To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

Definitely not unreasonable. You poor dear, that sounds exhausting. I am a long way from the baby stage so don't have any great advice for you but hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon. Meanwhile, just hang on to the thought that all baby stages go by so quickly. This too shall pass.

It sounds utterly awful and ridiculous to be honest and like baby is overtired.
What have you tried so far to change things and improve the bedtime/evening then perhaps others might have some ideas to try.

I just wanted to send sympathy, as this sounds so similar to when my DD was a baby. Eating in shifts, evening spent separately as I fed upstairs, DH doing screamy walks so I could have the smallest break. And the waking every two hours. I could have written this! It does get better x

You have to make a decision but it does get easier as you start weaning him on solids. Not right away but he will get into routine.
Waking every two hours means he is ready for food. He needs food to fill him your milk is not enough.

Oh my goodness, this sounds so hard. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated and resentful and burnt out by this, so let those feelings wash over you and don’t beat yourself up for them. A few thoughts:

1. it’s not forever! Everything is a phase, and at some point your baby will sleep through the evenings and you will have some adult time again. I know you know that, but it’s important to keep hearing it and saying it.
2. Two 30 minute naps is not a lot of sleep for a 5 month old at all, and I say that as the mother of two babies who have needed much less sleep than the books and sites recommend. Usually on these threads I’d advocate cutting down on naps, but here I do wonder if over tiredness may be a contributing factor. It’s very hard because some babies don’t show they’re tired and many (both of mine!) are hard to get to sleep even when they’re tired. Baby number 1 would only sleep in his pram after a certain point and baby number two will only sleep in the car, in the sling (only if I play pop music and bop along) or on the boob. What do you do to get your boy to sleep and how are you determine when he needs a nap? The fact that you say he needs a lot of entertainment in the day makes me wonder if you’re mistaking tiredness for boredom sometimes? I know I did this with first for a while.
3. once he’s asleep in the evening does he sleep well? Could you watch a movie with the volume fairly low on a laptop in bed?
4. Good luck and all my sympathy. You’re doing a wonderful job and you will get there.

Would you keep baby feeding on you in the sitting room while you watch tv and bring him up to bed when you're going yourself? That's what we do

I could have written your post a year ago. I found the lack of evening together one of the worst things at that age too.

6 months was a real turning point for us, when we did Ferber sleep training. I really recommend reading the e-book even if you don’t think sleep training is for you (I didn’t agree with it at first).

It was like a miracle - DS would go to bed at 7pm and we reduced wake ups to just twice a night for feeds. Which meant we could actually stay up until about 9pm (very exciting!) because we were getting some sleep at night ourselves.

You've had kids. Your life is different now. No refunds!

Start weaning now, I did with both mine before 6 months as they seemed ready.

I weaned all my children from 5 months onwards. You slowly build what you give them to start with.

5 months is hard, both of mine were like this at 5 months. But then they started to sleep longer and gradually it all became calmer. Would a dummy help? The only way I could get Ds to settle (dd was easier) was with a dummy and swaddling him in a muslin! He was a real nightmare baby. We used to have to have dinner in complete silence with one of us bouncing him with our foot in a bouncy chair so he’d sleep otherwise he’d wake up and scream! (He’s 10 now and we laugh about it)!

Are you a mum can you offer more than that.

Simple truth in a few simple words.
You can pretty it up if you like.

This is not helpful. I don't think OP went into parenthood thinking life would be the same.

I would agree with the comments on overtiredness. Two half hour naps does sound like much at all. I am still sleep training my baby and have been recommended "the sensational baby sleep plan". A lot of the ideas within the book are things that I already do and seem to work. It is also written in quite a flexible way so doesn't put pressure on you. It has a section for people who didn't start sleep training right away (Ie, me!).

It will pass. The first year goes in so quick and you will look back on this as such a short phase in your life.

Why does he only sleep for two 30 minute naps? Does he wake after 30 minutes no matter what? It sounds like he needs more sleep in the day.

If you're comfortable starting him on solids now, a supper of porridge and banana before bed might help him sleep better.

Sounds terrible. I never had this. I had ds's in their own rooms asap, own cot. Bath, breastfeed, bed. Straight to sleep. Me downstairs to watch tv with Dh, then bed. Breastfeed at 10pm, 2am, 6am.

It is hard though. Can you make little adjustments. Bedtime routine. Getting them to try and settle on their own?

Give him some proper food so hes not hungry all the time and he needs a bedtime routine. Dinner, quiet play, bath, own dark room/space with his white noise/lullabies and into his cot. even if it doesn't work at first start establishing one.

Remind yourself it’s not forever. They get bigger and they sleep more and you get some evenings back.
If you haven’t tried yet maybe give watching a movie while feeding a go and let LO doze on you a bit

It's exhausting. It just is! Use as much family-help as you can, if they are near. I was so tired that I couldn't think. Sorry - just wanted to acknowledge that it is difficult! You'll weirdly miss it when he is older, though!

Can you pump and give him a bottle before bed rather than breast so you know he’s getting a nice big feed, then put him down to sleep? Plus you can build a bit of a controlled routine.

we put our daughter in her own room from 4 months, although I don’t think this is typical, but it’s been the best once you get through the initial sleep training bit.

Can you get a TV in your bedroom? Not the perfect soloution but you could both watch it as you feed the baby.

My wife has a few health problems and goes to bed early (I mean 4 or 5 o'clock) and I often join her and I watch TV in bed. It helps us and might work for you.

I’m so sorry this sounds really tough. I’m on my second DC now and I lost my evenings for a good few weeks with her as well. I think the second time around I’ve found it a lot easier to tell myself (and to believe, importantly!) that ‘this will be different in a couple of weeks’. Even though it feels interminable, this won’t last forever. I found it really helpful when DD2 was screaming every night til 10pm no matter what I did. I promise you will get your evenings back, but I know how tough it is in the meantime. Sending strength, and wine!

This is why I formula fed - so dh could share the care. I don’t think I could feed every 2 hours every night, that sounds utterly exhausting and soul destroying.
weaning is an option as well. Clearly exclusively bf isn’t filling baby up enough, they usually go through a growth spurt around then.
but also feel free to ignore my advice as when I had my first baby, Gina Ford routines were acceptable and baby led was seen as something hippyish and not the mainstream as much (and weaning was from 4months not 6 too)

Yeah this just isn't true though! Babies don't just wake because they're hungry.
You're getting lots of advice to early wean but don't do it. The recommendation is 6 months for a reason.

2x 30 min naps at that age doesn't seem like enough. Where is baby napping? Mine would minimally sleep in a cot but if she slept on me would easily do 2 hours. I used to set up a snack and drink station in reach and crack on with some boxsets.

Some babies just don't sleep well unfortunately. It will pass but that's not hugely helpful now

Same here.