To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

I have 3 dc but often feel envious of people with 2.

My 2nd and 3rd dc are twins so I didn't get much choice. They are amazing and wonderful but also extremely full on.

Having one dc was a lot calmer but I would have still chose to have a second child.

I have 2 boys, fairly close in age. They get on incredibly well and always have. Having my 2nd was far easier than having my first, nothing much changed by having two.
Financially it is definitely better to have less children, career wise it’s probably easier too. I am happy having two, but think a lot of that is because they get on so well-I know that is pure luck though.

I am so glad I have my sister in my life! Having two children for me is giving my kids that gift. I don't look at only child parents with envy at all, having more time or money for myself is not a motivator.

I have one DD. After several loses I've made peace with just having one. DD would loved to have a brother or sister and probably swap all her toys for one. She sadly saw one loss. She lots of friends and cousins

Mine are grown up and although it was much harder work with two when they're younger, it's paid off now as they're both so different and we have different relationships. They both give me joy in different ways.

Like PPs thought they're not terribly close. They'd never go out to the pub together or hang out. But I do think they'd be there for each other if they needed something.

There are benefits to having or being an only child (I was one) but I just wanted to say to OP that although my kids bickered almost all the time when younger, now they really do get on and play together (well, most of the time, the younger one is still good at winding up his big brother!).

For me, I really value having brothers. We didn't have a close relationship for many years but now we do. My girls bicker and cause each other upset a lot at 9 and 5, but they're good for each other too, and ND DD1 has had to learn a lot of social skills and patience which would have impacted on friendships if she hadn't.

What about all the other people in their life though? When my parents die, I won't be alone as an only child, as I have other family members and friends. Personally I don't plan on my DC caring for me in old age, no matter how many of them I have. I'll be taking care of that.

Your children are very small. When the 3 year old is a little older they may play better. Mine are 5 and 7 and having 2 is miles easier than having 1. They play together, allowing me to get on with chores and such. When one of them is at a party or club it does really make me appreciate how much easier having them both makes things.

I have 4, I often long to go back to the days when I was childless (I was only 19 then) and make the decision to never have children. But nobody in real life seems to understand

@Velda when my MIL passed away 4 years ago. I was there for my husband- he’s the only one child. His closest friends were there to help out as well as if they are his brothers. His dad has a good pension so we don’t need to worry about him much but when he does we already have care plan in place.
My parents are getting older now and at the age needing care. And my siblings and I are already arguing about the care arrangements and can’t agree on it.

I have 2 but big age gap. My oldest would have loved a sibling closer in age and is quite an extrovert so I’m a bit sad he doesn’t have that although he’s great with his sibling.

I found he started asking for a sibling around 5/6 though so you may have found that your son would have been asking by this point if he didnt have one and you’d have been posting a whole different thread worrying that you should have had a second! Also a 3 year old isn’t at a stage of being really fun to play with yet, the age gap between 3 and 6 feels quite big but when they are 6 and 9 and older they may have a bit more in common.

i do feel a little bit jealous of those who feel totally happy in their choice to only have one child especially those who create a good network of friends with kids so their child has lots of company. Neither of those things were me though!

One isn’t the best of both worlds at all for me, it’s the worst of both worlds. You’ve lost your freedom, but you’re not a full family, and your child doesn’t get a sibling. I know I’ll be slaughtered for that, but it’s an anonymous forum, and you’ve asked for opinions, so I’m giving mine.

I’d rather have no kids than just one.

We have two - 18 months apart. I went for this age gap very deliberately, as it’s pretty much the age gap between my brother and I and we were so close growing up, and are great friends as adults. My two DC are really close, get on well, and I believe will be friends as adults.

No - an only child would not have been my preference in a million years.

Same here. I’m an only child and I really don’t want that for my DC. Growing up was lonely, no ready made friends on holidays, no one to play with bag weekends unless friends were invited over, no one on family days out. Just me and my parents. Adulthood is the same, now I have a DC I really really wish I had a sibling. My DC will also have no cousins or aunts and uncles on my side.

Like a PP I have two friends with four each, both had them all from 21-30. It completely changed their lives and both have said if they hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant young they can't imagine choosing to have four. One of them is now at mid 40s going to uni and trying to pursue a career but feels exhausted.

I think the age of your first massively impacts your life trajectory including whether you can or want more than one.

I have 1 DC and although I love him so much I always yearned for another, but medically it would be dangerous and not worth the risk. He always used to ask why doesn’t he have a sibling like his friends and is often lonely despite spending lots of time and has lots of games and lots of toys, I often feel guilty about the situation.

But at the same time I grew up with an abusive narcisstic older sibling who damaged me and still does and I often think life would have been so different had I been on my own. I don’t know if this is helpful or not but I think everyone will always have regrets about how many children they have. My mum slipped up once years ago and said she only had me as “it was the done thing back then to have 2 children and not 1” !!!!! So she didn’t want me but she felt society would look down at her for having 1… I felt great at that point as you can imagine !

Anyway OP your children are still quite young , I have a feeling your feelings may change as they get older, are both in school and able to entertain themselves at home, I understand why you feel the way you do at the moment though.

I had my DD at 20 and I agree with this. I'm 29 but my career is doing really well and the age gap feels too massive. I have no idea how we would navigate it , we have such lovely life together as a three. My sister is 10 years older than me and ironically we get on well now but not until we had our children which were ironically close together.

It’s hard when children are young. I found it got easier when DS reached 7-8 years old. He had severe reflux, didn’t sleep, and we were all sleep-deprived, tired and a mess. To add to it, lack of family support (parents & family live far away) and lack of childcare meant that my career, and self-esteem took a nose dive. But things do get easier the older they get, so hang in there.

I’d also say the grass is always greener on the other side. Because DS was ill until 2.5 years old, it was difficult being parents & so we delayed having another. I thought having one was difficult enough. I had horrible post-natal depression and the thought of another was just too much as I was already struggling to cope.

Then I suddenly went into early menopause, and I now really regret not having another child. I’m riddled with guilt because he’s lonely and keeps wishing he had a sibling. I look at people who have more than one and the kids keep themselves entertained together. Mine is always asking us to play with him because he has no one else to play with, and I feel sorry for him, so it means less time to myself. I also worry about the future when both me and DH are gone: he won’t have anyone as his cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. live so very far away (we only see them once a year). Play dates are tricky as we’re always relying on school friends (my friends don’t have children) and I keep thinking if only I hadn’t dithered and had another child, none of these problems would’ve occurred.

My point is: whichever way you look at it, there are pros & cons to both. If you have 1 DC then there are pros & cons, and if you have more, there are pros & cons. But I think that as time passes by and children grow up, looking ahead to the future, I wish I’d given DS another sibling. Nothing I can do about it now.

So hang in there. Things will get easier in a couple of years or so, and then you can reap the benefits of having more than one DC. At that point, you may even be glad that you didn’t have just one.

In an ideal world I always imagined I'd have 2. But after the pregnancy full of issues, PND, losing a chuck of years of career because I was utterly exhausted and depressed and those first few years of nursery where you're paying over 1k a month for your child to be ill constantly and pass that onto the whole family.. nope not again. It would break me and DH most likely.

I had a sibling growing up who was quite honestly a massive dick and we haven't spoken for the best part of 2 decades. However its no loss as we never were close and so I always was almost an only child, if it weren't for the obvious golden child/scapegoat dynamic in our house. (Sibling being golden child)

DC does occasionally ask for a sibling but on the whole is a happy confident little one and as a family we now have the resources, time, money and energy to really enjoy our life which I'm certain wouldn't be the case if we'd had to go through another 3 years of sleepless nights, illness and nursery fees of double your mortgage.

My career took a 4 year detour whilst I dealt with that and only now is back to where it was pre DC. I wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice thst again, given the stress I've been through with some shit jobs during that time.

1 works for us. But, as always, you do you.

I was an only child .I had lots of friends. However was the only grandchild too.am close to my lovely cousin .I have 2 dc and it is hard work. However I would not want to have an only child.i think while they are young it's hard work better as they get older.can you not go back to work when they are at school though. Lots of women work and have 2 or even more children

For me, watching the relationship between my two DC who are now late teens has been the single best part of parenting.

Thanks for writing this. I could have written it myself word for word

I know what you mean. I left my children's father with a 4 year old and a 1 year old so my life was incredibly hard for decades, well, they're still only teens. Maybe the last 15 years feel like two decades for a reason. I have a good relationship with DC1 but DC2, he's hard work but he's on the spectrum. At a mainstream school but he doesn't 'play the game' of trying his best, having a goal et cetera. I can't see him ever moving out so my future is having a man child living under my roof for ever?

I know what you mean about loving your baby and both DH and myself were from big families, both middle children so we wanted to give DS everything emotionally and materially we never had.
DS grew up to be an outgoing confident boy, (found this with a lot of only children as they have no siblings to 'fall back' on) and still has his friends he made in infant school. We were able to help him through Uni, buy his first car, first house basically things out parents couldn't do for us. Don't regret it at all.

I get this too. Eldest is autistic. My NT kids help validate me as a parent.
However, I flip back and forth on the whole "should we have stopped at one?" question. We planned to, tbh, but accidentally conceived when eldest was still a baby. With twins ffs. So we have 3 kids born 17 months apart. The 2 boys hate each other but have to share a room so it's just daily battles and shouting. My girl is a breath of fresh air, so easy and pleasant. If any of them was an only child they'd be a dream. My career was lost due to eldest's struggles and needing to be there for him starting school, and then fighting for support and a special school place etc. But after 7 years out of my career I'm in a place now where I may well be able to work my way back so not all hope is lost there. I think this is crucial to me feeling like me again. I think I feel like I've sacrificed a lot of me for the kids and DH hasn't had that so much. It breeds resentment in truth.
But when things are good, and we're calm and happy, I wouldn't change these bloody kids for the world. And I'm pleased eldest isn't an only one. He'll always have his siblings and hopefully they'll all calm a bit and get on better as they get older, and appreciate one another more.
It's moot whether I'd stop at one since I can't turn back time. But for all those who "only" have 1, and who feel sad about it, you have a precious 1:1 relationship we can't have, easier to make holiday plans, and easier to fit in a regular size house so I think logistically you've got it better and emotionally you've got top trumps a lot of the time too.