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Original poster

To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

233 replies

WerkinMum · 01/01/2023 23:48

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 16:30

nalabae · 03/01/2023 02:17

So why have more children? People so happy to pop out kids but getting married is non existent these days

None of my kids popped out, that sounds fun, how do I get one of those? Is it like one of those new toys, you pressed the bubble and it immediately flattens and a baby flies out?

Madeintowerhamlets · 03/01/2023 16:46

hilariousnamehere · 02/01/2023 02:42

I don't have children but I am an only, and can honestly say that I've had and am having an easier time than some of my friends with siblings around elderly parents and death of parents. My Dad died several years ago and while it was horrific, on a practical level Mum and I made all decisions together and there was no conflict. We've been able to spend plenty of time together since without her having to worry about if she's being fair with her time between multiple grieving children.

As she ages and isn't in the best of health, I know what she wants and what I can do to help - yes, there's just me, but also there's no resentment or complications of any other people involved. I've seen resentment when one child of several takes on the care of parents because the others are busy/geographically too far away / at different life stages / just crap. I've seen plenty of love laced with resentment when there's a big age gap and the younger child has to care for the parents and then their sibling in quick succession.

And I've also seen some siblings pull together brilliantly and support each other during those times - so I think maybe there is no right answer when it comes specifically to end of life considerations.

For what it's worth, I'd hate to have had siblings - I had a brilliant childhood, have always had lots of close friends, I'm an introvert with ADHD, love people but hate them being in my space and much prefer being able to spend time with Mum (and Dad when he was here) without worrying about another few humans who I may or may not have got on with. Because there's no guarantee your children will like each other, judging from everyone I know!

oof, that was long, thoughts while I can't sleep because I've overdone the indulgent food on new year 😂

Thanks so much for writing this. It really reassures me in terms of my daughter who has a very similar disposition. She hates noise and would really struggle with a sibling but of course I worry about the future. This makes me happy to read.

hilariousnamehere · 04/01/2023 00:06

Madeintowerhamlets · 03/01/2023 16:46

Thanks so much for writing this. It really reassures me in terms of my daughter who has a very similar disposition. She hates noise and would really struggle with a sibling but of course I worry about the future. This makes me happy to read.

Show quote history

I'm so glad @Madeintowerhamlets - both my parents are from big families and I think they worried / worry about me too, but I can't imagine having a better setup than I do.

Being an only doesn't make losing Dad any easier in itself, but then I don't think having siblings would do that either - each one would have their own relationship with the parent they've lost so it'll never be exactly the same loss.

And you sound like a lovely Mum for thinking about this stuff and worrying about your daughter, but if she's like me she will be more than fine💙

PermanentlyinUAT · 04/01/2023 01:23

I love having an only. It was all I ever wanted, never even considered a second.
For me, it’s the best of both worlds. Hanging out with her is lovely but my husband also loves his time with her while I have a lie-in, meet friends for lunch, nights out, weekends away with friends etc. I don’t think I’d get so much free time to myself if I had more than one.
Any extra curricular activity she expresses an interest in, she does whether it’s sport, art, music lessons. Lots of friends and we support her having or going to as many play dates as she wants.

All of that said, I do worry about her being lonely despite having a lovely friendship group. She’s expressed an interested in boarding school. I also worry about her feelike like she has to shoulder the burden of us when we are elderly. Albeit I plan make arrangements such that she can live her life well and not stress about my husband and me in our old age. But it is still a concern.

Madeintowerhamlets · 04/01/2023 14:06

hilariousnamehere · 04/01/2023 00:06

I'm so glad @Madeintowerhamlets - both my parents are from big families and I think they worried / worry about me too, but I can't imagine having a better setup than I do.

Being an only doesn't make losing Dad any easier in itself, but then I don't think having siblings would do that either - each one would have their own relationship with the parent they've lost so it'll never be exactly the same loss.

And you sound like a lovely Mum for thinking about this stuff and worrying about your daughter, but if she's like me she will be more than fine💙

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Thanks so much, you sound lovely too!

SwingandaPrayer · 04/01/2023 14:28

we have one DS only because infertility prevented us from having any more. DS is from egg donation. I would dearly have loved another one, no more. But don't be under the false impression that one is easier. They demand your attention constantly and there's a limit on playing on their own.

Whatyagonnadokatie · 04/01/2023 15:26

We struggled to concieve so we’re kind of older parents.

Im so glad we just have one child. I suffer MH issues and really wouldn’t have the capacity to look after 2. It also means that our lifestyle isn’t massively overtaken by kids and we are more financially stable

SpookySpoon22 · 04/01/2023 15:57

47times11 · 02/01/2023 11:52

My Ds12 is autism. We decided we would have to make a choice when he turned 3 about another and decided it was so hard we would stick with one. I am very pleased about it tbh. We have been able to give huge amount of time, financial and emotional respurces to him that we simply could not have done with another. He is in a fee paying school which we would never have been able to afford otherwise. We can do massive amounts of enrichment stuff- like days out, and trips away- last year he was able to go on a school trip with his mainstream school and I was able to go and prop nearby the vicinity to be on hand of required. (Only the teachers knew this, DS did not). It was not needed but if I had to go and pick him up or just be around I could have done so.

I don't think I am a rubbish parent at all. We have had loads of family therapy and sometimes work within support groups and what shouts out to me is that most parents of children with any special needs are really really instinctive, responsive and just plain GREAT at parenting. So don't do yourself down. parenting a child with SN and autism is hard. Usuaully, despite what we judge ourselves to be, we are bloody brilliant at it.

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Thanks for saying this 47times11. We stuck with our one for the same reason. I felt huge (misguided) guilt over this for a long time due to societal pressure but just didn't feel we could cope with another. I thought I was a weak parent at the time but now realise I'm a pretty kick-ass parent (most of the time - let's face it, this ain't easy!) and it feels like it was the right decision for the 3 of us.

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