To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

So sorry op, it's so hard I'm currently on my third child who is 9months old. Don't listen when people say about start weaning now to make him full. It doesn't work. Just the introduction of solids and natural ability to go longer between feeds coincides. But, not if your my son. As I say he's 9months but he still only goes a max of 2-3hours between feeds. And he's on 3full meals a day. Also he's breastfed. People who say put him on a formula, again, that will make no difference to how they go down, as its child dependant. My middle dc, also breastfed, slept between 9-12hrs straight through the night from 9weeks, and had 2 2-3hr naps during the day. Its just the personality of your child.
It will get better though, 5months isn't a long time, be kind to yourself, get little one in a routine (if not already) of bath, massage, story, feed then bed every night. It helps them to know what's going to happen. My first used to cluster feed from 6.30pm until 10pm every night until they were about 5.5months. So I used to feed her downstairs with the lights off watching TV quietly, take her upstairs when she was asleep. Eating my tea with just a fork. My second I was downstairs by 7pm, just dh and I. With our third I'm up to his room regularly through the evening/night, doesn't cluster. 3 dc, all the same routine/weaned the same age (26weeks), exclusively breasfed for 1yr (my third will be also), 3 completely different experiences. My first 2 both sleep now 7pm until 6.30-7.30am. Praying its not long until my third does this.

I would be inclined to say he is overtired rather than jump on the early weaning. Two 30 minute naps just isn’t enough at that age. I would spend a few days doing anything possible to get him some more sleep during the day. This might be by driving endlessly or super long walks. Once he’s had a few days of more sleep this normally brings even more sleep.
I’m not promising it will make him sleep better at night but it will give you a little more time to yourself

Yep same here, I simply couldn't survive on such huge lack of sleep and me having to do all the feeds. Absolutely no regrets. Sorry OP this sounds incredibly tough, we have had a strong routine going from very early days and it's massively paid off. What have you tried so far?

My first thought was that maybe your baby is overtired. Perhaps overstimulated? I’d expect a baby that age to have 3 daytime naps including one long one at lunchtime. Do you you pick him up the moment he stirs? I wonder if he might go back to sleep if ignored? And is fine to be boring and just get on with things and sit and watch tv or read a book when he’s awake. You don’t have to entertain them every minute of the day.

It will pass though, I promise. I think 6 months is usually a bit of a turning point, and it won’t be long before you should be able to put him down at 7 or so and have your evenings back.

Have you tried walking in the evenings? DD was settled during the day but very grumpy in the evenings. I found that she’d be perfectly content being walked around in the pram from 7ish for 1-2 hours and would then be lovely when we got home.

Don’t get stuck in the trap of going up to bed at 7…

RoseAndGeranium · Today 19:46
Oh my goodness, this sounds so hard. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated and resentful and burnt out by this, so let those feelings wash over you and don’t beat yourself up for them. A few thoughts:

it’s not forever! Everything is a phase, and at some point your baby will sleep through the evenings and you will have some adult time again. I know you know that, but it’s important to keep hearing it and saying it.
Two 30 minute naps is not a lot of sleep for a 5 month old at all, and I say that as the mother of two babies who have needed much less sleep than the books and sites recommend. Usually on these threads I’d advocate cutting down on naps, but here I do wonder if over tiredness may be a contributing factor. It’s very hard because some babies don’t show they’re tired and many (both of mine!) are hard to get to sleep even when they’re tired. Baby number 1 would only sleep in his pram after a certain point and baby number two will only sleep in the car, in the sling (only if I play pop music and bop along) or on the boob. What do you do to get your boy to sleep and how are you determine when he needs a nap? The fact that you say he needs a lot of entertainment in the day makes me wonder if you’re mistaking tiredness for boredom sometimes? I know I did this with first for a while.
once he’s asleep in the evening does he sleep well? Could you watch a movie with the volume fairly low on a laptop in bed?
Good luck and all my sympathy. You’re doing a wonderful job and you will get there.

I’m new to MN so I had to copy and paste so I could see and respond to your points sorry!

Thanks, you are right. I do need to hear this won’t be forever and there are really lovely bits of motherhood that I’m enjoying for the most part, it’s just evenings with my DH I miss.

I do think he’s overtired but he will not nap unless put in the pram and in between breastfeeding, making sure he gets good interaction and feeding myself, I don’t manage to get out more than twice to get him to sleep. Even the pram walks only get him to sleep for 30 mins. On the odd occasion it’s been 50 mins. He sometimes shows signs of tiredness but the minute I put him in his crib, cot or Moses basket he screams as if he knows what I’m trying to do and doesn’t want it haha. I’ve tried doing his bedtime routine for naps too. It just seems like nothing works!

Once we are in bed we end up watching separate things on our phones because it’s easier for me to feed DS lying on my side. Once he is asleep he sleeps for the whole night apart from waking every two hours for a feed, but goes back to sleep again.

I've been there recently too (in the past year!) and feeling like I’d never spend a normal evening again. It does happen though, I promise. Now most evenings I get a few hours to myself after bedtime (some times baby will wake up though and need a resettle, sometimes won’t wake again until middle of the night). Do you follow Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram? She is fantastic and really normalises infancy and parenting in a kind and empathic way. We didn’t sleep trying (not for us, couldn’t and wouldn’t do it) and I know a lot of people might mention this to you in person and online but babies just want us close. It’s really normal and sometimes, really hard. Would you consider keeping baby downstairs and feeding whilst you guys watch a film etc? It’s a myth that babies must sleep in their cots etc to get ‘good’ sleep. You’ll probably find babe is happy to sleep through the noise of meals and TV noise and your chatter as long as they have a nipple at the ready 😂 it’ll get better and it’ll be sooner than you think. It’s all a phase, sending love xxx

I remember asking the same question here when my DS was around that age....lots of people saying I'd get my evenings back when he was 18, I've chosen to have a child so it's my fault etc etc. Made me cry. Ignore these people....I don't think you have long to go now! My DS is now 2 and always asleep by 7pm. Think was around 8 months this started (but not breastfed). Evenings are precious! Hold on in there. Hugs x

My child is 10 and I still don’t have my evenings back 😂

This!!! The baby is hungry and unsettled and needs more milk.

My two DC were so different. Firstborn very similar to what you've just described. Very clingy and unsettled and I remember clearly feeling all the emotions you have described in your post, OP.

He was a small baby, I was inexperienced at breastfeeding of course and he had trouble gaining weight. I was determined to stick at it and I didn't understand the cycle. He would only fall asleep when he was feeding and I would let him because it was the only break I got as he wasn't sleeping well at night. So he wasn't getting enough milk as he was snoozing rather than feeding and that led to unsettled behaviour, bad sleep, and me being exhausted and emotionally frazzled as I never got a break. I had recurring bouts of thrush on the breast due to not latching him on properly so feeding could be agonising and I was utterly exhausted. I felt trapped and miserable, reduced to a sleepless milking machine.

Things only changed when I began to combi feed. I only did this as we were not allowed to be discharged from midwife care due to his only gaining very little weight. As soon as I got over the mental barrier of using formula, life got so much better. I no longer felt the fear every time he cried. It took pressure off if I was sore from thrush and gave me a break. I could have a shower on my own or eat my dinner as husband could bottle feed. And my DS gained weight and so began to sleep better and be generally more settled.

I heard so many all or nothing horror stories from midwives about how if I started to use formula my own milk supply would drop, the baby would get 'nipple confusion' and not be able to breastfeed any longer etc. That was all absolute bollocks. They wouldn't supply any detail on combi feeding so I turned to the internet.

I continued to feed him myself and also give the occasional supplementary bottle. In time,I ditched the bottle feeds and returned to exclusive breastfeeding when things had stabilised.

With my second born DD, it was so different. From birth I woke her up every three hours for a feed, something I hadn't dared to do with DS. I made sure she was latched properly and she was awake during the whole feed. She took in a good amount of milk, and that meant she slept longer during naps and at night. I was better rested because she was more content and could be put down and I had just that little bit more freedom and rest that I felt much more sane.

I had a couple of the ready made formula bottles in the cupboard ready to go, just to take the psychological pressure off, but never needed them!

My point is it really is all connected-feeding/ sleep/your own emotional state. You have to do what's right for you and your son, but just be aware that you have options, it doesn't have to be all bottle or all breast.

Newborn babies are programmed to eat constantly and gain weight, so everything comes from that. If they're not getting enough milk and are hungry, everything else falls apart.

hate to be negative but this is me and my 21 month old to a t. i blame breastfeeding, if i could go back in time and combi feed / cut the boob at 1 year old i would. have had second dd since who is combi fed and so far it’s so much less tying

It’s tough, my ds2 was a really tough baby. I got very little rest and sleep for the first year or so. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it’s a phase and it really doesn’t last forever. The saying ‘the days are long but the years are short’ is so true when you become a parent. DS2 is at Uni now and he’s not caused me a day’s trouble since he was a baby. He makes me heart melt when he smiles at me as I remember how tough it was for me in those first few years but how wonderful it turned out.

id recommended weaning soon and getting a bedtime routine in place. Start putting him down awake after he’s been fed. Good luck

@PolarBlair i would sit downstairs with him if he would feed and settle with me but he just will not settle downstairs in the evening. He wants to lie down next to me so I can breastfeed him

Just to add too, do you cosleep? (Hopefully this won’t cause a scene on MN by saying that term…!) I wonder if you and Hubs could snuggle down with baby whilst you side lie him to sleep? Then just have his snuggled up as you chat or have a film on etc. or even read books together.

hopefully your husband will be happy to keep you company if you explain that you’re missing your old evenings together, it’s just for a short time really and it’ll be nice for you both to have some down time together in the evenings. Both being able to cuddle up together for even an hour makes all the difference x

I understand where you’re coming from completely. Both of mine were awful at this age and evenings would just be me endlessly going in and out trying to feed and settle them and the lack of an evening really got me down. My first started sleeping better at 6 months and my second around 11 months. They’re now nearly 2.5 and 4 and have both been soundly sleeping for 2 hours while DH and I have cooked and watched TV. It does happen but I know it seems like it won’t and I get how desperate you feel. I found with both of mine naps lengthened at 6 months. Before then I couldn’t get more than 30-45 mins before they’d wake. They’d also be up every 45 mins at night. You’re close to things getting better, I promise. Hang in there.

Have you tried a sling for during the day? My 3rd ds would only sleep on me and I found putting him in a sling close to me was the only way he would sleep for over 1hr and I could get things done (like eat). He now will sleep in his cot at 9months for his naps.

Such an unsupportive BS response. It’s possible to have a baby, feel regrets and also be utterly consumed by your love for them. It will get better OP, hang in there. There’s some good advice in this thread if you ignore comments like these.

I'd suggest following appropriate wake windows for a 5 month old. Baby sounds overtired

bottle of formula?

@Xrays yes have tried a dummy. He won’t take one

Hello! I have a 5 month old too. We've had some sleep regression recently and she only naps on me, but things that help:

1. wearing her in a sling in the day - I can enforce a nap this way. I try to get 3-4 hours of nap per day across 3-4 naps, but I can only achieve this through feeding her, wearing her in a sling, car seat or pram. We're working on it. I would definitely recommend the Huckleberry app for recording sleep and identifying 'wake windows' and the sweet spot upgrade is strangely accurate at predicting when she'll go down, so I've got better at noticing her sleep cues. There may be times in the day when your baby is ready for sleep but you're missing it.
2. we got her a high chair for the evenings - simple ikea with the newborn insert cushion. Her head control is good and it's improving her ability to reach out and grab things. We got it because she was getting really cross in her bouncy chair on the floor while we ate and was nosy to know what's going on! She enjoys watching us eat and we talk to her during the meal. We put toys on the tray so she plays and is happy and entertained. It's also useful for keeping her busy while I do kitchen tasks!
3. I try to express milk in the mornings, and my partner does bottle, bath, bed. We start the bath 8pm. On a good day I can get an hour or so to myself to do housework or have a bath. I then feed her to sleep and put her down (she will sleep by herself at night, just not in the day) and we watch tv or a film on the laptop (low volume, subtitles on!). Tonight it's gone to plan and she's asleep in the next to me while we both read. To some people this might sound awful but I'm feeling pretty happy about it

I'm in much the same position, though DH doesn't come to bed with me. Mine is 7 months and no, solids made no difference, in fact I think made it worse as he has fewer breastfeeds during the day and makes up for it at night because he still gets way more calories from a breastfeed than from the minuscule bit of veg or toast or whatever that he manages to swallow from a "meal". It's not that I'm a first time mum either - I got my eldest into a great routine much, much sooner. Some babies are just harder. I do agree with the overtired comments - this is what we've realised with our non-napper too and we're in the early stages of trying to address it by getting up earlier, hoping to fit another nap in somehow, and shifting bedtime earlier to see if it helps matters. Good luck and feel free to PM if you want to chat about it!

Thanks for your heartfelt comment there. I did request for kindness, not your idea of facing fact or whatever you would call it!

Thanks. I have tried to settle him on his own and tried with his dad as well while I take a break downstairs but he just will not relax until I'm lying down in bed and feeding him.

You make a light hearted comment and people go batshit. Whatever