To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

I do get what you're saying and if it makes the OP feel better that's great but people who have objectively have good sleepers or who bottle feed or who never co-sleep or who try and get their babies into good sleep routines are also loving and supporting their children. And there's no bigger 'pay off' if you suffer more. I had my children in great routines and did occasionally leave them to settle themselves and can see no difference in the level of attachment and closeness I have with them versus some of my friends who literally made husks of themselves in the first year. There is no inherent virtue in lying under a baby for a year without trying to do some things that might mean you both have a chance of more and better sleep. For all the OP's sacrifice, this is not by the sounds of it, an especially contented baby.

@theleafandnotthetree but it's got nothing to do with how baby is being fed, it's getting them to sleep is the issue!! Do you think it's impossible to put a breastfed baby down to sleep?

Bottle feeding is absolutely fine if that's what any woman chooses to do but this is just lazy advice, it's got nothing to do with "suffering". OP could bottle feed until the cows come home and baby will still be experiencing sleep regression.

@Seasonofthewitch83 have you used the Jay Gordon method?

I'm not ready to night wean yet (9mo), but have read it for future reference.

My DD is 2.5 now and she does long stretches without me at night and has slept through when she stayed over with my mum when I was taken into hospital, as well as sleeping like a log unaided at nursery. I know that its totally for comfort and as we still cosleep I have been guilty of just boobing her when she stirs because once she wakes up shes up for hours and I am too lazy and not ready for it still!

I wish I had seen the Jay Gordon method when she was younger, and I am going to try it in a few weeks once shes resettled at nursery..

OP you have my sympathy, I remember so clearly feeling exactly the same. The baby days are long over for me so I can assure you it does pass.

In terms of practical advice, all I can offer you is that it's worth maybe trying the other way around - have your evening watching a movie and get the baby to fit in around you. Put them in a basket downstairs with you, feed them while you're watching TV. I drove myself bonkers at around the same time trying to settle my eldest in her room, it was such a waste of time. Slings were a revelation to me so that baby gets contact and you get to crack on with your life.

It will pass, don't panic!

I would try the Huckleberry app.

He's definitely overtired.
It does get easier! I promise. I've gone through this three times and I remember desperately wanting my evenings back as well.
It will come. Whether you choose a routine for him or not, you will get there eventually.

Exactly

i have moved back home and formula feeding is the norm amongst family friends and relatives. Formula feeding (and early weaning) is apparently how you get a baby who ‘sleeps through the night’. I know anecdotally many women don’t even attempt to BF because they believe this.

My cousin is particularly down because her FF baby thinks it’s party time between 10pm and 4am, waking every hour. she was promised a good sleeper by aunts and friends if she formula fed!

I was worried myself about ‘suffering’ and I’m pleased I wasn’t swayed. My BF baby is a good sleeper…but it’s nothing to do with how she is being fed.

.

But…OP, for some practical advice rather than the bunfight- I have a cosleeping breastfed baby who sleeps great

your baby sounds overtired to me so I would target the daytime sleep rather than the evening

our very loose routine/some ideas

out in the pram everyday at around 10/11 when they are starting to yawn. The motion keeps her going into another sleep cycle. Often if DH has a flexi day or is free then we’ll go get a coffee together at this time. This is lovely.

if I can’t be bothered to go out, pram is set up in the hall and I run up and down the hallway with it or jiggle on the spot

lots of playtime. We bathe together every day with lots of toys and a light machine in the bathroom. Even if I’m doing chores I turn it into a game, give her some spatulas to whack. It’s exhausting but exhausts her. Generally is ready to sleep after me annoying her like this.

if still not asleep then playtime in her cot (only used for daytime naps or baby prison) regularly whilst I potter around or dangle toys over the bar. she doesn’t see it as a scary place and will sometimes fall asleep when playing in it.

when DH finishes work he has her for at least an hour solo. He will grab her and play with her and settle her to sleep. Sometimes she will cry for a first but she has lots of snuggles and never gets so distressed. If she has gone full exorcist, we swap.

we then just let her hang out with us until we go to sleep at half 10/11. She has dinner with us, and because she is well rested and chill from the day, is happy to play on her playmat or bounce in her bouncer whilst we watch a film and have a glass of wine. We all then head to bed together. If I’m particularly tired, I’ll go up after dinner and enjoy snuggling in bed. Sometimes I’ll just enjoy the quiet, sometimes DH will join me to watch something on the iPad or listen to a podcast. Baby still doesn’t go down for the night until 10ish.

I agree that he needs more than a couple of 30 min naps per day. Sorry I didn’t put it in my original post that I am aware this is nowhere near enough sleep for a baby. I think it’s all very well people saying they wouldn’t be going to bed at 7pm but today I have been out most of the afternoon and he had a 30 mins nap in the pram. I have been trying to get him to nap since 4pm today and still no joy! So those of you that say you wouldn’t go to bed what would you do? Sit there and listen to your child scream all evening? Or continue for hours on end to get him to nap?

This is why I just resign myself to bed because that’s the only way we get some peace. Husband is late home from work today so I’ve not been able to make dinner or eat. I may just go to bed now and be done with it 😔

Forgot to mention, he is not happy to just hang out with us. He will cry because he’s overtired but there’s usually nothing that will get him to sleep. Even if I feed him and keep him on me at some point he will come off and be unhappy. I do get that some people would just let him cry but it gets my stress levels through the roof. Also, how is that giving DH and me the evening together? We can hardly relax with a baby screaming himself silly!

I always thought I wanted 2 kids but seriously thinking this is it now and 1 is plenty 😂

Sounds tough but honesty just put him to bed after his feed. I’ve had 3 and breastfed all for 18 months so I get it. Of course they would rather just have you right next to them but he doesn’t need to be feeding that often that he can’t be left. All mine were dreadful sleepers until they were one but by 5 months I’d get 7pm - 10pm and then a feed at 10pm then around 3/4ish then morning wake up feed. You’ll find it tough to begin with but honestly he’ll soon get used to it and you’ll really appreciate those few hours of no baby time!!

It will get easier OP, I promise.

Can you put him on a play mat with a mobile for entertainment?

No unfortunately not 🙁 he screams if I do that. I’ve given up and gone to bed without any dinner now. Baby is happy hugging me bed and breastfeeding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ditch that advice. Ours slept downstairs with us as newborns then when the TV disturbed them (around 3 months) they went upstairs in a crib in our room from 7. We usually went to bed around 11. They never slept on us or in bed with us.
Into their own rooms from 4-5 mths with a proper bedtime routine, asleep by 7. One dropped their last feed around 4 months the other not until 8 months.

Undoubtedly some babies are naturally better sleepers but we worked at it from day 1 as well. Endless pick up put down, encouragement to take a dummy (with DC 2 it took ages to find a dummy they'd take).

We never had a unicorn sleeper who slept 12 hours straight from 6 weeks and both of ours were a bit hit and miss daytime napping (my fault as I liked to get out and about so wasn't v good at sticking to a routine) but by 6 months they both did a proper night's sleep.

I think you can probably still kick some of the bad habits into touch given his age and have a better second half of the year. Better to do it now than have a 1 year old who still sleeps like this.

Thank you. It helps to hear it and remember this isn’t forever! At least I can ask hubby to bring me dinner in bed 😂

@Kneepillowfan definitely had days like this with dc1 and wish I'd used the baby carrier more, it freed up my hands to do other things even if I had to physically carry baby all the time. Whatever about dinner, you have to look after yourself during the day.

100% on hubs bringing you something delicious in bed (food!!!) - you deserve it doll. It’s not easy. Team work makes the dream work and all that old guff.

wake windows are kind of all maybe a load of old shite? Babies massive hugggggely on sleep needs. My baby could go 3-5 hours at this age between a snooze some days, my sisters baby would be 1-2 at most. Both normal, just at different ends of the spectrum.

something I found really calming for me personally was the mantra ‘it’s not my job to make my baby sleep’

it’s my job to be as calm as possible, relaxed and as comforting as I can be. But it’s impossible to ‘make’ a baby sleep. It’s a biologically need (they also don’t need trained 😜)

I can set up a conducive environment to sleep but I took that pressure of myself early on and it really helped. Overtired is also something I’m not 100% as a theory either. Sure, they get a rush if energy if they get super tired but they will crash.

I know you mentioned no social media so I’d recommend one of Lynsey Hookways books. I’m actually re listening to the audio book as my LO falls asleep with headphones (maybe something for you during tonight’s lie down?) I promise I’m not taking commission on sales of hers 😂 she’s just helped me hugely and I think we have similar parenting ethos and styles based on your comments so it may help you too x

“but here I do wonder if over tiredness may be a contributing factor”!

I absolutely wholeheartedly agree. I have a 9 month old now. She’s my first. I had no idea this was real. She used to get so hyper, laughing at nothing, needing CONSTANT attention. It was so draining. She did 3 x half hour naps and would wake constantly through the night. Before bed she used to get so angry, inconsolable some nights, I thought she was Ill, honestly.

Took us so long to realise she was tired. I spent 3 x days sleeping next to her to try and get her to sleep longer and break the over tiredness cycle. She slept for 8 hours during 1 of those days. When she would wake I’d cuddle her close, breast feed and shush pat her back to sleep. That night was the first time she slept through the night. 20 hours sleep in total. It was so hard to break the cycle but we now recognise the signs of her being tired (very vocal, eye rubbing, hyper) and we get her straight to bed. A 6pm bed time, every night without fail has helped massively. Set a routine, we do bath, bottle and bed now. (I stopped BF a few months ago).

either way I know it’s tough, it won’t last forever and I wish you and your partner lots of luck x

You wouldn’t be able to do it with a second child the first one won’t allow you. You would have to be more considerate of your time if you had more children.

Subsequent children just have to make do with slightly firmer parenting because you simply cannot be like this when you have an older toddler to care for. they simply have to fit into your life and routine, as opposed to you changing your routine for them (like you are doing with baby).

It’s definitely not easy is it! I do think wake windows for my LO are different from the norm. For his first nap of the day in the morning he will happily sleep after about 2 hours being awake but as the day goes on for his second nap he needs a longer stretch. If I try to make him sleep any earlier than 3 hours he shouts at me 😂 and I’m still working on getting a third nap, I can sometimes get that third nap if he falls asleep on the breast but then it’s only a cat nap of a few minutes! That’s interesting to read about your baby having bigger wake windows too. It’s very possible this is half the problem with my LO, just need to work harder to keep him happy of an evening 🤔

I agree babies don’t need sleep training even though I know people swear by it. It’s just not for me.

Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll look up lynseys book. I do like to read in bed with book behind LOs head if it’s not to heavy to hold haha

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Why haven’t you been able to make something to eat??? Sometimes you just have to let the baby cry.

I guess I’m not used to letting him cry. When I say cry, it’s screaming until he can’t catch his breath, choking and spluttering. Even once he’s stopped crying he sobs for about half an hour. I just can’t do that to him 😔 I know this must be a first time mum thing!

Hubby is now home and brought me Thai red curry so I’m feeling less sorry for myself haha