To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

OP, I don’t see why having your DC meant the end of your career progress?
I was widowed when my two DDs were still babies in nappies. I had no option but to work to support them, and continued my career as a hospital doctor up to my retirement at 61.

I know this has been said many times but having more siblings doesn't necessarily help when caring for elderly DPs ... both my DH and I come from fairly large families and there have been many fallings out over caring for elderly DPs ... with the result that one branch of the family went completely NC after the last parent died due to perceived 'unfairness'.

And some people are lonely whether they have siblings or not, my DM is an only DC and honestly has the largest circle of friends of anyone I know .. she is gifted at making friends ... sadly not everyone is. I am not particularly 'friends' with my siblings, would help out in a crisis I am sure but we rarely see each other and have very little in common. Even growing up we weren't that close.

I appreciate it's desperately sad if you can't have more than one DC and wanted more ... but equally it's desperately sad for people who can't have children at all.

Definitely not. Four years between them (boy, girl) which I thought would be too much for them to be pals but they are the best of friends and I love seeing them together.

For me it's much easier. They play together and in lock down I was so glad they had each other.

So much depends on the personality of your child. My friend with one gets hardly any peace as child has been permanently glued to her but for others it's very different.

I have two and that’s perfect for me. They are just starting to play together which is lovely. I’m an only child and while I had a lovely childhood I realise now that a sibling could have enriched my life quite a lot when I see my two together.

Hoover that's awful that people actually ask you why you have 'only' one ... I must be fortunate as no one has ever asked me (maybe because I am very much an 'older' mum and they made their own assumptions).

I wouldn't, but would love to ask 'and why did you have more than one?'.

Calm you are so right in that it is the personality of the individual DC, my DS, even from a very young baby has always been very 'independent' ... the complete opposite of a clingy DC.

Equally I have two friends who both have two DC and each has an incredibly 'clingy' DC ... even now the DC are grown up.

I think you are being a bit U. They might not socialise now but your youngest is still little. I much prefer having more than 1, they play together, get joy out of chatting about things which I find incredibly tedious, support each other socially (making friends etc). Plus having recently experienced a parent die it would have been so much more difficult without my own siblings for support. So I think it’s just a case of looking at the positives and maybe seeing how things look in a few years.

I have 3 children but there's a huge age gap on 3rd so he's being raised like a only. My first two were a joy they loved each other to bits. (Until they hit teens) they get on great now as adults. I sometimes feel sad ds won't experience that but he also has asd and I think would struggle with a sibling.

This is a useful thread. We have one DS and I feel I'm done, but DH would ideally like another.

My reasons for sticking at 1) DH &I both have older siblings, and we were brought up very much knowing we were mistakes and our parents wished they'd stuck at 1. 2) we're not particularly close to our siblings, DH not at all and for me only since we became adults, but we can't reminisce much about childhood etc as we both experienced it very differently. 3) DH is 'hands on' but our relationship is definitely not 50/50 in terms of parenting and housework etc. He does a lot, but still not 50/50, in a more equal world then I might consider another.

All of our parents had many siblings around but that made life much harder when it came to sorting elderly parents, in some cases siblings taking legal action against one another. One sibling in every case was also landed with looking out for the elderly parents before they passed, and definitely added resentment to the relationships.

DH thinks our DS is wonderful (he is!) So why not try make another? But no two siblings are the same and whilst I'm sure DC2 would also be wonderful, it's so hard trying to be good parents and not replicate our own upbringing, that I fear 2 would make that much too hard!

I am an only child and currently have 1 child myself, I am constantly asked when I am having another (MIL asked when she was 5 weeks old and barely out of hospital!)

I’m torn, I wasn’t lonely growing up and had a great life, close with my parents. My partner is one of 3 so he’d like another. I don’t think there’s a right answer, there will always be that ‘what if?’

One child would be easier but it's only because I have 3. Someone one who has 6 children would think that 3 is easy.

My children are now teens and a million times easier than toddlers. I had 3 under 5 so had a busy few years.

Do I regret 3? No I absolutely do not. They all get on well, have great sense of humour and are generally great people to have around. I love watching the interaction they have together. They all have their own social lives but also like doing stuff together too.

Well for many one child families it’s not really a choice, so no I don’t think you should feel envious of the extremely traumatic TFMR and miscarriage I went through before deciding I couldn’t face any more heartbreak and would just stick at one.

I also get lots of comments about poor DS being an only, oh haven’t you thought about another one? From the insensitive thoughtless types, who range from other school mums to colleagues to friends.

However trying to take a step back and look at it more objectively, yes it is easier just having one. DS gets all of our time and attention and money. He’s very easy going and we have lots of lovely days out, never having to referee or sort out fights. He never complains about being lonely or wishing he had a sibling. On the other hand, there is no one else at home to entertain him and he is incapable of keeping himself occupied other than with a screen - so DH and I do have to play with him a lot in a way I expect many parents of two or more don’t.

Great thread. Interesting to read different perspectives. I have one DD who has just turned 5. Severe mental health issues for mr, lack of support, and wanting to keep some sort of life for myself means plus my age she will almost certainly be an only.
Everywhere I go people ask me when I'm having another. One colleague puts a lot of pressure on me to do so. It makes me feel dreadful.
My close friends don't as they know my relationship is poor. DP is lazy (he's still in bed after being there since 9pm last night 🙄 this is not unusual) not at all a hands on dad, does no housework and drinks too much-but that's a story for another thread.
I feel so guilty that DD will be alone, and that I am not a 'complete mother' and have fallen into the trap of thinking everything would be better if I had two children.
However I just can't do it again without big changes, which I don't think would happen. I chose the wrong person to settle down with.
It's a shame but I'm sure everyone has things they regret in life. I am able to work, go running and try to be the best mum I can be to DD. It often feels like I may aswell be a lone parent.
I take my hat off to people who have more than one, they are made of strong stuff!

@reddwarfgeek please don't feel guilty. The reason I reply to these threads is out of repentance for my pre-child belief people must have 2 but now realising how short sighted that was and that 1 is a lovely family too with a lot of "pros"- a lifestyle I think would have suited my parenting style and personality. I wouldn't change my situation because I love my youngest, but I do believe my eldest would have been happier as an only (they are chalk and cheese, the hardest part of our family life is their incessant arguing, it's torture). I will never know, but I really admire you for knowing what works best for you and not just doing what you think you are "supposed" to do. I honestly think some of the comments are made by people who are either consciously or unconsciously jealous wanting you to be as burdened as them. How dare you make life easier for yourself

I only have one as me and my brother fought like cat and dog growing up and I knew I didn't want to risk a repeat of that! Seeing my friends kids arguing and fighting just confirmed my decision. He's a teen now but I couldn't be happier with an only (and he's really glad to be an only too).

Grass is always greener - we'd have liked another but plummeting fertility put paid to that.

@TeddyisMydog why did you have 4? Did you not realise after 1 that it was hard work? Or maybe after 2, or 3? Why keep on having kids if it wasn't what you wanted ?

6 and 3 is a tough age. My older two are now 7 and 4.5 and it is all much much easier than it was a year ago. Hang in there @WerkinMum

I find the absolutism of some parents about family size a bit odd. It's such a personal choice and there's no right answer for everyone, just trade offs to consider. It's really interesting to read how parents feel about their choices and why, though. I could write a long post about why I find 3 perfect OR why it's really hard, equally if we'd stopped at 1 I'm sure I could have written reams about how good that is, or bad. It's both, lots of things can be true at the same time. As with most things, it's not what you end up with but what you make of it.

(Yes thanks, I AM enjoying the view from up here on the fence )

@Whydidimarrythis People are allowed to talk about the things they want to talk about, as long as in a respectful manner. People also have the option not to read threads and not to comment. I don't understand why people feel the need to go onto threads to tell posters that they should keep their mouth shut. Everyone has their own experience and not one or the other is more valid or worthy. Why do you feel the need to come on here to criticise the op for having her own experience? Just walk on when you see threads you don't like. It's easy not to click on something and read it and post something unpleasant.

I have three and genuinely enjoy having a bigger family - one is homeschooled too, so I am hardly ever alone (but we do many share interests and are able to do a lot together). My dc have reached the age where we spend time together, rather than me having to physically look after them - I enjoy their company.

We have one and it's enough for us.

Basically I'm knackered most of the time and I'm massively introverted. I can just about manage the organisation of one child, school, clubs, activities, socialisation, homework etc but I would massively struggle with two. I NEED downtime and opportunities to indulge myself in hobbies and 'me time' - this is much easier to do with one child. In a sense I'm selfish and I think that's ok, I didn't want to spend all of my 30s and 40s parenting young children.

We can also afford private school, I never have to worry about money and whether we can afford to do something, a day out etc, we just do it.

Luckily most of my friends also have one child for similar reasons so that has helped to validate the decision in a way, as you inevitably feel a sense of guilt about them being lonely.

Unlike me, my son is an extrovert and would probably have loved a sibling. I do feel pangs of guilt at times but I know I would have been miserable and really struggled with the daily grind of parenting.

I make a lot of effort to ensure that he has plenty of opportunities to meet up with friends and he also has several cousins who we see regularly. We also holiday with friends and their only children so that's a huge bonus.

Basically there's no wrong or right, but I do feel strongly that people should only have another if it's something that they want 100% and are not doing it out of misplaced guilt.

Ditto! I mean I adore my first child but every single bit of parenting them is an uphill struggle- working very hard to ‘fail’ in society’s eyes at least. My NT child is honestly such a tonic. People praise me about them all the time and I tell them “he is great all by himself”. Now I take no blame and no credit - just love them and advocate for them as best I can. Sooooo much of parenting (& life frankly) is the luck of the draw.

Heartily endorse your response. And another pp mentioned “pitying” one-child families. People can shove their “pity” (they really mean judgement anyway, because they desperately need their own acquiescence with societal expectations to be completely validated) up their arses.

I'll also add that if you only have one DC, you can't go anywhere without somebody who barely knows you asking why you only have one.

I literally never had this experience. Not once. And my oldest was an only child for eight years! The closest was that I occasionally was asked by a good friend if I was stopping at one or considering another, which is a completely fine question to ask.

I'm not posting here to be smug at all, just for people reading this and worrying about having more children. I've got two a dd3 and baby and I'm really enjoying it. I like seeing them interacting, I like the business and noise, I don't feel massively like I've lost myself, just that I'm doing something else for a few years, plenty of time in future for hobbies, career etc. I guess that easiness of the DC, age, finances all affect this and I imagine there will be harder stages too! I guess it's all horses for courses.