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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my family banned me from Christmas for having covid

768 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

OP posts:
Sundayvibes · 03/01/2023 18:44

Bekstar · 03/01/2023 18:36

If you care s little about your parents and family members that's you'd knowingly spend Christmas with them with COVID. Then maybe it's in their best interest to disown you. Your parents are in their 60's reasonably healthy or not they are still in the higher risk groups as for having COVID in past. I've had it six times as well as all my vaccines and almost died on three of those occasions. Having it before and been vaccinated only minimises the risk it doesn't eradicate, do you think they had any wish to be Ill over Christmas. You may not know everything about their health. If you chose to cut them off over this it shows what a nasty self centred person you are and maybe it would be better for them in the long run.

You’ve had Covid 6 times and nearly died 3 times?

Really??

Missdusk91 · 03/01/2023 18:45

YABU
Have you thought maybe they are gutted about not seeing you as well? I'd I had some travelling like that to see me and then they had COVID I wouldn't have them to my house to protect myself and my family but I'd be gutted about it.
It's unreasonable for you to be angry at them for protecting themselves. Vaccinated or not people can still suffer badly, vaccination simply means reduced chance of getting it badly.

Hopeistaysane · 03/01/2023 18:46

I can understand your family being worried about catching COVID. However I can’t understand the way you were treated, ignored and abandoned by a parent. I think it’s quite disgusting and I can understand that you must have felt very hurt and rejected. I’m afraid I wouldn’t want to waste my money, time or holiday on family that couldn’t even be bothered to be supportive when I needed them most. My mum would never have done that to me. So sorry OP.

Sennelier1 · 03/01/2023 18:46

You left home healthy but you contracted covid on the way to your parents. Your child probably has it too. If your parents had invited you for the holidays you could have spread it to the whole family! Why would you even consider doing that? Anyway I have the impression this is mostly about the money you spent to travel?

poefaced · 03/01/2023 18:46

I won't be willing to put myself in this position for them again, even though I am no longer actively angry. The risk of this happening again is too high.

I think this is the right decision, OP.

Let them come to visit you if they want, don’t be guilt tripped into making this visit again. Fuck them.

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2023 18:47

I know there are no easy answers but an overnight flight for a couple of hours in a park is hurtful.

I couldn’t do that to one of my dc.

saffy2 · 03/01/2023 18:47

poefaced · 03/01/2023 18:14

I can’t believe you made your DH ban his mum in a lockdown. That’s beyond cruel. I could never treat my mum that way.

Show quote history

WE banned her, I didn’t make him do anything. Right now in current times I have told him not to go over there while she has covid because I was really poorly when I had it.
in 2020 I made him do nothing. And she wasn’t in a lockdown, she was able to mix with others freely. We were in tier 4 and so it was illegal for her to come to ours, which has originally been the plan. And so WE decided to stick to the law, and we told her to stay away. I didn’t make him do anything. 🙄

poefaced · 03/01/2023 18:48

Sundayvibes · 03/01/2023 18:44

You’ve had Covid 6 times and nearly died 3 times?

Really??

Show quote history

That’s nothing, I’ve had it TWELVE time. I’ve now got the KRAKEN version.

MintyFreshOne · 03/01/2023 18:49

Becgoz7 · 03/01/2023 17:59

That's awful. These tests have always been useless. I could almost understand if you were extremely unwell but I would put you to bed and make sure you were ok.

Before anyone says anything I'm classed as one of the at risk category and was told I should isolate from my family 🙄🙄 but there's no way that one of my adult children would come for a visit especially as it's once a year and I'd see them for an hour in the park 😱

You are not being unreasonable at all op.

Right? I doubt most of these posters would actually turn away their child after not having seen them for a year and won’t see them again for another.

Much less abandon them at the airport in a foreign country after promising to pick them and let them stay

Its not normal behaviour

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 03/01/2023 18:50

tantrumingcoldchild · 03/01/2023 18:43

Update: I met them in the park. They seemed sincerely to be terrified of covid and refused to even hug me even though I have tested negative. They also said that they may actually visit me after 10 years of me living abroad.

I have already said that I was intentionally vague about some of the details so I am confused why people are pressing for clarification regarding such details. However, the NHS is not implicated in this and I have not broken any laws around COVID.

I also didn't tell them off or press them to let me come. They were clear that I would have to sort myself out and I said that I would. I'm not begging for affection and inclusion from someone who has rejected me /left me in the lurch when I was depending on them. I'm actually a very independent person, probably because I learned early that I can't rely on others.

I did make a special trip within my trip just to spend time with them. The result of this is that I spent a load of extra cash, depleted my own energy reserves to make my holiday way more stressful, and my child and I will be shattered when we get back, with no time to recover from an overnight flight. All for an hour or two in a freezing park I'm afraid that I won't be willing to put myself in this position for them again, even though I am no longer actively angry. The risk of this happening again is too high.

Fair enough. Probably for the best in order to avoid future hurt and disappointment.

justlliloleme · 03/01/2023 18:51

I had covid last Christmas & uninvited myself from Christmas Day at my in laws. I felt fine, I was asymptomatic but I chose to protect them from getting it. Any reasonable person would not want to infect another person. I understand you’ve spent a lot of time, money & effort to see them & it’s disappointing but you are being extremely self centred and selfish. You sound like a spoilt brat.

Pliudev · 03/01/2023 18:51

Sounds like you are looking for a reason not to bother visiting them again. Covid is not over and for some people has long term consequences. I can't understand or sympathise with anyone self centred enough to visit people knowing they may be passing it on. Maybe they should be deciding to go NC with you? I'm speaking personally here because someone tried to do what you describe to us this Christmas and I was lucky enough to prevent it happening.

poefaced · 03/01/2023 18:53

Pliudev · 03/01/2023 18:51

Sounds like you are looking for a reason not to bother visiting them again. Covid is not over and for some people has long term consequences. I can't understand or sympathise with anyone self centred enough to visit people knowing they may be passing it on. Maybe they should be deciding to go NC with you? I'm speaking personally here because someone tried to do what you describe to us this Christmas and I was lucky enough to prevent it happening.

Well, she’s tested negative now and they’re still treating her like a leper,

Why do you think she should visit them again?

Bekstar · 03/01/2023 18:54

I mean lets re-write what you just wrote OP.

AUBU Family did not want to contract a deadly contagious disease over Christmas.

You flew 4000 miles to see your parents for Christmas. You unfortunately have to live in a different country from them, but I'm sure that wasn't their decision either.

You are asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID. So obviously at the point of testing you knew there was a chance of being exposed. So if that's the case why travel. Or why didn't you stay with the family you could have contracted it from. Instead of putting other people at risk.

Your parent was supposed to pick you up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test. Which is not surprising. Neither would a taxi if they knew you were positive.

You see your parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. You chose to travel, did they move to UK from other country or did you move there from UK. If the latter then they shouldn't have to travel over Christmas to visit you, it's you who went there if you want to see family at times like that when things are busy then you need to make plans. Your parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but you were uninvited. Yes because you had COVID. This just shows why they couldn't really travel to you because they already had plans with other family members too. It's not all about you. The other family members didn't have COVID so why should this affect their Christmas.

Fortunately, your other parent picked you up and let you stay with them, more fool them. If that's their choice to risk their health and others so be it.

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of your time with them for the next year. Be privileged I wouldn't even do that but they are willing to meet after the festivities in an open area that is well ventilated where they are not at as much risk. I mean I suppose your also putting others at risk on public transport.

AUBU that the relationship is over. I can't see that someone who takes their health serious has made that decision. More a self conceited individual who thinks everything has to revolve around them.

saffy2 · 03/01/2023 18:56

PrettyAndLovely · 03/01/2023 18:25

@saffy2

We banned my mother in law in 2020 due to us being in tier 4 and her not. She almost ended up alone on Christmas Day. And yet still we banned her.
she now has covid, and I have not and will not go over there under any circumstances because covid made me really fucking poorly and I don’t want it again. I have also banned my partner from going over there while she is sick with it in case he brings it back. I think you’re totally selfish. Covid can make people really sick.

😱😱😱

Wow. This is probably one of the harshest posts on the topic I've come across on MN. You banned your MIL? That poor woman probably saw right through you when her son introduced you to her.

As with OP's step mother and disengaged dad (I'm assuming it's this way round) and saffy2, Covid is being used as an excuse to treat people horribly, it's a power game and reflects incredibly poorly on people who use Covid as a reason to behave appallingly towards their family. There is a really strange dynamic there and it's so petty. OMG. It's not the Op who's selfish @saffy2 , it's you. I hope your MIL has other family and ferns who love and support her but I bet her heart is broken.

We have a very good relationship, and are close actually ☺️ I’m sure you think I am selfish, but I don’t really care. I did the best thing for my family and I. And she has been invited every other Christmas since. It’s really not as big a deal as you’re making it out to be. We are not law breakers, nor do we want to die. I was severely poorly when I had covid. I won’t put my kids through watching that again if I can help it. Which is why now, when she has covid we are not visiting her. I wouldn’t see or be near anyone positive knowingly. And she’s no exception just because she gave birth to the person I share my life with.
we spend a lot of time with her otherwise. But that one Christmas in 2020 when it was illegal to do so, and right now when she is positive for an illness that nearly killed me, no we don’t see her then. 🙄 Christ, what drama.

I really hope the poster whose 7 year old son died is ok, worst nightmare. I’m so sorry. How utterly horrific. And how horrific for people to be downplaying covid on such a level when a 7 year old boy died from it. I mean, what the fuck.

Bekstar · 03/01/2023 18:56

If you want to travel for Christmas in future I recommend you consider isolation times and where you would isolate in your plans. Instead of asking your family to literally roll over and die for you.

lcl · 03/01/2023 18:56

You are not being unreasonable. The scaremongering around this cold /flu virus is a joke. The vaccines don’t work and make people ill. You shouldn’t have to test. You wouldn’t be expected to be treated like a leper with anything else. I’ve had covid a few times. Way worse post jabs. It was no worse than flu. It’s man made and here to stay. Made in the wuhan lab. People need to stop the fear and wake up. I’m sorry you have such ill informed family members. My dad is 76 and had it ore jabs. Had it 2 weeks post 4th Jab. He’s very asthmatic but rode it out at home. People are hysterical about con vid.

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2023 18:57

tantrumingcoldchild · 03/01/2023 18:43

Update: I met them in the park. They seemed sincerely to be terrified of covid and refused to even hug me even though I have tested negative. They also said that they may actually visit me after 10 years of me living abroad.

I have already said that I was intentionally vague about some of the details so I am confused why people are pressing for clarification regarding such details. However, the NHS is not implicated in this and I have not broken any laws around COVID.

I also didn't tell them off or press them to let me come. They were clear that I would have to sort myself out and I said that I would. I'm not begging for affection and inclusion from someone who has rejected me /left me in the lurch when I was depending on them. I'm actually a very independent person, probably because I learned early that I can't rely on others.

I did make a special trip within my trip just to spend time with them. The result of this is that I spent a load of extra cash, depleted my own energy reserves to make my holiday way more stressful, and my child and I will be shattered when we get back, with no time to recover from an overnight flight. All for an hour or two in a freezing park I'm afraid that I won't be willing to put myself in this position for them again, even though I am no longer actively angry. The risk of this happening again is too high.

I hope they do visit you. It’s sad when family relationships break down like this as you never know how many times you’ll see each other again.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 03/01/2023 18:59

Bekstar · 03/01/2023 18:54

I mean lets re-write what you just wrote OP.

AUBU Family did not want to contract a deadly contagious disease over Christmas.

You flew 4000 miles to see your parents for Christmas. You unfortunately have to live in a different country from them, but I'm sure that wasn't their decision either.

You are asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID. So obviously at the point of testing you knew there was a chance of being exposed. So if that's the case why travel. Or why didn't you stay with the family you could have contracted it from. Instead of putting other people at risk.

Your parent was supposed to pick you up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test. Which is not surprising. Neither would a taxi if they knew you were positive.

You see your parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. You chose to travel, did they move to UK from other country or did you move there from UK. If the latter then they shouldn't have to travel over Christmas to visit you, it's you who went there if you want to see family at times like that when things are busy then you need to make plans. Your parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but you were uninvited. Yes because you had COVID. This just shows why they couldn't really travel to you because they already had plans with other family members too. It's not all about you. The other family members didn't have COVID so why should this affect their Christmas.

Fortunately, your other parent picked you up and let you stay with them, more fool them. If that's their choice to risk their health and others so be it.

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of your time with them for the next year. Be privileged I wouldn't even do that but they are willing to meet after the festivities in an open area that is well ventilated where they are not at as much risk. I mean I suppose your also putting others at risk on public transport.

AUBU that the relationship is over. I can't see that someone who takes their health serious has made that decision. More a self conceited individual who thinks everything has to revolve around them.

Privileged? I suppose you mean grateful. And for what? An hour in the park when she's testing negative? Like it's some massive favour? Some of you either are lying through your teeth or you have really shitty relationships with your kids if you wouldn't even "do that".

lcl · 03/01/2023 18:59

Incidentally the divide and conquer tactics in play are very evident in this thread. Wake up people and maybe do some research away from mainstream media.

poefaced · 03/01/2023 19:00

MarshaBradyo · 03/01/2023 18:57

I hope they do visit you. It’s sad when family relationships break down like this as you never know how many times you’ll see each other again.

Show quote history

They will probably expect OP to pay for flights and provide accomodation.

If they do visit, make them stay in a hotel.

ss2011 · 03/01/2023 19:00

Sorry you didn't get to spend Christmas with your family OP. Was trying to think through what I would have done in your parent's situation. There is no way I would have left you on your own, especially with a young child...but I guess I might have asked you to stay in your room for a few days after you arrived if I was worried about my own health or someone elses in the family if they got it. I think you need to try and see it from your parents point of view and I don't think its worth losing your relationship with them over if you think you can get past it, but I do understand why you are upset. If you do travel to see them again then maybe have an advance discussion about what would happen if you tested positive whilst travelling as they should have thought about this anyway....

Neuroillogical · 03/01/2023 19:00

Considering Covid is still very much around I would have had these discussions before committing to the trip. I also would have tested before I flew out and had adequate insurance in the event I needed to cancel.

It’s not your fault you caught it and if you found out en route there isn’t much you could have done, but it’s definitely not your parents fault that you did. YABU to expect them to host you regardless of the risk to their life and other guests. Being vaccinated reduces your chances of being seriously ill but it’s not a guarantee. Also doesn’t stop you from passing it on and the recipient becoming ill or dying.

I understand why you would be pissed at spending xmas alone/money lost but it’s just bad luck. Wanting to cut them off for it is silly. If there is a history (which you allude to) which is causing you to feel this way then I wouldn’t have wasted my bloody money in the first place going to see them.

SaltyAndRarelySweet · 03/01/2023 19:01

It doesn’t matter how far you’ve flown, people are entitled to not want to get covid from you. It’s highly contagious and some people are still getting very unwell with it - it’s just been through my entire family so I really do know and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s disappointing not to be able to spend time with them but they are entitled to protect their own health.

Twentytwothousand · 03/01/2023 19:01

I think they should have arranged some covid safe way of seeing you. But I wouldn’t want someone with covid in my house unless I lived somewhere big enough to keep them at a very safe distance. It sounds as if they left you high and dry which isn’t fair.

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