Embarrassed to say I'm lonely

[Richmond212]

Mum of 4 aged 42. Even with a DH and a house full of kids (aged between 21 and 6) I get lonely. I did have friends but they've fizzled away over the years. Even my very best friend has ghosted me lately. Is it embarrassing to have no friends? Is loneliness a mindset? I am starting to have very low self esteem over this ..I get envious of women on my social media having girlie days out and girlie holidays ect..wish I could train my mind to not be bothered

Seems like these days connections are virtual, which isn't a substitute for real life connections.

I can see it in my circles which are growing more fragmented and isolating.

Do you get on with any of your colleagues? Having nice people to work with helps.

I don't like it when you get to know someone online and meet in person several times, then for whatever reason the friendship fizzles out.
Why invest time when someone isn't as bothered about meeting in person semi regularly.

Watching this thread with interest.

Feel the same. I've been so immersed in childcare that I've let opportunities go by to make friends. Once they are older I will be joining groups/hobbies. I do think it's entirely my own fault for not being active in seeking friendship. I have learned as well to just accept that things are how they are and that may change when DCs are older. I had a plethora of friends pre-DCs. I think circumstances dictate a lot. Working from home doesn't help. I have confidence but not for initiating a conversation.

Also being fearful due to problems with my own parents. I'm going to read that book about facing fear people on MN talk about a lot.

It seems a really common thing judging by the replies and also had a look through the thread search . Loneliness is definitely on the rise. Not a nice feeling 😕

I feel this way too OP.

I had a milestone birthday last year and barely got a birthday card, let alone a girls day out, or load of treats. Was difficult to watch other people from my school year celebrate on sm with their spa days and cocktails.

Sounds so silly, as not sure what I was expecting. But my so called best mate didn't even get me a card or send a text. I also felt massive disappointment from my DH and DC, so felt doubly lonely.

It's carried on throughout the year and Ive been feeling really down and wondering about ways to make new friends.

Local groups, such as art classes, etc, seem to be filled with older/retired folk. I'm not there yet! I wfh and can't change my job and DC are secondary school now, so no school moms.

I'd be really interested in any ideas for young middle aged folk to meet!

Inspired by this thread I’ve booked myself on to a crafty type college course. Meet other like minded people.

Also going to take the leap into the world of WI which I’ve been considering for a while. Follow my local group on FB, lots of interesting things going on and regular social events. I’m thinking fuck it, I’ll join them, not getting my tits out for a calendar though!

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely, Richmond212 and other posters. Though it doesn’t reduce the loneliness, it can help to see loneliness as the default human condition: some of The School of Life’s YouTube videos explain this. Yes, some are very fortunate in having a true friend or even several, but you can see from the responses you’ve already generated that you’re far from alone in feeling lonely. I suspect that plenty on social media post pictures of their ‘fun filled’ lives precisely because they feel lonely too, and want to kid others/themselves that they’re not. Statistically, the more things you go out of your way to do, the more likely you are to bump into people you might eventually connect with. It helps if you’re interested in the activity itself so you’re still benefiting from participating even though you may not connect with fellow participants. If you do connect, you then have the issue of how connected you’re comfortable being with any participant: A might want to befriend B not C, but C might not be keen to be friendly with A. The analogy post about school pupils is good: most of us hope we’ll find/long for a tribe. If successful , most of us are far too relieved to then encourage anyone ‘less cool’ than us to join. You could try seeing if there are any Meet Ups which spark your interest in your area - different interest groups (it’s a website for those with common interests) - but I think it’s a bit like The School of Life’s point that only the happily single (ie who love themselves enough not to go desperately searching for a partner) who are significantly likely to end up in a successful couple, i.e. follow/develop your interests to increase your chances of connection.2/2.

Me. I have good friends but they are scattered all over the country and I rarely see them. No partner or kids. I don't want kids but would like a nice partner/husband to share my life with. I get so sick of doing stuff on my own all the time.

My parents used to socialise at the local Social Club. It seems a bit old fashioned now, but they had a social life and knew lots of people from it. Perhaps looking at how people socialised in the past, church events/WI/ Social Club etc, could be the way in the future.

Have you tried Meetup OP? There are various local groups on there relating to hobbies but some just meet up for coffee/walks/chat. If there's nothing that appeals you can start one. I bet there are lots of people in similar situations.

Sunsetintheeast · Yesterday 20:36
Richmond212 · Yesterday 20:30
Do you think comparing our lives on social media plays a bit part of the way we feel
Yes, because comparison is the thief of joy. You gotta believe that.

Defintely! Without FB, you probably wouldn’t know that other people were socialising without you

I wonder if some of you might consider joining my motivational thread on how to make real life friends. ( just to be clear, not for making friends on MN).
www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4709176-making-new-friends-in-2023-thread-join-me?reply=122687391

I am an immigrant and have no family or many friends in this country, so I have t make twice the effort. Meetups are great for me though I am in London, so eaiser.

Me! I recently split with my partner, and have temporarily moved out of the big city I'd been living in. This seems to have coincided with a lot of my friends just stopping replying to my messages (and I'm not pushy or clingy - if anything, I'm pretty introverted and love my own time, but I would like to intersperse that with seeing friends occasionally!), and I worry this will get worse as people get married and have kids. Colleagues are nice, but I mainly WFH.

People suggest MeetUp but when I look at what's on in the small city I'm in atm, everything is either swing dancing, business networking, or events targeted at 60-somethings. Which is totally fine, but I'm not even 30!

Well if it’s any consolation to anyone I’m 52 and the last year was invited into an established book club formed of school mums and it’s been fantastic. I’ve been to the theatre, parties and the pub together and obviously the monthly book club meeting. I’ve loved it. I don’t have a magic wand for forming friendships and I’d say you’re never
too old to make friends but you do have to be proactive. You’re not a dog at the pound waiting for someone to rescue you. You need to go places, meet people extend the invitation first. “ we should get coffee sometime”. Past failure also isn’t any indication of future success. The fact you went to the gym and smiled but didn’t make friends isn’t a comment on you as a person - keep trying ( maybe not at the gym. I’ve never in my life made a proper friend at a gym but it keeps coming up on these threads.) Start the club you want to go to…. Put a notice on Meet- up or Nextdoor.com. Take some chances. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

@Divebar2021 Great post. I agree you have to put effort into it and often make the first move.

I went to a Meetup yesterday ( literary related) and really enjoyed it.

People with lots of friends aren't any happier than those with a couple of good friends. They may seem social and popular but they have many shallow friendships and acquaints.
I am quite quiet and not particularly good at making friends but the few I have genuine people I've known for years and could count on one hand but I know I can count on them and vice versa which is better than lots of meaningless relationships that cause upset just read some of the posts on here to see how some treat so called friends.

Two friends, even good ones, aren't enough for me because given general life busyness, I might see them only once every couple of months. So I try harder.

@ToughLoveLDN sounds great, will PM you

I did have 3 very good friends 1 was really special. Like a friendship that's hard to find. Same sense of humour, same morals. We went through everything together. Lately thats fizzled out. I don't even get a reply when I text her so I've stopped chasing it because I feel stupid. I have told her how I feel even . I get a sorry, but still no effort from her side. I feel gutted

@Greenshake I'm not sure how to pm?

I’m 68, married but DH just likes sitting at home and usually had headphones on, not much company.

I had good friends when I was young, then they married and had children (I couldn’t) so friendships dropped off.

when their kids got older our friendships rekindled and we had some great years having holidays, festivals, gigs, camping etc. Great times.

Now they all have grandchildren and that’s their focus, which I understand, but I’m back on my own. I still go to places on my own and meet up with new friends but they’re not close friends and mostly live very far away from me.

It’s sad, I do miss them.

I've tried so hard to create meaningful friendships and followed all the usual advice:
Joined a gym. Enjoyed it for health and fitness reasons but never made any friends. People very focussed on their workouts, usually wearing air pods. They rush in and rush out. The furthest I got was a Hi!
Started a book club. Started off well but Covid killed it and despite my best efforts setting a date since then that everyone can make is such hard work and I was the only one trying that I've now given up.
Joined Bumble friends. Some ladies I didn't click with. The ones I did click with I got fed up of always doing the arranging for drinks/coffee. When I stopped trying I never heard from them again.
Joined Meet Up. Went to several events but just seemed to spend a lot of money to end up feeling a bit lonely with a bunch of strangers.
No idea where to go from here. It's so weird unless I'm completely deluded I think I'm easy to get on with and good fun. People at work seem to like me. But it's just not working.

Chasing is annoying. I'll ask 3 times if a good friend wanted to meet up catch a film. But after 3 excuses , I have to move on.
If someone then several months down the lines gets back in touch I'm a bit miffed. People do white lie all the time. Just be honest and you couldn't be bothered anymore or too lazy to go out. Same difference. Or you don't like me anymore...

I could've written this.