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Original poster

Embarrassed to say I'm lonely

204 replies

Richmond212 · 02/01/2023 20:08

Mum of 4 aged 42. Even with a DH and a house full of kids (aged between 21 and 6) I get lonely. I did have friends but they've fizzled away over the years. Even my very best friend has ghosted me lately. Is it embarrassing to have no friends? Is loneliness a mindset? I am starting to have very low self esteem over this ..I get envious of women on my social media having girlie days out and girlie holidays ect..wish I could train my mind to not be bothered

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 17:56

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 16:55

It's funny though isn't it some people don't mind having no friends. I hate it.

Does your dh have male friends?
if they are married, any friendship possibilities with their wives?

a good friend of mine was the wife of a friend of my husband’s (now ex husband) but we remained close friends

bozzabollix · 05/01/2023 18:04

@Aquarius1234 @Theordinary also in Kent…

I think this is a big problem with being middle aged. So many people want to just be in their family and not really reach out to others, I’ve got friends who’d consider themselves to be close friends but getting them out is beyond impossible. I guess that everyone is overstretched with work, kids and ageing parents, we’re a bit overloaded.

I think the answer is a good night out but definitely in the minority there!

The pandemic has made people far less sociable too.

Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 18:17

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 17:56

Does your dh have male friends?
if they are married, any friendship possibilities with their wives?

a good friend of mine was the wife of a friend of my husband’s (now ex husband) but we remained close friends

Show quote history

Nope we are both in the same boat. He works long hours and doesn't mind at all because he's mingling with people in work all day every day. Chooses not to befriend any of them though as he likes his own company

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 18:22

When your children are at school, how do you spend your time? Aren’t there class reps that organise the occasional coffee get together or drinks out? Could you volunteer to be one?

colouringindoors · 05/01/2023 18:37

.

Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:21

@Goodgrief82 I walk the dog. Go to the gym. Clean the house. Prepare meals do the grocery shopping. I have eldest son at home so sometimes we do things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:30

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:21

@Goodgrief82 I walk the dog. Go to the gym. Clean the house. Prepare meals do the grocery shopping. I have eldest son at home so sometimes we do things.

@GGoodgrief82 I also do some jobs around mums house as she's unwell. I do have a large family too. See them quite often

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 19:43

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:30

@GGoodgrief82 I also do some jobs around mums house as she's unwell. I do have a large family too. See them quite often

Show quote history

None of the SILs could be friends? For example

toooldforthisshite · 05/01/2023 19:51

I’m the same, 45, one primary school aged child, a husband but not a fulfilling marriage. Feel invisible a lot of the time and I’m starting to think I’m heading for depression. Some pretty dark thoughts lately that just make me so upset.

Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:59

toooldforthisshite · 05/01/2023 19:51

I’m the same, 45, one primary school aged child, a husband but not a fulfilling marriage. Feel invisible a lot of the time and I’m starting to think I’m heading for depression. Some pretty dark thoughts lately that just make me so upset.

I can feel this too. When I'm not busy or have anything to look forward to the thoughts consume me

OP posts:
Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 20:01

@Goodgrief82 yea i suppose were friendly. Do text every now and then but not like best friends the way my old friendships where.

OP posts:
toooldforthisshite · 05/01/2023 20:03

@Richmond212 It’s so draining isn’t it. Plaster on a face and desperately try not to cry in the supermarket. I failed at that today.

Original poster
Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 20:17

toooldforthisshite · 05/01/2023 20:03

@Richmond212 It’s so draining isn’t it. Plaster on a face and desperately try not to cry in the supermarket. I failed at that today.

Oh bless you. Hope your ok

OP posts:
toooldforthisshite · 05/01/2023 20:22

@Richmond212 thank you. Hopefully x

Fushia123 · 05/01/2023 20:48

I don’t have a big circle of friends, and sometimes don’t hear from any of them for a while. I’ve decided to be pro active about this and have sent texts to 4 people today - just touching base and asking them if they fancy a catch up cuppa sometime. Not a long meet up but long enough to catch up. All have replied today and am seeing one tomorrow, one on Sat. The others have young children so I have been invited to call in for a cuppa when the children are in bed for an hour next week. All meet ups short and casual but it’s important to keep communication up and be pro active if you can be.

Aquarius1234 · 05/01/2023 22:07

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 16:55

It's funny though isn't it some people don't mind having no friends. I hate it.

I think those people have a good enough social life with their family and or partner.
To have no one to do any social things with, event, shops, pub, restaurants, cinema, trips, music, holiday etc. Feels sad and depressing imo.

Anneofthegables · 06/01/2023 09:05

I’m the same, 45, one primary school aged child, a husband but not a fulfilling marriage. Feel invisible a lot of the time and I’m starting to think I’m heading for depression. Some pretty dark thoughts lately that just make me so upset.
I can feel this too. When I'm not busy or have anything to look forward to the thoughts consume me

Another one here who could have written this. I have joined a couple of interest groups this year. This is the only way forward I have found without making a dramatic change which currently, I would find terrifying. So I'm trying to create a life outside of the home. It doesn't take away the invisible feeling though and the fact you know things don't feel right in the marriage. I'm trying to plough on but I think I've become slightly depressed about it.

Mummadeze · 06/01/2023 09:28

I see having friends as a project that needs work almost. I am nearly always the one to reach out and contact people, organise get togethers or suggest things to do to bring us together. People really appreciate it as most people aren’t like this. Often, this isn’t reciprocated and people don’t invite me back but you develop a thick skin and keep organising things anyway. I always have a gathering on my birthday with lots of people. They might have a quieter smaller celebration for theirs, and that is fine. If I meet someone new I gel with through a hobby, I suggest doing something casual together away from the hobby. If people don’t seem interested I obviously don’t push it, but you really have to put yourself out there when making new friends and even maintaining old friendships. I also like introducing people, and forming friendship groups. It all takes work and a thick skin in case your attempts to be friendly don’t pay off, but I would say nine times out of ten, people are happy to make a new friend, try out a new restaurant or go to a class together. To give an example, I texted an old friend who has moved away recently to the coast who I was losing touch with and said I would love to see your new area, and maybe do a coastal hike, any chance I could come and see you for the day. She said actually I’ve got some holiday to use up so let’s do it. If I hadn’t bothered, our friendship probably would have fizzled out to be honest. If you want a full social life, throw out the invitations and see what happens.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:29

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 20:01

@Goodgrief82 yea i suppose were friendly. Do text every now and then but not like best friends the way my old friendships where.

Any class parent related social activities? Through a class coffee I met a fellow parent and we clicked. In fact meeting her this weekend for a coffee. We met 6 years ago. Children now at different schools. So I confide in her as I do my two oldest friends? Absolutely not. But we meet, chew the fat, enjoy one another’s company, care for one another and occasionally message.

Would we keep in touch if we were to move hundreds of miles away? Beyond messaging, unlikely but it’s still a friendship I value and I enjoy our get togethers.

all from a coffee organised by class reps 6 years ago!

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:30

I love being the organiser actually because then I suggest days and times and venues that suit me! 😂

SleeplessInEngland · 06/01/2023 09:35

Sorry to hear that. I wonder if the age disparity between your children has made it hard to keep in touch with friends whose children are now older? They have more free time while you still have a six year old.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 09:39

Richmond212 · 05/01/2023 19:21

@Goodgrief82 I walk the dog. Go to the gym. Clean the house. Prepare meals do the grocery shopping. I have eldest son at home so sometimes we do things.

Any dog walking groups? Just back from a run and saw lots of groups of dog walkers and then they seem to end up at the park cafe afterwards

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 06/01/2023 09:44

You can change this OP. I felt like this at 30 and now at 48 have a full and rich life. You need to make time to do something for you. I joined a band and have made many new friends. i would say if you have a child who is 6 you will still have contact with families at the school. Do your children go to clubs etc? x

Original poster
Richmond212 · 06/01/2023 15:47

You know what I'm in a different frame of mind today. Thinking about things a little differently. I do have gay male friends that are neighbours. And have 1 friend that still keeps intouch every now and again. I think it's just because I'm so sad about the best friendship loss why I get so low and think I'm alone.

OP posts:
Scandimama · 06/01/2023 16:00

I had a period of my life, when kids were little and we just moved to a new place when I was the same. It’s so hard, you have my sympathy. We need other people in our lives than kids and partners. What I did to change this

  • Say yes to opportunities to socialize - the local get together, the charity run etc
  • don’t be afraid to try to take acquaintances to the next level. If there’s an acquaintance you feel could be a potential friend (another local mum, a neighbor, a colleague etc), muster up the courage to invite them for tea, suggest a run together or ask if they’re also going to x local event and seek them out there. Some people gently turned down my overtures to become real friends and yeah it was a tad disappointing, but making new friends is a bit like dating, sometimes you’ll be rejected but just shrug it off and move on to next potential candidate. Eventually I’ve made some nice new friends, mostly other mums and colleagues but also some neighbours. And also, don’t be too picky, almost anyone has something interesting to add to your life and you to theirs : )
  • cultivate old friends you have lost touch with - just reach out and see where it takes you. Sometimes this can also be virtually, if they live far from you, a close friend you can chat to virtually can also be a great support.

wish you all the best and hope your situation will improve, hugs