To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

It will get better! Few more months and you will get a little time back.

I’d agree with weaning, he sounds hungry. Does he only sleep while he has physical contact with you?

It may feel like it’s never going to change but trust me, around 6 months or so is when you can get a routine going and bedtime will start to take shape and evenings will be yours again. Then this whole phase when you look back seems like the blink of an eye!
I wouldn’t all go to bed at 7. Instead you can share the settling tasks post feed. Think of it as a few weeks project for the longer term gain of your evenings and start now.

I followed a routine of something like this (adding food after 6 months - no need to wean now, wait and follow the guidelines):
morning - up at 6.30-7ish
feed - 7
breakfast - 7.30
nap - 9.30 (30 mins)
feed mid morning
solids/lunchtime feed around 11.30-12
nap - 12.30ish (try to get them to do more than one sleep cycle and try to resettle)
feed 3ish
catnap if needed of 10-15 mins if needed and awake by 5
dinner feed/solids 5ish
bath 6ish
bedtime feed
bed at 7pm

you need to get your husband more involved. You feed, then he can settle the baby. I exclusively breastfed but my husband managed to share care very equally. I learnt my lesson for DC2 , after having a first baby that was glued to me because I did everything. Your DH could bath the baby and gets him dressed whilst you have a quiet cup of tea, then you might feel more ready to face bedtime.

I also used the kindle app on my phone and read loads of books. Passed the time at least!

It worked with my 4 babies this is only advice. If I get pregnant again I will do the same they are still alive and a healthy weight at 18, 16, 14 and 7. All doing well.

We were lucky as in ours slept through from 10w, but by 3m at least (maybe earlier) we would put them in the cot in our room and have dinner downstairs. We kept the video monitor on the whole time and checked in on them. Really appreciated the evenings to ourselves.

What do you mean by baby needs constant entertaining? That sentence and the vert short naps sounds like baby is overtired.

Mine used to scream at dinner time when overtired. Look up some sleep training tips. Doesn't have to be cry it out to work.

You’ll get a lot of advice on here specific to people’s very unique babies and situations, which may in some cases not be helpful. Every baby is totally different.

I would explore the baby sleep accounts in Instagram (personally I recommend Kaitlin Klimmer and Hey SleepyBaby) and find some that feel right for you. They often offer 1:1 sessions if you are able to pay.

My (very unique) situation was a super fussy baby who really experienced the witching hour from around 4pm to 9pm where she would fuss and fuss - linked to being totally overwhelmed by the day. Going out for a walk in the carrier, in the dark (we live in the country) with my partner while we chatted really calmed her. When we got home we would put her down in a dark room and with a little feed she would sleep. She grew out of it a couple of months later (we also found out at weaning that she is allergic to milk and cut it out, I think tummy pain might have been some of the problem.) She’s now two and a bit and a really solid sleeper.

And we drink wine and eat dinner and watch TV and sometimes even go to the pub.

Hang in there.

I know this may sound like a cliche but this will change. Both mine fed like demons and slept poorly. It does get better. You'll get that time together again.

I think 5 months is one of the worst stages if that is some consolation! It’s around then they have a development leap and sleep regression. It should get better once they ween as others mention and learn to settle themselves. I agree with pp she might be overtired and overstimulated- 2x30min naps is not a lot, can you get her to sleep longer in the car or pushchair?

Ah, the witching hour! 5-10pm it was for us. Thankfully once he learnt to nap properly (6 months, in his own room) he cheered up and become much happier.

Hes still miserable mind, but a manageable miserable 😆

This is the life with a breastfed baby afraid. I breast fed my daughter and found my daughter cluster fed from about 6pm until past midnight. It was hard work! If you plan to wean off breast by 6 months then things could start getting easier. My son was bottle fed and by 6 months he had a 7pm bedtime. He would have his bottle, fall asleep, then stay asleep until 6am. Bliss!

Some months with babies are just awful. But they do then change it up – often for something worse… Why won’t he settle downstairs: too light/noisy? Can you watch a film with headphones and lights out, with baby on you clusterfeeding? Not quite the same as a free evening but not banished upstairs either.

I agree 2x 30 minute naps doesn’t sound like much but I sympathise: DD used to nap max 20 mins at a time and had a short wake window, my days were spent entirely getting her to sleep over and over again for these tiny bursts. At 5-6 months she also used to sense if I wasn’t in the room at night and wake up, and would also only settle in her cot in the dark, so no evenings for me.

but it did all change! She’s in her own room sleeping through now. And I’m on the sofa clusterfeeding a newborn and doing it all again… You’ll get through it!

Definitely definitely gets easier with time, I have 2, I've been where you are. I know that's not helpful right now though.

DC1 was a good sleeper, DC2 not so much and at 14 months is sleeping worse than he was as a newborn now so I feel you with the sleep deprivation!

Things that did help our kids to sleep, to some extent:

• Lullaby music player attached to cot and put on every bedtime and any time they woke in the night. So it became a sleep cue and helped to drown out background noise. Started this with both of them around 12 weeks I think.
• Dummy for sleeps in-between milk feeds. Introduced four attached to a sleepytot toy from around 5 months old in the cot.
• Keeping them in our bedroom for longer made things easier for us. DC1 was in with us til 16m and DC2 still is at 14m and I reckon will be with us til maybe 18m partly as we need to do some house renovations to actually make them a bedroom...
• I combi-fed DC2 so DH did 3 night feeds a week of formula so I had a few nights of better sleep. This really helped me mentally tbh to get through each night knowing some respite was on the way.
• Once DC2 was a few months old, i only BF 3hrly overnight. If they woke sooner than this, DH would sort them back to sleep. Rocking, cuddles, walking whatever. So the burden wasn't solely on me. Or likewise if they were done breastfeeding but needed a nappy change or wouldn't settle, DH would sort them out.
• We got a telly put in our bedroom when I was pregnant with DC2. First 3 months or so when he was sleeping in the evenings or I was BF there in evenings, I'd sit and watch telly. DH would tidy up and do jobs then come and join me and we'd watch telly or films together there. I get the loneliness otherwise.
• Honestly our DC2 fell into an earlier bedtime routine of 8pm ish from around 3 months old. From around 4 months old he started getting disturbed by us being in the room with telly on then so we started putting him to bed and staying downstairs then with the monitor on and regular checks until we went to bed ourselves. I appreciate this isn't the advice though. He would be alone sleeping for approximately 2-3 hours and we'd check him hourly until he was 6 months.

I'm so sorry this sounds so hard :( A few things that really helped us was getting DC into a really good routine, we would do it every night without fail regardless of when they went to bed. Warm bath, dimmed lighting and massage with aveeno lavender calming cream, pjs on and sleeping bag on, story, lights out, transferred to crib in own room when asleep (DC is freakishly long so needed their own crib sooner as they wouldn't fit in the snuzpod and no space in our room for the big crib!). We also weaned them at 5 months because they were so hungry and my milk wasn't enough anymore - started out with baby rice, purées etc, but they loved food and starting eating properly very quickly, showing how hungry they were. This transformed their sleep, and meant they went down happily around 6/7 and would sleep til 5-6ish most mornings! Good luck... this is a phase and it will get better!!

My 16 year old when she was born slept all night from day one. Don’t ask me what I did but I couldn’t replicate it again with my last two. Maybe I handled them to much who knows.

So I really don't think giving solids or a bottle is the only answer here. My son is only just six months. We've done some weaning over the past week but he's definitely not eating much. He's still fully breastfed.

He was also waking every 1.5-2 hours at night. The reason for this was likely that he was falling asleep on me while feeding and then panicking when he switched sleep cycles as he realised he wasn't on me anymore. With some cuddling and luck with timing I've managed to get him to fall asleep in his cot at the start of the night and this has greatly improved his sleep. 2 or 3 feeds in a 12hr period rather than 6. He's only on 9th centile so I personally won't be cutting the night feeds until he's much older or he drops them himself.

IME this all screams overtired baby to me. (30 years working with babies and young children)
I don't think it is anything to do with food.
Sleep begets sleep. Good naps often mean a good night.
I'd put all your efforts into extending those daytime naps. I think that's the key.

Good luck xx

I have a 7 month old and have the same evening routine as you. This is our third baby and we’ve done it like this every time - it’s not forever, it does get better! (Until you have another baby 😂)
DH and I watch films and series on his laptop with one wireless earphone each (that way we can hear if there’s anything going on with the older two!). We also text each other instead of talking 😅
Honestly, I know it feels like forever now but in a couple of years you’ll laugh about it and it will seem very fleeting. Try and make the best of it and see the funny side. DH and I text each other silly gifs and things and I’ll try not to shake the baby awake with laughing while I’m feeding her. It’s all temporary!

Have you got a swing chair or can you try one? We had awful evenings, trying to eat etc but tried a swing chair & DD would fall asleep for a bit at tea time so we could eat in peace. It's truly rubbish but it will all come together & you will get your evenings back! Keep trying with an evening routine too, bath/feed/dark room & singing softly/gently shushing/white noise. It's so hard & frustrating but it doesn't last forever (well until they're older & want 50 million things at bedtime to delay going to sleep but that's a whole other story!!)

I really empathise OP - my youngest baby was a limpet.

What have you tried?

I decamped and turned the living room into a second bedroom so I could watch TV with DH in the evening.

I used a vibrating bouncy chair/rocker which he liked.

I abandoned routines as his needs changed so much at that age that nothing stuck.

It was HARD but got better from 6m onwards if I recall correctly.

I completely agree with this advice. I have also experienced the frequent nursing through the night and short naps during the day with both my DCs. Weaning at 6 months is recommended as that is when baby's gut is fully formed. It may be that your baby is waking for comfort due to teething or another reason, and I know it isn't helpful right now but this stage will definitely pass.

As for naps during the day, the only way we could get DD2 to sleep more than 30 min (i.e. one sleep cycle) was taking her out in the car. If they can get past the first sleep cycle and stay asleep into the next cycle, they will have at least an hour if not longer for a nap.

You are doing an amazing job, it is exhausting and I totally empathise with you wanting some time in the evening. Would it be possible to maybe slip downstairs again after baby is asleep and have an hour or so together before DC wakes up for another feed? That is how my DH and I eventually ended up managing some time together!

My recommendations:

Slightly early weaning, as soon as he can sit up supported.

More day naps if they're only 30 mins, aim for 2.5 hours awake max, maybe less for the first nap. Any way that works to get more day sleep in. Nights will improve!

Sleep training once he is established on food. Pick your technique. First wake - no feeding but according to technique chosen, pat, shush, cuddle or controlled cry intervals etc until he sleeps (will be tough! Make DH do it) then feed at next interval. Repeat until this first wake goes and so on.

Your evenings and nights will drastically improve. Until then, solidarity from one who only recently had the same issues!

Oh yes it is true. Waiting to wean until 6 months is not necessary and probably very unhelpful in many cases. I asked why the advice had changed to 6 months between my two and got a very honest answer from a midwife - because some parents were starting it from before 3 months so it was considered necessary to push it back to 6 months to try to make sure most wouldn’t start before 4-5 months.
There is no way either of mine would have been fine on just milk by 5 months.
Op, I think yours is not getting anything like enough sleep during the day- mine had about 90 minutes morning and afternoon. And I strongly advise that you start with some weaning to fill baby up - waking every two hours at night is horrific. And I’d also second the advice about trying to spend some time with your DH of an evening - low lights and low sound. We were able to cuddle baby and watch a quiet film or show in the lounge. I never sat upstairs in the evening.

Hi OP, just wanted to send some love and echo the comments that this will be a phase but it’s bloody hard when you’re in the middle of it!!

At some point soon you’ll be sat watching Netflix with your DH and a glass of wine watching the LO on the baby monitor and it will feel amazing!

Sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job x

No it’s not. What a ridiculous generalisation.

i breastfed two babies for 18 months each, both slept wonderfully and had long naps in the day.

my friend breastfed two babies for 18 months, one was a terrible sleeper and couldn’t be put down for naps.
one slept perfectly and barely wakes at night from the get go.

another friend bottlefed two babies and neither slept well at all and only napped for about 45 mins plus a 30 min nap in a day and she was at her wits end.

all babies are different, whether toy bottle feed or breastfeed has little to no difference on how they sleep

Could you try and increase the morning nap? Does baby sleep in the pram? Perhaps go for a walk and leave baby in the pram in the house to keep sleeping and you can get some time to yourself. In the summer I'd leave my son in the pram in the back garden, once it got colder I'd mastered manoeuvring the pram up the steps and through the door as still as anything to keep him asleep.

Also where did you get a dp from that cooks and cleans when he gets home from work?