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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

313 replies

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 03/01/2023 07:38

It would be much worse if they encouraged you to keep working hard to pay for their fun. They care enough about you to be worried about your health. They may well realise that might mean you paying for less. There's no indication that they'd resent it if you stopped paying for stuff.

DuploMum · 03/01/2023 07:39

I think you're an idiot yes. Why would you pay for all these things for people?!

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2023 07:40

youre paying tousands of pounds for a trip -theres jsut no need

maybe them saying slow downis a way of saying you dont have to do this all the time

Catterpillarwithconverse · 03/01/2023 07:41

What did you say when they said you should work less? This seems to have been an opportunity for to you explain why you work so much and how you've paid for the bulk of the holiday. It seems like you felt a bit attacked and maybe shut down rather than have an open conversation about it with them.

Procrastinatingfrommess · 03/01/2023 07:45

Do you think they say it out of guilt? They feel bad for accepting the things you do and recognise that you work hard? It may not necessarily come from a place of malice, is what I’m trying to say.

Carriemac · 03/01/2023 07:45

It's very hypocritical of them to enjoy your hospitality then censure you for working too hard . Just say , seriously next time - are you happy not to do this next year? Or will you pay for this next year not me? If the agree then let them pay or stop doing it

Remona · 03/01/2023 07:48

How do these outings and trips come about? Does your family ask for them or do you offer? There’s a world of difference between the two.

If you are suggesting/organising these trips because YOU want to do nice things for your family, then this is entirely on you.

I can understand you wanting to treat your family but it sounds like you have taken it too far. It’s now become the norm. They expect it and you’re beginning to resent it.

Simple solution - stop doing it.

jjeoreo · 03/01/2023 07:51

I get this.

My husband earns a lot (mumsnet cliché innit) and as the years have gone by, pays more and more for family events like these. His mother often complains about how hard he works and how she barely gets to see him when she stays. He paid for all of Christmas and took her away for an expensive weekend at the beginning of the month to a spa. I did feel, when he was up working late again and she stated to grumble, that I had to say something in his defence. I think the thing is, people get used to a certain level of "niceness" but don't like to admit to themselves where that niceness comes from sometimes. It's a bit of a moral squeamishness. No one likes to think they are materialistic but we all enjoy fancy trips and comfortable accommodation, right?

I personally think yes, I'd also want to hear..."thanks for treating us to all these lovely things. We really enjoy them and we recognise how hard you work to make them happen". Then by all means they might go on go say "...but we'd be just as happy to do hot chocolate in auntie Jane's garden so don't run yourself into the ground for us". That's just self awareness surely.

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 07:51

Do they want to go to the panto or a fancy cottage or is that something you choose to do for them? There are really two separate issues - your mother thinks you work too hard (and may even feel guilty because she thinks you’re doing it to buy them them nice experiences), and you feel they don’t appreciate the nice times you buy for them - and it sounds like they don’t. If you feel your work life balance is fine then reassure your mum that you’re happy with it and you don’t work too hard. If you are working too hard then that’s a different issue. Also, are you doing these trips/experience because you want to do them? If your parents are struggling would they rather have the cash? A regular supermarket delivery? Because it sounds a bit like you want them to be grateful for playing a supporting role in your Disney family fantasy rather than considering what they really want or need.

SchrodingersKettle · 03/01/2023 07:55

Maybe this year you could make a resolution to put the money aside in savings, and see what it’s like if you don’t organise lots of paid-for stuff?

Being the benevolent aunt/daughter is lovely, but perhaps it is creating some feelings of inadequacy in your family and they feel guilty they can’t reciprocate? Plus maybe they worry you are on the hamster wheel trying to keep all this going.

I wouldn’t assume they are ungrateful, more that they are concerned for you and want your happiness above your money.

Waterfallgirl · 03/01/2023 07:55

I’m interested on how all this came about @Bigcrane ?

When did you start paying for everything, which is now become the norm?

Id be inclined to say, for next Christmas, the cottage will be £xx and that would be £x per couple /person/ family.

What would happen if you did this?

Vallmo47 · 03/01/2023 07:57

The only way to find out how they truly feel is to cut back on work, cut back on activities and give them exactly what they say they want - just your time. You can have a lovely time with family anywhere.
I think maybe these things are more important to you than they are to them - OR they’re really ungrateful for them and don’t understand the cost involved. Either way, it’s probably time you stop paying for everyone else. It’s not appreciated, they think you’re doing too much and so do you.

MiniCooperLover · 03/01/2023 08:02

Whose choice was the fancy panto and the nice cottage? Yours or theirs? If yours is there an element of 'look at me, look at what I can provide for you'. Do you feel that if you don't then they won't make the effort to spend time with you?

Gloschick · 03/01/2023 08:03
  1. You may be working too hard. Have a think about why they were saying that. Were you frazzled, taking work calls etc?
  1. I think you should have an honest conversation with them all. What do they want? If I could afford £1k for my half of a Christmas cottage, but my sister insisted on paying £3k into the pot for a really fancy cottage, then I'd find that quite difficult. I would much prefer us to stay at a more modest £2k cottage and pay my way.
  1. In these times of cost of living crisis they might find it hard to play along with the indulgence. If they are worried about paying the heating bill next month then it might feel tough to pay so much on holiday treats.
Guavafish1 · 03/01/2023 08:10

I agree with all the above.

Expensive trips doesn't mean quality time. I agree with others... you need to rethink about cutting back the costs.

Consider doing things on a lower budgets... your family won't care as long as you're spending time together as a family

goldismything · 03/01/2023 08:11

You sound lovely but stop paying for them. Concentrate on your own family and maybe go for walks or picnics with extended family. Paying top dollar for experiences doesn’t equate good times.

unkownone · 03/01/2023 08:11

I would put a hold on paying for all their stuff. We had similar with my in laws all of them! Except they expected us to pay for everything and would laugh walking away saying we’d pay like always. After another time when it got back to me what they said about us we no longer pay for anything for them. Id say cut back if they want those experiences all chip in.

Breakingpoint1961 · 03/01/2023 08:13

Coming from a mature mum, if one (or both) of my adult DC were to do stuff like this, I'd probably accept it the first time, albeit not comfortable with it. If say, they were a very high flyer (talking footballer etc) then I think that's very different from a regular job with a good salary.

I am not even comfortable with expensive presents from my 'kids' so I'd find this uncomfortable, even more so if my other DC was ok accepting itBlush.

I am very much a giver, and believe me people will take, in fact I find myself gravitating towards takers it seemsConfused

OP we don't give for gratification, we give because we want to, so no expectation should be sought (unrealistic I know) however, there comes a point whereby we maybe look at what we are giving, and just scale it back somewhat. It doesn't need to be confrontational either, just a reduction in your generosity.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 03/01/2023 08:13

Is it possible that your family would actually have just as much joy or possibly even more if you stepped down your high-powered money-earning and stepped down the luxury and spent quality time with them in more basic circumstances - skiing holidays are lovely obviously but are spectacularly expensive at the popular resorts, you can enjoy the sport just as much at a more basic location without the huge markups, or can have non-skiing holidays with other activities. If you are splashing around the cash to upgrade from something that they could afford and would enjoy happily, to something that is no more enjoyable but they feel pressured into, then that's not being nice to them, and no they shouldn't feel obliged to stroke your ego for it. You might be more fun to be with if you worked less? I don't know how true this is, but it's possible that this could be their take on it.

EasterIsland · 03/01/2023 08:14

You’re not an idiot and YANBU to feel a little upset about your generosity being taken for granted.

But.. people get stuck in certain roles in families and this comes to seem “natural.”

Also, they may all be aware of what you’ve spent but a) don’t want constantly to feel beholden? or b) aren’t hugely fussed about doing all the things you pay for so just let you do them?

Your actions come from kindness and generosity but maybe they feel burdensome to your family?

But to reiterate- you’re not an idiot nor unreasonable to feel a little upset.

I think you’re going to have to cut back a bit, or suggest something- for example to your brother - about going halves in something for your parents, for example.

mommatoone · 03/01/2023 08:15

My friend was like this OP. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, it was claustrophobic. Just too much. People didnt want to say anything or refuse to go to places as she would have been offended / upset.
She was very much motivated by money.

It seems that you come from a good place with your genorosity but please consider that not everyone feels comfortable with this.

MeinKraft · 03/01/2023 08:16

Curiosity101 · 03/01/2023 07:15

How do you imagine they would react if you stop doing it?

Maybe they go along with all the expensive stuff to keep you happy. Maybe "you really need to work less hard" really means "stop spending all this money. I'd rather you had an easier time of life than that we had all these fancy things"

This is exactly what I think. It's a roundabout way of telling you to calm down with the spending.

Natty83 · 03/01/2023 08:20

Have you read about love languages? It sounds very much like you love your family and want them to be happy and your family love you and want you to be happy - perhaps your love language is gift giving and theirs is quality time? And they want you to have more quality time not understanding this is how you are showing your love. I may be completely wrong but might be worth a chat. Good luck x

NewYearNewSeeds · 03/01/2023 08:22

OP, I was a bit like this in the past. I had very senior job and no children so had cash to spare. That job also brought me in contact with fine things in life and I used to spoil my family because I wanted them to have access to those nice things also. Including holidays and days out and experiences.

That job almost broke me. I now earn half as much (maybe less than half!) and am a lot less stressed. My family get a lot less spoiling from me but I cannot honestly say we were happier before and are less happy now.

Everyone is just as happy now. Maybe even more so, because I am not tired and stressed regularly.

If you are someone who shows their love via gifts, it can be a hard lesson to learn that not everyone prioritises or values those gifts in the same way. Your family may wel be genuinely far happier with knowing you are happy and not over worked, even if it means they have to swap a 5k family trip away for a weekend all together in someone's home.

HettyMeg · 03/01/2023 08:23

You are not an idiot as you just want to share nice experiences with your family. However, you cannot control how they behave, or how grateful or otherwise they seem. I agree you should find cheaper ways to spend time with them - family isn't about expensive trips away. If you don't want to work less, spend the extra cash on yourself / you and your dh. If you do want to cut down hours then do it but only if you want to.