Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

233 replies

WerkinMum · 01/01/2023 23:48

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

OP posts:
Fleabigg · 02/01/2023 04:19

Pyvadanya · 02/01/2023 00:08

I was an only child and there was no way I was going to replicate that situation for my kids (if I could help it!). I have 3 and would probably have more if my husband wanted to (he doesnt). 1 child would be easier for me but it's not what I wanted for my kids. I understand I've been very blessed with my circumstances and not everyone had the same Lonely experience that I had growing up.

Whereas I’m one of 3 and deliberately have 1 because I wouldn’t inflict being the middle one of 3 on any child, it’s a potentially terrible dynamic.

My 1 has a lovely life and I enjoy it too. This is a refreshing thread to read as an antidote to the usual “only is lonely” pressure that is heaped on parents of 1.

Fleabigg · 02/01/2023 04:22

Velda · 02/01/2023 01:04

You make your choice. Free time and career, or another child. What you prefer depends on you as a person. I imagine it’s a lot easier to die and leave two children together than one alone. And it’s certainly easier for two to look after you, it’s a burden for one.

That’s assuming they’ll be together in any way whatsoever when you die. DH will most likely never see his brother again once his parents die. Thank goodness, because his life is objectively worse as a result of his sibling.

My dad is terminally ill and I derive ten times as much comfort and support from my DH and friends as from my siblings. Maybe that’ll magically change when he actually dies, but I suspect not.

melcalfe · 02/01/2023 04:29

'Sometimes I think about how my life would be if I had only had one, at a much older age'

@BoxerMam I had one at 35. I am knackered and cry every day. PND or whatever you want to call
It, I am just exhausted and I'm too used to my previous carefree life.

In some way having kids younger is better. More energy and you're not too used to be free all the time etc. Daffodil

alanabennett · 02/01/2023 04:34

Give it time, op. As they grow older they may become the best of friends. I have three and despite the fact that they drive me mental sometimes, they and their relationship with each other is my great joy.

FWIW, and just my opinion of course, but I would never have chosen to have an only child, or to be one. I actually don't get on terribly well with my one sibling but I'm still thankful for him. The only parents I know who were only children themselves have all chosen to have multiple children.

If we stuck with one child, would we be more financially secure, with fewer demands on our time and energy? Of course! I still wouldn't change it for the world.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 02/01/2023 04:48

I have one, and I have only wanted one. I know so many people who don't get along with their siblings so I didn't want to have another purely for the reason of having a sibling.
I have a much older sibling who moved out when I was quite young so I was pretty much like an only child and I loved it.
Each to their own, but I find it very odd how on MN people think one child is mean or selfish. You could say the same about having more than one as well Hmm

Lordofmyflies · 02/01/2023 05:00

I have 2 and wouldn’t change it. They are good mates now they are in late teens, go out together, the eldest will drive his younger brother to school and sports matches. They are company for each other and security for me knowing they have each other, plus it helps me out! Having only 2 dc has allowed us to travel with them and give them each time. I couldn’t have done that with more than 2. Each to their own, but my DC are glad of each other, as am I.

Ragwort · 02/01/2023 06:18

We have one DC (by choice) and I have no regrets; our life is calm, (have to say DS was an incredibly easy baby), we can afford to do nice things with DS, he is happy & confident with lots of friends; in fact often says how noisy and chaotic his friends' with siblings homes are!
I do look at some peoples lives - so busy & stressful, financial worries, no time for themselves or their own hobbies, people not getting on etc etc and secretly wonder 'just why did you have more than one DC' of course I never say anything.
And it's only on Mumsnet that I see negative comments about having an only DC .. no one has ever said anything to my face about our choice.

Thighlengthboots · 02/01/2023 06:26

No, I am an only child and I hated it, begged my mum for a sibling. I now have two and it was the best thing I ever did- they are like best friends.

olympicsrock · 02/01/2023 06:37

No , we only planned to have one as found it difficult but had a happy accident 3 years later. Twin sons are get on really well. They keep each other company and this makes weekends and holidays so much more relaxing as a parent. I always pity single children families who don’t have a playmate

BabyFour2023 · 02/01/2023 06:39

No, never felt like this. There is no correct number of children but it is very personal. For me, I knew I would never have 1.

Instead of feeling this way, can you change things? At 13 and 6, is there not some time in your week for you to have time for yourself? Do you have a partner and if so, do they do their equal share? If not, I would address the things you can change so you feel better about things, you can’t change the fact you have 2 but you can make time for yourself, throw yourself into your career and do more for you.
I will soon have 4 DC but am very lucky both financially and in that I still have time for myself and can spend time doing the things I enjoy.

georgarina · 02/01/2023 06:44

Pyvadanya · 02/01/2023 00:08

I was an only child and there was no way I was going to replicate that situation for my kids (if I could help it!). I have 3 and would probably have more if my husband wanted to (he doesnt). 1 child would be easier for me but it's not what I wanted for my kids. I understand I've been very blessed with my circumstances and not everyone had the same Lonely experience that I had growing up.

Same. I did have siblings but much later. I also remember a ton of pressure and over-strictness because as an only child all the focus is on you and there's no context of normal child/teen behaviour.

Every family is different but, for me, there was no way I wanted that for my child.

crimbocountdown · 02/01/2023 06:47

No never although lost my husband because of it because he couldn't cope with 3 and walked out

On your career point....that's all down to personal choice to give up your career. You didn't have to

Judgyjudgy · 02/01/2023 06:53

crimbocountdown · 02/01/2023 06:47

No never although lost my husband because of it because he couldn't cope with 3 and walked out

On your career point....that's all down to personal choice to give up your career. You didn't have to

The career thing depends on the career. If it's one where there's an expectation of working night and day, then either the career or the child will have to give

incognitodorrito · 02/01/2023 06:55

i had one until they were 8 then a second. I’ve always believed it’s easier with two. Having one is intense, you are their sole focus and I tended to helicopter a lot with one whereas I’m a lot more laidback with my second. This is just my personal opinion but I honestly think parenting just one is a lot more tricky to navigate !

greenteafiend · 02/01/2023 07:00

I was originally planning to have only one, then changed my mind at the last minute and had a second with rather a large gap, which in some ways can be a bit like "two onlies." So I have sort of seen both sides of this.

The only-child families I know definitely do have it easier in many ways. It's easier for both parents to work full time and pursue careers, there is a lot less expense - unless you choose to spend more on your one child - you will have more money for private schooling and/or expensive extra curriculars if you want! Travel is also easier - both logistically and financially. The dynamic of one-child families is very nice in most cases, and you don't get all the tiresome sibling fighting; only children tend to orient more towards the parents' interests and the family culture has a more "adult" feel. There is also no evidence that being an only child has any negative impact on children's development; there is no evidence they are more likely than sibset members to be spoiled, selfish or poor at interacting with others. Onlies may have slightly different dynamics with their parents, but it does not seem to result in different behaviors with other people outside the family.

What worried me, when I was assuming I would only have one child, was the existential and long-term picture. There is a certain feeling of having all your eggs in one basket. I think most people do accept, honestly, that the death of a child is worse when they are an only child. Not because a sibling is somehow supposed to "replace" the deceased child (no human can ever actually replace another), but because bereaved parents who still have a living child will still have their identity as parents and something to motivate them to pick themselves up and go on living and getting joy out of life. If I lost an only child, I can't imagine how I would even begin to recover it and what I'd go on living for, honestly.

And the "aging parents" issue is a real concern. I know that the standard retort to this is "Well, parents shouldn't expect their kids to look after them in old age!" I totally agree, they shouldn't. But the reality is that decent people do generally end up feeling obliged to ensure parents are not left alone, regardless of how much the parents themselves urge them to think about themselves and reassure them that they have no responsibility. The adult only children that I know all feel the difficult "pull" of having aged parents who they don't want to feel abandoned, and they feel this struggle despite the parents themselves never having put any pressure on the kids whatsoever to feel this way.

We are an international couple and there is a fair chance that at least one of our kids will end up wanting to settle overseas, because they are bilingual and people who were born into international marriages are much more likely to enter such relationships themselves IME. It's easier if there is at least two siblings, as in all likelihood one will choose overseas and the other will not - at least, my experience of sibsets born into international marriages is that this is generally the way things tend to go! With an only child, I would hate to feel that I had put them in a situation where they felt guilty about wanting to make a life overseas, or worrying that they felt pressure to settle in the country where we live despite perhaps secretly wanting to live elsewhere.

Those were among the reasons why we ultimately chose two children, and are OK with the extra hard work involved. I'm hoping to grow old with more than one stake in the future, and that our kids will be glad to have each other in the long term. That said, I would never ever pressure anyone else to have an additional child or ask loaded questions like "So, when you are having your next one?" or whatever.

goodmorningsunny · 02/01/2023 07:01

I have one right now, she's nearly a year and my gut says no more, I can't take it physically or mentally. But I adore my brother and would be sad if DD didn't have that. But having another would just be too much for me to cope. This thread is reassuring as I do worry about loneliness and whether I'm being selfish.

Snoken · 02/01/2023 07:02

I have certainly felt I wished I’d stuck with one at times. Now both of mine are uni aged and I don’t really feel the that way anymore as my parenting days are over. My friends who have had one child have amazingly close relationships to their kids though, and the kids all seem happy and well rounded. There were points when I was jealous of how much stuff they got up to together, and how much quality time they got with their kids.

Whenisitwineoclocktime · 02/01/2023 07:03

RunLolaRun102 · 02/01/2023 00:19

I have 1 and it’s not out of choice (ivf for years lucky to have 1). I will always feel like a failure for that - mostly because there are no financial limitations & DS is so loving and gentle with younger kids.

Exactly the same situation here with the same feelings...

MaverickSnoopy · 02/01/2023 07:05

I think what this thread shows is that hindsight is an interesting thing, but also that we change as people and we learn as we get older.

We have 3. When we decided to have 3 I thought we had thought through all of the practicalities. Our third was a surprise and so it wasn't really a decision to have 3 as such, but more of a decision as to whether we wanted that baby. It felt feasible and full of love and hope we had her. I wouldn't change it for the world, I love them all in unexplainable amounts.

Having 3 has made me realise how hard it is (for us) and that we had no clue what we were doing. I feel like we don't give them enough time and don't have enough money. We've had various obstacles that we've faced. You don't often forsee any of it and can't know in advance what it will be like to have 1, 2, 3, 4 or more children.

I free full of regret for our circumstance that we can't offer them more time or money. I hope this year we can change that. It easy to project that regret and feel like it would be easier to have less children. For me though I try to focus on changing my circumstances and make life better, so that we can give them what we want to. They're happy though and they have love.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/01/2023 07:17

I am the opposite and wish my circumstances had been different and that my son who is now 22 had a sibling. As mum's we all give ourselves such a hard time and we should not be doing this and feeling guilty about this or that as we all try to do our best and sometimes life is bloodywell hard. My son wishes he had a sibling but I used to be a nanny to be 2 nephews and they were always arguing as so different. So sometimes things just work out the way they do and regardless we all give ourselves a hard time from time to time. I was just concentrating on bringing up my son and circumstances changes so did not even think of having another child and I did love being a mum but can imagine how difficult it must be having a few children and trying to juggle it all so you should all be so proud of the hard work you do.

flapjackfairy · 02/01/2023 07:28

the thing is it is human nature to always want what you haven't got isnt it ?
If you had only been able to have one child then you could be on here ruminating about how much you felt you missed out on by only having the one !

theholidaymum · 02/01/2023 07:29

We have one DC who is about 3 and is very happy with our choice. I never know there’s so many judgements from other parents for our choice. (Maybe out of jealousy?) I have heard countlessly - having one is so “easy” (well it isn’t easy for us so far), the siblings bond is “just amazing “ ( guess what we don’t care about it- our relationship with DC is “amazing” enough for us. Or the question- “does he get lonely and want a playmate?” (No he has friends at nursery and we set up play date for him quite easily because we only have one).
DH is an only and never once I heard him mentioning about being “lonely” growing up. There is many things bothering him about his family but not having a sibling isn’t one of them.
My parents has second child when I was 6. And to her account it was mostly because she wanted us to have siblings. Guess what we never get along, barely see each others or even calling, maybe because of the age gap. So my personal experience is if you don’t feel like having more than one child. Don’t do it just because… out of guilt or siblings reason.

squarelamp · 02/01/2023 07:35

I currently have one but we are looking to have another next year. This is one of the things I'm worried about.
I love my career, and my interests. I have said to my partner if we have another, chances are it will be a lot harder.
Now, when the baby is asleep we have an hour to do whatever, whereas we won't have that really with a second one.
It's hard because I'd like DC to have a sibling. It's about that really, rather than wanting a second child for us.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/01/2023 07:36

I meant to add it was great when he was younger and we had so many days out together and easier with one doing that and we are very close now and always have been. I grew up in a household with 6 children and always people coming and going and I loved being pregnant but I just was concentrating on my son. Have friends who have no children and never wanted any at all. The world is a crazy place at the moment so not sure I would even want to bring a child into this world the way it is right now if I was that age again. But at 29 I just felt wanted a child and never did before that even though I loved children and was a nanny for a few years but after 2 miscarriages I felt blessed to be pregnant and having my son but could not imagine having 4 and those women who do must be very patient or strong so fair play to them.

crisscrosscringle · 02/01/2023 07:40

Yes. We had DD1 young (19/21 respectively). Stuck together, got married, bought a house and a dog, had good jobs then decided that we should have another baby because all our friends were starting to start families (our DD was 9 at the time).

Love DD2 to bits but the ten year age gap is lie having two only children with different needs/hobbies etc and they don't play together. Going back to nappies, weaning, expensive childcare, constant juice making etc etc has been hard and our marriage has taken a hit. I often wonder what life would have been like if we just had a 15 year old now!