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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

313 replies

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

OP posts:
MotherOfHouseplants · 04/01/2023 22:23

Mumarch · 04/01/2023 22:19

I really sympathise. Just stop doing anything for brother and wife - no more expensive stuff. Ma and Pa OK but ask for contributions or scale right back on treats saying you cannot afford it. My SIL told me I was going back to work to early when they all knew full well their brother was sponging off me.

That would be the brother and SIL who paid their fair share of the holiday property? Right. Excellent advice.

Mumarch · 04/01/2023 22:29

Erm. Looks like these people are thoroughly sponging off the original poster and then hypocritically telling her to work less when they benefit from her high earnings? 75%?

MotherOfHouseplants · 04/01/2023 22:40

Just read the OP’s updates.

Carrie19230 · 04/01/2023 22:42

I know you want to be generous to your family, but you have to weigh up the cost to your wellbeing.I had a high paying job and worked crazy hours as well, I had other pressures too, divorce and paying the mortgage etc. Then one day I collapsed, ended up in hospital with Fibromyalgia, it was a long road to get my health back and I could never go into a high pressure job again!

stevec711 · 04/01/2023 23:47

Ask them if they enjoy the things you paid for.

LaDamaDeElche · 04/01/2023 23:54

DomesticShortHair · 03/01/2023 07:16

I do the same with my cat. I give her dreamies because I know she likes them and they make her happy, and I want her to like me and give me some attention in return.

She, on the other hand, just takes them and wanders off. Any reaction that I hope I’ll get is entirely on me, she’s under no obligation to feel how I want her to feel or react. Am I disappointed- yes. Is it entirely my problem- yes.

😂😂

Kennykenkencat · 05/01/2023 00:04

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

Something I noticed in your op.

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

Have you got your priorities a little skewed?

You mention your parents and trying to be a good daughter, you mention your brother and trying to be a good sister

That is in line 3 and 4

Your own children don’t get a mention until line 18 and 19 and then only in that you have to juggle their presence with working long hours to afford to give your “family” these special occasions

Its just an observation. But I do think maybe you should be looking after those you live with first. Rather than seeing your parents and brother and his family as the priority.
I am sure your dc would prefer to see their mum more

Otherwise resentment will start to kick in as they get older and want more of your time and don’t get it as you are off working to pay for nice times for cousins and aunts and uncles and they realise whilst you might say they are your priority t your actions say something different.

T1Dmama · 05/01/2023 00:27

Mum your comments about how hard I work and needing to work less really hurt me, I know I work too much, however if I don’t who will pay for holidays we all go on?! It hurt me that no one appreciates my hard work is what pays for these lovely things!!!

OR…. You could work less and do
less expensive holidays where everyone can then afford to pay equal shares?

jamdonut · 05/01/2023 12:43

You definitely need to say “ if I work less hours, we won’t be able to do these family outings any more, as I won’t have the money”. …and see if they equate the two things.

JoyPeaceSleep · 05/01/2023 12:47

Natalie has a good podcast called Generosity or oppression.

Not saying you are controlling op! I just spotted it last night and thought of this thread. It sounds interesting.

Bignanny30 · 05/01/2023 12:48

Not totally relevant but something I know from personal experience and feel I need to pass on. I used to be in the same position as yourself - I had a very well paid job that I had worked hard to achieve and my partner was in a well paid job too. Every year I took my sister and her children away with us on good holidays abroad including a trip to Disney, along with my own child too. I also bought them all lots of nice gifts etc. She was a single parent working part time. I enjoyed doing it, it made me happy to see them happy. However 8 years ago, due to illness I had to change my employment to a part time job and then unfortunately eventually stop working all together. We now get by on my partners salary, but live a more frugal lifestyle. Whilst I liked being the benefactor for my extended family, I have to say I also wish that I had saved more of my hard earned money, incase of this situation. I hope you are doing so and thinking about your own future!

Justbefair · 05/01/2023 16:29

They clearly care about you and of course they will appreciate your treating them. They would rather have a happy less stressed daughter/sister and and do cheaper activities I'm sure, maybe their underlining message? It can be hard for some people also to thank as could be feeling embarrassed. X

LoisLane66 · 06/01/2023 11:53

If your parents have savings and they presumably also have two state pensions plus possibly both or one or both have a work pension plus they probably own their house mortgage free, why not expect them to contribute? They can't take it with them.
It's no good you making up for your brother's lack of advancement in the workplace, by superimposing YOUR lifestyle on HIS family by paying the lions share of things you enjoy doing.
You are indulging YOURSELF, as you want family around, however, as they can't afford all you want you make up for it but want to have it acknowledged.
I get that...but you carry on regardless instead of saying outright that if you and your partner worked less hard, the treats would stop.
You can say it with a laugh, after all, they're not strangers. Just say 'Oh mum... we wouldn't be staying in this cottage/going to the panto etc if we weren't paying the lions' share.
They can't object to the truth.
You have 3 choices. Either tell them your version of my suggested conversation above OR put up OR shut up.

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