I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

Stop being the family bank. It's obviously expected of you now and it's going unappreciated. Put yourself first.

Wow! That's an awful lot of money you are throwing at your extended family! Your own young family are relatively inexpensive atm but now mine are 15 & 18 (& at Uni plus had lots of driving lessons in last year) can you afford to keep doing this in 10/15 years time & will your family just expect it cos you've always done it?? If you can afford it & enjoy doing it then fair enough but don't expect people to be overly grateful - they never are!

If you have worked hard to get where you are, aren't you expected as part of your role to work these extra hours now? Your family saying you should work less....is that feasible in your current role or would you have to find a lower paid position?

Maybe they are thinking more about your mental health and less about what they get out of you because you can afford nice things? Try to see it as a positive that they care for you.

Respectfully, I disagree. I give my cat dreamies because it makes me happy to see her happy. I’d like some gratification (purrs, attention etc.), but that’s not why I give them- as I said, I not often receive the additional attention I crave. But I still continue to do it.

The OP says she does things because ‘I want us to be able to do these nice things together’, which I’m assuming means she’s gains pleasure out of seeing them enjoying doing the nice things, and she’ll also enjoy the time doing the nice things with her family too.

She would like further recognition or appreciation of a) the things she provides, and b) the hard work, sacrifices etc. she makes to be able to afford them. And that’s perfectly understandable and reasonable. However, I think it’s wrong for her to expect it. You could say it’s bad manners not to do so, and I’d agree. But manners are subjective. So if I say they are rude and/or wrong, that’s just my opinion. They are under no obligation to see things the way I do, or how the OP does.

She really has three choices. Lower her expectations as to what she’ll get in return. Confront her family, with the risk that they may either start to say they appreciate her etc, but not really mean it, or cause a bit of a rift. Or stop doing these things, which means she misses out on the pleasure of doing things for other people, and misses out on spending time and enjoying these events with her family. It’s up to her. But either way, to blame them for not responding how the OP wants is, in my opinion, unfair.

If your relationship isn't good enough to be able to say upfront that your hard work pays for being able to treat them, then don't spend the money. I like to be able to treat my family now and again too, but if they complained I worked too hard there's no way i'd quietly and politely seeth over it in private.

i think you need to read behind the lines.. they DO appreciate what you're doing, but would appreciate more time without all the expensive things.

It's YOU your family love, not the things you pay for. Work less, spend less money and more time with them.

Maybe your parents think you should be spending more time with your kids and fewer hours working for free

Ouch!

Also you don't have to work less if you don't want to- it's perfectly legit to work as much as you want and still not spend the money on your family. It doesn't sound to me as if OP actually wants to work less, just that she feels annoyed about her family suggesting she does so while she's spending so much money on them. Work as hard as you like, spend the money on whatever you want.

Why not assume the best of them? That they really want you to relax a bit.

Stop buying stuff for them and paying for things for them. Tell them you took their advice and have cut back on your hours so from now on you won't be able to do lots of expensive things for them.

I disagree with your comment.
I'm always one to point out when MN posters are being ridiculous but in this instance I think the majority are actually giving OP great advice and insight.

I wonder how many of the people saying “you don’t need a holiday, or the panto or to spend money to have fun” have had a holiday, gone to the theatre or done a paid activity with their family this year.

Off course many have, WITH THEIR IMMEDIATE FAMILY. You see the difference? you really can't compare the 2 situations.

Don't turn this thread into what it isn't...Seriously

When you arranged the £5K trip you have booked, how much consultation did you have with your family? Did you suggest cheaper alternatives for which their contribution would be more equal?

Depends how all this generosity is being presented. I assume with basic good manners they all thanked you for the cottage, theme park etc which I would have thought would be seen as being sufficiently grateful.
But the tone and thrust of your posts suggests you want them to specifically reference the financial cost which is a bit odd really. What do you want them to do, ask you exactly what everything cost before making approving 'wow' noises? Most people don't like gifts to come with unwritten nebulas caveats of being beholden to or doffing your cap to to the person making the gift.

In your family’s position, I wouldn’t like to feel beholden, actually. Maybe try a cheaper holiday where everyone can feel like an equal. I am sure you are doing it for the best of reasons but no sane person wants one family member to be acting all Lady Bountiful at the expense of her health!

I've NC as I can't discuss this with anyone in real life but I am in your family's position with my brother. He is incredibly generous with his very significant wealth but feeling grateful gets wearing after a time. He won't allow us ever to reciprocate his generosity and it is infantilising. No doubt some will read this and think I am jealous and ungracious but I am trying to be honest. DH and I are very comfortably off but we have chosen to work in public sector professions which are rewarding but will never make us very rich, unlike DB and his wife who have chosen very lucrative careers and have a top 0.1% income. It is some feat to make us feel like the poor relations when we do just fine with a household income in the low six figures.

DB is also a workaholic and I worry about this. He leaves all of the parenting to SIL despite the fact that she also works full-time. I honestly don't know whether his health or his marriage will be the first to go.

I’m sure what you do is not unappreciated. I should imagine they love the time with you and the lovely things you organise and do for everyone. However, they are telling you they do not want to enjoy it at the expense of your health and happiness and are questioning whether the other 11 months of stress and exhaustion in the year for you, in order to pay for the brief periods of enjoyment, are worth it for you. If they are and you don’t resent it, then reassure them you are not actually that exhausted and stressed all the time and that you do think it is worth it. Or, if you do wonder whether it is worth it, then take that on board and think about it.

My mum takes my family and my siblings family on a summer holiday each year.
We usually share nice accommodation or for example get caravans close together.

I am grateful and say thank you at the end of the holiday and that we are very lucky. Sometimes we send a thankyou card but I feel no need to grovel in appreciation.

I assume she books it because she wants to.
If she didn't want to she shouldn't. We wouldn't usually be able to afford the acommodation we stay in ourselves but we would be happy camping or staying in a Premier Inn or Travelodge and could pay for this ourselves.
If my mum could not afford it without hardship I would not accept the treat either.

While we are away we all take turns to cook.
We eat out or get takeaway sometimes either taking turns to pay or splitting the bill.

I wouldn't want someone to pay for all of our meals but neither could we afford to eat out daily so cooking some of the time is appreciated.

We do have get togethers at other times either staying at each others houses and going out somewhere or a short break in a Premier Inn all booking our own rooms.

I don't think I would be able to accept my sibling paying for our holiday though - unless it was easy come easy go money like a lotto win.

My sister and her partner work hard for what they have.
I frequently have the opportunity for paid overtime and I turn it down. I don't want to work more in order to have more money. I like my work life balance.
I would rather go camping than work extra all year for a posh holiday and I wouldn't like to benefit from someone else doing the hard slog when I am not willing to.

I also wouldn't like not feeling equal in choosing where we go or when we go.
Several times over the years we have gone to holiday parks where we are able to camp while family book a caravan or lodge. That's fine with me.

Are you working just to fund things for them?
I used to do this alot and I can afford it.
It creates this unbalance to things. Makes people feel they have little to offer.
It is really really hard to not do it as so much is solved with money.
It's one of my favorite things to do it shopping for others. But, I have managed to stop it for everyone's benefit.
What I've done is cut back and buy a nice item for their birthday and Christmas but I don't splurge on expensive holidays, cars, etc. anymore.
Maybe you can do the same? Treat a nice gift once or twice a year and maybe a nice meal.

5k family trip away

Why do you need to spend 5k on a family trip? You maybe want to look at your choice of destination as you are obviously picking somewhere which is expensive to go. Even if you are paying for 8 - 10, it doesn't need to cost this much.

You are making yourself a martyr with your own financial decisions. Its not even about spending quality time together. Its about the when and where you choose to do this. And its clearly YOU doing the choosing, not your family.

Oh good grief no

would you really do this @Theunamedcat ??

I'd be more interested to hear about the internal process that drives you to arrange and pay for these holidays and throw money at your family.

There's something going on in the shadows that only comes to light when the money has been spent.

There's a high and then there's a low.
Whatever commodity you hoped to buy for yourself doesn't show up.

Is there a sibling that you feel you have to compete with for your parents affections? Your money won't change a family dynamic.

Agree with the poster who said older children will need your money - eg for university - and I also think saving for a rainy day is important. Your extended family don’t need all these expensive trips - what is wrong with a cup of tea and some flowers or chocolates, or spending time helping with something your elderly parents need done?
I have not read all the thread, but I am guessing most posters are saying the same. The 5k holiday I can understand if it is a milestone birthday but for a regular thing? Nope, not necessary.

I would stop treating them so much. It sounds like they don't really understand the blood sweat and tears so much. Save the money for yourself yourself and your immediate family.