I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

[LetsDoThis2023]

I personally think yes, I'd also want to hear..."thanks for treating us to all these lovely things. We really enjoy them and we recognise how hard you work to make them happen". Then by all means they might go on go say "...but we'd be just as happy to do hot chocolate in auntie Jane's garden so don't run yourself into the ground for us". That's just self awareness surely.

Who would actually say this in reality?

[Lobelia123]

In my experience, when one person contributes so much, it leads to an imbalance in the family dynamics, and (perhaps even subconciously) it leads to resentment. Then people start subtly denigrating you to make up for their feelings that theyre not doing as well as you for whatever reason (which may all be due to a valid choice). Its their way to say, well I cant afford all this but BigCrane can only do it because shes doing X which is wrong, and I can be smug and superior about it because at heart my way is better. Its a way to neg you and say 'POOR BigCrane' and make themselves feel better.

So I would stop with these lavish treats - I know you mean them lovingly and selflessly, but I think the worm is turning and its starting to generate some resentment and entitlement. Scale it right back - if it gets questioned, you can say youve taken all that great advice about relaxing and scaling back and the result is that financially you cant treat anyone anymore, you can only afford to concentrate on your kids. Youll be happier, and maybe they will all learn a little something about happiness and gratitiude. And youll be freed from the burden of being the benevolent rich provider of all good things. Stop now, before things really get out of hand. An occasional treat of a meal out, or tickets to a theatre show are all lovely and generous, but stop with the flood of subsidised holidays, extravagant treats and days out etc. They are not appreciated. It will all backfire specatacularly unless you step back....sad but true that this is base human nature/

[Fuckthatguy]

They sound completely unappreciative OP and I will bet that once the lovely experiences you so generously provide for them stop, they will be singing a different tune.

Experiences are invaluable as far as I’m concerned, if I were in your position instead of funding them this year, use the money to take your family somewhere amazing without the rest of them. Do not feel guilty either.

[Treetrim]

I’ve been in a similar position in my family, the one who did well and could afford to pay for treats for others. However once my DC came along and started to get older, my disposable income declined and I also realised that I had to be more financially responsible and not spend so much of my discretionary money on family activities or trips.

You likely feel slightly guilty that you have a nicer lifestyle than your family, I can understand that, I felt the same.

Over the years I’ve taken my DM on numerous domestic city breaks (london Edinburgh etc) to New York twice, Paris, Rome, Venice, France, Spain several times. When money was tighter and time was at a premium there was an expectation that I would still just do this, which I found hurtful.

I don’t think there is any ‘fault’ here. You’ve decided to treat them and they are happy to go along with it but it needs to change if you are feeling this way. My advice is next time a family event comes up, work out a more equitable division of cost, if they aren’t willing to pay their share then simply do it as just your family. I would be inclined to still sometimes treat your parents and nieces and nephews but I on a less frequent and expensive basis.


Unlike lots of MN, I do believe in the importance of extended family and not the ‘just us’ approach so I would be subtle about this. If anyone asks say ‘look I just can’t afford the extra cost at the moment’ That is entirely reasonable and important to do. Unless you are a really big earner, discontent will set in.

[Prettyreindeer]

Can't you say in response: "Well yes, I could work less hard but then the upside is that we can afford to live somewhere nice and be able to afford nice things, have some financial security, and treat family...."

It is a fair and true response and if as a PP has suggested, they are meaning that they don't need treating as such then it would pave the way to a dialogue about how they would rather see you not work so hard just to do that.

[Mummadeze]

I think they probably don’t get it. I am sure they are appreciative of the lovely experiences you have given them - who wouldn’t be? But they probably think you have the option to work less and still earn as well as you do. They are making these comments out of love and care for your well-being I expect. If treating them makes you happy, usually, and you can afford it, I would just continue on and if they ask why you work so hard, just spell it out a bit more.

[RosesAndHellebores]

You should be working hard for your own family unit. If your ils want more they can work harder ime.

Ultimately, do you want to and do you enjoy working hard? DH and I always did. There was a time, 20 years ago, when I wanted to host and treat SIL and her family. Sadly, the sense of entitlement was overwhelming.

It stopped after a paid treat to Centre Parks when she said yes to everything, neither she nor her dc appeared to know the words please and thank you and after a day when dh and I supervised the children, organised everything, cooked dinner, including organising a birthday cake for her three year old, as the table was cleared, she laid down on the sofa and read whilst we washed up. We had a 4 year old and a 1 year old. She had one totally unboundaried 3 year old.

At that point I withdrew from any encouragement for her to spend time with us.

Do your family appreciate how hard people actually do work? MIL was a teacher and could never wrap her head around the fact that if you weren't a teacher you didn't get two weeks off at Christmas and Easter. I'm not saying teachers don't work hard but the lack of understanding was sometimes overwhelming.

[Sparkletastic]

Analyse your motives. Are you doing this selflessly or in the expectation of admiration and gratitude?

[SilverPeacock]

Is it the money or is it that you don’t feel appreciated generally for your achievements?

If money you should take suggestions above on board. Receiving of expensive gifts or money can cause complex feelings and using money to express love may be your own issue that you should think about. You should start doing things where everyone is paying their share, unless maybe some special occasion or something it might be appropriate to treat.

If you want appreciation for your achievements it hard if you don’t get it. We all want approval from our parents. Your mother obviously cares about you or she wouldn’t be saying she worries about you working too hard and it does sound like a way of saying they appreciate you for you and don’t need expensive things. You could maybe use the opportunity to talk to them about it?

[JoyPeaceSleep]

I think it's all been spelled out already, but may suggest somethingthey could afford to pay their share on?

[JoyPeaceSleep]

A cottage jus for yourselves next year! enjoy it!

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

@whynotwhatknot

youre paying tousands of pounds for a trip -theres jsut no need

maybe them saying slow downis a way of saying you dont have to do this all the time

To me... It could be any of these explanations....

But just think OP...

If you continue to work... And divert thr income into your own family... How much extra would you have? Another holiday for you /more savings for your future.

You could reduce your hours and your family has you back...

It soubds as if you're working extra time to facilitate other people your age. (s&BIL) .... What are they doing to help? OK I understand they may be only on minimum wage.... But a couple of pub shifts soon amasses extra in the pot. Locally 100£net per shift is on low end..

[BMW6]

Why are you "Lady Bountiful" and also resentful about having to work so hard to fund it?

Be honest - are you trying to buy love, or the accolades? Could you be showing off rather?

[AlwaysGoingBackwards]

You sound lovely and your motives sound good. But, I think your family are probably well aware of how much you contribute and so don’t want to snub your offers to pay in case it offends you. They see that you spend money as a way of showing people you care; gifting is your love language.

If your family had asked you to pay for all these things and then didn’t say thank you, then yes that would be ungrateful. I don’t think that is what has been happening though; you’ve offered rather than they’ve asked.

Just stop doing it. Focus on your immediate family unit, save a bit more, work a bit less (if you can) and treat your extended family members occasionally and not so extravagantly.

[XingMing]

My generation of the family have been long term expatriates, earning decent tax-free salaries, and some of the relatives have grown to assume that we are always going to be the hosts, paying for dinner and treats. It does become quite tedious, but when you are only back on a brief holiday and want to catch up with everyone in agreeable surroundings, that's reasonable too.

If you genuinely enjoy your work and the rewards it brings, I would continue doing it. Tone down the expensive treats, and see what happens?

[bigbabycooker]

Does your family show that they love you in other ways, or are you hoping to earn their love and admiration in paying for things? I went through a phase like that, hoping they would give me more recognition, but the reality is that they didn't. In our family, there is a dynamic in which I am the grafter who is prone to being more anxious and my sister is the sunny treasured golden child - she gets recognised for who she is and I used to hope to get recognised for what I have done. I don't do that any more, because it isn't a healthy dynamic. My parents definitely do like my sister more, but they do love both of us and it is much better for me to accept that (and allow myself the freedom
To pick and choose what I do for and with them) than to engage (even unconsciously) in a form of competition between us.

[DrManhattan]

This set up makes everyone feel awkward. Stop doing it. They aren't going to provide the degree of gratitude you would like. It just makes people feel weird. If I was invited on something like this and a family member is doing all the financial heavy lifting I wouldn't be going.

[Cosycover]

Tell them if you don't work as hard they don't get their trips paid for!

[Tessasanderson]

Sounds like you put more value on these expensive gestures than they do. Are they not giving you an absolute clear message that they would prefer you to work less and slow down a little than paying for these little adventures.

Life isnt just about expensive treats and tie spent together can be done relatively cheaply without lowering the enjoyment factor.

For me, it couldnt be clearer. Your family would rather you slowed down a little and didnt make such financial gestures. Sounds like they care about you

[pinkdelight]

If you're in a high powered career, you're probably wired that way and not just working that hard for extrinsic satisfaction, so saying (or even dwelling on) "if I didn't work this hard I couldn't afford to treat you like this" is beside the point. You're working hard because that's how you are and you're treating them because you choose to. You must know that it's not a normal set up. You're not the dad, it's not beholden on a daughter/sister to do all or any of this, whatever their income. At some point you must have wanted to and it doesn't sound like they're being ungrateful by saying work less. Ungrateful would be saying work more and do more for us.

Rather than making them connect you working hard with these treats - what does that achieve? Do you want them to feel guilty? - I think you need to separate the two things. Just because you work hard and earn more doesn't mean you have to pay for such things. Think about your choices and if you want to work hard, own it and say so. If you don't want to fund everything, own that and say so. If you do, own that instead and as long as they thank you in other ways, don't guilt them for it.

[Bigcrane]

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to share such detailed thoughts. I need to reflect on all of this. I will reply once I have processed! Thanks again

[nancydroo]

Yes they should say thank you as they have accepted your generosity on these trips. To stop yourself feeling resentful and as others have said, you need to arrange get together in a way that is affordable to them. This is so they have the opportunity to feel valued too. Perhaps they worry that their affordable ideas to get together would be beneath you. Perhaps they go on these trips and holidays to appease you. To them it may seem extravagant and they worry for you as a person that you need to work less. It's not making you happy but it's not their issue.

[Creepinglight]

@DomesticShortHair

I do the same with my cat. I give her dreamies because I know she likes them and they make her happy, and I want her to like me and give me some attention in return.

She, on the other hand, just takes them and wanders off. Any reaction that I hope I’ll get is entirely on me, she’s under no obligation to feel how I want her to feel or react. Am I disappointed- yes. Is it entirely my problem- yes.

I actually don’t agree that this is a good analogy. We are not cats. As humans we understand relationships are reciprocal. When we give, we expect to get something back, whether it’s thanks, appreciation or a gift in kind in return. Without this, we feel we are being treated unfairly and eventually feel hurt, or bitterness or resentment.
The only exception to this is parents with very small children, where you do give and give and expect nothing back.
But after early infancy we teach children to say thank you, as we know they will not form successful relationships if they cannot show appreciation. It’s absolutely fundamental and relationships wither and die without it.

[EasterIsland]

If you like working hard and achieving, then go for it. Yes, others see this as you “working too hard.” But maybe you need it, thrive on it, and like being this person. I know I do, and my family can reap the advantages.

Don’t feel you have to overthink your behaviour. But if you are hurt by what seems like ingratitude or taking you for granted, change that.

[piedbeauty]

Who suggests all the Christmas trips? How does it come about that you pay for everything? Do your family thank you?

Didn't you say to your mum ' if I work less hard I won't be able to spend thousands on you all at Christmas'? If so, what was the reaction? If you didn't, why not?

What's your relationship like generally with your family?