To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

I've tried giving him a bottle before bed but he still wants to lie with me and will not sleep unless I breastfeed him even if he is full. I don't think it's hunger so I won't be weaning early like other people have suggested. It seems to be his thing he likes for comfort whether he's hungry or not.

Do you think baby might be hungry if he's waking so often, and ready to try solids?

Get your husband to do the bottle and go out with your friends for a couple of hours!

Sounds like he enjoys the comfort of his mama which is totally normal and age appropriate (again, doesn’t mean it’s not really hard too for you ❤️)

sounds like you’ve got a super power in BF and being able to soothe him back to sleep so quickly which is massively helpful at 4.16am 🙃😂

They just want the closeness (it’s a survival instinct at its core) and comfort feeding is massively important part of development.

it takes a village though and I hope you’re being supported by yours in both the days and nights

My youngest is over 2.5 and I'm still waiting for evenings back. Just how life is now, for us anyway.

Why on earth is this the case?!

This really isn’t ‘normal’ at all.

You either accept this and carry on for as long as DS wants you to or you decide you want to change things and work towards your goal. I would do the 2nd. Personally, I wouldn't be feeding a 5 month old in the night. You will have 3-4 horrendous nights but then he will start to get it. DC 1 & 2 I did controlled crying at times, DC 3 I didn't need to. Some of my friends couldn't and still bed share with their 8 year old and have no evening to themselves, then there's everything in between. Sorry its a bit waffle but what I'm saying is work out what you want more and then implement changes to get you there. What's right for me may not be right for you, your friend etc but you need to do what's right for you.

With love, it’s really normal ♥️

we have a culture in the UK especially where we want babies to be really independent but it just isn’t biologically normal at all. They just want us to be close - for them they don’t know about cots and baby monitors and breathing detectors etc. all they know is that being close to mum = safety and survival.

I don’t say this to convince you (all experiences are valid) but more so that my comment is amongst others for anyone (including OP) to read too and perhaps not feel so pressured on what infancy and early parenthood should look like.

as mentioned above, can’t recommend Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram enough x

I remember this well. There are periods with small children when you get no evenings and after a while it makes you go a bit batshit. They pass though.
Def agree with others just wean the baby at least it's a thing to try x

I really sympathise, it's awful when your whole evenings are consumed, it's a really difficult phase. If you're ok with sleep training then do controlled crying as soon as he gets to six months and you will get your evenings back within a few nights. But in the meantime you'll have to fix the overtiredness by getting him to have a third nap in the pram. Don't worry about taking time to get him and you "ready" etc, just get him in a pramsuit, shove your coat on and get out the door, just walk up and down your road until he's asleep. It shouldn't be time consuming to get him out in the pram. If he requires constant motion and staying outside in order to stay asleep then that is a bit more time consuming, but still worth it to fix the tiredness/crankiness post 6pm.

Sounds like he's ready to wean and is hungry!

I have a 4 month old and she is bottle fed, so slightly different circumstances. During the day she still sleeps for about 4 hours I'd say! And sleeps from about 9.30pm-8.00am no feed during the night since she was 10 weeks. Maybe try the dummy again? My daughter is following in my other daughters footsteps in every way so far, which means she will become an Arsehole when it comes to sleep at about 9 months of age lol 🤣

We were in your shoes with our son until he was six months.

Then we sleep trained at 6 months using an app called “little ones” and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Lots of support from sleep experts. Very little crying involved (if there had been we would have stopped)- I would definitely call this gentle sleep training and not “cry it out” - more just a schedule of sleeps, naps, meals and snack. The theory being that once the naps are in place the nights take care of themselves.

Within a few days our son was sleeping through for 12 hours and napping well. It did give us less flexibility to be our and about during the day - not everyone’s cup of tea- but totally worth it for us. Our son is now 4 years and still sleeps 7-7 ish. Always sleeps well unless he is unwell.

My DD is a year old now but I totally remember that feeling! I also EBF and it's so tough. It's hard when it's your first as it doesn't seem possible but it will change, and probably sooner than you realise. I'm not a huge fan of the advice to wean early, the reason it's six month is to do with choking reduction (so they need to sit unaided and to have lost the tongue reflex) but all that being said if your LO is showing signs of readiness go for it.

As for waking frequently, I also had that, again it does get better. Do they always wake for food, or for a "comfort" feed to get back to sleep (breast milk has hormones to induce sleepiness after all!). As much as it sucks the frequent waking is within the realms of "normal" for their age and wouldn't concern a GP or hv. All that aside that doesn't mean you have to continue as is if you don't want to, you can try sleep training, weaning early etc BUT what I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with what's happening, and it'll change soon I promise.

I really agree on the naps needing to be longer though, that'll probably be the game changer here. Sleep breeds sleep and all that! Do contact naps extend them? I found with mine that's the only thing that did and I got through all series of Downton Abbey very quickly! Just remember you're doing great X

Sleep training is very very difficult. But you can implement small steps, small changes, that make a big difference within say a month.

you've had very good advice on this thread. You could implement some of it. Think about how much he's sleeping during the day. do the bath, bed, lying him down, sit with him, soothe him, leave him. if he starts to get upset come back. and then reduce it down each day. Learning to self settle is a skill. and it takes time for a baby to learn. It's not a quick fix and you must go into it, knowing that, all these little things added together may help you.

Poor you my DS (now 6) was exactly the same, I could have written your post! To be honest nothing I did changed him and made him sleep better, it was just a waiting game. It WILL get better eventually hang in there. As I say DS is 6 now and is a joy. He sleeps from 8-7 every day. Life won’t always stay like it is now. Best of luck.

@Kneepillowfan - I have no words of wisdom other than-

• I could have written your post when I was in the thick of baby stage . I hated it and missed my husband and my life prior to having a baby. Dare I say I even had thoughts of not loving my baby as much as my husband .
• My baby is now a 3 year old and I am a whole different person to the person I was before having a baby. I can't even remember who I was back then or what I enjoyed ! You will be a new person too in time - but right now your old life is still so fresh in your memory and it's natural that you miss it.
• I have no words or advice other than to survive as much as you can. newborns are bloody hard work and the sleep deprivation is brutal! The mental strain is huge and for me it lasted a year because my daughter is incredibly needy and clingy . After a year I started to feel a bit more normal and started to sleep more .

Do what you can to survive - accept help where you can and hang on in there . Toddler stage was the best in my opinion!!

Time to get tough (nicely)

In the cot for naps - lie them on their side, gentle pressure down on them and then rhythmically tap their bum at speed - yes, he will gurn desperately but you'll be surprised how quickly he goes off (roll back on to his back before you leave him)

No hanging out on the boob for an hour at bedtime - breastfeed, bath, story, top up bottle from dad, dad lies in cot, repeats side ways bum tapping till he nods off.

Use a carrier to guarantee a longer snooze and a walk for you

And know that it will pass - food made fuck all difference to how either of mine slept - I could have stuffed my eldest with 10 bananas and he still would have woken up, so ignore the ridiculous your milk isnt enough comments

*dad lies baby in cot, not your dh laying in the cot himself 😂😂😂

Weaning advice changed from 4 months to 6 months between my two DC’s, now 14 and 17 years. Both wholly breastfed until 4 months and then weaned as they just couldn’t settle, but still only had breastmilk for another year. The sleeping and naps got so much better when their tummies were full. Good luck.

He always wakes after 30 mins and I’ve tried everything to get him back to sleep but he will just cry and cry. I will start hun on solids when he’s 6 months but to begin with that will only be trying little bits of food to get him used to it. I don’t want to be too forceful with introducing solids tbh.

I don’t think it’s hunger as I’ve tried him with bottles of breast milk and formula but it makes no difference he still wants feeding every 2 hours and he’s been that way since birth. Actually when he was first born it was more like every 1.5 hours plus cluster feeding in the evenings, so it has got better I guess. I suppose I’m just too exhausted to see the bigger picture!

Get the Ferber sleep training book.

But you can still have a night off and let your husband do bottle feeds even if it is every two hours. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Can you get something like a jumperoo or a swing or something to put ds in whilst you eat? From about 4 mos we would pop dd in a swinging seat or jumperoo (she loved being upright) whilst we ate and had a glass of wine with the radio on. She’d be fine for half an hour or so in there. Then feed on the sofa whilst watching a film and having snacks.