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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

233 replies

WerkinMum · 01/01/2023 23:48

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 01/01/2023 23:52

No. DD1 is autistic and if I had only had her I would have regarded myself as an failed and inadequate parent, DD2 is NT. Parenting her gives me a sense of normalcy. I am not a failure. I am actually quite good at being a mum.

BoxerMam · 01/01/2023 23:56

I feel similar. There's few people I'd admit it to in real life but I wish I didn't have 4 children. I love them all very much but I had them all before I was 24 and it's been hard. We are OK now, I went to uni later in life and we manage. But I do feel that none of them have had the attention they deserved in their earlier years, and that they may have missed out in many ways.

Selfishly, my life would also have been so much easier, and I think that I missed out on so much too.

Sometimes I think about how my life would be if I had only had one, at a much older age, or even if I had none and it makes me feel guilty for thinking these things. I do love them, and wouldn't be without them now, but if I could go back I would have done things very differently. It's a difficult thing to admit.

Original poster
WerkinMum · 01/01/2023 23:56

I'm sorry you felt that was after having your first. We as mums really do beat ourselves up a lot about things we really shouldn't. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
WerkinMum · 01/01/2023 23:59

@BoxerMam yes it's very hard to say in RL because I feel like when I've spoken about it before people feel like I don't enjoy being a mum or love my children and that couldn't be further from the truth.

I guess I feel I caved into pressure to conform and resent that (but not my child). It's a complicated feeling.

OP posts:
leccybill · 01/01/2023 23:59

We had just the 1 DD but not by choice and I was sad about that for a long time. But now she is 13, I'm over it, life is easy and quiet, we have lots of money for fun and leisure and we have Ddog who is like a second child but loved so much by us all. Would I have liked another child? Yes, for me. Is life good now? Yes, for us all.

Bestcatmum · 01/01/2023 23:59

Having one child was perfect for me, I could afford childcare for one - I was a single parent. I had more time to do my own thing and advance my career, he had all my attention, we were very cosy together and I was able to afford a nice home..
He is an adult now and he has never shown any interest in having a sibling.
If I'd had two we would have had to live on benefits and would not have been able to afford a house of our own.

ElspethTascioni · 02/01/2023 00:01

YANBU to feel anyway that you feel. But they’re both here now, you can’t change it, and it’s wasted energy to dwell on it. It would be more productive to focus on what you have and the benefits of that. And there’s no reason you can’t go back to your career. Plenty of women do.

SpinningFloppa · 02/01/2023 00:02

Yes I have 4 and often wish I only had one.

Whydidimarrythis · 02/01/2023 00:02

No, not in a million years. I fought like hell for my DD and I wouldn't be happier in any sense of the word without her.

This thread is awful though - asking people to say how much they regret their DCs or, the alternative, gloat about them on a site full of people potentially struggling to conceive. What are you hoping to gain OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 00:02

Smug singleton mum here. I agree that's it's the best. I wanted two but DH wanted to stick so we did.

My poor colleague with three is very jealous when I talk about DD and I hanging out, pleasing ourselves.

Sorry. If it helps there is a MASSIVE amount of judgement about my lonely child.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 02/01/2023 00:02

Have one DD. DH and I work hard and we are lucky in terms of what we can give DD, now 12.

DH would have had more but I was badly damaged by DD’s birth and mentally I couldn’t go there.

She struggled massively during lockdown. She lost contact with pretty much everyone but me and her dad overnight. School didn’t do online lessons. I was working for the NHS and was out of the house for 16-20 hours a day for the first few months. Only now do I really see the impact it had on her. She says she feels lonely a lot and she feels loss really hard. She has lovely friends and cousins but many of them live several hours away so she spends more time on her phone than I would like trying to maintain relationships.

I don’t think there’s ever a perfect answer.

Soproudoflionesses · 02/01/2023 00:02

leccybill · 01/01/2023 23:59

We had just the 1 DD but not by choice and I was sad about that for a long time. But now she is 13, I'm over it, life is easy and quiet, we have lots of money for fun and leisure and we have Ddog who is like a second child but loved so much by us all. Would I have liked another child? Yes, for me. Is life good now? Yes, for us all.

Ooh yeah this is ms too except DD is 11.
Git a friend who has 3 Boys- l was so jealous of her having 3 but the tables have turned now and she would much prefer my life.

IveHadEnoughNowFfs · 02/01/2023 00:03

I can’t really decide. Sometimes I think 0 would have been the best number! But I have two healthy little girls and I’ve never felt love like it. That being said, I spend an unhealthy amount of time ruminating about having no life myself, and all the things that could have been. Along with mum guilt for not being the mum they deserve.

Basically no matter what you do you’ll question it, I think. I just hope I get out the other side thinking I did ok and maybe with enough time and health left after they leave home to carve out something of a life of my own.

HolyStoned · 02/01/2023 00:04

It’s nice to hear that, OP, which I realise is not what you posted about, but as the parent of an only child by choice, the outcry about ‘selfishness’, ‘lonely on lies’ and predictions of him sitting glumly by our deathbeds did get a bit tiresome at times.

olderthanyouthink · 02/01/2023 00:05

stargirl1701 · 01/01/2023 23:52

No. DD1 is autistic and if I had only had her I would have regarded myself as an failed and inadequate parent, DD2 is NT. Parenting her gives me a sense of normalcy. I am not a failure. I am actually quite good at being a mum.

Oooft. Took the words from my mouth. DC2 is too young to call NT for sure but my god is he 10 thousand times easier and more calm and simple. Number 2 is the confirmation that it's not us being just shit at parenthood.

Pyvadanya · 02/01/2023 00:08

I was an only child and there was no way I was going to replicate that situation for my kids (if I could help it!). I have 3 and would probably have more if my husband wanted to (he doesnt). 1 child would be easier for me but it's not what I wanted for my kids. I understand I've been very blessed with my circumstances and not everyone had the same Lonely experience that I had growing up.

Workyticket · 02/01/2023 00:09

This is really interesting as I'm on the other side. I have 1 and wished we'd had more - ds has ever expressed interest in a sibling and we realised we could have an easier life with 1 but I do still wish sometimes

Question though- those who have more than 1 and wish you only had 1... do you wish you only had the first and not subsequent or do you wish one of your 2nd / 3rd etc was the only?

Forever42 · 02/01/2023 00:09

Swings and roundabouts. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. I would have more time and money to spend on one DC. I like the fact that my two are company for each other and I hope that they will always have a close bond, but personally I'm not close to my sibling so it doesn't always work out that way. My younger DC and I have more in common and therefore seem to end up doing more together so I'm glad I had a second in that sense, but different families have different dynamics, good and bad.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/01/2023 00:09

I know what you mean. I absolutely adore my dc2, he and I are very close, and I wouldn’t be without him. But my life would be incredibly easy if I only had dc1, who is now a very self sufficient teenager.

I don’t know if dc2 (5 years younger) will be as easy a teen as she is tbh.

Having 2 is definitely more than twice the work of 1.

Teacakexo · 02/01/2023 00:14

I currently have 1 DC(age 6) myself and my OH are toying with having another but can’t make up our minds. My DC has 12 cousins, they are all very close. DC has always said he doesn’t want a sibling but the reason given is that they would annoy him like his cousin who has just turned 2 lol, I worry a few years down the line he changes his tune. I would be in a great financial position with only 1 child but don’t know if that makes it the right choice?!

Moxysright · 02/01/2023 00:16

I know people who have only had one through circumstance and feel guilty that dc will grow up without a sibling / friend and also in later life be saddled with possible elderly parents etc. One has its pros but it can also have its cons - as with all things in life!

snowdropsandcrocuses · 02/01/2023 00:17

Hmmm. I am one of 4 siblings. I have excellent, fun filled memories of childhood but then I realise my mum had a 'baby' for 10 years... she literally gave over most of her adult life to raising children and I can't imagine that. I have 2 DC and whilst it was tough in the first decade they are both teens and I wouldn't change it for the world. They get on very well and it works for us. I would have liked more but I knew we couldn't afford it. We couldn't upsize homes, cars etc. 2 has felt like a great balance.

Honestly though I think that whatever works for you and yours. No judgement here for couples without kids, couples with loads of them and couple with one. Whatever works!!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/01/2023 00:18

This thread is a bit bittersweet. We only have one, and it is indeed great(very lucky to have a happy go lucky,well behaved kid).

But , I often long for another and I know we can't due to space,finances etc. Plus, OH is quite old and I'm getting on a bit and with PCOS.

Reading this.. kinda helps tbh.

RunLolaRun102 · 02/01/2023 00:19

I have 1 and it’s not out of choice (ivf for years lucky to have 1). I will always feel like a failure for that - mostly because there are no financial limitations & DS is so loving and gentle with younger kids.

Mrstumbletap · 02/01/2023 00:24

I have one DS, and I don't think the benefits of having one are talked about enough in general.

For all the reasons you said OP, you have more patience, time, energy and money.

The worst thing about having one is other people and the horrible things they have said in the past such as:

It's selfish to only have one
You have to have two to be complete
Having 1 isn't really parenting, it's a hobby
He will be lonely
He will be selfish
He will be spoiled

These are also the parents that are frazzled, stressed and snapping at their children, misery loves company and all that!