To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

My DS (now 9mo) sounds very similar to yours. It's really tough. You'll get a lot of people suggesting sleep training on here - which is fine if that's what you want to do - but I believe that sleep is developmental, and have seen improvements in DS recently that I can only put down to his readiness. He's gone from waking every 2 hours overnight to waking up once or twice, which is very common and a lot more manageable. He's also showing signs of falling alseep independently, although daytime sleep is still a challenge, so I'm out in the pram with him a couple of times a day to ensure he gets enough rest.

I tend to think that overtiredness is overprescribed, but I do agree with PP that if DS is only having 2 x 30 min naps then he probably is overtired. My DS was on 3 naps a day until he was 7mo and I wouldn't say he has average sleep needs.

At 5 months I fed dd every two hours during the day whether she showed signs of wanting it or not. 7, 9, 11, 1, 3, 5, 7
If I didn't she was more disturbed in the night as hungry.
It was a real chore but that and the introduction of solids at 6months definitely helped.

@NotTooOldPaul would love a tv in our room if we had the space and could afford it. Maybe that’s an idea to implement before we consider any subsequent children haha

DS was like this, we gently sleep-trained him when he was about 6 months old and it was seriously life-changing. Actually it was life-saving. I was completely at the end of my tether before we did it, I was fantasising about driving into a tree so I could have a break, in hospital.

Do you think you handle him to much at night do you try to rock him first before picking him up?

This is such a hard phase! Hope your are doing ok! I'm not an expert so have no suggestions other than to say hang on in there - me and my DP used to sit in bed watching an iPad on headphones and eating cheese during the early days, but it does get better. Look after yourself and ask for help so you can get a nap in the day if you are up late.

Could you try a sleep coach? Some have very reasonable or free chapters? Just Chill Mama and Magic Sleep Fairy on Instagram just to name a couple. Maybe worth the small investment for a bit more balance 😘 xx

I am breastfeeding pretty much every 2 hours during the day and night. I struggle to find time or energy to express enough breast milk so that DH could take over the feeding. I do understand this is why a lot of people don’t want to bf but I really want to continue bf

It sounds like your baby is feeding to sleep and waking at the end of each sleep cycle, which is why 30 minutes during the day and 2 hours at night. Mine also did this and woke every 1.5 hours for weeks long stretches. I'd suggest sleep well with Hannah - she's on Facebook. I actually didn't do her full course but at about 9m just started cuddling baby to sleep, then laying next to them, etc. for first nap, then both naps, then night time sleep once naps were working ok (although still carried on with some night feeds to keep supply up). We're still co-sleeping but the night wakes are much less frequent, and we now have our evenings back. If you don't want to do this baby will naturally start being able to piece sleep cycles together but it may take longer. Either way, it's all temporary, you will get through it.

You have my sympathy - this stage is so hard. I agree with some PP, it sounds like DS is overtired , possibly overestimated during the day and maybe hungry. If you don't want to start weaning until 6 months, the suggestion of pumping so you or DH can bottle feed in the evening is a sensible one. Or introduce a formula bottle feed for that last feed.
When is DS napping? My twins went back to bed for a morning nap from about 5 months and slept for about 2-3 hours, then had a shorter one in the afternoon and were therefore ready for proper bedtime at about 6.30pm. They'd wake for a bottle after about 6 hours and then do another 5 or 6.
It sounds harsh but you do need to teach him that he can settle and sleep by himself. A baby that is fed, the right temperature, clean and dry might grizzle but letting them.settle themselves Will not cause psychological damage. You and DH also need to think about yourselves too.
Hang in there, it does get easier.

Ooh I remember this feeling and my lo was that age (well it was maybe three months old) we didn't have smart phones so I sat playing cards/solitaire on the bed! Until one night feeling like a zombie having my life sucked from me not just milk, we went to bottle and dummy! It will get better 💐

He sleeps mostly in his pram during the day. I don’t feel I can cope with any more walking than I currently do. I already take him out twice per day to get him to nap. He will sometimes nap in his Moses basket downstairs for his first nap of the day, but as the day goes on it becomes more and more difficult to get him to nap as he fights his sleep so much.

You can use formula too, you don’t need to express necessarily. Baby is nowhere near getting enough sleep in the day.

Haven’t read full thread, just OPs replies.

Have had two bad sleepers, not all babies can be put down and left and will sleep happily. My second one is slightly better but my first was awful at sleeping.

OP have you tried a baby carrier? When either baby was getting bored or frustrated I’d pop them in and then either go for a walk or do chores like hoover, wash up and they’d eventually fall asleep for their nap. When they start to wake after 30-40 minutes you can rock them back to sleep for another sleep cycle. It’s the only thing that kept my sanity.

For the evenings can you feed and then roll away and leave baby on bed? With a video monitor and when the baby wakes go and feed then roll away again. That’s what I do for number 2. He’s 7 months and wakes continually, has had three wakes between 8 and 10.30. Takes a few minutes to breastfeed him back to sleep, I then roll away and go back to the living room.

It’s hard, feels never ending, but I promise it will end. My first baby is a brilliant sleeper at 2.5 years old and she spent her first 18 months having to touch me when she slept. They do get through these phases.

She just doesn’t like sleeping and tells us very often. To get her to sleep takes ages, we are lucky if we are downstairs by 9.
Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad for others but doesn’t give us much time for anything fun or relaxing. Though that’s partly because we have several hours work to do after that which obviously isn’t the case for most people

He is generally quite happy in the mornings but by the time he’s had his first nap of the day he becomes a bit more difficult to please. For example, I can’t put him down to make lunch or make a cup of tea unless I turn it into a bit of game. I put music on and sing nursery rhymes/play peekaboo and constantly interact with him pretty much all the time he is awake. If I don’t he will start to moan or cry. Once he is in full on rage of crying h is hard to calm down so I try to keep him happy before he gets to that stage.

The only time I can put him in his bouncer and he’s happy just to sit there is in the morning when I shower. He comes into the bathroom with me and sits in there quite happily.

Op would you consider maybe a co sleep first nap? If you’re knackered and have no plans honestly why get up and get him dressed just to fight to him to nap. Could you change bum when he wakes, sit him in bed with you whilst you scroll
phone and have a brew and toast in bed and then after an hour or so feed him again and see if he will cuddle and sleep and you can either nap too or read or do online banking or do the food shop online or whatever. I do this still maybe one day a week with 7mo dd and I love it. She sleeps really well snuggled by me in bed for that morning nap.

Oh OP, the more you reply, the more your DS sounds just like mine!

As I said in my previous reply, at 9mo my DS is already a lot better than he was at 5mo. And the responses from PP who have much older babies reassure me that this is just a season.

All my sympathy, OP. My baby was EXACTLY like yours until recently. The child just did not sleep much during the day (or night!) It all started to change at around 10 months when she started crawling around, then standing and cruising. I honestly think she just started to tire herself out physically, which she couldn't do when she wasn't able to get around under her own steam.
Whatever caused the transformation, she's now sleeping one long nap, and pretty much all night. Hoping it's not just a phase, but it probably is :-)
Sending positive vibes - keep on keeping on!

I could be out for 2 hours with him in the pram, he will still only sleep for 30 mins. Sometimes if I am out the whole day he will do 2 naps in there but again only 30 mins. I do usually take him out for either 1 long walk or 2 short ones. Don’t feel I have time for any more walking as I need to get things done at home and feed myself too 😅

He also doesn’t sleep on car journeys as much as the pram. Sometimes he will sleep in the car but only for his usual 30 mins or so haha

I could have written this.
It passes, gets much easier and there’s a lot of joy to come
You sound like fab parents x

I also think your baby needs more food. My DS was weaned at 4 months because he needed it. 5 months is more than old enough to start weaning. Or switch to formula.

I'm going to guess that you're not in the leaving them to cry camp (neither was I),

To me, your baby sounds within the range of normal for his age. My first was a 'better' sleeper than this, my second 'worse'. Both have since gone through good and bad phases with bed & sleep. Weaning made no difference here, and my second got worse in the months following weaning (3-4hr stretches to hourly for a long time).

The only suggestion that I'd make is to make a decision rather than being led into anything automatically. I found it helped psychologically.

By this I mean you dont HAVE to give up your evening and have a baby on the boob - it's a decision you have made to be baby/comfort led. So, take pride that you are being that comfort, and do what can you do to make it as bearable as possible. Screen upstairs, upstairs, audiobooks etc.

Or decide to try to change things, and feel proud of making that decision too.

This stage wont last forever. It'll be replaced by others - some easier, some honestly harder, but they eventually pass.

At 3+5 I often have evenings, but sometimes I still don't. I go to bed late to maximize them, as it's usually 8-9 before both are down. But there have previously been periods where they'd be asleep at 7.30 (and sleep through). Sleep isnt linear, and no stage lasts forever.

Your sound like your doing a great job.

Just want to say I’ve been where you are (with my first baby) and it was so tough! But it 100% will get better.

Im on second baby now and this one is nothing like the first.

For the sake of your mental health I strongly recommend prioritising your own rest. Could you go to bed at 6/7pm and your partner feed formula while you get 4 hours undisturbed sleep? Then if the rest of your night is spent waking and feeding atleast you’ve got a bit in your tank.

Co sleeping also helped me, once I felt baby was big enough to make it safe. We had a mattress on the floor and no pillows / duvets - all the safe co sleeping recommendations. Then I didn’t need to get up to feed in the night and went back to sleep easier.

It will get easier. Make sure you ask for as much support from friends and family as you can

Sorry OP I haven't read the whole thread but have you tried a sling for naps? My son loved napping cuddled up close to me in the sling both home and out and about and found with the bouncing and close contact he would stay asleep a bit longer.