To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

The only thing I regret about four kids is the cost ! I keep thinking if I had only had 2 maximum I would now have thousands of extra pounds which is currently needing to be spent to help the younger two through Uni years ! I just fantasise about all the things I could be doing - saving for retirement, going on holidays, new car etc !

Get your career back on track and you won’t resent your children anymore. It is fine to feel lacking in confidence about work after having kids but it isn’t fine to blame your children for it.

Ah see this is where my brain and heart clash and I don’t actually think about MY children, I imagine a life with 0 kids OR a life with 1 random kid who isn’t one of my real ones so that I don’t feel bad 🤣

Of course in that daydream, said imaginary child is a quiet, helpful, kind little genius who is always happy, never argues and goes on to invent something that changes the world by 10 years old so I can retire to a beach house somewhere 🙃

I don't regret my children but I do regret the father I chose for them and have an enormous amount of guilt that I didn't leave after my first but still wouldn't change the others one bit. My life would have been very different with one child but the majority of that is again the father.

All of my kids bring me so much joy (with hard work) I honestly believe they're meant to be here regardless...but I might have thought that with just my eldest.

I reflect on this from a looking-into-the-future perspective, and feel one would have been a less tricky number than two.

Looking ahead, I can't help but to believe that the world is rapidly becoming a harsher place to live, and that even the most modest things I took for granted as a young adult will be out of reach for my own DC; to be easily able to afford a nice room in a flat share in a lovely part of the city on a measly call centre wage while going to Uni, and still have plenty of money left over for everything I needed and wanted. I worry about the climate and a destabilised society, and how I will best be able to support two young people through this shit show, into which they definitely did not ask to be born, most likely through their 20s and beyond. My own parents have never been in a position to be able to support me, but I do think that those of us who have children now are going to need to plan for a future where our DC remain dependent on us for much longer. Climate breakdown is going to impact our DC in ways we haven't yet foreseen, and I feel I have a massive responsibility to protect them.

You make your choice. Free time and career, or another child. What you prefer depends on you as a person. I imagine it’s a lot easier to die and leave two children together than one alone. And it’s certainly easier for two to look after you, it’s a burden for one.

I believe there’s guilt whatever we do, be it large or small families. The guilt of a parent and what we could have/should have done, never really leaves us does it?!

I have one DS who is now 16, ND and has had multiple issues throughout secondary school. Personally I don’t regret not having a second child to verify that I’m not a shit parent!! It’s just the way it is!

I’m thankful that I can put all of my energy into supporting DS, I don’t have the guilt of not giving another DC enough time, my own MH would have probably suffered even more than it has if I’d had another DC to support.

I don’t have regrets, I do wonder what life would have been like with more DC, but I don’t dwell on it.

We all have our own, unique family dynamics, be it a large or small family. It is what it is, it’s easy to regret what we don’t have, look at what you do have and embrace it.

@Velda when my DM parents died, both within a short period of time, the fall out from DM ‘D’B, who took things from the house, photos, treasured items etc, gives another perspective on siblings ‘being there for each other’ once their parents have died.

It’s not always the cosy ‘Walton’s’ scenario!

I'm baffled at the people who have 4 kids but wish they had 1. Did you not realise this after the 2nd or 3rd, and decide to stop?

I am one of 5 siblings, and over the last 10 years have struggled with the practical and emotional commitment of elderly parents with chronic and serious health conditions. Then their funerals and dealing with their estate.

But I had 4 siblings who understood everything and to share the burden with. I feel sad that potentially ds will need to go through that alone, or won't have a close family connection when we are gone.

There have been advantages having only one child (not through choice), but there are disadvantages too. The grass will always seem greener on the other side.

Sorry but u don't know why people only have one. I didn't have one by choice and I would've loved more.

Agreed.

There's something incredibly unfair about bringing children into the world and regretting their existence.

I am conflicted on this. I do have days of regret. We have two DC, who are 4 and 1. It feels very relentless at the moment and it would be SO much easier if we only had one. More freedom, more fun, less expensive, our house wouldn’t feel small like it does right now. I often wonder if we were stupid to have been so relaxed about a possible second. We weren’t actively trying but I went from being infertile in my 30s (DD took 6 years to conceive) to fertile in my 40s and conceiving easily twice although I lost a baby at 16 weeks, which was pretty traumatic.

I love the kids (and DC2 is just wonderful) but I hate the tired, shouty person I’ve become. With two kids there’s no escape. I need to work on being better but I’m too tired. This is the thing that really makes me wish we’d stuck at one. Also our marriage feels dominated by parenting in a way that it didn’t with one DC. I hope we will find our way back to each other as a couple.

A saving grace for me is that I didn’t put my career on the back burner and properly returning to work does give me a much needed balance. Just need a bit more sleep and I might feel differently!

I have three and honestly struggle to think that I’m “done” now, I’d love another in a way…but I’m 40, the ones I’ve got are 15, 9, and 7, there’s no money…I need to be satisfied that I’ve got three and that’s fine.

I have had the odd thought that “what if we just had DS” and certainly things would be easier with just one (mostly) self sufficient teen, but I can’t imagine not having my little crew.

I've got 1. He has everything he wants, we can go on multiple days out as I just have him to pay for. It's good in that sense but having siblings is wonderful and I do feel sorry for him. He's autistic though and actually doesn't like people much or anyone touching his things and he has had meltdowns over the chaos when his cousins visit so I think all in all being an only child is best for him. I hope!

I am 1 and done. It's great. And better for the planet.

Same. We have 6 siblings between us and we have no issues with them and we all get along great, close relationships etc., But we only ever wanted one.

The judgement that we are selfish is ridiculous. DD is 14 now and life is a breeze.

I don't have children but I am an only, and can honestly say that I've had and am having an easier time than some of my friends with siblings around elderly parents and death of parents. My Dad died several years ago and while it was horrific, on a practical level Mum and I made all decisions together and there was no conflict. We've been able to spend plenty of time together since without her having to worry about if she's being fair with her time between multiple grieving children.

As she ages and isn't in the best of health, I know what she wants and what I can do to help - yes, there's just me, but also there's no resentment or complications of any other people involved. I've seen resentment when one child of several takes on the care of parents because the others are busy/geographically too far away / at different life stages / just crap. I've seen plenty of love laced with resentment when there's a big age gap and the younger child has to care for the parents and then their sibling in quick succession.

And I've also seen some siblings pull together brilliantly and support each other during those times - so I think maybe there is no right answer when it comes specifically to end of life considerations.

For what it's worth, I'd hate to have had siblings - I had a brilliant childhood, have always had lots of close friends, I'm an introvert with ADHD, love people but hate them being in my space and much prefer being able to spend time with Mum (and Dad when he was here) without worrying about another few humans who I may or may not have got on with. Because there's no guarantee your children will like each other, judging from everyone I know!

oof, that was long, thoughts while I can't sleep because I've overdone the indulgent food on new year 😂

To answer your question - neither child is perfect. If I could choose, I’d take both their best bits and merge into one child.

DC1 is academic, bright, serious, takes sports and everything else seriously, occupies themselves very easily, reads a lot, has few good friends. Ideally suited to be an only child.

DC2 is not academic, has little interest in sports, never reads, can’t occupy themselves for more than two minutes, loves company, loads of friends, and is a much happier child. Would be a very unhappy only child.

By that reasoning 0 is better for the planet.

I think 2 is perfect. They will always have a play mate growing up and 2 doesn't make much of a difference financially etc.

@WerkinMum
I felt that I couldn't possibly love another child as much as the first, so didn't yearn for another.
Husband DID want a second.

I asked the single adults I knew at the time how they felt..and one response stuck in my head..One chap said ''I was as happy as a pig in shit as an only child..loved it!''

So many adults are not close to their siblings.

One child is much easier, {No squabbling either!}

I have two and I'm glad they have each other. 4.6 year age gap. Best of both worlds, ime - eldest had a good chunk of solo attention, was a good age when youngest was born allowing youngest to receive a good amount of attention too (though not as much as dc1, obviously.).
I totally agree with Kalasbyxor though re what a state the world is in for our kids now, and it makes me extremely stressed. They both bring me so much joy, but i feel the world is too awful for them. I don't regret having them, but I'd be less stressed, but also less happy.

I'm glad dc2 arrived. I can't imagine dc1 being my only. Dc2 enhances dc1's life for the most part.

I'm really glad dc1 has a sibling. Not least because we don't really have any other family, it's just the three of us.

I have 1 who's 9 , I think about having another all the time, I feel sad I will never experience having a baby again , I wish I would have cherished that time more and I'm only 29 ! Then I think about money , my career will take a hit , there will be a huge age gap I will have to do another 10 -11 years of school runs. My DD doesn't want a sibling now she used too she has a cousin who is exactly one year apart and they are very close.

I think at this point having another child would be selfish and purely for me to experience having a baby again at an older more well off age. I don't think it would benefit my existing DD.