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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my family banned me from Christmas for having covid

768 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

OP posts:
SnackQueen · 03/01/2023 18:19

I just came by to send a big virtual hug to @Wombat100. I am really sorry about your Dad and I hope that you are doing okay.

Lndnmummy · 03/01/2023 18:20

I'm not surprised you are hurt OP. It would really hurt me too. If you were my child I might not have been able to see you but I would have gone out of my way to help you and I would have been crushed not to see you. I would have offered help with transport, hotel, invited you to meet outside (and offered you food). I would have phoned to talk to you, make sure you are ok. For what its worth, my mother would have acted exactly like your parent (we are not in contact much). How did your child feel? It must have been really disappointing for them too. I am sorry. I get it.

PrettyAndLovely · 03/01/2023 18:25

@saffy2

We banned my mother in law in 2020 due to us being in tier 4 and her not. She almost ended up alone on Christmas Day. And yet still we banned her.
she now has covid, and I have not and will not go over there under any circumstances because covid made me really fucking poorly and I don’t want it again. I have also banned my partner from going over there while she is sick with it in case he brings it back. I think you’re totally selfish. Covid can make people really sick.

😱😱😱

Wow. This is probably one of the harshest posts on the topic I've come across on MN. You banned your MIL? That poor woman probably saw right through you when her son introduced you to her.

As with OP's step mother and disengaged dad (I'm assuming it's this way round) and saffy2, Covid is being used as an excuse to treat people horribly, it's a power game and reflects incredibly poorly on people who use Covid as a reason to behave appallingly towards their family. There is a really strange dynamic there and it's so petty. OMG. It's not the Op who's selfish @saffy2 , it's you. I hope your MIL has other family and ferns who love and support her but I bet her heart is broken.

torkandgrunt · 03/01/2023 18:26

It is terrifying to see how you and all the comments have totally bought into the official narrative about this year's flu season. There in, was and probably never has been a serious pandemic - it has been a government exercise in control that millions have conformed with.

Serrina · 03/01/2023 18:27

You sound incredibly selfish

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/01/2023 18:28

torkandgrunt · 03/01/2023 18:26

It is terrifying to see how you and all the comments have totally bought into the official narrative about this year's flu season. There in, was and probably never has been a serious pandemic - it has been a government exercise in control that millions have conformed with.

Then how do you explain the fact that it was a GLOBAL problem, not just in the UK?

FreshAirFan · 03/01/2023 18:29

I understand why you're feeling hurt and rejected, but I want to encourage you to try to think about Covid from their perspective. I'm a scientist who worked in biomedical research, so I've been following all the science in this. Covid is still dangerous, even if everyone wants it to be over. I'm 67, and though I'm very healthy and active, I am taking lots of precautions to avoid getting Covid. If one of my children flew over from Chile or the U.S., where they live, I'd do what your parents have done -- offered to get together outdoors. I adore my children, but I'd be afraid of getting sick. It's too risky.

For anyone over 60, even if reasonably healthy, and even if they've gotten every jab possible, the immune response can be very limited, leaving them vulnerable not only to being hospitalized, but to long Covid. Even relatively mild cases of Covid have resulted in the onset of Type 2 Diabetes, embolisms, and long-lasting health and cognitive problems. And with the NHS being so stressed right now, this is not a good time to get sick.

I would also ask if you did everything needed to prevent yourself from catching Covid. If you didn't wear a well-fitted N95 mask (or equivalent, not just a surgical mask) during the days before you were expecting to be with your family, whenever you were with other people, you left yourself open to getting infected. It's understandable if you didn't most people have gotten tired of wearing masks but that might explain how you came down with Covid.

It's just one Christmas. There will be more. Try to remember that.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 03/01/2023 18:32

Gendercritic · 03/01/2023 18:05

The OP is not 'being rejected'. Both you and the OP are being emotionally manipulative and childish in the language you use. Not seeing people when you have Covid is still the sensible and responsible thing to do. Just because the parents are well in their 60s doesn't mean they wouldn't have a bad reaction. As a mid-60s woman I can tell you that my overall levels of well being and vulnerability are very different from how they were in my 20-40's despite the fact I present as fit as a fiddle. I fully understand that OP is upset it turned out this way but the parent-blaming, foot-stomping and threats of cutting them off beggar belief.

But it wasn't just being uninvited was it?

It was being left at the airport with no help or support(emotional or financial).
It was the lack of contact and care.
It was the offer of one hour in the park which is the only f2f contact with that parent for a year.

Concern,care and contact would've gone a long way to mitigate being uninvited for Christmas.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 03/01/2023 18:32

FreshAirFan · 03/01/2023 18:29

I understand why you're feeling hurt and rejected, but I want to encourage you to try to think about Covid from their perspective. I'm a scientist who worked in biomedical research, so I've been following all the science in this. Covid is still dangerous, even if everyone wants it to be over. I'm 67, and though I'm very healthy and active, I am taking lots of precautions to avoid getting Covid. If one of my children flew over from Chile or the U.S., where they live, I'd do what your parents have done -- offered to get together outdoors. I adore my children, but I'd be afraid of getting sick. It's too risky.

For anyone over 60, even if reasonably healthy, and even if they've gotten every jab possible, the immune response can be very limited, leaving them vulnerable not only to being hospitalized, but to long Covid. Even relatively mild cases of Covid have resulted in the onset of Type 2 Diabetes, embolisms, and long-lasting health and cognitive problems. And with the NHS being so stressed right now, this is not a good time to get sick.

I would also ask if you did everything needed to prevent yourself from catching Covid. If you didn't wear a well-fitted N95 mask (or equivalent, not just a surgical mask) during the days before you were expecting to be with your family, whenever you were with other people, you left yourself open to getting infected. It's understandable if you didn't most people have gotten tired of wearing masks but that might explain how you came down with Covid.

It's just one Christmas. There will be more. Try to remember that.

How does all that explain the lack of texting or calling for 3 days?

DNBU · 03/01/2023 18:34

YABU, their reaction was normal.

clarehhh · 03/01/2023 18:35

I wouldn't let someone with covid in my house. How would you feel if one of them died from it? Very unfortunate for everyone but reality if life now.

Thatboymum · 03/01/2023 18:35

You are massively unreasonable! I wouldn’t care if you traveled the world to see me if you have covid you aren’t welcome at my home I have had it and wouldn’t want to willingly catch it again just because I’m vaccinated and had it already and having lost a grandparent to it I totally understand why they uninvited you stop being selfish and think about your loved ones more than your inconvenience

RAC001 · 03/01/2023 18:35

You can't put a price on someone's life. Would you rather lose a few thousand pounds or lose one of your parents (there's a chance one of them could have become seriously ill), unfortunately with Covid these things happen to most people who travel. Some choose for selfish reasons not to test. I don't think it's worth falling out with your parents over this as they are only following the guidance and remember the government scared a lot of elderly people.

Bekstar · 03/01/2023 18:36

If you care s little about your parents and family members that's you'd knowingly spend Christmas with them with COVID. Then maybe it's in their best interest to disown you. Your parents are in their 60's reasonably healthy or not they are still in the higher risk groups as for having COVID in past. I've had it six times as well as all my vaccines and almost died on three of those occasions. Having it before and been vaccinated only minimises the risk it doesn't eradicate, do you think they had any wish to be Ill over Christmas. You may not know everything about their health. If you chose to cut them off over this it shows what a nasty self centred person you are and maybe it would be better for them in the long run.

ichundich · 03/01/2023 18:37

GUARDIAN1 · 03/01/2023 18:10

YABU. Absolutely unreasonable. I wouldn't allow my stepdaughter to visit us at Christmas either as she'd tested positive. I had covid December 2019 and ended up with pneumonia. I was off work for six weeks and still not feeling completely well for several weeks after that. I am vaccinated but have a friend, also fully vaccinated, who currently has covid. It's her third time. I understand how disappointed you must have felt, but would you rather have risked your parent/other family members to become ill? I'm sorry but your response sounds immature and selfish.

Unless you live in China, Covid wasn't even around in December 2019.

angielou791417 · 03/01/2023 18:39

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:55

@Floralnomad i spent thousands of pounds and took a lot of time off work to travel with my young child to see them. Everyone involved is vaccinated and has had COVID. I think that this demonstrates that they don't care much about me.

I think it demonstrates you don't care much about them !
I would walk the thousands of miles home rather than potentially infect my parents reguardless if I only saw them once a year! That's once a year more than if they caught covid and died!
You are right to be utterly disappointed but are being rediculous about the relationship between you being over

Bluesunflower82 · 03/01/2023 18:40

Yes, YABU. Why would you risk infecting others with Covid?

Autumn61 · 03/01/2023 18:41

100% understand why you are pissed off but unfortunately for the near future anyway this is life. I wouldn’t rule your parents out of your life over this but if this is just the straw …. then fuck (one )it and move on . Sorry x

mumnosbest · 03/01/2023 18:42

I have family abroad that we see rarely. Provided we're all in good health, had our boosters and able to take time off work when sick, I'd definitely still invite family members to stay. Travelling abroad is costly and stressful enough without cancelling or changing plans last minute. I also miss my loved ones greatly and would risk COVID for an annual visit.

So long as your family are in good health and vaccinated, plus you said they've had COVID before and hopefully didn't suffer too badly then I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't knowingly travel with it though and wouldn't go out whist there.

GUARDIAN1 · 03/01/2023 18:42

ichundich · 03/01/2023 18:37

Unless you live in China, Covid wasn't even around in December 2019.

Show quote history

Sorry 2020. I was counting back from now BUT missed that it's 2023! Anyway, the point is I'm pretty fit - daily 3 - 4 mile walks, swimming several times a week, archery ditto. I was still extremely unwell with covid and would not increase the risk of contracting it again by having a house guest (family or not) who tested positive.

poefaced · 03/01/2023 18:43

ichundich · 03/01/2023 18:37

Unless you live in China, Covid wasn't even around in December 2019.

Show quote history

The early Covid adopters are always hilarious and should get a 🏅

angielou791417 · 03/01/2023 18:43

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:55

@Floralnomad i spent thousands of pounds and took a lot of time off work to travel with my young child to see them. Everyone involved is vaccinated and has had COVID. I think that this demonstrates that they don't care much about me.

I think this demonstrates you don't really care much about them!
I would walk the thousands of miles home rather than potentially infect my parents
Seeing them once a year is once more than if they're dead!
You are right to be utterly disappointed but so wrong to focus the whole situation on you and your losses

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 03/01/2023 18:43

Update: I met them in the park. They seemed sincerely to be terrified of covid and refused to even hug me even though I have tested negative. They also said that they may actually visit me after 10 years of me living abroad.

I have already said that I was intentionally vague about some of the details so I am confused why people are pressing for clarification regarding such details. However, the NHS is not implicated in this and I have not broken any laws around COVID.

I also didn't tell them off or press them to let me come. They were clear that I would have to sort myself out and I said that I would. I'm not begging for affection and inclusion from someone who has rejected me /left me in the lurch when I was depending on them. I'm actually a very independent person, probably because I learned early that I can't rely on others.

I did make a special trip within my trip just to spend time with them. The result of this is that I spent a load of extra cash, depleted my own energy reserves to make my holiday way more stressful, and my child and I will be shattered when we get back, with no time to recover from an overnight flight. All for an hour or two in a freezing park I'm afraid that I won't be willing to put myself in this position for them again, even though I am no longer actively angry. The risk of this happening again is too high.

OP posts:
Mary54 · 03/01/2023 18:44

Sorry but YABU. I may be biased as a few hours ago I heard my DM‘s neighbor‘s daughter lost her ( I presume) younger than your parents, partner to Covid on Christmas Day after a very short illness.

In your parents‘ position I would probably also suggest a outdoor, at a safe distance meeting. I would not be comfortable having someone who is currently positive in my house even though I am fully vaccinated and had Covid myself a few weeks ago.

Diva66 · 03/01/2023 18:44

YABU