your children aren’t going to remember where you stayed or cared how much it costs. It’s about quality time and memories.

Sorry, but more fool you. Pay for your parents by all means but sounds like you pay for these things without being asked so you can’t really complain about it

You do realise when someone says they like something it doesn’t mean they want it.

I got to the point around Dh where I had to be careful what I said because he would think I wanted something because I commented that something looked nice
Equally sometimes people say things out of politeness
Just because I agreed that going on holiday with an other couple sounded nice.
It was the last thing I wanted to do.
Sometimes it is out of politeness

I think that was their way of acknowledging how hard you work to provide all those experiences and their way of saying you have permission not to do it and they are letting you know they are neither asking or expecting you to provide the experiences. If they really felt the need to do all those things they would work for it themselves. But they don't. They choose to work less hard and think you should consider doing the same.
At the end of the day if a family member says I've booked and paid for this experience for us all it would be a bit rude to say no wouldn't it? They are all going to keep you happy. I've no doubt they enjoy it too. But I doubt it is as high on their priority list as it is yours.
Personally I'd be annoyed if one of my sisters wanted to do so much with me over Christmas, but that's me 😅

I really sympathise. Just stop doing anything for brother and wife - no more expensive stuff. Ma and Pa OK but ask for contributions or scale right back on treats saying you cannot afford it. My SIL told me I was going back to work to early when they all knew full well their brother was sponging off me.