Embarrassed to say I'm lonely

[Richmond212]

Mum of 4 aged 42. Even with a DH and a house full of kids (aged between 21 and 6) I get lonely. I did have friends but they've fizzled away over the years. Even my very best friend has ghosted me lately. Is it embarrassing to have no friends? Is loneliness a mindset? I am starting to have very low self esteem over this ..I get envious of women on my social media having girlie days out and girlie holidays ect..wish I could train my mind to not be bothered

Do you live near me? It’s the same here. I’m fb friends with lots of school mums who appear to have massive and varied friendship circles.
no family around me and work alone from home. It’s isolating.

Unfortunately I think loneliness is common whether you have lots of friends or you have none. It's often because you think of an ideal where you have family/children and lots of friends living close by. But that does not tend to always happen. Maybe trick is to foster any type of relationship, whether it is a casual chat at school pick up, and not just go seeking for deep, meaningful relationships/ or large group get togethers with lots of friends.

Same

Friends have fizzled out and I had a big fallout with my best friend over Christmas so currently not sure what will happen

Ive downloaded an app to try and find friends and there’s a couple of hobbies I’m interested in but they are outdoors so will do them when the weather gets a bit better. Hoping I can make new friends this way

I'm also lonely. My DH is really the only support I have. I've a few friends but of late it's often more the odd WhatsApp check in with them. Everyone has their own lives and problems. Might meet up once a year. I really miss having someone to have a moan and a chat with. I used to have that but circumstances have made them so distant eg. Full time work, autistic child. I'm sad about it but also would struggle to give too much of myself to a friendship with all that I have going on.

I think people have very little bandwidth for 'moaning' these days. Everyone wants us to be falsely cheery. Hence, MN! But I would like real life friends.

I did think that because I was not born here and don't have family here, my loneliness might be unique, but clearly a lot of you are lonely.

I've had periods of loneliness in the past.I think the only way to overcome them is to start or join a group where you might meet like-minded people. Nothing to do with the age of your kids or where they're at school. A book club, C25K group, writers' group, stitch and bitch etc. Then after a few sessions, you have to instigate an outing. Book club or writers' group - suggest a literary talk with cocktails afterwards, craft club - a craft fair, art group - an exhibition and lunch etc. Gradually real friendships form.

Good advice. Am doing this now.

I lost my childhood friends when I became chronically ill. Years later I had dc and then lost a few of the new friends I've made. I've one friend left. There aren't many clubs or groups in My town suitable for me. Nobody on the friendship apps. Its hard to make friends as an adult but when you've a child it's so much harder. Doesn't help that I'm nd either 🤣

I do have a few friends but I can’t meet up easily. I have an autistic teen who only goes to school a few hours so I need to be on hand. She doesn’t cope with me going out at night at all. They’re busy especially at weekends.

My relationships with uni friends were all based on me making the effort/journeys. I tried to meet up with one friend whom I haven’t seen for 20 years half way, but she wanted to bring her drippy husband and I lost interest, he doesn’t speak and would be no fun.

I did make what I thought would be a great friend, but when I haven’t been an available free childminder (including overnights) she’s dumped me.

I coped when I was at work, but I struggle to see any adults apart from DH now.

I joined a choir last year to meet new people/make friends- it's not going great tbh because the women seem very cliquey. I enjoy the singing though so will stay with it for a while.

Other than that- I've just joined lots of groups on MeetUp (although very little seems to fit in with my schedule so far. I have booked in to do a walk in a couple of weekend's time), a beginner's yoga class, and a bootcamp thingy. At least if I don't make friends, I've got something social to do.

It' very hard though. My DP is naturally outgoing and seems to collect friends just by walking outside. I have to really push myself out of my comfort zone.

I'm lonely too. No kids, I work from home and have a DP but he works very long hours out of the home. I am lucky to have a handful of friends and I work very hard to maintain my relations with them, making sure I text them regularly and trying to arrange to meet up. But I spend hours and hours by myself and it does get tedious.

Join a good WI. Not your necessarily your local one, but find one that meets your needs as they are all different.

There you will make many friends snd have great fun.

Mine has offered over 80 activities in 2022, for example bowling, cinema, day trips, wine tasting, pub nights, quizzes, meals out, crafts, walking, book club, colouring club, pudding club.

We are a great group of ladies from 20s-70s from all walks of life.

I feel the same. Have a few friends but felt a bit limited relying on just those couple. So I joined a few local women’s groups on Facebook - like Ladies of the Hills Shire (for example). We to a few meet ups and have a few more coming up and slowing making new friends. For example today I went on a beach walk then brunch with 4 ladies from there and then onto a birthday lunch with another different lady I met on there with her friends and family. Had a lovely day and have two more events in the calendar for future now. It’s incredible once you reach out how many women are in the same boat. Are there any local groups like that in your area?

But could you start one? How about an adult ND support and social group.

IME ND people are warmer, loyaller and more appreciative of overtures of friendship. You coul get a small but really interesting and diverse friendship group going within a few months.

I love the idea of a friendship group ranging in age from 20-70! Maybe I should join WI. There are two in my village. There was a massive falling out some years ago and they split. Wouldn't know which to join.

Having DC sounded the death knell for my friendships. Several friends dropped me immediately when I became pregnant, I met a few new mums in the early days of baby/toddler and then one by one they all moved away. I have a few school gate acquaintances and one who I have coffee with occasionally; unfortunately DC’s friends mums are friendly but it ends at the school gate.

My remaining old friends have slowly fizzled away, some have moved away, my best friend’s career has really taken off and I get the distinct feeling she looks down on me now as a SAHM, and a mutual friend has made a couple of comments about SAHM’s being ‘a bit thick’ and ‘have no conversation.’ So maybe that’s why no one wants to know me anymore perhaps?

I go to a monthly book club, the gym, volunteer in three places but all to no avail. One of the volunteer places I think potentially I may make some friends in but these things take time.

The Meet-up groups in my area are either very quiet and the one that did said it’s for 20’s/30’s people (I’m in my 40’s).

The thing is that people have different ideas on where to meet people- so many times on MN I’ve seen people say they go to work to work not to make friends, to the school gate to do the school run and not to meet people, to the gym to workout with their airpods in not to meet people etc. Apparently the golden rule is that friends are abundant in volunteering roles, sports and social clubs, baby groups, gyms, Meet-Up, and book clubs but people are only as friendly and open as they want to be which doesn’t help those who are lonely.

@Chaiandchocolate I agree it takes a LONG time. I joined two fitness groups to get fit. After about 18 months people started suggesting going for coffee afterwards, swapping plants, jars of jam, meeting up for walks and lunch, theatre trips etc. Absolutely nothing for over a year and a half. Bloody English people! I do love Europeans and Americans for their openness.

Its hard to make friends as an adult but when you've a child it's so much harder

Im going to have to dispute this statement - the majority of my friendships over the last 10 years have been through my DD. Starting with NCT, baby groups, nursery and school. If you’re standing at the gates it’s a great opportunity to go and talk to someone. I had a coffee / cake thing at my house to get to know other parents. Probably 10 mums came. If your school is anything like ours it has many many events requiring volunteers.( summer fairs, Christmas events etc) Our school also has parents drinks and social events like dances and quizzes. If your school doesn’t have a PTA there’s a window of opportunity.

We can feel lonely in a relationship, with kids, etc, as you have confirmed. That means that loneliness is not resolved by bringing people into our lives but it is a mindset, as you have mentioned as well. Some people can have 1 or 2 people in their loves and feel completely fine.

Having said that, not having friends and a social life can be very isolating, especially for people in the caring position that are constantly attending to others.

Friendships take time and devotion. One thing is to post on social media, another thing is to feel nourished by friends. Not everyone that posts feel nourished.

After leaving school, the best ways to meet people is through hobbies, coursed, work... Other moms can be a good sour of new friendships, but not everyone will be on the same wavelength. The mom's you mentioned already having their group, can sometimes be open to meet more moms. And so.e of.them may be craving one to one.

You can definitely change your situation. It's ok to feel embarrassed, it's signaling you are ready to change.

Winter foxes
The two WIs in your village may not be right for you. Try them both and if you are not keen, keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you.

WI is a fantastic idea!

Can't believe I hadn't thought of that. There's one less than a mile from me too.

Thanks for the inspiration @RuthW

I always wanted a group of girlfriends. I eventually got this in my late 40s. We do holidays & days/nights out together. They are a lovely set of ladies, however:

Within the group, there is an expectation for people to to go to as much as they can. I struggle with the financial aspect of this. Whereas I usually have the money (within reason), I want to (and sometimes need to) spend the money on other things. I don't want shopping days out/concerts simply because I don't like either of these things plus a coffee/lunch out isn't just an hour or 2, it's often 2-4 hours long. I cannot disappear for several hours at a time at the weekend, leaving my DC/DH to it. And I don't want to either.

I struggle to find the time to fit in the group time plus FT work, DH, DC (x3), house, life admin, chill/me time, wider family, exercise classes.

I cannot justify spending the money on going out so much and I don't want to spend that much money doing these things either.

The group often stay at each others houses overnight after a night out/together. We are all local to each other. I feel bad going out for the eve then out overnight and turning up home around 11am/12pm the following day. There is a bit of an 'meh' element (from certain individuals within the group) when/if I repeatedly don't stay overnight.

Am I am ungrateful cow towards my group of friends ?

Come again

your “very best friend” has “ghosted you”?

do you literally have NO idea why?

I would question your assertion that this is a “lovely” group of friends

I honestly don’t know anyone that has regular sleepovers in their late forties. Can’t imagine anything worse.

two very old best friends. See each other at least once a month. They mean the world to me